Why you need to be rational and realistic when you start dating new people to make sure you don’t project your unreasonable, unrealistic, and irrational dating fantasy onto someone who has too many flaws to live up to your fantasy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers who are projecting their irrational, unreasonable, and unrealistic dating fantasies onto women, but ignoring all of their character flaws that preclude them from being good relationship material. The first email is from a viewer who met a woman in a club who has a much older boyfriend, who in essence, is a sugar daddy. They started talking and she basically invited him over to have sex, but because he was projecting his dating fantasy onto her, and ignoring the fact she is basically using one guy to pay her bills, and wants to cheat on her rich older boyfriend with him, he told her he would not do that until she was free of the other guy. He’s focused on trying to turn a user, taker, liar, and a cheater into good relationship material. I tell him how he should really approach his interactions with this woman. The second email is from a viewer who got involved with a woman who was emotionally, verbally, and sexually abused by other men. She is a serial cheater and liar. He made the mistake of thinking he could save or change her. Eventually, she pushed him away, and cancelled a vacation at the last minute. When he went over to confront her about her behavior, she was already with a new guy. It definitely was not a pleasant experience for him.
Thanks for all the time you spend to make it easier for us.
I am a 25 year old male. I met a wonderful, 23 year old lady in a club. She was interested in me, we talked a bit, and I asked for her number. She told me she has a boyfriend, but we can be friends on Facebook. I said ok. I never texted her, and she did not text me. After 2 months, she invited me out for coffee, and I accepted. We spent 7 hours talking, and it was very nice.
I didn’t text her again, and she invited me out. We went out together and, again, it was perfect. I did the same thing, and maintained a low profile. I checked out her boyfriend, and I saw that he is a business man, about 50 years old, who travels a lot. (It sounds like she’s using him to pay her bills and support her lifestyle.)
Two days after we were out, she called me about midnight, and invited me over for sex, but she told me it may be the last time we do it. I refused, because I want her as a girlfriend, as she is my type. (Do you really want a relationship with a girl who has a 50-year-old boyfriend? This girl has zero integrity. She is not relationship material. Tell her when she’s completely single to get in touch with you.) She was very surprised. I told her, when she decides to leave him, we will talk. She then started to text me every day. She is telling me she can’t sleep, and that she is thinking about me, and I told her the same. She invited me out again, and this time, I took her to very romantic place. She asked me to kiss her, which I did, and we spent the evening kissing.
She doesn’t love that guy, but now her job depends on him, because she works in his company. That’s the main reason she isn’t breaking up with him. What should I do? (If you really want to keep her as a sex playmate, invite her over to your place, but you’re playing with fire. I personally wouldn’t get involved with her.) Should I ask her for dinner at my place and have sex with her, or should I maintain my low profile until she does something about the boyfriend? My weak point is that I really want a relationship with her. A video reply will be very appreciated. Thanks for your help. (You need to find someone who is single, available, and not so pathetically weak that they live a lie like this.)
My best regards,
My response to first email:
You must understand, this woman is happy to use, lie to, and cheat on her boyfriend. She is not good relationship material. If she cheats on him when she is unhappy, she will cheat on you when she is unhappy. You are ignoring reality and deluding yourself into thinking you will be different. The only thing this woman is good for is a fuck buddy, sex playmate, friend with benefits, or to have an open relationship with. I would never contact her or go meet her out for dates, but if you want to just hook up with her from time to time, invite her over to your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun, and hookup like I talk about in my book. Wait to hear from her and when you do, assume she wants to see you, and make a date at your place. If you want a girlfriend and someone to have a relationship with, you need to date women who are single and available, and who place high value on being loyal and faithful. I personally would not become involved with a woman like this because you never know what the guy will do if he finds out she’s cheating on him, but it’s your life and your choice.
We were together for a year, and I lived about an hour away. We talked every day for 1-2 hours, and spent every weekend together. We both had plans for marriage. She was insecure and jealous, mainly over Instagram. She has abandonment issues from her father, and has been in relationships where she was cheated on, and physically abused. Her last boss physically and sexually abused her. (Obviously, she has some issues, and she’s probably going to be fucked up if she hasn’t gotten any therapy for it.) I was there for her in her darkest moments, and supported her throughout the relationship. The last two weeks of the relationship was make up to break up, and I was the one trying to make it work by deleting my Instagram to salvage the relationship. She broke up with me on Halloween over the phone, and said a lot of hurtful things, which was two days before our trip to Paris and Egypt. I sent her flowers the day of the trip, and I was hoping to get a response back from her, but because I didn’t, I added my Instagram back before I boarded the plane. (She dumped you and you sent her flowers? That looks pathetically weak.) Then, I got a text message from her saying, “You’re dead to me, and I hope you don’t have a safe flight.”
I didn’t reach out to her until I got back, and she wouldn’t respond to my text, email or flowers. (You’re showing no self-respect for yourself.) I decided to go over to her house to talk, only to see another guy picking her up. I followed her to a house, got out the car, and confronted her. The guy said to me, “Don’t talk to my lady like that,” which pissed me off to the point were I called her a whore. She never said one word, and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. I left, and held myself back from fighting the guy. (I would never call or contact this woman again. Have some self-respect, and grow a set of balls.)
The hardest part for me was how she broke up with me, and how I had to go to a third-world country by myself. I’m sure this guy was in the picture towards the end of the relationship. (That’s why she doesn’t warrant a second of your time.) I still love her, and I’m having a tough time dealing with this because I felt like she was the one. (She’s not the one. She’s a fuck-buddy or a sex playmate. She’s a liar, she’s a cheater, she’s devious, and she did you a favor. The good news is she’s with some other guy and so in the meantime, you should be dating other women and looking to replace her.) Does she feel any remorse or guilt? (Probably not. She didn’t care.) How do I get her back? After all that, is it too late? (Yes, it’s time to let her go, move on with your life, and start looking for women who are single, available and are not going to act this way. You are projecting your fantasy onto her, and ignoring a truckload of red flags.)
My response to second email:
You are deluding yourself and ignoring reality. This woman is not good relationship material. Being loyal, faithful, and honest is something she is simply incapable of. You need to take a hard look at yourself and do some self-reflection because you do not act like a man who loves himself, values himself, or perceives himself as having anything of value to offer to a woman. This woman has totally treated you like a doormat and cheated on you, but yet you continue to chase her, pursue her, and ask her to do it to you again. That’s fucked up dude. You should never contact her again. Move on with your life as if it’s over and you will never hear from her again. If she ever reaches out to you in the future, assume she wants to see you, and make a date at your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun, and hookup like I talk about in my book. Make her come to you and earn you back. Do not take her out, pick her up, or meet her out. If she tries to get you to do anything other than coming to your place, give her this response, “It’s been a long week, and I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner together, then give me a call in 2-3 weeks and maybe I will be up for something more formal then.” She needs to earn you back. If on two separate occasions when she reaches out to you, and you invite her to your place to make dinner together, but she shoots you down both times, stop asking her to come over. From that point forward, when she reaches out to you, keep your text conversation to 2-3 texts max, and if she calls you on the phone, keep your phone conversation to 2-3 minutes max. End the conversations with the same response every time, “Hey it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” She’ll either bring up getting together, or stop contacting you. You need to read my book 10-15 times and start applying what it teaches so you can meet a high quality woman, and you can have a healthy, loving, mature adult relationship.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“All men and women have an ideal of what they think the perfect lover or person to have a great relationship with is like. As we date, we often will project this fantasy onto a person we just met, but yet do not know, because our feelings and emotions are so strong. Our fantasy can blind us to the reality of their true nature. In order to protect our hearts, we must always remain objective and see new lovers as they really are by focusing on what they do, and not so much what they say. It is also essential to be a detective and listen to them as they describe their previous relationships and lovers for clues as to how they really operate in relationships. When you start dating someone, and they never have any good or healthy previous dating or relationship-experience, that should be a major red flag. In order to get what you want in your romantic life, you must be willing to walk away from lovers whose present reality does not match your fantasy or ideal. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for tremendous unnecessary heartbreak and suffering.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne