A lot of men really struggle when it comes to approaching and picking up women. Approach anxiety, irrational fears and simply not knowing what to say or how to interact with a woman to create attraction to make a woman feel comfortable enough to give them her phone number, etc., will cause men to either not approach a woman they like at all, or cause themselves to feel so uncomfortable that they look like jackasses. I write a lot about how to create attraction, get phone numbers, start conversations with women, pick them up, etc. from a man’s perspective. Well today you’re in for a special treat. How would you like to get some pickup advice from a woman?
As I have grown as a man of years, I have really learned to empathize with women for what they have to go through and put up with to find men who understand women; and who have their shit together. I’ve talked to thousands of women over the years and I’ve heard countless horror stories of guys who were trying to pick them up, but just could not seem to grasp what they are doing so horribly wrong to fail and get rejected so much. Some guys really are clueless, and can’t take a hint.
Recently, I was contacted by a dating blogger named Erin Whitehead. She asked if I would be interested in having her write a guest blogger article based upon any topic I wanted her to write about. So I asked her to give some pickup advice to men from a woman’s perspective. I also asked her to include some of the crazy things guys do to make themselves look like a jackass. Maybe share some of her own pick-up horror stories, and basically share what guys need to do and not do to ensure they don’t talk a woman out of sleeping with them. So today I’m going to let a woman give you some advice on how to pick up women…
“The Beast Within”
by Erin Whitehead
Oh, God, they’re approaching! Lock the doors, I’m scared! We’ll never get out alive! THEY WANT TO EAT MY BRAINS! Okay, well, maybe not that last part. It might be almost Halloween but I’m not talking about zombie movies. I’m talking about dating. More specifically? Being approached by a guy. Hey, being on the receiving end of a pick up line can be just as horrifying as being the one delivering it. And if guys really only wanted me for my brains like the zombies do, it’d make dating a lot less terrifying. But attraction, fear of rejection, and those stupid, stupid hearts can turn a regular dude into a panic stricken monster. Luckily, every monster has a weakness. Let’s explore a few kinds of monsters into which an otherwise sweet dude can transform – and how to wrestle them back into their man-caves.
The Eager Beaver Monster. At first he seems harmless. Every girl has dealt with a puppy dog crush or two and usually a firm dismissal does the trick. But beaver teeth are sharper than they look: A guy let me know he was interested. I let him know I was not. He sweetly discarded my feelings as temporary and went about new tactics. I let him know I still wasn’t interested. Still smiling he stepped up his game with gifts, lengthy e-mails, and heartfelt phone calls. I told him I was uncomfortable. He told me he loved me and had never felt this way before. We had hung out three times. In a group. I told him we needed to just be friends. That’s when I caught a glimpse of his fangs. Realizing he wouldn’t get what he wanted he went about making me feel like a terrible person for not wanting him. He wrote me multiple page e-mails analyzing the reason for my not returning his feelings as my being damaged.
It had been a (long) while since he’d dated. His mistake was seeing the first easy-to-talk-to girl as his last hope for ever being happy. Whether I would have been interested if he’d approached in a totally different way, I’m not sure. I do know that his behavior only made me certain I’d made the right choice. He let desperation and fear of being alone transform his funny, sweet self into someone mean, vindictive, and harassing. The solution: Listen to your gut. This guy was smart. I have to believe that at some point he had that irking twinge that tells us we’re headed the wrong direction. If we don’t listen to it the first time it gets louder. Soon you’re in a battle with what you want and what you truly feel and that adds up to some crazy behavior. Take a deep breath and listen to that inner voice.
Half Robot Monster. He looks human. He smells human. He talks human. But, oh dear God, he takes all his instructions from his robot hand!!!! Okay, you might call it an iPhone, but anything glued to your palm that you consult constantly during a conversation and glance down at as if it might have life altering news every other minute is creepy. Yes, feeling socially awkward is… awkward. And having a gadget to stare at is a great way to deflect those feelings. But you’re only making things worse. First off, a guy with his nose in his phone is not approachable. Second, if you and your robot hand make the approach, you come off as distracted, busy, or rude. I’ve been on several dates recently where, during the conversation, the guy kept checking his texts and e-mail. At one point he held up his phone to show me a funny text. It didn’t matter to me how funny it was – why did he need to be checking it in the first place? Another guy, half way through asking me out, paused to google the place he wanted to take me to make sure he had the name right. News flash: I’m way more excited you’re asking me out than about the place we’re going. Plus now I’m feeling competitive with your little robot. Don’t do that to a girl!
The solution is simple. Bite the awkward bullet and PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY. It’s no better than carrying your teddy bear into a bar or bringing your security blanket with you on a date. The worst thing that could happen is you’ll actually look interested. And you are interested, right? Showing it’s not going to kill you.
The Zombie-eyed Monster. You see her across the room. You’re ready to make your move. Your friends support you because they know what a great, funny, cool guy you are. But something happens in that long walk over to her. Visions of rejection swirl in your head, a wacky cartoon version of yourself swims before you eyes, and before you know it your personality drains out of you like life from a corpse and you’re left with cotton mouth and goggly eyes. This common monster is harmful only to itself. It’s way to scared to what might happen to ever hurt anyone else. It’s too scared of what might happen — period. This monster believes it will hurt less to be rejected if he isn’t REALLY rejected. He can always say to himself later, while nursing a beer, “She didn’t know the real me. If she had, she would have said yes.” And he’s probably right! I’ve exchanged glances with countless girlfriends at bars who were trapped in boring conversations. My guess is these guys aren’t boring, they’re just afraid of looking weird or interested or whatever to come off looking like anything at all.
The solution: Risk. In taming any monster there is an element of risk. In this case, you have to stomp the whimpering beast who’s just trying to protect you and let your real self shine. Any guy can talk about his work or where he went to college. Be the dude who offers up a funny anecdote, an embarrassing story, a detail about your childhood, a unique perspective, or just laughs your goofy laugh. You risk being rejected for you, but if you leave yourself out of the equation completely, you risk never even having a shot in the first place.
There are tons of monsters we can all transform into when we panic. I’ve turned into Giggles-at-Nothing Monster as well as Never-Smiles-Because-Smiling-Isn’t-Cool monster. Both kinds went home alone. Any time you approach someone you’re interested in, you have two choices: Treat it like the scary horror movie it feels like, or remember it’s reality. The reality is you might get turned down no matter how great, nice, cool, funny, or awesome you are. But that still beats sprouting fur and fangs and acting like someone you don’t even know. The trick is listening to your instincts. Hey, monsters are animals and animals are instinctual. If you feel claws and roaring rising up within, take a deep breath and regroup. Something inside you is trying to tell you something. Listen, calm down, tame the beast, and walk up to her as a man, not a monster.
Erin is a contributor to OnlineDatingSites.net.
She is a writer and comedian in Los Angeles.
Follow her on Twitter @girlwithatail.
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” ~ Confucius