Peace In Your Heart, Mind & Body Leads To Peace In Your Relationship

Why a peaceful heart, mind & body leads to peace in your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend about a year. He’s starting to get too focused on attachment styles and how his feeling anxious has a negative effect on how he feels in his relationship and the behavior he exhibits as a result.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for about a year, and he’s starting to get too focused on attachment styles and how his feeling anxious has a negative effect on how he feels in his relationship and the behavior that he exhibits as a result.

I’ve been seeing this a lot more in the last two years, really, with emails that I’m getting as guys are really starting to get into attachment styles. I see a lot of dudes using it as a crutch to basically absolve themselves from any responsibility for the fact that they screwed up, they acted unattractive, or they turned their girl off. It’s just easy to say, “Oh well, it’s her attachment style” or “It’s my attachment style.” So like, this guy is getting all his mental circle-jerk about these things, because the reality is, if a girl’s got attachment issues, if you do unattractive things, if you over-pursue, you chase her away, you turn her off and she backs away, she’ll typically stay away longer if she’s got these attachment issues, than a woman that’s normal and healthy.

At the end of the day, what creates attraction is what creates attraction. Doesn’t matter what the attachment issues are, yours or hers, you have to act masculine and attractive consistently in the ways that I discuss in 3% Man. If you don’t, you are universally going to repulse and turn women off and keep women from falling in love with you, staying in love with you and wanting to be with you. So it’s important.

The most important thing is that you act like a man consistently, because if a guy is unwilling to exercise self control, which is kind of part of what this guy’s got going on, he just says, “Oh, it’s I’m anxiously attached and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m anxiously attached.” Therefore, he continues to exhibit the unattractive behavior. He keeps turning her off. He keeps driving her away. He says, “Well, it’s my attachment style.” He disassociates because, “Oh, it’s my attachment style. It’s not any of my behavior because I got attachment style issue. I’m anxiously attached.” Then there’s no reason to correct his behavior that’s turning her off because of his anxiousness.

Part of being a man is learning to exercise self control. Even when you feel anxious, even when you feel fearful, you’re never going to get to the point in life where you don’t have any fear, worry or doubt about things that may or may not happen in the future. Especially when you’re taking on big risks and big challenges, that’s just part of life. You have to learn to live with it and deal with it, and most importantly, not let it emotionally hijack you.

So one of the things that’s been incredibly helpful, and I talk about it often in the book, both of my books actually, including Mastering Yourself, is Network Chiropractic Care. If you go to the home page of my YouTube channel and scroll down to the bottom to the Consciousness Exercises with Doctor D’ Anna and Gracie demonstrating them for you, I would put them on a block out like an hour and a half, put them on, put the whole playlist on your big screen TV, and just do all 12 stages, one through 12, in front of your TV and do it like three times a week. You’ll feel more peace in your body. You’ll feel more relaxed. You’ll feel confident. You’ll feel certain. You won’t feel so anxious and fearful about the future as you did before you did the consciousness exercises.

If you can afford it and swing it, I highly recommend you go to Orlando, Winter Park specifically, where Doctor D’ Anna’s office is, and stay there for two weeks and get worked on at least twice a day every day that his office is open and obviously on Saturdays. His website is BeSimplyWell.com. Tell him that you’re one of my viewers and you came to get work done for a couple of weeks. Make sure you call and make sure he’s in town for a full two weeks before you book your flight, your hotel, your Airbnb or whatever you’re going to do. Ideally, you get worked on in the morning and then once in the afternoon, and then you do consciousness exercises with Doctor D’Anna or whoever his SRI facilitator is in his office at the present time. That will help you tremendously.

Again, if you can’t make it, if you go to the homepage of my YouTube channel and you scroll to the bottom, the Consciousness Exercises stages one through 12 are there. They’re free. If you do them, it will really help you, especially if you are fearful and worried, or maybe you’re just going out with the boys on Friday night and you want to go talk to girls, but you’re kind of scared and you’re anxious about it, the consciousness exercises will chill you out. They will relax you. You’ll feel certain. You’ll feel peaceful. You’ll feel relaxed. You’ll feel calm because masculinity is calm, and that will make women feel safer around you, more inclined to talk to you and your conversation will flow a lot better. So that will help you tremendously.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been a paying member for a little over six months and really appreciate it the access to the premium content. I wasn’t sure at first as there’s a lot of content on YouTube for free but the premium stuff really does hit the mark!

Well, I’m doing a lot of free stuff, and I do a lot of Members Only stuff. Just because every email is a little different, every situation is a little different, and the more of these that I do, because you come at it from a different approach from everyone, every guy’s a little different, he’s got mindset issues or attraction issues, or maybe he’s got things in his life that aren’t going right that he needs to work on. The more of these examples I can go through with you, the more effective it is at teaching you. That’s why I do so many of them, and I appreciate you being a premium member and everybody else that’s watching this being a paying premium member.

I’ve read your book seven times now and I’ve been listening to you and following your work for the past few years. I’m currently in a relationship that’s about one year old. The girl that I’m seeing is Latin, Dominican Republic, and was in a previous marriage for five years, but was cheated on for the last three of the five years of that relationship. She’s been single for about four years and still has a lot of bad habits and male orbiters from those days. It’s been a point of contention for us over the past year.

Well, a woman who was raised right and is loyal and family-oriented, is not going to have a ton of male orbiters that they’re hanging out with and talking to constantly when they’re supposedly exclusive with you. So if you’ve had these discussions, you set healthy boundaries, and she continually violates them and acts like she’s entitled to keep these men in her life, well that does not look good for her and her character because you’re supposed to be evaluating it. You’re trying to determine, “Can you trust her?”

Again, women that are family-oriented aren’t going to be doing any of this fucking bullshit. They’re not going to have male orbiters. They’re not going to be going to dinner one-on-one with their boss or the single guy from the office to happy hour and drinking all night, or going to the club with them when she supposedly is your girlfriend. Chicks that do that are whores. These are disloyal women that don’t value loyalty, monogamy and exclusivity. If you’ve had several conversations with her about it, and she is stubborn and digging her heels in and feels entitled to it, calls you insecure, “I can hang out with who I want.” It’s like, “You know what? You sure can, but I’m not going to be your boyfriend. We can be friends with benefits,” because clearly that’s how she wants to behave. She wants to invite lots of attention also from other men.

So those are not the actions of a woman who values loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. When you continue to put up with that, of course you’re going to feel anxious. You’re making an excuse for a woman that is exhibiting disloyal qualities. So you’re contributing to your own feeling anxious here because you put up with it. You set a boundary, and if she continues to violate it, well then you have to enforce the boundary. In this case, that means you’re not going to be loyal and exclusive with her, because she’s clearly not being loyal and exclusive with you. If she keeps giving other men the green light to try to get into her pants, a family-oriented girl is just never going to do that. She’s going to be loyal and happy to be with you, and she’s going to tell all the other guys that she has a boyfriend, she’s in a relationship, and their interest, while flattering, is inappropriate if they keep trying to get her to cheat or to rip her off from you.

Less so now then at the beginning, but she insisted having male friends was OK despite some gray area that I was not comfortable with.

Again, it’s like you don’t get what you deserve. You only get what you negotiate. So if you caved and let her do it, well then it’ll just continue to get worse and she’ll do more of it, and then she’ll try to intimidate you and bully you into agreeing once you call her out on it again.

Now that I’m a year into this relationship, I find that I’m what would be classified as a little more anxiously attached compared to her which is more avoided. I’ve been struggling with how attachment styles in your work blend together.

They don’t. They have nothing to do with my work. This really is just something new that somebody’s come up with in the last few years, and guys like you get involved in it and start trying to, “Well, how do I fit this in Corey’s work?” What you’re doing is you’re making excuses for being anxious and allowing your anxious feelings to influence your behavior, and you’re justifying acting in ways that are unattractive.

You said you went through the book seven times. That’s what I’m talking about, is that despite reading the book and you’re looking at this like, “Well, I’m anxiously attached.” In other words, “This is a problem. This is part of me. I can’t fix it.” So you continue to exhibit the beta male characteristics that women find unattractive, and you justify it because it’s painful to make changes. It’s painful to do the work on yourself. It’s not easy. It’s a lot easier to just go, “Well, I’m anxiously attached and that’s the way I am.” It’s not going to help you be consistent.

Are the two mutually exclusive?

Again, attachment styles have nothing to do with my work. You’re using this as a crutch and an excuse to continue your behavior. In other words, what you fear you attract. What you look at, disappears. You’re afraid that this girl is going to be disloyal or maybe cheat on you. So you’re always worrying. You’re sleeping with one eye open. Part of the problem is that you basically were a little soft and squishy when it came to her, to her male orbiters. So it looks like you kind of caved and allowed her to continue on with it and she’s just belligerent. So you never know what she’s really doing when you’re not around. You don’t trust her. It has nothing to do with an attachment style. It has everything to do with the fact that you set a healthy boundary, and then you allowed her to violate it continuously. So of course you’re going to feel anxious. You didn’t act like a man.

Is it important to work on attachment style and your work or just focus on your work?

You can leave all the psychobabble for other people that want to do mental circle-jerks, because again, it’s not going to be helpful.

The reason I ask is a lot of the teachings you’ve provided have given me guidance to make inherently good decisions within the context of the relationship and not just play a game of tactics.

Well, what I teach is I teach you how to be a man. I teach you what attracts a woman and keeps her attracted. If you do the things that are in the book and you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, it works like a charm. If you don’t, if you make excuses for your lack of impulse control or your unwillingness to exercise self control and be driven by your emotions when you get scared, fearful, worried or anxious, well you’re not exercising self control, which is unattractive.

Masculinity is calm. Feminine energy is chaos. When you allow your anxiousness to emotionally hijack you, you’re acting like a chaotic woman. That’s why it’s unattractive to her. You can feel the fear and be scared, but don’t tell her about it and don’t use this attachment psychobabble that you came across as an excuse to just do nothing to change your behavior, because your behavior is clearly not working. You’re not really fully implementing my work. You’re using this attachment style stuff as justification to stray from the book, and it clearly ain’t working for you because it just contributes to you being more anxious. You, in essence, have come up with a story and an excuse for why you don’t need to change how you’re showing up and why you don’t need to exercise self control.

My mindset is very solid with your work but I find myself still being anxiously attached to this person. I’m trying to decide if I need to do more work on that or if I just need to continue reading your book and adopt more of that mindset.

Well, I say read it 10 to 15 times so you know it backwards and forwards. I mean, you’re allowing other stuff to basically stop your progress and learning my book and make excuses that are, in essence, keep allowing you or creating a story that allows you to basically stay the same and not fix yourself. Every guy that’s trying to overcome this, you didn’t get enough hugs and “I love you’s” from mommy and daddy. You have to get to a place where you’re OK with not hearing from a girl. You’re OK understanding that they’re like cats. Sometimes they’re really into you, really hot for you, they really want to be around you, and other days it kind of seems like they’re not as into you, and you have to be OK with that.

Somebody like myself who didn’t get enough hugs and “I love you’s” from mommy and daddy, you feel fearful all the time, but when you learn the book, you apply it and you’re dealing with a healthy woman and she always boomerangs back to you, she backs away, comes back, and she backs away and comes back several dozen times over a year or two, then it becomes so predictable that you can tell you spend a lot of time together and she’s not as excited as she was, but that’s OK. That’s normal. This is to be expected. She’ll back away, might not speak for a day or see each other for a day or two, and then she comes back and their enthusiasm is back. That’s just the way women are. Feminine energy is chaos. You have to become OK with the chaos and OK with not hearing from her. When it happens enough and she always comes back and you spend enough time together a year or two together, this anxiousness that you feel is going to dissipate and go away, because you’ll see that women are just as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west, if you know the book and if you apply it.

Again, if you allow this attachment stuff that really has only been around the last few years that people started talking about it tripping you up, it’s allowing you to create a story that is basically stopping your personal growth, and you make an excuse for your behavior the way it is. “So it’s not really your fault. It’s your anxious attachment style.: Well, if it’s not your fault because you have an anxious attachment style, then how are you going to fix it? You just continue to behave in the same way, and then you lose the girl and then you blame your, “Well, it’s my anxious attachment style what drove her away. Oh well, I guess that’s the way I am.”

What I could really use help on is how to proceed with this girl I’m seeing. As I said, we’ve dated for about a year now and I find that she just isn’t opening up. Despite me making her feel safe and being a challenge, I find her to still be distant and not very vulnerable. I’m really looking for a deep relationship. I’m not looking for a best friend but I’m looking for a girl that loves open-heartedly and I’m trying to see if this girl is capable of that or not.

Well, the only way you’re going to know is if you read the book, you master it, you know it backwards and forwards and you have the balls to apply it. If you just stop reading it and thinking, “Well, I need to focus on attachment styles for a while,” you will lose her, I promise you.

As an FYI, her father passed away when she was 10 years old and she basically had to raise her younger brother and sister. I’m not sure if you would consider that a broken home or not as she has a very good relationship with her mother but it’s quite possible that she still seeks mail attention to replace attention she did not get from her now deceased father.

Well, that’s obviously pretty clear. If the dad died when she was 10 and she’s constantly giving out her number because again, if she’s in a relationship with you, she should not be giving out her fucking phone number to other men. That’s common sense, dude. That’s contributing to you feeling anxious, because what happens is you have a woman that you don’t fully trust.

Love cannot exist where there is no trust, and you have to set healthy boundaries and you have to enforce them. If she’s continually hanging out with these male orbiters and giving out her number, say, “You got a choice. You can choose me and choose to be loyal, but if you want to act like a free agent, I’m going to make you a free agent and I’m going to start dating and sleeping with other women and you can date and sleep with whoever the fuck you want. When I find somebody that has my value system, I’m not going to see you anymore. So it’s your choice. Are you all in, or would you rather be a free agent and have lots of dudes that you’re hanging out with and hooking up with? Because I’m not interested in that.”

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and she needs to cut this shit out, or you should cut her loose and date other people.

Thanks again for everything you do. Has someone who has studied this material in general for the past 15+ years I can honestly say what you have advised is by far the most effective and relevant for having good healthy long-term relationships.

Bob

Well again, you’ve only read the book seven times, you clearly don’t know it well enough. You really not haven’t embraced it and gone all in. Like I said, you’re allowing this attachment stuff that you’re reading about derail you and your progress, and because of that, you’re allowing this girl to basically get away with bullshit that you told her you didn’t want to put up with. You can’t tell a woman that this needs to stop and then cave and let her continue doing it here and there, which is what it looks like.

So what your actions communicated is you actually are OK with her having male orbiters. So all she has to do is give you a little bit of push-back and you cave because you’re too fearful you’re going to lose her. You have to be willing to lose this woman permanently if she’s not willing to live according to and respect your value system. It’s pretty simple. She’s either in or she’s out. She either wants to be all in and loyal to you, or she wants to behave like a free agent and constantly invite attention from other men.

If she wants to invite attention from other men and hang out with them and have male orbiters, guys that are say they’re just friends, when in reality they’re just hoping to get in her pants and they don’t give a damn that she’s in a relationship, if she wants to behave like that, it’s OK and say, “Great, but I’m not going to be exclusive with you anymore. I’m going to start dating other girls because you’re dating other guys. In essence, you may or may not be sleeping with them, but you’re giving them the thumbs up to go ahead and try,” even though they know she has a boyfriend and that’s disloyal. That’s how a hoe behaves. If she wants to be a hoe, you can give her walking papers. She can become friends with benefits, sex playmate and a fuck buddy. That’s it. No girlfriend, no wife, not her.

So if I were you, I’d be having a heart-to-heart with her and tell her, “This is what’s going to have to happen: If you want me to stay exclusive and stay your boyfriend, this needs to stop. These guys need to go away. If I ever catch you doing this shit again with them, I’m out. I’m just going to start dating and sleeping with other women. When I find a good girl who’s loyal, she and I are going to ride off into the sunset, and I’m going to leave you in the dust and part of my past.”

It’s harsh, but no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do, so by you caving, being soft, squishy and allowing her to do this, that’s why you don’t feel safe and comfortable in your relationship, because you can’t trust her. You don’t trust her, but you kind of did it to yourself because you allowed her to kind of slide and get away with it after you initially told her that this was your hard boundary. If you don’t respect your boundaries, she ain’t either, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.