Why you won’t know a woman’s true character until you go through a rough patch in your relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his girlfriend for more than 3 years. After a year of dating, they moved in together. He got hyper focused on his mission and purpose and stopped dating and courting her properly and making her feel heard and understood. She complained about it often, he would promise to change, but nothing would change.
In the past several months, she started sexting other men, including a married guy, and basically acting like she was single again by inviting romantic attention from other men. He’s started to recover, get back to the way he was in the beginning of their relationship and do better, which she likes, but she’s distant, confused and still talking to other men. He wants to turn things around, but also doesn’t want to sleep with one eye open, because he can no longer trust her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s obviously getting into my work. I believe he’s been through 3% Man. At least he’s talking like he’s starting to understand some of the concepts that I teach. But part of his problem is, he’s attracting her back, she likes the changes he’s making in his life, but she still, in essence, has decided to unilaterally live like she’s single. For the past six months or so, she’s been inviting romantic attention from other men. And even though they’re starting to rekindle things, she’s telling them she’s confused.
Now, it seems like he’s probably flipped, and he’s pursuing her a little too much. But at the end of the day, she’s still inviting attention from other men and still talking to other guys from work. So, you’re living with your girlfriend, and you’ve been together for three years. Granted, she’s been complaining and telling him he needed to fix things, and he never would until he was losing her to another guy, and now he’s trying to re-attract her.
But, like I said, now his trust is violated, because he’s like, “How can I trust this girl? We’re supposed to be in a relationship. We’re living together. And because she’s unhappy, instead of either just leaving, or working on our relationship, or trying to get through or communicate in a different way, she decides to start acting like she’s single again, inviting attention from other men.” It’s obvious what she’s doing. She’s trying to monkey branch and find a new guy while she keeps this guy thinking that she may or may not stick around, keeps him in limbo. And then, if she finds somebody that really sends her emotions into the stratosphere, she’ll just dip out on him and then go with the new guy. And so, this is a pretty common thing. This happens a lot in long term relationships, unfortunately.
So, as we go through this, put yourself in this guy’s shoes. If this was your live-in girlfriend of 2+ years, and you find out she’s sexting with other guys, and may have hooked up with them – he doesn’t really know, because more than likely, she’s probably lying about it – would you want to stay with her? Would you want to give this woman the benefit of the doubt? Because the other thing is, she mentioned months ago, she was talking about family, marriage, having kids together, the whole nine yards. And here she is months later, in essence, cheating on her boyfriend who she, at least a few months ago, felt like she wanted to marry him and live happily ever after.
So, when you go through a rough patch, like the title says, this when you find out, what’s the character of the woman that you’re with? Because no matter how good you are or you understand this stuff, or how much of a man you are, how much you’re in your masculine, at some point, you’re going to slip up. You’re going to get caught up in work, or maybe something’s going on with your kids, or you’ve got an elderly family member that you’re trying to take care of. That’s just life. It’s going to bring you stressors that are going to interfere with your ability to be the best boyfriend or the best husband that you can be in your relationship.
And so, when that happens, how does your girl react? Is she patient? Is she doing it for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health? Or, as soon as she’s not happy and her attraction has dropped, is she looking for the exits and inviting attention from other men, even though she’s in a relationship with you? You have to have the data, you have to understand how women operate, and then you’ve got to bottom line her actions. Even if he did attract her back, is this somebody that he can ever trust again? Would he even want to trust her?
So, let’s go through his email, and again, let’s try to look through this guy’s and eyes and see what he sees, and what he hears, and what he feels. Walk in his shoes, so to speak.
I’ve been dating this girl for more than 3 years now. We moved in together after about a year. A few months after we’ve moved in, I got obsessed with my aspirations, spending a lot of time in front of the computer to establish the future I want for myself and my future family.
So, obviously he wants to be with a woman that’s going to be loyal and faithful to him, especially if he’s going to invest his time, and his money, and his resources, and having kids. And you want to know that the girl you’re with has got your back. If you go through a rough patch, she’s not going to be trying to line up some other guy to sleep with because she’s not happy or you’ve been neglecting her for a few months. That’s what you really want.
Because maybe she goes through a period of time where she’s got a lot of health problems or whatever, and she’s not the best person to be in a relationship with. Most guys would typically stick with a girl, but in this particular case, character is destiny. And when you go through a rough patch, this is when you’re going to see the true character – what’s she really like when things are not looking good. There was a quote that Oprah said many years ago, “Everybody wants to ride in your limo when you’re doing well, you’re successful. But when the limo is broken down and in the shop, a true friend will take the bus with you.”
That’s what you’ll find out. When you go through difficult times, and I wrote about this in “Mastering Yourself,” you find out who’s really on your team, who really cares about you, who really wants to be there, no matter how well or how poorly you’re doing. They just love you for you. And what you realize is that when you’re doing well, and you’re making lots of money, and you’re living the high life, there’s always lots of people around that tell you how great you are and want to be around you. But as soon as things go sideways, and you’re not doing well anymore, most people act like they don’t know you. “Oh, I’m busy, I can’t make it.” And then when you do well again, they’re like, “Oh, I always knew you’d make it. I always knew you’d figure it out. I always knew that you’d come back from that.” It’s like, whatever.
I made a mistake by not courting and dating her properly, and I also neglected my social life in order to achieve my goals.
In other words, he stopped being the interesting, well-rounded, complete person he was when they started dating and she fell in love with him.
We are both great communicators, and she started complaining about the things I mentioned above. She wanted me to have a more balanced life and take care of her, and I was dumb enough not to listen to her.
Well, quite frankly, most guys don’t. They’ll say things like, “Well, I didn’t think she was serious. I thought it was just a little rough patch. I didn’t think she really meant that.”
We had multiple conversations about this in the past year or so, and I told her I’d change this, but my process was slow.
In other words, he didn’t see an emotionally compelling reason why he really needed to change. He just told her what she wanted to hear and he continued doing what he was doing because he felt that was the best way to achieve his goals and his objectives. But pain is life’s change agent. It’s life’s way of showing you that what you’re doing is not the best way to go about it.
She even cried and begged me multiple times to change because she doesn’t want to lose me.
“She doesn’t want to lose you.” So, in other words, she’s losing her attraction for you, and she’s basically hinting that, “Hey, if you don’t turn this around, you’re going to lose me.” Not that she wants to lose you. She doesn’t want to lose who you were. But it’s pretty obvious, at this moment in time he’s talking about in this email, that he wasn’t being the guy that she fell in love with. It’s kind of like the bait and switch. You got sold one bill of goods when you came in the door, an a couple of years later, you realize that what you thought you were buying wasn’t actually what you were buying. So, she’s got a little buyer’s remorse.
While I was gradually getting better at spending less time working and more with her, a month ago she came back from a holiday and she started crying, telling me that she talked to a guy in an inappropriate manner, (they were sexting).
I mean, she got drunk, whatever. Again, you see a woman’s true character. If they’re not really happy, if they’re not really feeling it for the guy they’re with, and they don’t really have much character, they go on a trip, they have one too many drinks. They’re not happy in their relationship, or they’re going through a rough patch. And they basically send out the signals to other guys when they’re on the trip that they’re open to being seduced, they invite the attention from other guys. Then, “Oops! I drank too much, and he ended up inside me. Oops! Sorry, baby.”
A woman who has character and morals would say, “I’m not happy with my boyfriend or my husband right now. I’m really mad at him, but I’m going to go home, go back to my room and sleep it off.” A woman with character and integrity, that’s what she’s going to do. If she’s not happy, if she’s given the guy ultimatums, and he doesn’t change, she’ll break it off and then move on with her life. A woman who belongs to the streets is just going to start looking to line up the next guy while she’s with you. And the loyalty, the commitment, the fact that you live together, or that you’re married, or that you had kids together, you’ve got a big house, you built a business together, a life, 20 years, 30 years together, it doesn’t matter. A woman with no character, she’ll just get her needs met elsewhere.
I reacted badly, told her that I don’t want her anymore, and she cried and tried to comfort me in every way possible.
Well, I mean, she basically came to you and admitted that she was cheating on you and she wasn’t loyal to you. And the number one most important thing to us guys in a relationship, if we’re going to be in a relationship, is we want loyalty. We want to know that the girl has got our back. She’s our biggest cheerleader and fan. And instead, she’s, in essence, stabbing you in the back. She’s letting you think that she’s loyal and faithful to you, even though we know she’s unhappy. But at the end of the day, when she’s out in public and you’re not around, and in this case, she’s on a trip, she lets some other guy know that she’s potentially available for a little sex.
I told her that I will try to forgive her.
Well, love cannot exist where there is no trust. And when you go through a rough patch, and your girl starts flirting with and sexting another man, and giving her sexual and romantic attention to somebody else, Elvis has kind of left the building. You don’t want a girl that’ll just cheat on you as soon as she’s unhappy. Because you’re going to slip up. The longer you’re together, you’re going to slip up. It happens to me, it happens to everybody. Everybody does it. Nobody’s perfect.
I was stupid enough to focus on being hurt and blaming her instead of fixing the problem.
Well, you should have fixed the problem, but you also definitely should have blamed her, because she was disloyal. It’s nice that she told you about it, but at the end of the day, she still showed you that she’s really not that loyal.
We eventually got back to a somewhat good place together, but after some time, she said that she is losing motivation, and two weeks ago she told me that she is completely drained.
So, it doesn’t sound like he really changed very much. She’s been losing attraction, probably because he continued to not date and court properly and continued to not make her feel heard and understood. He did it momentarily, when he found out she’s sexting another guy, but after a few weeks go by, he probably just reverted. He figured, “Well, that blew over. I’ll just go right back to what I was doing.” I mean, at some point, every woman is going to have a breaking point. But women that have character, they’re not going to going to stay in a relationship and do this. Women that don’t give a shit, when they’re unhappy, they’ll just invite attention from other guys and feel no remorse.
She went completely cold and distant, while I noticed that she started talking to a coworker a lot, (he is married).
Oh, that’s lovely. So, now she’s getting involved and potentially screwing up some other guy’s relationship, because she’s selfish, and focused on herself, and immature.
I didn’t think I had to worry about him much, until I saw that they were texting all day for the past 2-3 weeks.
So, she’s doing this in front of you. Does that sound like a woman that’s loyal? This is the second guy she’s doing this with? She says she wants you to change and fix things. You have been making some effort, and to reward you for that effort, what’s she doing? She’s sexting a married guy from work. Character’s destiny. As Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”
From one day to another, she shut down to me emotionally and went cold and distant. I was stupid enough to let her be on her own, since she told me she needs some space.
Well, when a woman says she needs space, you got to give it to her. If you chase her and you try to smother her, you’ll just chase her away and piss her off more. But at this point, it’s obvious her attraction is really low.
She later complained that she wished I’d done something.
In other words, “you should have been calling me out of my inappropriate ratchet behavior.” You should’ve just said, “You’re talking to a married guy all day, every day. What are you trying to do, break up his marriage and our relationship? I’m not going to stay with you. I’m not going to give you another chance. I’m not going to want to try to fix things if you’re basically acting like you’re single. And now, you’re trying to screw up some other guy’s marriage and relationship. It’s like, what are you thinking? Where are your morals, woman?”
It’s like, “We live together and you’re hitting on some other woman’s husband. Is that supposed to make me want to stay in a relationship with you? Is that supposed to make me want to try to work things out? How do you think that’s going to make me feel? Is that going to make me feel like you can be loyal and that you’re somebody I would want to have as the mother of my children? Do you think that’s the kind of character I want my kids taught? Is your head totally up your fucking ass?” I mean, this is the kind of conversation I’d be having, blunt and brutally honest.
So, that’s what she means, she wishes you’d done something. In other words, she wishes you’d have been a man and stood up for yourself and called her out on it. It’s not just the lack of dating and courting her properly and communicating. It’s that you’re also acting like a beta male, and you’re acting like a doormat. Her behavior is totally inappropriate, and you didn’t call her out on it. You just kind of let it slide.
I was just trying to be mature and give her what she asked for.
Yeah, but when she does something inappropriate like that, you’ve got to let her know, “We’re living together, and yet this is the second guy in a matter of I don’t know how many weeks that you’re trying to get romantically involved with. You say you want to work on our relationship, yet you’re communicating to other men that you’re single and ready to mingle. So, if I bottom line your actions, you don’t really give a damn about our relationship. Why should I care? Why should I even want to try? Why shouldn’t I just tell you to pack your shit and go? Go move in with the married guy and his wife. See how that works out for you.”
She said that she’s not sure what she wants anymore.
Again, when a woman says that, the guy is acting like a beta male, he’s acting like a doormat, he’s acting weak. And she’s already lost respect and attraction, because he wasn’t dating and courting her properly, and he didn’t make her feel heard and understood. And on top of that, he’s acting like a bitch. So, if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch.
In the meantime, this guy was there for her, and she complained about me a lot, and as you say, when women feel heard and understood, the legs open. That’s why I think that something happened between them.
She was hot and cold with me for more than a week, and after trying to open her up a few times, I somehow managed. I told her that I regret this a lot and that I will not let this happen ever again. Since I’m almost convinced that something happened, I told her that I want her to be open with me, and whatever happened, I’d forgive her, and we can put it behind us.
So, you’re already saying, “Hey, it’s okay if you cheated on me. I just want to know about it.” What do you think that communicates to her? You’re a chump. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. And if she cheats on you once and you take her back, she will do it again. People don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of who they are. In other words, a woman like this becomes better at hiding it.
She said that she felt hurt that I only take action when I’m about to lose her, which I completely understand, but she said nothing happened between them.
Then I would also remind her, “Hey, I’m not the one sexting other people and giving a bunch of women the idea that I’m single and I want to fuck them, which is obviously what you’re doing with these other men. We’re supposedly in a relationship, and you’re giving me a hard time about things I’ve screwed up, but yet you’re cheating on me. Hello, do you not see a problem with this?”
After realizing how stupid I was, I felt hurt enough and decided to turn my life around, and now I’m working out, going out with friends, and I took her out on a date. We had sex, and she said she felt relieved after.
Multiple orgasms usually help a lot.
She even told me she loves me, but she’s not sure yet if I’m the right person for her.
Well, if it was me in this guy’s shoes, I would know for a fact this ain’t the woman for me. She can be my fuck buddy. She can be a friends with benefits. She can be a sex playmate, but she ain’t ever going to be a wife or girlfriend ever again. I’m not going to give exclusivity to a woman who behaves this way. And she’s got the attitude, “Oh, I don’t know, I may run off with this married guy. I may run off with somebody else, I may stay with you.” Really? Are you going to to put up with that?
Now she seems okay with me, but her interest level must be in the 50-60%. She said that she will see how she feels about me in a couple weeks.
“Oh, thanks, Your Highness. Hopefully you’ll choose me.”
But I don’t want to be in a backup position.
Well, congratulations. You’re just one of the guys that it appears that she’s fucking.
She still keeps talking to this coworker, (since according to her, nothing happened).
Oh, so she hasn’t cut that off. So you’re supposed to do all the work to fix yourself and what you’re doing on your end. But on her end, it’s totally okay to continue to be a disloyal whore. Sure, okay. It’s like ,you can’t be a one way J.
She comes from a very healthy family…
I doubt that.
…adores her dad, and for the past 3 years, she was extremely affectionate, caring, loving and I trusted her blindly. She said she wants to marry me and have kids together.
Well, obviously, she said that in the past. She ain’t saying that right now. So, whenever it was that she said that, that only applied in that moment, it doesn’t apply today. The way she’s acting today is she’s dating and fucking other men and thinks you’re enough of a sucker to put up with it.
But now I feel like I broke her.
No, you went through a rough patch, you got sloppy, but what really happened is you went through a rough patch, and she showed you what her true character is. And her true character is she’s not loyal. Simple as that. If you look at her actions, I mean, she’s continuing to not be loyal. It’s not like she’s making an effort to fix your relationship. She’s like, “Yeah, maybe I’ll give you a chance. Maybe I’ll get back together with you. But I want to see how things work out with this married guy,” and whoever else she happens to be talking to.
I would kick this chick to the curb, dude, because she’s continuing to rub it in your face. And that’s part of the reason why she said, “I wish you would have done something.” You should have told her when when you first found out. It’s like, “These guys have got to go. You’ve got to get them out of your life.” But yet she’s still texting them in front of you? She’s got to go.
I know that she doesn’t trust my masculine core…
Well, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.
…but she admitted that she can tell I’m changing, and she likes it.
I’m aware of how stupid I was before. I don’t want to sleep with one eye open.
Well, if you stay with her, you will be. And if you stay with her, you’re enabling your behavior. You’re communicating that she can get away with this. And the only thing that really has the potential to change how she’s showing up is if she loses guys like you. But unfortunately, there’s so many thirsty, weak ass dudes out there that as soon as you dip out, there’ll be another thirsty guy that’s happy to put up with the lying and cheating, until he recognizes that he ain’t going to change, and eventually he leaves. Or maybe he sticks around while she continually cheats on him. That happens too.
And I want to turn this around…
Well, it takes two people. It takes two to tango, as they say, and she’s not interested in tangoing. She’s interested in following whoever makes her feel the most hot for them. In other words, whoever she’s most attracted to and turns her on emotionally the most is where she’s going to spend her time. And it doesn’t fucking matter that she lives with you, or that she’s committed to you, or she supposedly is your “girlfriend.” Your “girlfriend” is acting like she’s open to any and all offers. You’re dating the town bicycle.
You’ve committed to her and obviously stayed loyal to her, but it’s pretty obvious, if we look at her actions, that she’s not loyal to you in the least. And judging where things are today in this email, it doesn’t look like she has any intention of continuing or going back to being loyal to you. It looks like she’s trying to see where it goes with this married guy and somebody else. So, if it was me, I’d say, “You need to pack your stuff and get the hell out of my house, because I don’t trust you. It’s obvious you think you’re single, you act like you’re single. You’re inviting attention from other men. You’re screwing around with a married guy.”
I don’t know what happened in her family growing up, but that ain’t no happy family if this is how her parents have taught her to behave. Because she’s got no integrity. Maybe her dad’s a pushover as well, and she walks all over him. That’s not a healthy relationship. A lot of guys think “she loves her dad,” but if her dad’s a chump and a pushover and an emasculated eunuch, because the wife dominates his ass, that’s not a healthy archetype for her to be raised in.
… and want her to be affectionate again. Please help.
Thank you for your work, and I’m sorry for the long email.
Well, if I were you, I’d start dating other girls. Because your girlfriend is dating other men, and probably sleeping with other men. So if she’s behaving single, you should behave single. She should be the one convincing you to try to be loyal to her again, when in reality, you just need to see it as it is; she’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. She ain’t going to be loyal to you. She isn’t going be loyal to any of these guys either. So, treat her accordingly. Treat her like the friends of benefit.
Just say, “We can be friends with benefits, we can be sex playmates. By the way, you need to move out of my house. And we can see each other from time to time, but I’m never going to marry you, and I’m never going to be your boyfriend again. But we can have some fun until I find a woman who actually values loyalty and monogamy and exclusivity, because you do not. You are a lying, cheating hoe, therefore, I’m going to treat you as such. That’s the way it is. Sorry, honey. You can’t act this way and expect to keep your man.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur