In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 emails from 2 different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who has been stuck in friends zone with a woman he likes for a long time. He spent several months acting like her buddy and her gay male girlfriend, but now he wants to date her. They recently went out on a date, and as he was pulling her in close to kiss her, she gave him a hug. Later on after they went upstairs to his place, and as she was leaving, he hugged her and tried to kiss her, but it didn’t happen. She has been showing a lot of signs of interest when they are together, but he’s not getting anywhere. I tell him what he needs to do instead. The second email is from a viewer who is stuck in the dreaded friends zone with a woman he met a few months ago through a mutual friend. He says they spent a great deal of time together and that the touching and conversations were beyond just friends, but he says nothing ever happened. She keeps mentioning the word friends when they talk, and she has started to reach out to him more now that he has backed off. He asks my opinion on what he needs to do differently to move things forward romantically.
This is a follow up to last week’s email. Just a refresher…I’m interested in a lady at my gym. We’ve hung out before, and I didn’t go in for the kill when she invited me in. (You spent so much time acting like her friend and hiding your feelings and attraction, she eventually realized you don’t have any confidence. Once that happens, a woman’s attraction level plummets, and it’s really hard to recover from that.) My Christmas party for the gym was this past weekend, and we rode together. (You only do group dates when you’re in a relationship with somebody, but you haven’t even kissed this girl yet.) We were there until after midnight, and we left. She was showing all the signs. She was letting me massage her shoulders and play with her hair. She even asked me to massage a certain part of her shoulder. (This tells me you’re putting her on a pedestal. You’re not acting like a guy who deserves to be there.) I was like, hell yeah. We were bantering, having fun, and talking shit. We pulled up to my place and had a shot. She started playing with her hair, and rolling down the windows nervously. She was fidgety, like nervous energy. I was thinking it’s time. I had my hand on her shoulder and pulled her to me, and she fucking dodged me and hugged me. (You’re forcing yourself upon her, but in that kind of moment, you should say “I think you should kiss me right now,” and let her know you are interested in her romantically.) I invited her in. She came in for a few, still acting nervous etc., so when she left, I decided to hug her and see if she was a little more open to a kiss by pulling her in, but it didn’t happen man. (Giving a hug is a friendship thing. That’s your problem. You’re just hiding and hoping she’ll make the move and be the man.) It’s weird because I feel like she’s showing all the signs. When she got home, she sent me a text. I ignored it, and haven’t texted her since. She invited me to church that night, saying that she wants to go with me. Then today, she brought me cake at the gym. Bro, I don’t know. I’m not planning on texting her, but I do see her every day at the gym. How do I act? (Be fun, be playful, wave to her at the gym, then go about your business.) Do I banter and flirt, or just act indifferent? (Treat all women the same. You should be practicing this with other women.) I feel like my situation is a little different, because I do see her everyday. What the fuck is up with this woman? I’m guessing she’s either, shy and structured, or has a low interest level. (Read my book 10-15 times and learn the fundamentals. Do not call or text this woman again. Wait to hear from her and when you do, make a date to have dinner together at your place.)
My response to 1st email:
Your problem is that you have acted like a friend for so long with this woman, and dithered and hesitated so much, that she has resisted any attempt by you to kiss her. You’re obviously stuck in friends zone. I told you to make dates with her, not take her to group events. The idea is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. It is obvious from the way she has behaved that her feelings are platonic. I would never call or contact her again. From now on, when she reaches out to you, keep your texts to 2-3 replies max. If she calls you on the phone, talk for no more than 2-3 minutes. End all phone calls and text exchanges with this response, “Hey, it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” She’ll either bring up getting together, or stop contacting you. If she brings up getting together, ask her when she is free, and then invite her over to your place to make dinner together. If she won’t come over to make dinner together, and tries to get you to meet her out, pick her up, or go somewhere together, tell her this, “It’s been a long week, and I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner together, give me a call in 2-3 weeks, and maybe I will be up for something more formal then.” She’ll either agree to come over for dinner, or let you go. The bottom line is, you tried to make a move, and she wanted no part of it. Therefore, she needs to come to you on your terms, or you’re not interested. If you see her at work, be friendly, be playful, but don’t go out of your way to talk to her. If you make eye contact from across the gym, wave to her and then go about your business. You need to start talking to and asking out other women, and start practicing the things I teach in my book. At this point, I would let it go and assume it is over for good. I want you to ask out 100 different women over the next 30 days. That’s 25 women per week. Watch this video on my YouTube channel: “Improving Your Social Skills.” Then go to the mall and do exactly what it says twice per week, for 2-3 hours each time. If you ask out 100 different women over the next month, you’ll have a social calendar full of new women to practice on. Typically, out of 100 women you ask out, 10-12 will go out with you, and 3-5 will sleep with you.
2nd email to me:
I’m stuck in the dreadful “friends zone.” I met this woman two months ago through a mutual friend. Based on her actions and what she would say to me, she was really into me. I would tell a good friend and my therapist what she would say and do, and they both agreed. Despite what she is saying now, I think I missed my chance and fell into the friend category. (If you interact like a friend too much and act like you don’t have confidence, women will know you aren’t confident, and they won’t stick around for anything more than friendship.)
