The reasons why problems arise in dating and courtship, when men pursue too much and romance isn’t her idea.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been talking with a woman for over a year now. They finally got together in person about three months ago and started seeing each other romantically, but she’s not consistent and he says that it’s driving him nuts.
He says he’s been reading my book, How To Be A 3% Man, but based upon his actions and mindset, he’s cherry picking and looking for shortcuts. Because of this, he is paying the price emotionally and doesn’t really seem to know what he’s doing wrong, but from the tone of his email you can tell he is coming unglued and sabotaging his success. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
It’s obvious he’s over pursuing and trying to force things, especially if you engage with and interact with the woman for a year before things progress. And more than likely, he’s cherry picking, just looking for quick fixes and shortcuts, instead of actually reading the book like he claims. He’s probably skimming through it. And this is why I say 10 to 15 times. People don’t listen to me. They think they’re going to be different and it always ends the same. This guy is creating a lot of unnecessary pain for himself.
The important thing to understand about women is that us guys may pick who we want to date, but the reality is it’s women that do the choosing. And I often say that the idea is to go slightly slower than the woman is, because then she starts revealing her interests. And women can’t help this. They do it unconsciously, whether it’s touching, or bumping into a guy, or playing with her hair, or getting too close, or getting in his personal space or touching his hand. When you’re handing things to each other and she gently touches your hand, instead of just grabbing the item out of it. Just the little subtle things that most women don’t think of that they’re unconsciously doing. But when they’re attracted to a man, they just do these things naturally.
And unfortunately, like in this guy’s case, they’re just clueless and they don’t see it, and they try to force the woman to do things before they’re ready. They try to kiss when it’s not appropriate. They try to escalate things physically when she doesn’t want to be touched, because they’re all focused on what they want instead of where she is at in that particular moment.
There’s an analogy, it’s an Adam Corolla quote at the beginning of my my book, and he talks about how when a woman likes you, the door’s open and then all you have to do is walk through. But if the doors are closing in your face, then you turn around and you walk away. And so, the reason why I chose this email is because it’s important to understand when the doors are opening and when to move through them, and when to hang back and chillax. Obviously this guy is having a problem, which is obviously why it took almost a year before they actually met in person.
I’ve been reading your book and watching videos. Please help me understand where I’m at and what I need to do or just quit.
So, your mindset is “I can’t deal with this. I need an answer right now, in stone, today. Do I keep making an effort, or no effort at all and just give up and go away?” That kind of mindset, especially when it comes to women, it’s going to lead to failure all the time. Because you’re living in her world, instead of inviting her to play in your world. And you’re getting upset that she’s taking too long to decide or that she’s not as ready as quickly as you want her to be. So, this kind of mindset and this kind of questioning is what causes guys like you to call too much, to text too much, to be too nice, to try to force things and to overpursue, and you just get yourself stuck with blue balls and friendzoned.
I’ve been communicating with a woman over a year now. Three months ago, we finally got together.
So, you could tell he’s constantly been seeking her attention and validation, instead of taking his time and letting her get curious. And they’ve been communicate for a year. Well, if she was really super interested in him, they would have met a long time ago. So, more than likely, he tried too hard when he first met her and pursued too much. She liked the attention and she liked the validation, but she knew that he didn’t have his shit together, so she didn’t give him the chance to be around her romantically.
And I’m assuming since he finally came across my work, he started backing off and relaxing and becoming a little more unpredictable and mysterious, and this caused her to become curious, because she missed the attention and the validation that she got. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if somebody is not appreciating the attention that you’re inviting them into your world so you can show them, then you just let them be and go dance in some other field.
First date, Thursday, she suggested. It was simple. We went out to eat, and she immediately started touching me.
Well, that’s a good sign.
Friday and Saturday, she wanted to stay. We went out Friday, and she was immediately all over me. We made love, absolutely the best. Saturday, we spent the day and night together. We made love multiple times, out of this world. She actually performed oral and made me finish orally. She goes home Sunday. Over next 3 weeks, she blows my phone up and we make love constantly.
So, I’m assuming maybe she might be a little long distance.
Then I got the “moving too fast I’m slowing this down.”
So, when that happens, you’ve got to think of it in terms of the cat analogy from the book. No problem. She’ll be back. You just say, “No problem, take your time. Give me a call a few days.” A few days go by, she doesn’t hear from you, you’re unperturbed. You’re not chasing her. You’re not reaching out, because you said take some time. Just get in touch when you’re ready. A man who has self-control and is centered is going to say something like that. A man who’s not is going to go, “What’s wrong? What’s the problem?” and make her feel more uncomfortable, which will cause her to pull away.
But if you’re unperturbed and you’re indifferent and you’re like actually maybe a little bit excited that she wants to slow things down — because then you can get back to cleaning out the tool shed or the garage or hanging out with the guys and going to have some beers or whatever — that’s the right mindset, the right attitude. Men who have their shit together are going to behave that way, and they’re not going to be bothered or perturbed by it or think something’s wrong. They’ll just go, “Hey, women are like Mother Nature.” Sometimes they get bored, sometimes they want to go do something else, but they’ll be back. Kitty cats always come back.
Okay, so I did not contact her. I started dating. She saw pictures on Facebook and knew I was with a woman. She immediately starts texting me every day and posts on the pictures, as if she wants the girl to know she’s around.
It seems to be working, because you’re communicating that you have other choices and other options and that you’re not sitting around waiting on her. Because at the end of the day, she’s the one who said, “Hey, I need space, I need to slow this down.” And the reality is you’re not in a relationship or anything, obviously. You hooked up a few times and she pushed you away, so therefore, she’s got to be the one to come back.
Things go cold, but she texts every day. I even try to blow her off, but she still texts every day. I told her after a set date and she canceled, I said “Just call me when you’re available.” Friday, she texted out the blue, “I’m coming over.” She stays the night, we make love, out of this world. She kisses me bye, hugs me. Now we’re back to her texting me every day, as if she just wants to keep me strung along.
So, you’re totally becoming perturbed by her behavior, which is, quite frankly, totally normal. See, you’re again, living in her world instead of just being. Because love is allowing. Loving is allowing the woman to come and go, because women need time to be alone with their feelings, to talk with their girlfriends about it, to talk to their mom or their dad or their coworkers when you’re not around and you’re not talking and blowing up her phone, and you’re just letting her be.
And it’s in these discussions that she has with the other women in her life over the course of several days where everybody’s talking about it, and then she starts thinking, “I haven’t heard from him. I haven’t talked to him. I wonder what he’s doing.” And then her interest goes back up. And you did nothing. You had no impact on this other than just staying away and letting her be.
And then when she reaches out and says, “I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days. I’m upset,” you’ll be like, “Hey, babe. It’s so great to hear your voice again. I want to see your face. Get your cute little ass over here, and let’s make some dinner together. What’s your schedule like?” Something along those lines. In other words, if she reaches out after four or five days and she’s feeling all these great feelings about you, and you’re like “I haven’t heard from you three days. Where have you been?” you’re perturbed, you’re upset. That’s not a good sign, and it’s going to wreck her attraction and cause it to go down.
So, you did the right thing. She cancelled the date and you just said, “Hey, get in touch when you’re available.” A man who’s in control of himself and his emotions will be like, “Hey, cool. No problem. No big deal.” As long as she doesn’t wait till the last minute and jerk you around, because then that’s rude. But then again, if you’ve been interacting with this girl for a year and she does that, she probably doesn’t have a high level of respect for you anyway.
But based on her actions, her interest is going up. You’re just getting upset that it’s not progressing as fast as you want it to be. Love is allowing. You have to allow her to come and go, dude. Otherwise, you’re going to fuck it up.
Hell, I haven’t even had to set dates. She tells me she’s coming over. I don’t even text her intentionally, but she’s determined to text me daily.
If a woman is pursuing you, she’s not dumping you, or getting rid of you, or blowing you off, or ghosting you or sticking you in friendzone. She’s chasing you, because she likes you. You’re allowing her to come at her pace. And then she comes over and fucks your brains out. It’s like, I don’t see the problem with this. This is how it goes, bro. This is how it’s supposed to be in a man’s world.
You let the fair maidens come and go. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And when you do that, eventually they’re going to stop leaving, and they’re going to be with you all the time. And then, they’re going to be all over your ass. When they’re head over heels in love with you, they want your attention all the fucking time, constantly. But it’s a process to get there. And if you follow the process in “How To Be A 3% Man,” you will arrive at the Promised Land.
Yes, I love her. She’s everything I dreamed of.
Dude, slow your roll, man. You don’t know. You just started spending time with this girl. You don’t know what you don’t know. You don’t know what she’s like on her best days or especially her worst days.
But she’s driving me fucking literally insane with this off/on shit. She sends me pictures and texts late night of her sexual fantasies with me. Man, what the fuck, dude. What do I do? Please tell me. She’s got me rattled. Do I just run her off, or play the game slowly?
Play the game slowly, love is allowing.
Do you think she is making plans for an exclusive relationship with me, or what? She’s driving me fucking crazy.
Thank you, Corey Wayne. Please help ease my mind. I haven’t slept in 3 months.
Come on, man. Shit, what’s the formula say? Hang out, have fun, hook up. None of what you just said in that paragraph fits or is aligned with what the message is. Yeah, you’ve been following me, I don’t know how long, and you still haven’t really read the book yet. You’re the one that’s causing all the problems, bro. So take a chill pill, call your mom, go hang out with a friend, have a beer. At the end of day, dude, you’re totally in the driver’s seat in this situation, and you don’t see it.
I would be letting her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and when you hear from her, invite her over. Hang out, have fun, hook up. She leaves in the morning. It’s like, what’s the problem? Why buy the cow and get the milk for free? Why be worried about a relationship when she’s coming over and fucking you constantly? What’s the problem?
This is how relationships start. Women come over and fuck you over, and over and over again to the point where they’re around you and with you all the time. A relationship will eventually happen, just like the book says. It’s not your job, it’s not your purview, it’s not your AOE, your area of operations. Your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and hook up. Stop complicating it, dude.
This shit’s not that hard, but you’re making it hard because you didn’t follow instructions. You didn’t read the book 10 to 15 times. So, I suggest that you do this, let her do a 100% of the pursuing, simply invite her over and hang out, have fun and hook up, and eventually the relationship will happen. You don’t need to worry about it. Again, hang out, have fun, hook up, very simple.
So if you’ve got a question or a challenge that you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Uncentered men who are not in control of themselves or their emotions tend to overpursue and try to force things to happen in their romantic pursuits, instead of letting them happen at a woman’s pace. Love is allowing. It’s creating the conditions where women feel safe and comfortable enough to communicate their romantic interest and invite men to escalate physical intimacy. Men who don’t know any better try to force things by escalating physical intimacy when it’s not appropriate or before a woman is ready. Men who understand women and know how to read body language and the subtle cues women unconsciously give off that communicate they are ready to be kissed, touched and seduced, seduce women easily and effortlessly.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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