Pickup: Hesitation Causes Rejection

Why it’s always better to communicate your romantic interest immediately when you encounter a woman you want to date, instead of trying to fly under the radar by masking your interest as friendship, in hopes you can later turn a platonic relationship into a romantic one.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who made the colossal mistake of hiding his romantic interest when he met a woman on Tinder he really liked. He randomly chatted and texted with her for over a month before asking her out on a date, so they could actually meet in person. He went for the kiss on their first date, but she turned her cheek, and he instead sheepishly took her hand and kissed it. On their third date, he tried to kiss her again, but she rejected him and tried to friend-zone him. He told her he was not interested in that. He backed off.

Then she contacted him a few days later. They made plans for his birthday. She blew him off and ignored him. Several weeks later, after hearing nothing, he sent flowers to her work. She thanked him and gave him some BS excuse about being busy as to why she had not gotten back to him. Then she told him she had been dating a coworker who was not happy about her getting flowers from him at the office. He asks my opinion on what he should have done differently. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Coach Corey,

I want to start by saying I have been watching your YouTube videos for a little while now and appreciate your advice, as it makes sense, so keep up the great work. (You need to read my book 10-15 times instead of cherry picking information in the videos. There are no shortcuts to success. You’ve got to put the time and the work in.) I have tried to apply some of your advice when it comes to attracting women, but I still have lots of room for improvement. Here is my question and please feel free to share it on YouTube…

I met this girl on Tinder, and right off the bat we clicked. We had a similar sense of humor and would text occasionally, maybe once a month at most, just to say hi. (Don’t dither and hesitate.) I finally asked her out for sushi, and she agreed. (If you dither too long, she will begin to think of you as her gay, male girlfriend or emotional tampon.) The date went great; at least I thought so, with lots of banter and getting-to-know each other chit chat, even resulting with a possible weekend wine festival outing. (That tells me you’re trying to make the second date while you’re still on the first date. You haven’t bothered to read the book, and you’re wasting all of this time and emotional energy on a girl who’s just not that into you. Plus, you’re making yourself look weak, and she’s losing respect for you.) We finished with dinner, and she said she had to go to her parents to bake a cake, but asked if I wanted to go to the supermarket with her to buy cake supplies so we could keep getting to know each other, which I thought was a good sign. At the end of the night, I went for the kiss. She hesitated, so I kissed her hand instead. (Come on man. You were putting her on a pedestal, but that should have been a deal breaker.) I know, corny, but she did say that was a smooth move, and I just laughed it off. We had a couple more dates, we got to know more of each other, and on the third date, I tried for the kiss again, and she tried to friend zone me. (After three or four months of planning dates, she rejected you. When someone turns you down, they have to go out of their way to let you know they want to see you again.) I said I wasn’t interested in being her friend, but we could keep going out and see what happens, no rush. (If you knew the book, you never would have gone out on a second date.) I just wanted to have a good time, since we seemed to have a good rapport with each other. So we did. (If the girl really likes you, you should be able to make a date. If not, don’t waste your time.)

She went out of town for the weekend, came back and said we have gone out on enough dates and doesn’t think she will change her mind about wanting to be just friends. Again, I told her I wasn’t interested in “just friends” and stopped contact after that. A week went by, she contacted me and said she missed hanging out, which I took as a sign to re-pursue. (When you get blown off, you should never call or text again. She has to earn another chance to go out with you and 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing needs to be done by her. However, now you’re going back to groveling.) We made plans to go out for my birthday, (You’re treating this girl like a girlfriend after she gave you the cheek. That tells her you have nothing else going on in your personal life), but I never heard from her for a few weeks. (She blew you off. More than likely, you started calling and texting again, and she blew you off for good. A lot of guys make this mistake. They think they can re-pursue when she reaches out. However, when you’ve been blown off or pushed away, it must be her idea to get together again. Otherwise you never get enough time away from her for her feelings to develop.) My birthday came and went, and I still thought about this girl, (You’re only focused on your interest. You’re ignoring the fact she blew you off on your birthday. Have some self respect), so I sent a small flower bouquet to her work with a note saying, “When am I going to get to see your beautiful smile again?” (That’s a bribe for a date and does not sound strong or confident.) She later texted me the next day to thank me and apologized for the late response. I said no worries. She said she loved them but was surprised. (She was wondering why you had not gotten the hint she wasn’t interested in dating you.) I asked her why, and she then proceeded to tell me she had started dating someone at work, so the guy was taken aback by my gesture. (She tried to make you feel ashamed.) I apologized if that put her in an awkward situation, but didn’t know she was going out with someone. (That’s why you don’t run after someone who blows you off dude.) She said she wished we could have been friends. I told her I was not interested in “just friends” with her. I said goodbye and told her if things didn’t work out to give me a call. (That’s one thing you did do right.) Please help me improve my game, by pointing out my mistakes in this situation. (You didn’t follow instructions. You didn’t read the book, so quite frankly, you did it to yourself. The reality is, you should have forgotten about her 3 months ago. If you knew the book, you would know the signs of interest versus no interest. Don’t waste your time with women who are sitting on the fence about you. Have some self respect and some self love dude.)

Thank you, and keep up the good work,

Bob

“Confident men do not hold back or mask their attraction for women they have romantic interest in. They know they deserve the best, have high standards for themselves and have no tolerance for time wasters or tire-kickers. They know that if women are flexible, romantically interested and normal, they will happily kiss men back when they go for it. They also know not to waste their time on structured women who hold back and don’t kiss, because they are following a set of robotic rules, instead of being natural and embracing their desires. Guys who think masking their true romantic feelings and trying to be friends first will somehow be seen as being chivalrous, will instead be perceived as being weak, dishonest and be permanently banished to friends-zone.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne