Why getting rejected is much healthier, builds your confidence and puts you in a peaceful and relaxed state, versus shrinking from fear by not asking out someone you have romantic interest in, asking for a job you want, asking a customer for their business, etc.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman at his new gym who he became pretty sure had romantic interest in him. The first day he met her, and she showed him around the gym while doing his gym orientation, she asked him a lot of personal questions. When they made eye contact, her pupils dilated as if she was getting lost in his eyes. However, instead of asking her out, he chickened out and walked away. He was angry with himself the rest of the day for bitching out. The next time he saw her, the same thing happened… nothing! The third time he was talking to her, he discovered that she had an on-again off-again boyfriend of eight years when he asked her what she had planned for the weekend. He himself has an on-again off-again girlfriend of four years, but that is ending for good. He asks why this happened and why she seemed interested when she has a boyfriend. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I joined a new gym about a month ago. They require an evaluation when you become a member. I pushed it off for 3 weeks and finally went. I met this 23-year old girl named Jessica. She’s a trainer and yoga instructor there. She did my evaluation and seemed extremely interested in me, asking me all types of personal questions about my school, major, why I was upset with my younger brother, etc. (Why are you telling her you’re upset with your brother? If it isn’t positive, and it won’t make you look more attractive, why mention it?) I thought nothing of it at first. Then again, I am a 21-year-old male who is blind to what women do. After this, I believe I am wiser. She was explaining the results from the machine I had to stand on, and I looked up and saw that her pupils were dilated, (when a girl’s pupils dilate, that’s usually a sign of interest.), and she was smiling at me the whole time. Cupid shot me. We talked and held a conversation for quite awhile. For whatever reason, I couldn’t find it in me to ask for her number. I kicked myself in the ass the whole weekend because I didn’t. (You bitched out and chickened out. You were afraid of being rejection. If you just ask the girl out, she’s either going to say yes, no or give you some other answer, but you would still have peace of mind for asking.) Monday, we saw each other and no words were exchanged. (You were still torturing yourself over this girl.) I saw her and another woman who is a trainer there conversing and somewhat looking at me. I felt uncomfortable, but continued with my workout. As I was lifting, her and the woman were walking side-by-side and walked to this closed office door. As she was walking, she saw a guy she knew and did some karate move – I think to get my attention. No one answered this closed door. I went to the water fountain and the desk is close to it. My back was turned and she yells loud, “How’s everything going Bob?” She walked in front of me and held a conversation. There was no eye contact this time, and then she asked how my weekend was. Maybe she wanted me to follow her. Dumbfounded, I went back to lifting. (Think about all the mental energy wasted on this girl because you didn’t pull the trigger in the beginning. Which pain is worse, the pain of instant rejection or pain you’ve been carrying around with you for a week?)
Tuesday, I went to her yoga class. I entered and she smiled and laid out a mat in front of her when I was in the far corner. She told me I could put it anywhere I wanted, so I just kept it there. Again, she initiated conversation. Thursday, I went to yoga, and the male trainer was taking attendance for the class for whatever reason. He said, “Bob, how do you spell your name?” I asked him, “First or last?” He replied, “Last.” She was right outside of the room and came back in and spelled out my four letter last name out loud. I didn’t have to say a word. The same day, I initiated conversation, asked how her day was and what she had planned for the weekend, and she finally mentioned the boyfriend and how they were going to a theme park nearby. (You could have gotten this shit out of the way the first time you met her. You could have let her know you’d love to take her out if things don’t work out with her boyfriend.) I was, and am still, crushed. (That week or two you were obsessing over her, your attraction level was growing.)
I really like this girl, but I hear she has been in a relationship for 8 years on and off. I have been on and off with someone for 4 years, but that is at its end. My close friends and family were happy for me, but confused when I got the response that I did from her. Coach Corey, can you help me with what you think she is doing and what I should do? (It sounds like she likes you, but she has a boyfriend. What you should be doing is talking to other women in the gym and asking out other women. Keep circulating. Sometimes you can’t have who you want.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most women enjoy respectful romantic interest from men in general, even when they are married or in a relationship. Everyone loves to feel wanted, desired and like they’ve “still got it.” Women who are taken and loyal will be honest and upfront, thank a man for his flattering interest, but politely turn him down when he asks them for a date. Women who are taken, unhappy and not loyal may mislead a man, encourage inappropriate interest, string him along as a backup or male orbiter, or even cheat on her lover when a new man expresses interest. Women who are taken, unhappy but loyal may display interest while mentioning their boyfriend or husband, or give out or take contact info in case they decide to end things for good with their lover. A woman’s integrity level will determine how far she will take things with another man when she is already in a relationship, but unhappy. For men, it’s always best to invite taken women to get in touch if their relationship does not work out, and refuse to be involved with them in any way as long as they are taken.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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