If you date someone who is separated or still in the process of getting a divorce, you usually are playing with fire. Why? Their emotions tend to be very raw and they need time to heal. They can be hot and cold. One moment you are the answer to their prayers and the next, they go back to their wife or husband. Messy divorces, hateful spouses and kids in the middle don’t usually make for the best conditions to start a new relationship.
There’s too many good, available, single people out there without getting involved with someone who has not completely resolved the ending of their previous relationship.
This is an email I got from a reader. She became involved with a guy friend of hers of 24 years after he had separated from his wife. Needless to say… she got burned:
Dear Corey,
Someone that I have known for 24 years has been separated from his wife for several months, divorce was supposed to be final in the 21st. He asked me out for drinks. I said yes. I asked if there was any chance of them getting back together he said no, so we have gone out a few times. Had a great time hanging out with him, by the way, they have been living three hours away from each other since they have been married, their jobs and kids! She found out he was dating and now wants him back and he said he still loves her so he went back, I’m hurt and upset. She made him delete me from Facebook and what really hurts us our friendship is over! Every one says people cross each others paths for a reason, I truly don’t get this one! This is not really a question but do you have insight on this?
Suzie
Sent from my iPhone
I feel for you. That sucks! 24 years is a long time for a couple to be together. Its scary to get a divorce. Especially when there are children involved. Some couples take a break only to get back together again a few months later.
Maybe they just needed a break from each other or maybe the relationship has been over for years, but neither one has been willing to admit it. They might not have the guts to leave. Both are too weak to do anything about it.
In one moment he is re-assuring to you that its over with his wife and the next, he deletes you from his Facebook. That’s pretty cold. But sometimes… its just the way the cookie crumbles.
When we get dumped suddenly or unexpectedly, our interest level doubles. A guy dating a girl he does not really care for, suddenly thinks he is in love and the one that he lost was… “The One!” Bullshit. I get emails from people all the time wanting to get back their ex’s only to break up once I do help them get back. They all realize the same thing I did years ago. When you go back (heatin up left-overs as I like to call it), the same reasons that turned you off to begin with are still there.
However, I never judge. I just help people get what they want.
More than likely, he’ll split up with her again. However, if he does and he contacts you, you must understand he could blow you off again and go right back to her. If you are strong and have an open mind, you could just say… “give me a call if it doesn’t work out” and continue to date other people.
The key is never to get hung up on anyone emotionally until they have proven thru their actions over time that they are deserving of you and that they say what they mean, and mean what they say. Its hard to do if you are only dating one person. If you are casually dating and meeting new people, its much easier.
This guy friend of yours or friend who became a friend with benefits does not sound like he is going to resolve this issue anytime soon. The wife had more time in with him than you did. That’s why he chose her over you. Forget about him and move on. Its all you can do.
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Don’t be sad its over… instead… be glad it happened and that you had the opportunity 🙂
Donna says
It can work. He didn’t know what he had been missing when he met me, divorced over 25 years. His wife is a hypochondriac, and never joined him in anything! She spent hours in her room pouring through catalogs, eating cookies and gaining so much weight her knees are bad from carrying all that weight. His marriage was brother-sisters for 16 years prior to us meeting. It was just fate. Neither of us was looking. We met through friends at dinner.
I knew he was married, but he was so much fun! I was in for a good time! Fell in love and so did he after a few rounds of golf. There were tantrums, computer hacking and death threats from his soon to be ex, and his daughter disowned him (she’s back because she likes daddy’s money). We just enjoy things in common. Golf, playing competitively at fantasy golf and football, poker, cribbage, holding hands while watching TV shows we like, and the lifestyle we have had now for 6 years. The wedding invitations go out next month. His son is our best man. Daughter will not attend, but MY kids will all be there and actively participating. They love him! His friends and my friends are now OUR friends.
I even talk civilly to his ex now and then. She has accepted the thing, but it took a long time. My ex asked me if I wanted him to give me away. Ha! I dryly said, “you did that years ago.”
I do agree with you. Play with fire, and you will probably get burned. After my divorce, I only dated married men because they were safe, and I was not interested in marriage. I had my guard up. Just playing a game. Then I started dating very self centered “all that” bachelors, hoping to find a prince, and lost interest in all of them. So this married one came along at the right time for me. If the only attraction is physical, then I say “back off,” but if you enjoy the things he does, and his wife doesn’t wish to share in things he likes, I say, “Hang in there!”
Having common interests is a huge draw. Someone once said, “Love is not so much looking into each others eyes, as it is both looking in the same direction.”
Coach Corey Wayne says
Awesome Donna, congratulations! Thanks for sharing 🙂
jenna says
Thank you!!!! your words found me desperately needing advice from someone who has been in the same situation….He is in the middle of divorce, has been separated and in the midst of divorce for over years…i met him in the second year of that…we have been together for a year and a half and its hard to say the least…im battling myself and my emotions alot.
What you said has helped me so much and i thank you for taking the time to share. Please know how much you have brightened my outlook!
dante marie says
hi i was in an abussive marriage for about two years. he also abused drugs. i waa finally able to get enough courage to leave. i recently moved to ohio and met someone i fell in love with but things wrnt down hil when i got pregnant. he acted like he didnt trust me and to me seemes controlling and because i came from a very abussive and controling enviroment i took a break from him which turned into a break up because he used the very painful things i shared with him abbout against me. he hurt me by not believing me and by trying to not to understand why i needed tje time alone. i was scared. i never planned on going back to my x husband because i know if i woulda srayed i would have died and now that my divorce has legally been filed he acts like hes still hurt by the previous break up. and acts like he camt be with me now. true enough i get that he wants the paperwork to finalize things but neveronce in. mtrelationship did i ever run back to my husband trying to be witj him. i feel like im rambling right now but i jist need to understand this from a different perspective then mine because im feeling really low in my spirit thamk u.
Brian says
I only have one piece of advice for anyone looking to date a person who is separated, married or in the process of getting a divorce. Step back and don’t get involved unless you’re looking for a world of hurt. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I have been involved with a woman who I thought was in the process of getting a divorce. This woman told me she did not love the guy she was married to anymore due to some problems at home but as time went on the truth about how she really felt about him was revealed and I was made to look like a fool. I was hurt so bad by this woman that I suffered from depression for several months. PLEASE, all single guys out there, DON’T get pulled into someone else’s drama. It isn’t healthy. Find someone single who you can have a healthy relationship with. I don’t care what anybody says, someone who is willing to date while they’re married or separated aren’t good people. They’re liars and they don’t care about the feelings of other people around them. They will tear your heart out in a second if you give them even an inch of trust.