Why people don’t change who they are & why trying to get others to change will ruin your relationships. When life brings us situations, people, things, etc. that are different from what we wish them to be, we suffer. When we can’t change things, but we want them to be different than they are, we suffer. Suffering comes from not accepting what is or from not accepting what reality is. If you can’t change the circumstances of your life quick enough to your liking, the only thing you can change immediately is what it means to you, or the meaning that you give it. When it comes to relationships, we all tend to get a little pissed off when our lover does not do the things we want or expect. We get angry for them being the way they are, instead of accepting and loving them unconditionally.
The next time you are around a group of people in private or in public, notice the conversations and what people talk about. You’ll notice that a lot of the conversation revolves around talking about other people and wishing they were different. Everybody does it, including me. However, since I am aware of it and how this leads to suffering, I’ve learned to catch myself and remember that if I dwell on what I don’t like or what I wish was different, this will lead to suffering. I spent most of my life suffering over things I could not change like most people. Acceptance of what is instead of trying to change it leads to feeling peaceful, relaxed, grateful, content and abundant. The following is an e-mail from a reader who has a bisexual girlfriend who has a lot of close friends who are swingers. He’s ultraconservative and does not approve of her or her friends values regarding sex and relationships. She’s loyal to him, but she still likes to walk around naked with her swinger friends and sit naked in a hot tub with other men and women. He wants her to stop being like this and has asked for my opinion on the situation. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
I’ve been dating this girl for about two months and we connect on a lot of levels. She lives in the country. The drive is about an hour from my place and we both have memorable times. The part that is bothering me right now… she hangs out with swingers and bi-sexual women. (Most women are bisexual, but will not admit it if you ask them directly.) She is loyal and I have the confidence to trust her around this group. She does not participate in these sexual festivals, but the influence is evident. She does things like getting naked in a hot tub with men and women, but nothing happens. The other instance was her married friend’s husband kissed her on the lips, the swinger. This happened before we were an item. This guy wacked her on the ass. Her friends commented whether she was sleeping with him, but she denied any connection. She still hangs out with these individuals. Overall, this group of friends is bothering me because it doesn’t fit my values. (Well, your girlfriend was like this and had these friends before she ever knew who you were. If who she is and her friends lifestyle does not fit your values, then you should find a more conservative and less sexually open woman. It’s selfish of you to expect her to change who she is and abandon her friends so you don’t feel uncomfortable. When we want others to be different or act different than they are, we suffer. If you are dating a woman who has a lifestyle or friends who have a different value system than your own, you have a choice: either accept and love them as they are, or leave the relationship to find someone who is more like you and who shares your conservative values. Sure, you can get her to change for a while, but eventually she will resent you and you will resent her because you are not celebrating and appreciating who she is as a woman. You will simply make both of you miserable. She’ll never live up to your high standards or values. Those are YOUR VALUES, not hers. The purpose of all relationships is you go there to give. Not to try to change people into who you think they should be.)
I’m confident in the way I look and I thank my good European genetics. There’s tons of women out there and I don’t want any complicated relationship. (You should seriously consider and contemplate the truth that human beings don’t change who they are, they simply can only become better versions of themselves.) In all, I did not argue or react to any of these sexual comments, but it’s not what I want in a girlfriend if this continues. I don’t want other men to see my girlfriend naked or influence her with this messed up sexual crap. (Well, then you should seriously consider finding a woman who already exemplifies and lives the values that are important to you instead of trying to make your current girlfriend into what you wish she could be. If you try to force, cajole or manipulate her into changing who she is, you’ll both end up miserable. There have been countless books written on the futility of trying to change people. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn how to meet and date the type of women you’ve always wanted and have effortless relationships.)
Any advice would be helpful,
“People don’t change. They only become better versions of themselves. Either love and accept them as God created them, or move on to find someone who is exactly like what you want.” ~ Corey Wayne