What you should do about a potential girlfriend’s beta male orbiter who hopes to date her also.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who reconnected with a girl he dated in college four years after graduation. They are in a friends with benefits type of relationship. A distant cousin of his lent her money and she is friends with him. This cousin has also expressed interest in dating her. He doesn’t like the idea of her being friends with this guy.
They are both in therapy, as they came from broken homes. He asks my opinion on what to do about her beta male orbiter. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
If you’re involved in the world of single people and you’re trying to date and find the best person or persons for you, you’ve got to properly vet and screen your prospects, because you’ve got to determine, is this a good person? Are they good for me? Do they have integrity? Are they trustworthy? And that’s why I highly recommend that you read How To Be A 3% Man, which is available everywhere in audiobook or paperback format. And if you’re skeptical, you can even read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com by subscribing to the email newsletter, and you can read it right in your web browser.
This guy is getting to the point where he’s considering getting into a relationship with this woman, and she’s even brought this up as well, that she would potentially move to his city. But they both come from broken homes, and so, there are some daddy issues there. In the past, she was guilty of telling lots of white lies, so there’s a bunch of red flags. But she’s in therapy, and so, he’s wondering, “Well, she’s working on herself to get better, so what does that mean? Should I give her a chance? Should I not?”
If you’re in the dating world, you are going to encounter women that have lots of guy “friends” that want to date them, but they’re permanently stuck in friend zone. And unfortunately, when you get involved with an insecure woman, these friends or beta male orbiters, as I like to call them, (or male orbiters, if you will), they tend to not go away. They tend to always be in the background, so if you slip up, the girl is usually going to call one of those guys. And so, the idea is you’re trying to identify a woman that has integrity, who is just not going to keep a bunch of thirsty guys around in the background that want a date her. She’s only going to keep guys around that she actually is interested in, because she has a good enough self-esteem to not keep a bunch of thirsty dudes in the background.
Thank you for all the wonderful information you put out there, you are the reason my dating and love life has done a 180 for the good. I have been following you for 6 years now.
Well, I appreciate you sticking around for that long.
And I have read your book 12 times.
Obviously, he’s talking about “How To Be A 3% Man.”
I’ve made notes on it and have watched at least a thousand videos to supplement it.
I am currently in a friends-with-benefits situation with a girl I’ve known since college. We reconnected 4 years after graduation and have been seeing each other for 4 months now, about once a month for 4-5 days since she lives in another city. I have never felt a connection like this before, we’re best friends first and then lovers. The sexual chemistry is out of this world and so is the emotional connection. We both have confessed that we’ve never felt like this before.
We both come from broken homes and have daddy issues but are trying our best to recover from our childhood traumas by investing in self-growth, therapy and practicing a high degree of self-awareness.
Well, that’s a good sign. And good for you guys.
What’s refreshing about this girl is that she has been completely honest about her flaws ever since I met her, due to me being completely non-judgmental and offering her a safe space to vent everything out.
That’s why it’s great to apply what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” because women will just vomit everything up about themselves, and then you get all of the intel that you need so you can make an informed, intelligent decision on whether or not she’s somebody you should keep in your life.
Because the reality is people typically don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of themselves, but somebody that has no integrity typically just becomes better at hiding their lack of integrity. Very few people will do the work on themselves. It’s just like those of you that have recommended “How To Be A 3% Man” to your friends, very few of those friends will typically follow through and do anything about it.
It’s just like people that complain they need to lose weight or get in shape, but never do anything about it, or they complain about their jobs sucking, but they never do anything about that. Hence, the 3% is a small club. That’s why most of the 97%ers are never going to want to learn this stuff, just because they’re average. And you’re either savage or your average in this world.
I once called her out on her white lies, and she said no man in her life or her friends had ever done that to her before.
That’s what happens when you have a good, masculine dad in your life. He calls you out on that stuff and lets you know where the boundaries are. Girls that missed that or didn’t have that never learned that. And so, they constantly get validated that that’s the right choice into adulthood, and that’s why they typically don’t change.
And she thanked me for a wake-up call that she desperately needed. I have noticed that ever since then, she has revealed some uncomfortable truths without fearing my judgement or trying to cover them up with white lies.
Well, that’s because you created a safe space, if you will – a safe place to where she feels she can tell you anything and you’re not going to get upset, you’re not going to get judgmental, you’re not going to get angry. Because all that does is cause somebody to just not tell you. And somebody that is prone to telling white lies, if she feels safe and she trusts you, that she can just really be herself and let it all out, she’ll do that.
That’s what you want. You want a free flow of information. You don’t want somebody giving you little bits of scraps here and there and B.S.ing you on who they really are. So, good job on creating the environment where this girl tells you everything. That’s a great skill to have, and it not only applies to women, but it can be great in business, especially when you’re trying to put deals together.
These were some things that she was afraid to reveal to me before, like sleeping with a guy we both know from college. I appreciated her honesty, even though I wouldn’t have cared about it in the first place since I believe and know I have no competition. We both have a positive attitude towards life and are trying to be the best version of ourselves.
Over the last 4 months, I have taken a cool, calm approach to things by seeing other women and letting her initiate over 90% of the contact.
That’s the way it should be. “A man who loves women is loved by women,” as Zan Perrion says. And that is true. That way, you have lots of choices and lots of options, and you can take your time and go slightly slower than the women are. And when you do that, they try harder to win you over, which is the way it should be. When you watch older movies, black and white movies from 50, 60, 70, 80 years ago, that’s what was always going on in the movies, because that’s just the way women naturally are.
The men she has dated during this time have either tried to rush her into a commitment or have not reciprocated her interest by caring about her enough. All I did was I hung out, had fun and hooked up, (I heard this before, but don’t remember exactly where)…
Yeah, that’s a real mystery.
…not bringing up any serious topics or revealing my feelings. As per your wise wisdom, she has fallen in love with me and has mentioned exclusivity for the first time.
Well, she lives in another city too.
She tells me she feels safe with me, she trusts me, she feels loved and cared for, and that I am a catch. I told her that we should take things slow and wait for things to unravel naturally. She agreed and mentioned that she trusts my leadership on this matter.
So, she’s trying to win him over, trying to convince him to be her boyfriend, which is the way it should be. And this is natural for women anyway, even though the feminists just absolutely go berserk over that. If you don’t believe me, go look at my TikTok @CoachCoreyWayne. Even though, now, I’m shadow banned there, which, by the way, I’m shadow ban on every platform. And that’s what happens. The truth is a nasty pill to swallow, and the tech oligarchs just want to create safe spaces for everybody, because they don’t want people getting upset.
She even brought up, unprompted, to move to the same city as me. Even though she has issues, I feel very strongly about her and I don’t want to discount a potential relationship given her willingness to work on herself, the progress I’ve seen with her and her being such a good follower to my leadership so far.
Well, I think a good next step would be encourage her to move to your city, but not move in with you.
We have such a strong pair bonding due to our masculine and feminine polarity, friendship and mutual admiration. One potential red flag is that she is in contact with a distant cousin of mine. Apparently, they met through a mutual friend over a year ago, and she rejected him when he asked her out. Even though she knows he has romantic feelings for her, she has stayed in touch with him due to him being harmless…
He’s harmless until he’s not.
…essentially a gay best friend, and has taken a loan from him.
So, he gave her the loan figuring, “Hey, this will endear me to her and I’ll get my shot.” Some cousin this must be. Does he know that you’re dating her?
What I don’t like about this situation is the fact that she is using him as a beta male orbiter.
This is why you vet, and this is why you create the safe space where she can open up to you to tell you everything she’s thinking and feeling, so you can catch her when she trips over her own lies, potentially.
She plans to repay the loan this year, but I don’t know how healthy it is for her to entertain him on the down low and use him like that in the first place.
Well, I mean, she says she loves you. She’s trying to convince you to be her boyfriend, but she lives out of the city. So, if she lived in town, maybe. But you really have to see. You have to see what happens here. You know about it, so I would keep the lines of communication open. Because you are dating other women, you’re not being exclusive with her, so I like that. You’re in the perfect position of leverage, which is where you want to be.
She has admitted that she doesn’t even consider him a friend, she doesn’t have any other male friends either and acknowledges that the only reason he’s lending her money is because of her being an attractive girl that he likes.
Yeah, duh. That’s pretty obvious. He’s using the loan as a bribe for sex and a relationship, which goes over like a lead balloon. But lots of guys with more money than common sense do it all the time.
I appreciate the brutal honesty, but I was wondering how I should go about communicating boundaries like these in a healthy manner to her. I don’t think this situation is okay, especially if she wants my exclusivity.
Well, I would tell her that. I would say, “I know you want to be exclusive, and I’m flattered and I think that’s great, but this is my distant cousin. He only gave you the money because he wants to date you. And that’s pretty weak for a guy to do. And so, in order for me to even consider exclusivity, I would want the loan repaid back and I want this dude out of your life, because I just don’t like that. Getting into a relationship with a girl that keeps guys like this in the background, I don’t like it. It doesn’t give me the warm and fuzzies yet.”
I know she’ll drop him if I ask her to, but I feel like she should do it without me prompting her for it.
So, that’s why it’s best when she brings it up in the future and she presses you for a commitment. I mean, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t agree to be exclusive with her unless she’s living in your city. And I’d want to see her pay this loan back and then boot this beta male orbiter out of her life.
But when she presses you again for exclusivity, you say, “Hey, you live in another city, and plus, you’ve got this beta male orbiter that you owe money. So, he’s kind of got his hooks in you for a little bit. I know my cousin, and I know what he’s up to, so I kind of don’t like it. That’s not the kind of thing that makes me want to commit to you yet.” I would want to see you resolve that, so you can put it back on her.
I want to essentially understand what the line between putting the foot down versus being controlling is. I obviously respect her freedom, but I feel this is not okay.
Thank you again for all that you do, god bless!
So, again, you should be coming from the perspective of, you’re the prize. Because you have other options, she’s just one option. You’ve got many other girls that are in your city, but she lives out of your city. And on top of that, she’s got a beta male orbiter relationship with your cousin. And so, in order for her to get a better chance of winning you over and causing you to agree to be exclusive with her, like I said, if you have the idea that you’re the prize then, just like I phrased it a minute or two ago, you want her to take care of that. Not because you’re telling her to, but in order for you to want to be exclusive, you’d want the loan repaid back, and then you’d want that guy to go on down the road. And then you would also want to see that he actually goes away and doesn’t keep trying to reach out to her, and spend time with her, or talk to her, or whatever.
And then see what she does. Because again, you don’t have to do anything. You have all the leverage here. She wants you as her boyfriend, so you want a girl that doesn’t have male orbiters and doesn’t have a guy that’s lent her money. So you would encourage her to resolve those things – to live closer to you and resolve the issue with this loan. And that keeps you in the position where she’s trying to seek your attention and validation, and you’re the prize and the gift that she wins over.
So, I would take your time. I wouldn’t be in a rush. I’d keep hanging out and having fun and hooking up with these other women, because who knows, maybe a better girl comes along. Because the reality is, if you look at how things were, if she was so great in college, you wouldn’t have lost touch for four years. So, you’ve got to look at that too.
If it was me, I’d keep my options open, because I don’t like the situation. Plus, you know her history, and her history is full of red flags, and the only reason you can let those red flags go is if she actually does the work on herself, (which very few people will do), and becomes the woman she’s capable of being. But, again, that’s why my book is “3% Man” and not “97% Man,” because 97% of the people out there aren’t going to change, they’re not going to be open to it, and they’re not going to get better. But you can give her the benefit of doubt and see what happens.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When it comes to relationships and commitments, it’s always better if men see themselves as a prize to be won over by the women who treat them the best and display the best character traits. In today’s society women are put on a pedestal and chased by most men like adoring fans. Women typically will pursue the top tier men they really want while being entertained by the thirsty guys who have no chance. Men who have choice with women take their time to properly vet and screen their dating prospects to choose the best woman for them, while men with no choice take whatever they can get, which is usually scraps. Become a man of value to increase your choices with women.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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