Presupposing The Worst Outcomes With Women

Why you should monitor your negative self talk when it comes to dating women.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who seems to presuppose the worst outcomes when it comes to his interactions with women. This communicates a lack of self confidence and is unattractive. He shares his interactions with a woman from his friend group who he asked out, but then she became really unavailable and how he handled trying to set a future date with her.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This email is going to be a lot about self-talk. This particular email that I’ve got is from a guy who has been following me for about two years, and you can just really kind of see his mindset and how he comes from the perspective of, “It’s always not going to work out.” In other words, he presupposes the worst outcomes.

When we take into account that the number one strength characteristic that women find attractive in men is confidence, a guy automatically assumes the worst and it’s not going to work out after enough interactions, texts, the tone of your voice, the things you say is going to come out that you don’t think you deserve to be with her, and it’s just a matter of time before you get discovered and then she dips like all of the others. I know this because I used to think like that when I was younger and didn’t even realize it. Our self-talk has a tremendous amount of influence on what we say, what we do, what we believe we’re capable of and the action that we take or fail to take. So if you think about it from this perspective, this is a good exercise to take a sheet of paper and then I want you to write down all of the emotions you’ve experienced in the past week. You can even pause the video for a second to do that. You can do it on your phone, you can speak it into your phone, you can write it down. If you got something to write with, just pause the video and write down every emotion you felt in the past week.

Have you done it? Have you written them all down? Because when most people look at your list, count up all of the emotions that are positive and count up all the ones that are negative. For most people watching this, you’re going to realize that most of the emotions you experience over the past week are actually negative. So that can give you a perspective in your mindset, how you’re thinking, how you’re showing up in life and how it affects your the words, the tone of your voice and obviously your behavior. If you’re trying to attract a woman, you can get away with that for a while when her interest is high, but if her interest starts out low, like a five or six on a scale of one to 10, as I reference in 3% Man, then you can’t really make too many mistakes before you turn her off and she doesn’t want to go out with you anymore.

So let’s go through this guy’s email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Two years ago, I discovered your work while in a difficult relationship. Despite my efforts to make it work, I realized my girlfriend wouldn’t change, and I had to let her go.

Well, that’s called seeing reality as it is. One of the emails that I answered from yesterday’s video newsletter. The woman’s a habitual liar that he was dating and involved with, she was hanging out with her ex, she had beta male orbiters in the background. He kept expecting her. She kept promising, “Oh, I’m done talking to him. I’m not talking to him anymore.” Yet, not only was she talking to him, but she’s giving him rides to and from college because they tend to the same college. Then she supposedly comes home for the holidays.

So what happens during the holidays? They’re sharing their location and he sees that she’s at a place that he doesn’t recognize. Then she later says it’s one of her girlfriends, but she leaves out the fact that this girlfriend lives right next door to her ex-boyfriend’s parents. What was really going on? Because he had asked her three times that day, “Did you give this guy a ride home from school?” Because it’s about a two hour drive from where they live to where the college is and she says, “Oh no, it was just me.” “Are you sure?” “Oh yeah, it’s just me.” The next day, he asked her for the fourth time and she’s like, “OK yeah, I did give him a ride home.”

That’s just a microcosm of the things that kept happening over and over. I mean, she lied to him so many times, so he was seeing reality as better than it was. This particular guy got to a point where he saw reality as it is and realized this girl is not going to change. It’s not his job to change her or fix her anyways, and he let her go.

Although I was still in love with her, I understood it wasn’t my job to fix her.

Yeah, you just got to recognize that it’s the parents that screwed her up.

After a long period of heartbreak, I found relief in your book and videos. I immersed myself in them, started therapy, rebuilt my life and made new friends. However, I made a rookie mistake: I didn’t practice what I learned.

So he was an avid reader. but wasn’t really practicing it. When that happens, if you read it 10 to 15, 20 times, whatever happens to be, and then you never practice it, you never date, at some point you’re going to meet a girl, just as the way life works, even though it might not happen very often, you’ll meet somebody that will really like you and you’ll like her, and if you haven’t practiced well, these things tend to happen as you’ll see in a second.