I was attracted to her the second time I met her. We spent a great deal of time together, and the touching and conversations were beyond “friends,” though nothing happened. We would spend all day together drinking wine and making lunch. Anyway, just over a week ago, we had a text conversation about our relationship. She asked if we could continue to be friends, or should she back off? Yikes. So that’s when I revealed my true feelings for her. There is lots of baggage, and I should run like hell, but we are really connected. Last Sunday, she essentially said her goodbye, and that it was great knowing me, blah, blah, blah. As a coping mechanism, I turned to Google and found you. I’ve been reading and re-reading your book as much as I can, and watching all the videos, so I decided to put this to the test in several ways. I didn’t get in touch with this woman at all. Monday rolled around, and she sent me a text through our friend. Tuesday, she liked something on my Facebook page. Thursday, she commented on a post on my Facebook page. (Unless she’s addressing you specifically or asking you a question, just ignore it.) Friday, she sent a text to me, just a link to a page she thought I would like. That is the first time I responded and I only said, “thank you.” Saturday, she sent me a text again with a link to something she thought I would like, but also said that she saw it and thought of me. Then, she sent another text saying, “Any chance we can forget my over-sharing, and start over as friends?” to which I essentially replied, there is no way to forget what you shared with me without a lobotomy, by saying “Stop by for a glass of wine when it suits you, and we can talk.” Her reply was, “Yay!” so I think not pursuing her is working. That doesn’t mean she wants to be more than friends, but I like testing this theory. I haven’t heard from her since Sunday morning, and it’s now Tuesday morning. I really want to contact her, but I’m not giving in. (Don’t do it!) She had the last word. (She’s showing signs she’s going to come to you. You need to be clear that you like her, but are not interested in just being friends.)
I’ve also tested this in an online profile. I created one recently, based on your instructions. I have self-confidence issues with my appearance, based on childhood experiences, which I’m trying to get over, and probably aren’t warranted. (These are just irrational fears we all have when we start dating. Repetition is the mother of skill.) I dropped a lot of weight recently, and I am working out all the time. I created the profile, and instead of blabbing about me, I merely described what I’m looking for and asked, “Is this you?” I have already received 6 friend requests, and two hook-up requests. Amazing. I’m not sure how to respond to the friend requests. I did accept, but do I just sit back? (Check out the article on my website called, “The Ultimate Online Dating Profile” which addresses this sort of thing.) I asked a couple of them a question that you gave us in one of your articles, but I’m not pursuing beyond that. Right move?
There is also this really attractive girl at my church in the same boat I’m in, separated/divorced with two small kids. I’ve been attending on Sundays just to meet her. I haven’t had the balls to introduce myself until last weekend during the morning “greet your neighbor.” I just introduced myself, and she did the same. We’ve said hello before during the same thing, but I never had the balls to introduce myself. There is limited time to talk to her. We have our kids on opposite weekends. She only shows up on the weekends she has her kids, which is a weekend I don’t have mine. So, now that I introduced myself, should I just sit back and let her come to me? (You’ve go to be the man. Approach her and ask her out. You’ve got to put yourself out there or else she will think you are shy and lack confidence.) Usually her mom is with her, and her kids are there for the first part of the service, but go to a kid’s room part of the way through the service. (The problem is, you’re waiting too long and not making the move. You’ve got to pull the trigger and make something happen.)
I plan to book a coaching session after the first of the year. I own my own business and the end of the year is hectic.
My response to 2nd email:
Regarding the girl who stuck you in friends zone, any time a woman mentions friends only, you must immediately tell her you are not interested in just being friends, but if she’s interested in seeing you in a romantic sense, then you’d love to make plans to see her. Ask her when she’s free to get together. If she says she’s interested in something romantic, hang out, have fun, and hook up like I talk about in my book. Invite her to your place to make dinner together. Never contact her again, and only respond to her initiated contact. This way, seeing you becomes her idea, and her choice. If she tries to get you to meet her out, pick her up, or do something in a group, tell her this, “It’s been a long week and I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner together, then give me a call in 2-3 weeks, and maybe I will be up for something more formal then.” She’ll either agree to come over, or walk away. She must come to your place and make dinner together for at least the first 3-4 dates. Hang out, have fun, and hook up like I talk about in my book. If she comes over for 3-4 dates and you hang out, have fun, and hook up each time, then you can start taking her out and picking her up, but you still must wait for her to contact you first.
Regarding online dating, once a woman reaches out to you online, the goal is to get her phone number, talk on the phone, and if you like her and feel there’s chemistry, make a date to get together in person for coffee or a drink, nothing extravagant or expensive. My article, “The Ultimate Online Dating Profile,” gives you specific instructions on what to do and how to handle the contact and setting dates.
Regarding the girl at church, grow a set of balls and either ask her for her phone number, or be a man and ask her out on the spot for a date. Ask her when she is free to get together for drinks, coffee, or dinner, etc. If you just want to ask for her phone number, say this, “Hey I’ve got to run, but I’d like to chat with you some more. What’s your phone number?”
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a man finds a woman sexually attractive, the superior approach is always going to be to reveal his interest and invite her out for a romantic date in the evening. The worst thing a man can do is to try to fly under the radar by masking his true intentions and presenting himself as a potential platonic friend instead of what he really wants, which is a romantic lover. Men who dishonestly and falsely present themselves as friends when their intentions are romantic, are setting themselves up to be perpetually stuck in friends zone and not have any woman respect them as a man. It’s always better to get rejected immediately by being honest and authentic about your intentions, than to waste months and even years of your life hung up on a woman who has no romantic interest in you, thinking you’re going to change her mind.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne