What you should and should not do when it comes to attracting or re-attracting lovers who continually test your strength, and seem to constantly try to come up with new and creative ways to get you to comply with being in the friends zone.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whom I have previously coached during a phone session on what he should and should not be doing to get himself out of friends zone, and back into the lover category with his ex girlfriend. All of life is a negotiation, and at times he has not been a very good negotiator when it comes to standing up for himself and what he wants. His ex girlfriend is continuously coming up with new and creative ways to try and get him to comply with being in the friends-zone.
He is a very successful, high achieving man who is used to doing things to get what he wants. Unfortunately, he has taken his hard-charging and aggressive business skills and tried to use them to get what he wants in his personal life. This has caused him to be impatient, too compliant, too concerned about where he stands with women and has led him to over pursue and try to force things to get his way. He gives an update on some of the relationship negotiations that have been ongoing with an ex girlfriend whom he is trying to re-attract. I critique his approach and continue to guide him on what to do to fine tune his interactions with her in order to get what he wants.
First off, I think you are a genius. Everything you said so far is right and has happened! As we discussed on the Skype session, Jessica reached out to me after dumping me at Christmas, and we had dinner together on Friday the 16th.
As mentioned, she was married for 30 years and has been separated for about 19 months, but has dated other guys before me, including one before she left her husband. (She’s a cheater. If she cheats on him when she’s not happy, she will do the same with you.) She said she wanted us to carry on seeing each other, but at a “snail’s pace.” (She isn’t ready to be locked down to a commitment.) She told me I could date other women, but later in the evening she told me she didn’t really want me to do that. She also said she wasn’t convinced that I could go slowly as she knows how aggressive I am in business and how I always want things now. (She already knows you’re impatient, and that comes off as needy and desperate.) She even said she was really proud of me for my achievements.
I kept things playful and we had a great time. We were at the restaurant for four hours, and for the last couple of hours or so, she was holding my hand, had taken her shoes off, and was rubbing her feet up and down my legs. She told me she missed me, asked me if I felt the same, and asked if I had looked at some photos we took when we were dating. She said that she missed my hands on her, and she had discussed me with her mother and told her she missed being with me and all the conversations we had. She also mentioned that her daughter was upset she was seeing me again, and told her that she was giving me “false hope.” She scolded me for deleting her from Facebook, and told me it was my fault we hadn’t seen each other since she dumped me, as I had refused to stay friends. (You stood up for yourself and what you wanted. That’s part of being a great negotiator.) I repeated that I didn’t want that, and I couldn’t pretend to be her friend when I wanted to kiss, hold and have sex with her. (That’s the proper response. That’s a great position of negotiation. You are communicating your terms and if she can’t accept those terms, you can’t do business.) She replied that these things all start from friendship, and I replied that we had gone beyond that. (Women are relentless. She is still trying to sell you on being in the friends zone.)
When we left, I jokingly suggested we go back to my place, but she joked that she knew what I wanted and said, “not now.” I kissed her outside the restaurant, with tongues, and said, “call me.” She said, “I will.” I heard nothing after that. On Tuesday, I made the mistake of sending her an e-mail, which was about a job I had heard about, and just said, “I thought she might be interested.” (You were looking for an excuse to contact her. You are not being congruent with your words. You said one thing, and your actions are the complete opposite. You are still chasing and pursuing, and this will make her not trust your masculine core.) She replied very enthusiastically, told me all about what a good day she had had, and sent me pictures of a press conference she was responsible for. You said at the Skype session that this would put me back a week, and you were right!
I heard nothing again from her until Sunday night, when I got a text at 10:00 pm which said, “Hi Bob. How are you doing? I’ve been off the radar for a while. I got a nasty flu, which floored me, courtesy of my work! Hope your family’s well. Take care.” I replied at 11:00 pm, I know, I should have waited for the next day, “Hi sweetheart. Sorry to hear you haven’t been well! Been really, really busy. Busiest month we’ve ever had! Give me a call when you want to meet up.” (You should not have dropped what you were doing to reply to this woman.) I received no reply, but then at midnight, I got a Facebook friend request from her, which I accepted the next day, yesterday. Then, at about 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon, she sent me an e-mail with an article about the ten best voted hotels in the world which said, “Hi Sweetie. I thought you would be interested in these winners. Great to hear that your business is booming, onwards and upwards. Have a fun, productive week.” I replied, “Hi Sweetheart. They all look amazing! Have a great week too!” I thought it would be overkill to mention getting together again as I had done that the night before. Since then, I’ve heard nothing — no mention of getting together. (Like I say in the article, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you will ask on two separate consecutive occasions, when she reaches out to you first, to make a date. Never bring it up again after that. Read my book 10-15 times so that you know the fundamentals.)
As somebody said on your videos “Help me Obi Wan!!” Should I show patience, or am I wasting my time? Is she testing me to see if I can go slowly? Is she building up to something? (You’re still in pursuit mode. You’re too nice and too accommodating to this woman. Who’s negotiating that what they have to offer is more valuable? She is.) Have I been unwittingly manipulated into the friend zone? (You did it to yourself.) What do you think is happening here? (You fumbled the football because you don’t know the fundamentals. You are still pursuing.) I really need your guidance. If I have been friend zoned, then I want to cut her off and move on. I don’t want to be kept on a leash as an option, but if not and she is testing me, then I should stay the course I guess. (This tells me you are waiting around and constantly obsessing over where you stand with her.) In the meantime, I am making dates with other women, which in all honesty, I feel uncomfortable doing as I don’t want to hurt anyone. (It’s none of her business who you date.) Jessica is really special to me, and if there is a chance, I want it to work with her – or am I being an old fool? (You’re not being a great negotiator. You don’t value yourself, you don’t value your time, you’re acting desperate, and still pursuing. That’s why you’re getting jerked around. You’ve got to apply the principles of what I teach so you can tighten up your game.)
All the best,
My response to him:
Other than sending the email, which is more chasing behavior, and as I predicted, it set you back a week and pushed her away, you handled yourself fairly well. I can tell from the tone of your email that you are still being extremely impatient. You are also seeking her approval and constantly worried about where you stand with her instead of living your life and focusing on your purpose and mission. You must let her come to you at her own pace. She’s asked you on numerous occasions to stop trying to force things, I have told you to stop trying to force things, and yet you are still trying to force things. The only way she can feel her emotions and develop feelings for you is if you respect her wishes and give her the time and space to feel them.
You should be dating other women instead of waiting for her to come back. If you had other women in your life, you would not be acting so needy and desperate. You should not feel guilty about dating other women because you are not fucking your ex girlfriend anymore, and you’re not even dating her. You’re just an option to her at this point, not a priority. It’s none of her business who you date any more than it’s any of your business who she dates. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. Wait for her to reach out, and then invite her to your place to make dinner together. Do not go to her or pick her up. She must come to your place for at least the first three dates. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. Once again, you should be following what I teach in this article and video: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“All of life is a negotiation. When it comes to getting what you really want in life, and getting the terms that are most important to you, you absolutely must be willing to walk away and never look back when you are offered terms or circumstances that are not to your liking. Fear of loss and not getting what you want, and letting those fears hijack you emotionally, are the greatest obstacles that get in the way and prevent most people from getting what they really want and deserve in life. Just like Sun Tzu said twenty-five hundred years ago, “Every battle is won before it is fought.” Before you enter into any professional and personal negotiation, you must decide ahead of time what you are and are not willing to accept.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne