Some potential reasons why your dates go nowhere if you are having a hard time progressing your romantic prospects to the bedroom.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has gone out with three different women over the last several months that just are not progressing anywhere when it comes to romance and the bedroom.
He shares his latest failure with a woman he thought things were going really well with, but when he tried setting a third date, she told him something was missing, that it wasn’t him and she just wasn’t feeling it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The first thing that jumps out at me as I’ve gone through his email is that he’s not following what’s in my book, How To Be A 3% Man. It looks like he’s cherry picking stuff from the videos, and then he’s just making totally unnecessary mistakes and making things more difficult on himself than he needs to be.
The idea is, by reading the book 10 to 15 times and learning the fundamentals, you take care of all of the unattractive behavior. Because when you encounter a woman, she might not have the highest interest, but you’ve still got a chance with her. And so, if you’ve eliminated all of the unattractive behavior, all of the non-masculine type of behavior that turns the typical feminine woman off, then you’re going to give yourself the best possible chances for success.
If you’re with a woman who doesn’t have super high interest, but she’s willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and you’re still displaying unattractive behavior, you’re literally shooting yourself in the foot, so to speak, unnecessarily and making things way harder for yourself than it needs to be, which is what this guy is doing. There’s just lots of little things that he is not paying attention to and not doing that are not helping. In other words, he’s hindering his own success by doing too many of the wrong things.
And so, you can tell right away, one of the first things he does is he meets this girl at a party through mutual friends, but he doesn’t get her number. He goes the indirect route and asks a friend to get the number for him. You may think that’s not a big deal. If her interest was super high, if on a scale of one to ten her interest was an eight, he could probably get away with it. But just little things like this that show he doesn’t have the confidence or competence in person to take the risk and ask for the number, that’s unattractive behavior.
He’s not doing something because it’s easier to go through the friend than being direct. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He’s thinking, “Hey, I still got the number,” but it’s the way he went about getting the number. A confident man asks for it. Especially if you’re having a good conversation, there’s no reason not to ask for the number.
I wrote about a case in How To Be A 3% Man that happened many, many years ago where I was hanging with a good friend, I met this girl and we really clicked. We had all been drinking, and I remember waking up the next day thinking, “Damn, I didn’t even get her phone number.” It totally slipped my mind. Obviously, alcohol was involved, but I knew where she worked because she had told me. And so, I called her the next day and she was excited to hear from me, or at least I thought she was. And then, she asked for my number and she said she’ll call me back.
Well, she ended up calling me back the next day and we had this long conversation, and she was really into me because I could tell when we met she was really into me. But obviously, if you’ve read How To Be A 3% Man, you know that within a matter of weeks I had completely turned her off, because I just didn’t know what I was doing.
So, I’m going to go through his email and after I get through it, we will go through the text exchange where she blew him off, basically. It says something along the lines of, “Hey, it’s not you. It’s nothing you did. There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m just not feeling it.”
I’ve been reading your material and watching your videos and seeing some success but am still having trouble closing the deal.
So, “reading your material” tells me you may have thumbed through the book, you’re cherry picking and you’re being lazy. I mean, this is just totally unnecessary to be making these kinds of mistakes. But it’s good because there’s other people that are going to watch this and go, “You know what, I’m actually going to read that book now. I don’t want to be like this guy and blow a good chance.”
This year I’ve had three separate instances where I met a girl I was really into, went on two dates, seemingly had a great time with them, kissed, but then failed to get to a third date. Once or twice, I could chalk it up to bad luck, but three times is clearly a pattern. Clearly, I am doing something wrong and have more work to do.
Well, it would help if you follow instructions and read “How To Be A 3% Man” 10 to 15 times like I instruct. If you’ve been following me, we’re now in November, which is the eleventh month of the year, you’ve had three different women and you imply that you’ve been following me all this time, but you still don’t mention anything about reading the book. Because people who actually read the book mention that. You just said, “I’m reading your material.” That tells me “I’m cherry picking and being lazy, but I expect to be successful.” It’s not going to work, dude.
The last girl that rejected me really stung, because she was close to everything on my list and we had great chemistry in a way I’ve never felt before.
Well, you’re obviously focused on your interest in her and not necessarily paying attention to her interest in you. You’re projecting your high interest, and obviously, because you haven’t read the book, you don’t really know what to look for.
We met through mutual friends at a party, and I got her number later from my friend.
That’s pretty fucking weak, dude. Now, my case that I wrote about in the book, we had been drinking and I don’t even remember when that particular girl left later in the evening. But I know I woke up the next day and the very first thing I thought was, “Damn, I didn’t get her number. What the hell was I thinking?”
So, that was alcohol induced, but I called her directly, so it wasn’t like I was trying to go through friends. But still, at the end of the day, she had really super high interest, so I was able to get away with it. At least for a few weeks, until I screwed it up.
But when you do that, if you’re talking to a woman – and women know if you’re talking to them, you like them – and you have this great conversation, then you don’t ask for a phone number and then you later go through a friend, that just makes you look weak. Again, this is the opposite of what the book teaches. So, there’s your first strike.
We eventually went out for drinks in the nearby city and went to two different places that night.
Well, as I suggest in “How To Be A 3% Man,” I say three places. Because most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date, and so you want the third place to be some place where you can get a little frisky with one another.
The emailer from yesterday’s video mentioned it was a Top Golf, which is a great place, a great physical kind of activity, in addition to maybe bowling or something like that, where you can playfully tease each other. And since you’re physically moving around, the woman, as she’s attracted, will start literally bumping into you and standing extra close. And so, when she starts doing that, it’s easy to put your arm around her, kiss her, pull her in for a kiss, reciprocate.
When women start bumping into you like that, that’s an invitation that touching is okay. And also, she’s pursuing you. And if a woman is pursuing you, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected. But that’s why you think about these things.
And you’ve also got to think about the logistics of sex. What happens when you guys get all frisky? How far away are you from your place? If you have roommates and you’ve got a date night happening and you potentially might bring a girl back, your roommates need to clear the fuck out. And if they don’t, your roommates have a problem with guy code.
That’s just common courtesy. If you’re living with a bunch of other dudes and the guy’s got a chick coming over, just stay away. It’s the nice thing to do. You should do it for them, and they should be doing it for you. I bring that up, because we’ll get to that. There’s a part in the story where that happens.
At one point we had an intimate conversation about some health stuff she had gone through.
So, it sounds like it was a serious conversation instead of being fun and playful. Love is playful and fun, it’s not serious. And it’s not a job interview, either. You’re there because you genuinely, sincerely, authentically want to get to know her.
At the end of the night, we kissed briefly and said goodbye. At this point I definitely felt she was interested, but I still had to raise her attraction a bit.
So, you can already tell it’s not really that high.
I called two days later.
Come on, man.
I could have waited longer, I know.
So, this is part of your problem, dude. You’re impatient. Just like the quote says, impatience never commands success. You really like this girl, so now you’re trying to rush through things. You’re literally trying to have a second date right after your your first date.
And we chatted briefly, made a few jokes then I asked her out to dinner for later that week. We met for dinner, and right away things felt like they were going smoothly.
Well, if you spent all that time talking at the party, you should have gone and picked her up. But maybe he doesn’t have a car. Maybe he lives in a big city and he’s got to take the bus or the train or something. But ideally, if you live in a normal city, you’re going to want to go pick her up, especially on the second date. Because you’ve got mutual friends, there’s plenty of social proof there.
Conversation was flowing great, we were laughing and having a good time. The restaurant we were at was a mile from my place, so I asked her to come back and she agreed. We had a drink and cozied up on the couch and continued to talk and have fun. Eventually I made a move and we started making out. I should note, when kissing it definitely felt slow to escalate.
So, what does that tell you? If she’s not really kissing you back, maybe you’re either a crappy kisser or she wasn’t that into you. But either way, you were in too much of a rush to get on your second date. Too much, too soon. What’s the rush? “Slow and steady like the river that never grows stale? No hurry, no rush.”
Eventually, one of my roommates came downstairs…
…to grab something, so we had to stop for a moment.
Dude, your roommate’s violating the guy code. It’s like, come on, you’ve got to figure that out. It’s coitus interruptus! You can’t have that.
My TV had a screensaver that rotated pictures and paintings, and we ended up just commenting on them and making jokes for a while. We were laughing and it honestly felt like I was hanging out with a close friend, even though we hardly knew each other. It was a weeknight, so she had to leave to get up early.
More than likely, she probably excused herself because she wasn’t feeling it.
We kissed and I told her I like hanging out with her.
Dude, she knows you like her.
She texted me saying she got home safe and mentioned her old car acting up on the way home. I made a joke about it and said goodnight. At this point I thought I had raised her attraction. Two days later, thinking I had a third date in the bag, I texted her about seeing a movie.
Come on, man, a movie? If you’re trying to seduce a woman, how are going to seduce her in a movie theater? I can understand if it’s your girlfriend and you’ve been on multiple dates, but somebody that you’re trying to do a third date with because you’re hoping to have sex, no. You’re not following the book, dude. No movie dates.
I received a reply 12 hours later saying she didn’t feel a romantic connection, (I attached the texts).
Well, let’s go through the text quickly here. This was the text that she sent him when she got home after this second date.
HER: Made it home safe. My car decided not to upshift on the highway, so I was going 60 MPH at 5,000/6000 RPMs until the next exit, Lol. But I turned it off and on again and got back onto the highway, so it seemed fine.
HIM: Ha-ha, omg that’s crazy. Yeah, the ole try restarting it never fails. Well, glad you made it home, ha-ha. Have a good night. [Zzzz emoji]
HER: I know. When in doubt, turn it on and maybe throw it in some rice, Lol.
HIM: Have you seen Dune? Also… do you want to see Dune?
You shouldn’t be doing movie dates for the third date, bro. That’s right out of the book. But you didn’t follow instructions, so you get the pain, the agony of defeat.
HER: I have not, Lol. I had a really nice time with you and you’ve been so sweet and I really appreciate how well you’ve treated me, but I don’t know if the romantic connection is there. You did nothing wrong at all. I just felt something was missing when we kissed, and you deserve someone who’s crazy about you.
He could tell that it took a while to escalate. So, she wasn’t really that into kissing you. Maybe you were a lousy kisser. Maybe you had terrible dumpster breath, I don’t know. That’s another thing, I highly recommend if you’re a man, or a woman, for that matter, you purchase a good water pick and an ultrasonic toothbrush so you can brush your tongue, getting way back in there. Because if you’ve got stank ass breath, that’ll turn a woman off pretty quick.
HIM: Hey, no worries. I appreciate the honesty. If you change your mind, feel free to reach out.
HER: Thanks Bob. I definitely will.
It seems I’m fine getting to second dates but escalating it beyond that is where I have trouble. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing wrong here. Clearly, I am also reading their level of interest wrong, and that is messing with my head a bit.
Well, you’re not following instructions. You don’t know the book, so you’re making stupid, unnecessary mistakes. And I would say this woman wasn’t that into you, but she was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it started in the beginning, being too timid and weak to ask for the phone number in person, and being impatient and, in essence, trying to make three dates in one week with the girl.
One day per week, bro. That’s what the book says, and I say it in countless videos, and you tried literally to do three dates in about a week. You tried to condense three weeks of dating down into one week. So, if she’s not that into you, you’re trying to do too much too soon, because you really, really super duper like this girl. You gave her no time to miss you, to wonder about you.
These are just the obvious things, and I don’t know how the conversation was flowing in the day, but asking her to go to a movie on a third date, come on. I mean, seriously, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You’ve got to read the book. But these are little, subtle things.
Like I said, if the woman was super into you, if her interest in the very beginning was an eight out of ten, you probably could have gotten away with all these things and it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But when her interest starts out pretty low, and you could tell her interest was low just because of the kiss, maybe it’s not a good kisser. If a guy is not a good kisser, he’s going to suck in bed.
There was a video called “The Bad Pickup Artist With No Game,” with Jennifer and Gracie that we we did, where this guy was literally in his 50s and he has no idea, even in his 50s, how to kiss a woman. If you’re that far down the road and you don’t know how to kiss a woman, you’re with an experienced woman and you do a terrible job of kissing her, she’s going to know you’re going to absolutely suck in bed. You’ll be a two-pump chump and you’re out the door. It’s not going to go over well.
So, I would suggest reading the book 10 to 15 times, following instructions and actually doing what I teach. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter on our website. You can read “How To Be A 3% Man” for free. You can also read “Mastering Yourself” for free, my book on self-reliance. And the book that ties them all together, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations – Volume I,” which is also out. So, you have no excuses. The information’s there. All you do is put your name and email in the subscribe box and follow the instructions.
And if you’ve got a question or challenge in your personal life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When it comes to romance, impatience never commands success. Women love men who are mysterious and who they have to make an effort to get to know, versus guys who are an open book and way too easy. Attraction is not a choice. Women are naturally attracted to men who display dominance. They know what they want, they have a plan to make it happen and they take action to make it happen. Dominance is displaying competence. Passivity is displaying incompetence.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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