How to properly balance spending quality time with your significant other so they are eager to spend even more time with you in the future, versus coming off as being needy and clingy, which will cause them to back away and spend less time with you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about two months. He has been dating his girlfriend for about two years now. After reading the book, “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, he realized that his love language was quality time and his girlfriend’s love language is based upon gifts and acts of service. He realized that when he did not spend enough quality time with his girlfriend and his previous girlfriends, this led to him becoming needy and clingy. He is starting to learn how to properly balance spending quality time with his girlfriend, but giving her space and time away from him to miss and want to see him. He asks my opinion on what he should do so his neediness and clinginess no longer manifests itself in their relationship, because this has caused their relationship to become an on-again off-again type of dysfunctional relationship when he becomes too smothering. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I want to thank you for posting so much life changing information that seems so common sense, yet is never taught anywhere. I just turned 40 last month, and I live in California. I have been following you now for about 2 months and purchased your book about 2 weeks ago. I am on page 178, and I am enjoying this book. I like how you keep it real and don’t sugarcoat anything. (It wouldn’t serve anyone if I were just sitting here blowing sunshine up your ass.) Keep it coming Coach!
I have a few questions, but I’ll ask one that has been on my mind today. About one year ago, I ran into a book that you mention called, “The 5 Love Languages,” (Phenomenal book… everybody should read it), and I realize that my love language is quality time. I have a girl that I am crazy about, yet her love language is based more on acts of service and gifts. We have an amazing relationship and love hanging out. We’ve been together for about 2 years now, and we recently started this on-and-off trend that is becoming tiring. (If you’re getting worn out by someone you’re dating, you’re doing something wrong. It’s like you’re swimming upstream, instead of going with the flow. You’re trying to do too much. Had you have done everything properly at this point in the relationship, your girlfriend would be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Look at my article and video, “Why Women Prefer To Chase Men.”) We talked about what our love languages were, and she said that now she understands why I appear to be so needy. (You are needy, because you don’t feel certain. Applying the principles in my book will build your confidence.) After she told me that, I realize the many mistakes that I have been making with past girlfriends as I often smother them due to this. (You literally chase them right out of your life. The very act of chasing is a demonstration to this other person that you’re not worthy. You don’t give them the time and space to choose you of their own free will.)
Coach, I wish I wasn’t like this, or that I didn’t care about “quality time” so much. How do I modify or change this, while not appearing needy, and still be myself? (As a man, you don’t need to win anyone over. As a man, you are awesome. Just go about your life, and eventually you will meet a girl that sees your value. Don’t force things and project your fantasy of “the one” onto somebody.) I want to make the necessary adjustments that I need to make while I am with my girl and on this “on-the-job-training,” since we are still together, and I really want to keep her. (Read the book 10-15 times so you know the principles. You’re either doing it or making excuses. Back off and let her come to you.)
I look forward to hearing what you have to say Coach, and by the way, I have purchased your book for 4 of my friends already. (That’s awesome. I appreciate the referrals.) I wish I would have learned this in my early 20’s, but better late than never.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Many people consciously and unconsciously let their loneliness and desire for companionship interfere with their ability to act natural and balanced when they are dating or in a relationship. This often causes them to become controlling, needy, clingy and smothering. This will then cause the person who they are romantically involved with to back away, because they feel like they are losing their freedom, and often themselves. People who don’t know any better then think that they have to do something to cause or force the other person to want to spend more time with them. This will predictability and permanently lead to the end of their love affair. In all relationships, you must give the other person the time and space to reciprocate interest, make a mutual effort and the freedom to choose.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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