In my new friend group, there was a cute but shy girl who showed interest in me. Initially, I thought she was just being friendly, but after a few weeks, I realized she liked me. We had been hanging out platonically, so I decided to take action and set a date. Unfortunately, I had to go abroad for two weeks. When I returned, I invited her on a date to which she said yes.

She got very sick and sent a picture from the hospital, proposing another time when she felt better. We agreed she would come to my place in the new year since I was spending the holidays with my parents abroad. She even bought me Christmas presents, which I reciprocated.

So keep in mind at this point she’s hanging out in their friend group, finds time to go shopping for him and buy gifts and he finds time to do the same. So he’s buying gifts for a girl that he hasn’t even gone out on a date with. Now keep in mind, he says he’s read the book, I assume a bunch. He just said he found relief, he didn’t say how many times he went through it, but he should know better. He hasn’t even dated this girl. Not even one date, not one kiss yet. Yet he’s buying Christmas presents. So maybe he’s leaving some interactions out, but obviously, if you’re going to buy a gift for a girl, it should be for somebody that is your girlfriend or your wife, not a girl you haven’t even been out on one date with. So he says, “We’ve been hanging out platonically.” So he set a date. Obviously, she couldn’t go. She’s very sick.

Last week, I texted her with a definite date, offering to cook for her at my place.

Well, the idea is not to cook for somebody so they sit there and look at you the whole time you’re cooking. It’s, “Let’s make dinner together.” If you’re going to invite a girl over to your house, you should be making dinner together so you can physically interact and it facilitates touching. If you tell her, “I’m going to cook dinner for you, Your Highness,” then she’s not really going to be participating. The idea is you want to do it together so you can have fun together. You can interact, you can touch, touching leads to kissing, kissing leads to heavy petting, heavy petting leads to clothes coming off and then hide the salami.

She replied, “Very tempting offer, will be definitely fun, but I’m busy that day. Could you offer another time?” I suggested a day next week, but she responded, “I have to apologize. I have checked my calendar and I’m going to be unavailable in the next weeks. Maybe middle/end of February or worst case March.”

Now, keep in mind this is beginning of the year and a girl is going, “Yeah, I’m not going to be available for like two or three months.” Yet they had plenty of time to get to know each other as friends and all these interactions and she had time to go shopping for gifts, but she’s not going to be able to make it for a date for two to three months. Maybe she really is truly that busy, but that’s a lot. If you presuppose the worst, then you’re assuming that she’s jerking you around, even though you might think that because that sounds ridiculous.

You had all this time to kind of get to know each other as friends and the peer group before he realized she liked him. He gets around to asking her out. She cancels the date because she’s in the hospital. She got really sick, but yet somehow they managed to do a gift exchange with each other when they’ve never even gone out on a date. Again, I think he might be leaving some details out on some of their interactions, but that’s really unusual. You’ve never gone on a date with a girl, yet she’s buying you Christmas gifts and you’re buying her Christmas gifts. That doesn’t make sense. Again, that’s why it seems like he left something out.

I thought she was just stringing me along and replied, “Sorry, but that’s a very broad schedule. I like you and want to get to know you better, but if we are going to meet once every few months, I’d rather turn my attention towards something else. Why don’t you contact me when your calendar clears up and we can do something fun together?”

I personally wouldn’t have phrased it like that, but what’s done is done. Be congruent with your words, because then he starts second guessing, backing up, apologizing and doing and saying things because his mindset is, “Oh, I hope she likes me.” He’s seeking her approval, her attention and her validation, which is the opposite of what a confident guy would do. So she’s like, “Hey, I don’t know, February, maybe March,” and this is like first week of January. I’d say, “Wow, you sound pretty busy. Well, when your schedule frees up, why don’t you just get in touch then and we can plan something? Until then, I’ll talk to you later,” and I’ll just leave it at that, because you want to give women the time and space.

Typically, if a woman likes you, she makes herself available. When a girl says she’s not going to be available for two or three months, it kind of sounds like a blow off. Maybe their interactions, him hanging out, exchanging gifts, maybe he said and did things, he put his foot in his mouth. Again, we don’t really know what happened. All we know is that she made time to exchange gifts but then couldn’t. She’s like, “I can’t see you for two or three months.” It sounds like he probably did and said things that turned her off because that’s what it looks like. If we’re going to give her the benefit of the doubt because again, he’s never even been out on a date with her, even though he’s already buying her gifts, which the book instructs him not to do, there’s nothing wrong with a girl giving you gifts because again, you don’t really know her that well, but you shouldn’t feel like you have to be obligated to buy her something just because she got you something.

She apologized again, sent a detailed list of her upcoming commitments, including a vacation, and explained she had already informed our friends about her busy schedule, and that’s why she suggested meeting much later when her calendar clears up.

Again, if this is the first week in January and she’s saying end of February, maybe March, I would have just said, “Yeah, that’s a long, long way out. Well, when your schedule frees up, why don’t you get in touch? I’d love to see you. We could do something then,” and then you leave it at that. You don’t call, you don’t text for no reason because you’re making it easy for her to actually follow through on what she says, assuming she really is that busy, or if she’s just trying to get rid of you, then she just never contacts you and then you go your separate ways.

Feeling dumb for my demanding text, I told her I had no idea she was this busy and that I’d be happy to see her if her schedule frees up.

So then he kind of makes himself look like he was upset and he was presupposing the worst by saying that. Again, I’ll read through his text: “Sorry, but that’s a very broad schedule. I like you and want to get to know you better, but if we are going to meet once every few months, I’d rather turn my attention towards something else. Why don’t you contact me when your calendar clears up and we can do something fun together?” I mean, it’s not the best. I wouldn’t have phrased it that way, but the text still gets the point across. The problem was, he wasn’t OK with that and he’s like, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Again, what’s done is done. You’re trying to spend some time with this girl and she’s like, “Oh, I can’t. I’m busy for the next two or three months.” In other words, if you’re really not that important to her, because again she says, “Oh, I can’t in this day. What other days you have available?” So he gives her other days and then she goes, “You know what? I checked my schedule and I’m not available.” She knew what her schedule was. So it kind of looked like she’s jerking around a little bit, or maybe a lot because again, he’s buying her gifts for Christmas even though they’ve never had a date and just doing things he shouldn’t be doing.

She should let me know and wished her lots of luck to her commitments.

I’ve made a very dumb mistake, which might cost me the whole thing, because I didn’t practice what’s inside your book and when the time came, I was blinded by my emotions and past experiences.

Again, it just looks like he left out a bunch of details, because if she likes you enough to buy you gifts, then all of a sudden she dips, probably your interactions, the gift giving, who knows? Maybe she got him something simple and he went overboard and blew $500 on necklaces or something like that. You just don’t know. He didn’t add that detail in there.

I don’t think there’s anything else I can do for now. I have to wait until (if) she comes back to me. This week we’ve met in the gym, but I don’t want to chase her away, so we hugged, exchanged a few words and I went on my merry way. Gonna be a difficult time. Is there anything else I can do, Corey?

Well again, you got to give her the time to follow through on her commitments to you, which is to reach out when her schedule frees up or if it really is that she’s just trying to blow you off, then you’ll just never hear from her, and then you’ll feel like a schmuck for her. Hopefully you didn’t overspend on the Christmas gifts because that would suck. Spend a bunch of money on Christmas gifts for a girl that you don’t even go out on a date with. That is a bummer, but that’s on you.

Best Regards,

The Idiot Who Didn’t Practice (Bob)

I say the biggest part is you weren’t really following the book. Again, as he says, that was kind of the whole point. He was writing the email to say, “Hey, this is why you need to practice because I read the book, but when an opportunity came along, I was unprepared,” and what did Confucius say about that? “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.” Granted, he made some mistakes in here, which I’ve pointed out, but again, if you’re going to read the book and then do the opposite of what it teaches and things go sideways, or a girl tells you she’s busy for three months, you probably kind of messed up. Again, we don’t want to presuppose that she’s bullshitting us. We want to come from the place of, “Oh well, I guess maybe she really is that busy. So hey, get in touch when you figure out your schedule.” That’s all you can do, because if you continue to reach out and chase and badger her, that shows you don’t have the self-confidence to just let her be and let her follow through because again, you assume the worst. If you’re assuming the worst, you’re communicating a lack of confidence, and confidence is what most attracts women to you. So at this point again, you got to practice what’s in the book.

If you guys are new here, the book is free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter and the book will open up right in your web browser.

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