How to properly vet the women you date before getting into a relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a 26-year old viewer who has struggled to properly vet the women he’s dated, who often have male orbiters and integrity issues.
The 2nd email is from a 63-year old viewer who has had 2 divorces and put up with lots of toxic behavior from his exes. After the 2nd divorce, he found my work and shares how what he learned helped him to properly vet his current girlfriend of 3 years. They have an easy and effortless relationship, and he shares how he keeps it going and her in love with him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I am a 26-year old medical student and an avid follower of your content, (I read your book 11 times). Two of my closest friends are also 3% men. One of them recently did a phone session with you to get clarity on his life mission.
The problem I am facing has nothing to do with a specific girl, but rather a collection of observations I made since applying your work. (more than 4 years). I have had some exclusive relationships in which I noted some inappropriate behavior, (messaging other guys or exes, etc.). As you teach, I would confront in a relaxed but extremely clear way that I do not tolerate some types of behaviors and that I am okay being non-exclusive. Two scenarios follow:
- The girl continues in her behavior. In this case, if I have feelings for her, I would rather end it; if not, I keep her as a friend with benefits.
Yeah, this is the whole point of vetting. Before you even get into the point where you’re vetting is you’ve got to know your outcome. What kind of a relationship do you want? Are you looking for somebody to marry? Do you want somebody to have kids with? Do you want a girlfriend, a friends with benefits? What is it you’re looking for, specifically? And then once you know that, once you know your outcome, what it is that you want, you’ve got to have an emotionally compelling reason why you want it.
And, obviously, if you want a healthy relationship, you want to experience good times, full of love, full of fun, obviously lots of sex. And so, once you know your outcome and what you want, you’ve got to make sure your goals and values are aligned. And part of what you’re looking for is level of integrity. Does she keep her word? Does she do the things that she says she’s going to do? Or does she consistently say one thing and do another?
So, if she’s constantly saying that, if she’s constantly late, she doesn’t pay her bills on time, doesn’t keep her car clean, doesn’t keep her house clean, whatever – in other words, you see a lack of discipline – you’ve got to pay attention to those things. It’s not your job to fix her or to save her. I mean, obviously, nobody’s perfect, we’ve all got things that we’re working on, but the important thing is that we each become aware of our own flaws and we seek to better ourselves. We don’t just keep making excuses for toxic behavior and then exhibiting it.
If you’ve got girls that have lots of male orbiters and there was never a dad growing up that gave her that strong, masculine energy and presence, if she came from a family where there’s lots of lying and cheating going on, the likelihood that she’s going to continue that family succession of lying and cheating is really good. It doesn’t mean they’re all going to do it, but it means a large percentage of them are. And so, if you spot this behavior right away, you’ve got a girl that’s got almost no girlfriends, and all of her friends are guys, more than likely, her life is full of dudes that want to sleep with her but are stuck in friend zone.
And then, when she’s secure in your dating with her and your relationship, she’s not going to talk to those guys very much. But as soon as you slip up, she’s like, “Heeey!” She’s texting him, meeting him out for drinks or coffee, or whatever, and then complaining about you and your relationship and what’s going on. That’s not what you want. And so, you’re looking to see what her level of integrity is. Because a woman that comes from a good family, that values, loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, if she’s in a relationship, she’s not going to have a ton of male orbiters. She’s just simply not going to do that kind of behavior, because it’s not loving.
And especially once she’s in a relationship, if there are other guys she’s talking to, once she gets serious, she’s going to dip out. And so, what you’re trying to do is identify, what’s her character? Does she keep her word? Is she an honest person? Is she loyal? Does she value loyalty? Does does she have good friends? Are her friends good people? Do they care about her? Are they loyal, or are they ratchets? Are they screwing each other over? Are their lives full of drama and problems? What’s really going on? You’ve got to pay attention to these things. Because you’re looking for somebody that’s ready, willing, able and open to dating you. And not all of them are, unfortunately.
- The girl stops her behavior, (at least to my knowledge). However, they might stop just because of their feelings for me; the moment we hit a hard patch in the relationship, (and it is just a matter of time), the untrustworthy behavior might resume.
Yeah, everybody gets complacent. I get complacent, it happens. The longer you’re in a relationship, the more you’re going to get complacent, the more you’re going to get lazy. It happens over many months and years. It doesn’t happen in a couple of days, typically. And so, you slowly regress. And this is where the vetting comes in. If you vetted her properly, if she didn’t exhibit this kind of behavior, or maybe she was, but as her attraction drops, she’ll typically return back to this behavior if she’s not willing to make the changes permanently.
- Not all girls I have been with act this way, but some do.
Well, if you’re hanging out with girls that behave this way, they’ve got lots of male orbiters, and especially if you’re thinking about getting in a relationship, or you get into a relationship and she’s still got these male orbiters, these are things you’ve got to pay attention to before you get into the relationship. Because it’s also possible she just keeps it from you. But people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days. And so, ideally, you want to create the conditions where she thinks you trust her completely. And if she thinks you trust her completely and she’s ratchet, she doesn’t have any integrity, she’s going to slip up. And when she slips up, you’ll be able to catch her in it.
In the second case, the problem is that you realize the insecure/devious nature of the person you are with when you might be years in the relationship.
Well, it shouldn’t take years to figure out that you’re with somebody that doesn’t keep their word and they’re not honest. That should be behavior you can discover in the first few weeks. Just simple things, like little things she says she’s going to do. “Oh, I’m going to cook you this big dinner Friday night. I’ve got all of this stuff planned. I got the ingredients. I got this, I got that.” And then she comes over Friday night, empty handed and is like, “Oh, let’s just order some takeout sushi.” “Well, you told me you had this big meal you were going to prepare for me, and now you’re like, ‘Yeah, let’s get some takeout.'” Just little things like that.
Does she follow through on her commitments and promises? She went out of her way to tell you how much she cared, and she’s going to make this big, favorite meal for you, and then she shows up empty handed. Just simple things like that. Why wouldn’t she follow through on that? Why would she say something and then do the do the opposite? That’s important. That’s indicative of character. And so, if somebody says one thing and does another and then you go and you get into a relationship, and then two or three years later, you’re like, “Oh, she’s a liar. She doesn’t keep her word,” you shouldn’t be shocked.
On one hand, I have to set my boundaries and tell them early on that I am not okay with some types of behaviors; on the other hand, in an attempt to screen girls, I date more quickly, I am tempted to say absolutely nothing and just silently observe how the girl behaves. What are your thoughts on the matter?
Well, it’s part of getting her to talk. She’s going to talk about her previous relationship, she’s going to talk about her family and her friends, and you are who you associate with. So if she’s hanging out with people that are cheating on their boyfriends or their husbands or whatever, she comes from a family of liars and cheaters and devious people, and she goes on and on about all the toxic behavior, typically, her drama and her behavior becomes your drama and behavior after a while, if you put up with it. Because whatever you tolerate, you invite more of.
So with that said, I would say just basically after going through and reading this guy’s email is that getting 2 to 3 years down the road in a relationship and then finding out where somebody is dishonest, there’s other things that are going to give it away. So, you’ve got to pay attention. Does she keep her words? Does she follow through on her promises? And then what happens when you call her out on it? Does she change? Does she submit and never do it again? Or does she do it properly for two or three times, and then when she thinks you’re not paying attention, revert back to the old way That’s what you’re trying to figure out. Character is destiny. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’m writing to say thank you on behalf of the thousands of elite, mature men who follow your work, which has filled their unique knowledge gap, which no one else could fill. We are the silent 2% men in your audience, (no typo).
The figure is low, the best of the best. That’s why it says “3% Man.” Whatever the reason, whether it’s sales, direct response advertising, if you get 2 to 3% response – that’s typically what you’ll see whether you’ve got an ad or a commercial or whatever – that’s a good response. When you look at the top people in their field that accomplish things that date the kind of people you want to date, they have the kind of business you want to have, they have the kind of life and lifestyle you want to have, very few are willing to pay the price to get there. Most people are just average, mediocre people, and it really doesn’t take a lot to excel beyond them.
You’ve got to be willing to do things that make you uncomfortable, and you’ve got to be willing to be disciplined for decades. Not a few years, a few months, but decades. Great things take decades. And I go in extensive detail on that in “Mastering Yourself” – how long it took to get from where I was and real estate to where I am, to get from where I was in school at 18 to having that very successful company by the time I was in my my early thirties. That was 15 to 16 years to get to that point where things had peaked. Great things take time. You’ve got to be patient. And most people just won’t stick with the things they really want.
I believe that the example of my life represents multitudes of other elite men, that you will never hear from. It is my goal to encourage both you and them, with the story of my successes, from implementing your mindset. (Hopefully this will become a video, for the benefit of many.)
Well, you’re in luck. Thanks for writing.
I began life with an abusive, cheating, lying father, and made a decision at age 13 that I would be the opposite.
This is like what I was talking about earlier. If the girl respects you, and if she’s aware, she comes from an environment like this, it doesn’t mean that she’s going to be exactly the same. And his case, he made the decision. He he adopted the belief that “I’m going to be the opposite of what my parents are.” A lot of people don’t. They just become what their circumstances and their environment dictates. They’re kind of just along for the ride, if you will.
This guy said there was too much pain in his life, and he didn’t like it. He said, “I’m going to be different.” And that’s what you want. You want somebody that recognizes, “I came from a messed up environment, and I’m going to be different.” The same thing I got to. I mean, you guys that are familiar with “3% Man,” you know my story.
I’m now 63-years old, with 2 sons and 5 grandchildren, and we love each other with all of our hearts. I am a fantastic dad and grandpa.
I am at an elite level, professionally, spiritually, and relationally with my family, but I have been divorced twice. Despite my unending obsession with personal and spiritual growth as a man, (CANI)…
Which is an acronym from Tony Robbins back in the day. CANI stands for “Constant And Neverending Improvement.”
…my knowledge gap with women remained. I became a strong man of integrity and character through my intense spiritual desire, study, and personal journey.
Again, he made a personal choice. After the pain that he experienced growing up, he said, “I’m not going to have this. I’m going to be better.”
I had only had terrible role models growing up, and intentionally chose to seek exceptional models instead. This was affirmed as I became sought after to be in leadership positions. The same was true of my professional journey, as I rose to an elite level, over the course of 3 decades. And due to my commitment to my family, as a result of my childhood abuse, I continually worked to be a better father and husband every day. I succeeded as a father, but as a husband, I struggled. None of my acquired skills and knowledge worked with women.
He just simply had a bad strategy. And you didn’t know. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. As Confucius said, “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”
When my first marriage of 25 years failed, I doubled down to find and correct my weaknesses. (She left me and our 2 children for a jobless, married, illegal immigrant.) I discovered selfishness in myself and worked very hard to correct it.
A few years later, at the top of my game, I met and married a hot, younger (14-years) professional woman.
Sounds like he upgraded, right?
After 6 months of marriage, she began a long downward spiral into lies, depression, and prescription drugs.
I had ignored, or hadn’t been able to recognize, the early red flags. I just thought, “No one is perfect.” Years of pure hell followed.
So, as you say, “Nobody’s perfect. I’ll just make excuses for all those flaws and faults, and I’m sure it’ll just be fine.” And it didn’t. So, he saw the red flags, but he’s like, “Hey, nobody’s perfect. I’ll work.”
During this time, I kept looking for better information, and finally found your work. You had the wisdom with relationships and women that I had been searching for, for over 30 years. It was simply not available anywhere else. Yes, of course, I had made mistakes and had problems of my own, but I was able to find answers spiritually, and through other great men, to correct them. But only your work showed me that I had chosen bat-shit crazy women, twice. And only by obsessively studying your work was I able to see my attraction toxins and correct them.
Yeah, you’ve got to remember your childhood influences you. And so, whether you realize it or not, you’re emotionally anchored to be attracted to certain behaviors that are toxic and dysfunctional. And so, when you come across women in your life that make you feel the same way you felt in childhood, you feel like you’re in love. Remember, we make our decisions based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify those.
After my second divorce, I kept studying, and started practicing. A lot. I dated 60+ women over 18 months and found a great lady.
Dude was on a mission.
We have been together for 3+ years, and I continue listening to and reading your work, to stay sharp and keep all things at a level 10.
And so, that’s the difference between the guys that succeed and the guys that don’t. He didn’t get a girl and just go, “Okay, great. Well, I’ve got this part handled.” He always looked at it and thought, “I’ve got to keep learning.” Remember the acronym from Tony Robbins, CANI: Constant And Neverending Improvement. He didn’t stop improving. He was constantly trying to get better, and so he did.
She is crazy about me, always wants more, and always says, “Yes please!” I am also always on guard for complacency, and I keep courting her like newbies.
Remember, the courtship never ends. The two reasons why long term relationships don’t work out, out of all the thousands of phone sessions I’ve done over the years, the two things that guys always struggle with is, number one, the girl doesn’t feel heard and understood. And number two, he stopped dating and courting her. In other words, the love story ended, and women want to be in a love story.
On behalf of all the silent 2% men out there, (no typo), thanks Coach!
Well, you’re welcome, Bob. Thanks for writing that in. Like I said, you could see two very different experiences. But in the second email, that guy had two very toxic marriages, as he said, “batshit crazy women.” He recognized that his approach was flawed, and he sought to fill in his knowledge gap, which he’s done with my work. And so, three years on, he’s in the best relationship of his life.
And because he continues to study, he’s trying to make a concerted effort to not get complacent. And that’s why his girl continues to be crazy about him, because he continually makes the effort. The courtship is always ongoing, and he’s obviously always making her feel heard and understood. And when the girl feels heard and understood, you never have to worry about getting rejected for sex. It’s just not going to happen. Plus, if you follow and know the book and you understand two steps forward, one step back, things will be easy and effortless for you, assuming you chose a good woman.
But again, remember, character is destiny. When you see those flaws, when you lend the girl money, ten bucks, and then she says, “I’ll pay you back tomorrow,” and tomorrow comes and goes, she never mentions it, and then a week goes by because you’re just trying to see if she’ll pay you back, and then you bring it up, then she gets mad at you, you can’t just ignore that. You’ve got to pay attention to character. What is it telling you? What are her actions telling you about her character? Character is destiny.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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