In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for the past year. He said prior to my work he had mediocre success with women. He’s done really well with meeting women in person and setting dates successfully that they kept. However, he recently starting trying his luck at Tinder and has been stood up twice. I tell him what he needs to do differently to ensure women keep dates and show up, instead of standing him up. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I hope you’re doing well. Before I get into my question, I’d like to extend my thanks for the wisdom that you are freely putting out into the world. I’m 24 and have had, generally, mediocre success with women up until around a year ago when I found your work after losing a pretty hot lady, which after reading your book, I came to realize was as a result of me acting like weak, needy bitch. (I appreciate the fact that you’re honest with yourself and you don’t take yourself too seriously, because when you recognize your flaws and you recognize what you did wrong, that approach wasn’t working, then you’re open to make changes.)Anyway, having read your book 7 times and now, halfway through the 8th, it’s easy to see where I was fucking up. Long story short, I was about as useful as a fart in a spacesuit when it came to understanding women, and your work has allowed me to fill that knowledge gap, so thanks coach! (Good for you, for the fact you applied it, learned from my experiences and sped up your success. You didn’t have to go through years and years of rejection and fucking things up to learn this stuff. You can read a book like mine, and in a matter of months you can turn things around.)
Onto the question: I have had success at setting/going on dates in person, and to expand my possibilities, have recently given Tinder a go and had set 2 definite dates. Both of them flaked, later claiming that they had forgotten. (With somebody that says they had forgotten, it means they weren’t really that into you, and you really didn’t spend enough time pre-qualifying them. The most valuable gift you can give anyone is the gift of your time, so that tells me you’re making plans with women that you either shouldn’t have been making plans with, or you didn’t build enough rapport to pre-qualify them first.
Instead of meeting one woman in person and chewing up three or four hours of your time, talk to five or ten different women in that same period of time on the phone through a video Skype conversation before you ever set the date. You may not sense the conversation’s flowing very well, or they don’t seem to be that enthusiastic about asking you questions or chatting, it just doesn’t seem to flow or you don’t like their body language or the tone of their voice.
Instead of being in a rush just to get a date, it’s better spending your time pre-qualifying on video before you meet them in person, especially if you meet women through social media. You’ve got to be willing to walk away when somebody’s not willing to give you what you want, because if they’re not flexible, it’s just not worth your fucking time.)I did the ‘hey, saw your profile and I’d like to get together for a drink, when are you free?’ (Well, you’re going for the date right away, and I wouldn’t recommend that with Tinder. I would send two or three texts back and forth and say, let’s chat on the phone for a bit. You’re listening for rapport. If it’s not easy to talk to them on the phone, it’s not going to be easier to talk to them in person. And if they’re evasive and not willing to talk on the phone, then just say, here’s my number if you want to chat sometime, give me a call, and walk away from it.)
Both women had no written profile and their photos were not interesting enough to banter or comment on; either selfies or just with friends. This seems to be about 90% of profiles so far, so I got straight to the point. (If somebody doesn’t even put a couple of sentences about them, they just have their pictures up, they may just be on there because they like the attention and they like the validation. If somebody’s serious and they want to meet somebody, they’re going to tell a little bit about themselves.)
Dates were made with a time and place, and I left it at that. I didn’t call to confirm. I know better than that now. However, what would your suggestion here be? (I would never meet somebody in person without at least talking to them on the phone. You want somebody who’s flexible and easy to get along with. Be willing to walk away from somebody who’s not willing to do that, because that says a lot about their personality. If they’re easy to get along with and they have a high self-esteem, they know they’re awesome and they know they’re a catch, they’d be like, sure let’s chat on FaceTime. If they’re not willing to do that, then move on to the next. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.)
I know calling to confirm is an insecure thing to do though in the world of beta male behavior we live in if men calling to confirm is the standard practice for women, and if a 3% man comes around and doesn’t do it, is she to assume that I have no interest and won’t show, because she simply isn’t used to this happening to her? (Your problem is you’re not chatting or spending any time to create rapport, therefore these women have nothing emotionally invested in you. You’re just some dude they exchanged one text with. That’s the difference. When you’re meeting in person, you can at least check her out and she can check you out, you know what her voice is like, she knows what yours is like and she can feel you out in person. That’s lost when you’re trying to translate that to online dating.)As you can imagine, getting stood up twice sucks – not for my ego, their loss, for the time and evening wasted as a result. Is there a best foot I can put forward here to stop flaking in future? (Send no more than three to four texts back and forth, send her your number and get her number. Some people will ignore that, and that’s okay. You’ve got to think of it like a numbers game.)
I know you state low attraction generally equals flaking, however they’ve agreed to a date and given me their number, so at least found me physically attractive. I could’ve asked them questions to build rapport before the date though. I know the phone is for setting dates, not for being their pen pal. (The phone is for setting dates once you’ve met somebody in person. Ideally, you want to see what they look like on video, and you want to see if things are going to flow when you meet them in person.)
Seems like a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation. If I call to confirm, they may rightly think I’m beta, and if I don’t then they give ‘I forgot’ excuses. (The idea is to work smarter, not harder, so when you’re meeting someone exclusively online like this, be willing to at least chat on the phone five, maybe ten minutes, and then move it over to a FaceTime chat or a Skype video. With the ones that aren’t willing to do that, just say, if you change your mind, here’s my Skype user name. Otherwise, good luck in your search. Be willing to walk away. Again, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You want somebody that’s easy to get along with.)
I appreciate your time and hope to hear from you,
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When someone is genuinely interested in you romantically, they are excited and enthusiastic to make plans with you and/or give you their contact information. Women need to feel safe and comfortable before they will spend time alone with a man they just met. When it comes to online dating, it’s always best to chat on the phone to see if the conversation flows before agreeing to meet in person. It is even smarter to do a Skype Video Date or a Face-Time chat before planning a date in person to ensure they are who they say they are, resemble their pictures and so you can read their body language and create rapport. The less research and rapport building you do up front before planning a date in person, the more time you will waste with people who don’t look like their pictures, who stand you up and who conversing with in person is like pulling teeth. For both men and women, there is nothing worse than being on a date you can’t wait to end.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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