Picking Up Women: If You Hesitate, You Will Masturbate

Why hesitating to ask women out & hiding your interest too long leads to getting rejected.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who wanted to ask out a woman from his salsa class for ages. When he eventually worked up to the nerve to ask her out, she willingly gave him her number. However, when he texted her to make a date a few days later, she read it and ghosted him.

He’s concerned things will be awkward when he sees her next time in class. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who met a girl in a salsa class, and he said he’d been wanting to ask her out for ages, and she was starting to show him indicators of interest, touching him, always coming over to talk to him, wanting to dance with him during their practice sessions, but a long time went on of him liking her, wanting her, hanging out with her and talking to her, but never making a move, never trying to set a date. Noticing signs she was interested, but not doing anything. Then he was hanging out with some of the guys from the class having a beer, because I guess they they meet sometimes for a beer before or after class, and one of the guys said that he had basically gotten her number and asked her out and this guy didn’t really say anything. If another guy is talking about that, then you say, “Oh well, how’s that going? You guys been out yet? How are the dates?” Because you want to get some good intel. You want to find out if it’s progressing, but he didn’t really ask any questions or clarification. He just assumed they were dating, and he was like, “Oh well, I better not do anything.” Then he didn’t mention anything and she didn’t mention anything after that.

It’s important in this situation that if you are thinking about asking a girl out or have asked a girl out and somebody else tells you that they’re also trying to make a move on her, you keep it to yourself and you don’t say anything, because anything you say in an environment like that, especially with one of the guys in your group is actively hitting on her, if he knows you’re going after her too, then he’s going to try to cock-block you and sandbag you. So you gotta you got to keep that in mind and keep that to yourself.

The best thing to do is when a woman is really into you and touching you, something like this, if she’s hanging out and after class she’s like, “Hey, why don’t we walk across the street and grab a glass of wine or have a drink and maybe some appetizers? I’d love to continue our conversation if you’re free.” She could say yes. She could say, “No. Maybe some other time.” That’s what should have happened.

The longer you wait, especially if a woman starts to realize that you really like her, but you’re hesitating and you don’t have the courage and the confidence to go for it nut some other guy in the class does, what happens? He finally works up the courage, asks her for her number, and then he texts her to make a date and she didn’t reply at all, and now he’s thinking, “Well, now it’s gonna be kind of awkward because I’m going to see her in class,” and he’s like, “How do I handle that?”

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I have an interesting and awkward situation I’d like your opinion about.

I’ve been following your work for around 10 months and I’ve read your book four times and will be reading it again soon.

Well honestly, 10 months and only four times? You should have been able to get through it 10 to 15 times. Especially when you consider if you listen to the audio-book on two-speed and then follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in about four hours. So you can do better.

I know this stuff is hard to apply, but the less familiar you are with the book, the more your game is going to kind of be clunky and kind of weird or awkward, and you’re just going to miss subtle cues that become obvious the more you read the book. Most importantly, the more you apply it and practice it.

I also subscribe to your premium content on YouTube so I have a reasonable grasp of your work, but looking to improve all the time. Thanks for all you do as it’s really helped me.

Anyways, onto my situation: I dance salsa and I am attracted to a woman there that I’ve wanted to ask out on a date for ages. 

Well, if you hesitate, you’ll masturbate. If for a long time, many months or years you’ve like this girl, she can tell, yet you don’t ever make a move or pull the trigger, then when you finally get around to it, she might give you the number just to get rid of you. That’s kind of what looks like happened here. Or maybe she is dating the other guy in the class and they’re just keeping it on the down low.

She’s hot, long brown hair, amazing figure and very friendly smart and classy. So no doubt she gets lots of attention from the guys! I’ve known her for around three months and we always talk when we see each other at salsa. She shows signs of attraction such as coming over to talk to me, touching my arm and playing with her hair.

Now here is where it gets interesting: I have recently started speaking with a group of guys who attend my salsa class and we always meet for a drink before our class. Around two months ago…

So I guess about one month after meeting her.

…One of the guys in the group mentioned he’d asked the girl that I liked out on a drink which she accepted.

So she made a date with him. So if she just started coming to the class within 30 days and this other guy had already pulled the trigger, as you’ll see, he waits for about three months before he pulls the trigger.

So on learning this, I thought I’d leave asking this woman out and let this guy shoot his shot.

Over the next two months however, I spoke to this woman whenever we saw one another at salsa, but I stalled asking her out as this other guy had done so and didn’t want to interfere with them dating if that’s what they were doing. However, this guy never mentioned anything about how things were going and I just assumed nothing happened and they were just friends.

Well again, if he’s asked her out for drinks and he tells everybody this in the group, well number one, we should assume he hasn’t read 3% Man and is not familiar because now he’s telling other dudes that know this woman what his plans are and what he’s doing. So if he says he asked her out for a drink, say he has a date set up, but they haven’t gone out yet. The next time you get together and he’s been out on a date, say, “Hey, whatever happened with so and so? You said you guys are meeting for drinks. How’d that go?” He’d say, “Oh, she ghosted me,” or “Hey, it’s progressing nicely,” or “Hey, we’re just keeping it on the down low.” I would be like, “Oh man, cool! She’s a cool chick. She’s a good dancer too,” and every so often as you’re talking, maybe every few weeks, inquire about it. If he’s still dating and it looks like they’re dating, then chalk it up to experience and spend time talking to and dancing with other girls there. So you should make an assumption like that because more often than not, assumptions are wrong.

Fast forward two months to last Friday, I went to a salsa class and this woman was there and we got chatting and I decided to ask her out for a drink which she positively accepted. So I gave her my phone to put her number in, which she did. I messaged her my number that night as well just in case she wanted to reach out first.

Well, in that case, if you’re right there and you’ve known each other, it’s like, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime.” She says, “Oh, that’d be great!” I would be like, “Well, when are you free?” Should have done it in person. There’s no need to get the number and then wait several days or whatever. If you brought up going out for a drink and you say it in a way that I say it, which is, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime,” then right away she’ll either make a date and keep it, or not and dip on you. So that’s where you strayed a little bit from the book. You waited too long and then you just went and got the phone number to wait to ask her later.

Again, this is not somebody you just met on the street. This is somebody you’ve known for three months now and spent quite a bit of time together at class. So making a date and getting together shouldn’t be that big a deal.

I didn’t pay her much attention that night as I didn’t want to seem weird or needy so left at around 10:30 and left her to dance at the class as there’s social dancing at the end of the class. I waited three days and then I messaged her on the Monday evening to arrange a date. Fast forward five days and I’ve heard nothing from her, which I find odd as we know each other pretty well. She read the message but never responded.

So I would like to get your thoughts on my situation as ultimately, I really enjoy my salsa class and by her effectively ghosting me, it could make things awkward if we bump into one another. 

It’s only going to be awkward if you make it awkward. It shouldn’t bother you one bit. You should just understand that for whatever reason, she wasn’t interested. If I were to do things differently, I wouldn’t have waited three months to ask her out and I would have asked that guy how things went on his date. Then you could have had a better idea, because if you know he’s dating, what could have happened? You could have asked for her number, asked her for a drink, and then she stayed later that night and was talking to the guy that had asked her out for a drink previously, and she says, “Oh, Bob asked me out for a drink.” He’s like, “Really? I told him that I had asked you out for a drink. He knows we’re seeing each other. You know, if that’s what was really going on.” Then she’d be like, “Oh, well, what did you tell him?” “I said yes, but I just gave him my number, but I didn’t actually make a date with him. I was just giving him my number to get rid of him.” She might say something like that to the guy, but these are just “what if” possibilities.

Just to look at it strictly from a coaching perspective, what I would clean up and what I would have done differently, like that first time you notice you’re really clicking, you have a good conversation and she seems to be into you, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime.” She says, “Oh, that’d be nice.” I would be like, “When are you free?” Just like that! Make an instant date on the spot. That’s right out of the book. There really is no reason in that case to waste, but the reason why he didn’t ask her out in person? He was clearly scared to. Why did he wait three months? He was clearly scared and intimidated. He waited too long. He didn’t have the confidence. This other guy went for it.

So maybe they were further along than you thought they were. Maybe that’s why she blew you off, but there’s a lot of things that you don’t know just because you weren’t really following the book and it was just unnecessary. When you know somebody on this level to just get the number and then wait three days because again, you know each other and you’re going to see her in class, he obviously doesn’t want things to be awkward.

My assessment of the situation is that she either has low interest and just blew me off or she is either dating that guy who asked her out (Or someone else) and hence didn’t want to engage with me, etc.

My beef though is we know each other fairly well and we’re friendly when we see each and I just think it’s really rude and shows poor character of her to not at least message back to politely decline or say she’s dating someone, which I’d of been completely cool with.

Women want to avoid confrontations. They want to avoid things that are awkward, and more often than not, they’ll give you their phone number just to get rid of you. Then they’ll just ghost you like that because they really weren’t interested in the first place.

She’s just made the situation awkward by not messaging back.

Well, it doesn’t need to be awkward unless you make it awkward. If you walk in there with an angry look in your face and you’re butt-hurt, you don’t look at her or make eye contact like you would have in the past, if she comes up, just talk to other girls in the class, dance with other girls there. If you see each other and you make eye contact, smile and wave and then go about your business and dance with somebody else. If she comes over and talks to you and says, “Hey, how are you?” And she acts like just nothing ever happened, then after class and you’re shooting the shit, you can be like, “Hey! I sent you a text. What’s your schedule like so we can get together for that drink?” Then just ask her one more time. If she’s like, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure,” it’s like, “Hey, no problem! You got my number. Hit me up when you figure it out.” Then you can just say, “Well, I’m going to run. Talk to you later. I look forward to hearing from you!” That’s it. You can make two attempts. If she still doesn’t bring it up in the future, just act like nothing ever happened. Act like you never asked her out. Never, ever bring it up again as long as you live.

I’d spend more time focusing on dancing with other girls in the class. If she wants to come over and talk to you, smile, talk to her, but don’t be rude. Don’t make it look obvious like you’re trying to avoid her, because that would make it awkward. So that’s what I would do in that case if you bump into her, because you don’t want to go from being nice and having good conversations to being angry and a pissed off look in your face and make it obvious that you’re trying to avoid her because you’re uncomfortable, because that’s just going to make you look like a bitch. The gentleman’s not going to be bothered. He’s going to be like, “Well, maybe she is dating that other guy. Maybe she’s dating somebody else.” The bottom line is, you didn’t get a “hell yeah” back from her.

Like I said, if she comes over and starts talking to you like always, then I would just say, “Hey, well I sent you a text to schedule that date. What’s your schedule like? Did you figure it out yet?” And just kind of presuppose that she just hasn’t gotten back to you because she’s been busy at work or whatever, but if you presuppose, of course she wants to date you, of course she wants to go out and have a drink, and you come from that place, the things you say, the words you say, the tone of your voice is going to be different than a guy who’s pissed off and irritated. He’s like, “Why did you ghost me? Why didn’t you call me back? That’s very rude. We kind of know each other. You shouldn’t do that to me. We are in class. We gotta see each other. You’re making things really weird and awkward.” You don’t want to have a conversation like that. It’s just easygoing, easy to get along with. You’re not bothered. You’re calm, you’re cool, you’re collective. Maybe she’s got a good reason she didn’t text you back, that kind of thing. If she avoids you, it’s like don’t even act like you notice it. If she won’t look in your direction, no problem. Just pay attention to other people that are excited to talk to you. If she walks by you and does make eye contact, you’re like, “Hey, you!”

Again, if she wants to talk to you, she’ll come over just like she always has in the past and just act like nothing ever happened. Like you’re not bothered at all. You shouldn’t look at it as a delay, as an outright denial. That should be your attitude, because we do know that another guy that you go to class with likes her, and if she’s still seeing him and she’s an honest person, she might mention that, “Oh, by the way, Bob asked me out for a drink. Well, I just gave my number to get rid of him. I didn’t want to cause a scene there, I didn’t want to make it awkward in class in front of everybody. So I just gave him the number, and I never responded when he texted me, and I just assumed he got the message.”

Needless to say, I won’t message her again and if I bump into her at salsa I will just say hi to her and make my excuses and move on quickly. I’ve wanted to ask this woman out for ages and it’s kind of backfired. The only positive to come out of it is I asked her out and got her number for practice, etc. I guess this is a cautionary tale of how asking women out at classes can potentially backfire if things don’t go to plan.

I would love to get your views on the situation how to handle it and what to do if she ever messages in the future.

Thanks for all you do Corey! I love your work, so keep it up!

Bob

Well again, to summarize, if you hesitate you, will masturbate. You waited way too long to ask her out. Somebody else jumped in there and then you didn’t. You could have easily just conversationally asked questions like, “Oh hey, how’s it going with so and so? Did you guys ever go out for that drink?” So those were kind of missed opportunities. Again, ideally the first time you notice she’s really into you, especially if you’re in a class full of dudes that like her, it would have been much better to pull the trigger, make it instant date on the spot instead of getting the number and waiting three days. That was just unnecessary because again, you know each other. It’s not a random chick you bumped into on the street.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.