The importance of building a relationship based upon openness, communication, trust, honesty, etc., instead of one based upon inauthenticity, lies, self-deception, and ignoring reality.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who knocked up his friends-with-benefits. The problem is, he’s not really sure if it’s his baby since his friends-with-benefits was sleeping with other men. He writes in asking me my opinion on his plan. He says that he plans to put his career on hold, and move in with her to have the babies together, even though he has no desire to have a relationship with her.
His plan is to break up with her after the babies have been born, and then continue on with moving to where he wants to live and going after the career that he really wants to have. He wants to be able to tell his future children one day, that his baby-mother and him were together while she was pregnant, but that they split up after the children were born, thinking this is somehow better for the children to commit a relationship lie and be with a woman who was really just his fuck buddy, and ignoring the fact, he was not her only fuck buddy.
My friend with benefits of two months turned into a friend with babies! I’m not into the girl, and don’t want a relationship, I just wanted to have fun. She is pregnant with twins and wants to keep them! I wrote you on this topic about 4 weeks ago, and since then that other guy fell off the radar. You told me to have a test, and I will. I think she realized that her starting to date someone else, while pregnant with my babies, would be a really bad way to start bringing our families closer together.
I’ve learned to never trust another girl enough not to wear a condom, unless I’m ready to have kids with her. I’ve also learned to leave untrustworthy people alone. Regardless of how boring my life might be without anyone, it simply keeps getting worse with them in it. Her and I have agreed to stay together throughout the pregnancy, but I’ve made myself clear, in as loving of a way as possible, that I won’t be getting married, or staying together for the children. So for now, I’m thinking it’s best to set everything up for the kids, and be there for her emotionally while she’s going through this, and at least my kids will have the security of knowing we split up AFTER the pregnancy, not before. (You will be getting yourself into a fraudulent relationship and giving this woman false hope.)
Here is my long term plan, and I’d like you to tell me if you think its reasonable of me to think that this will work, eventually everyone would be happy, and to not feel like I was a piece of shit dad or whatever. I want to move to a larger city in another state, about two and a half hours from here. I want to find a better job with better benefits. I want to make a better social life for myself. I want to have more choice with women, and date more than one at a time. I want to eventually purchase a home, make that place my permanent residence, and If I decide to move from there, I would like to rent it. I want to buy a nice car that’s good on gas, so I can travel back and forth on the two and a half hour drive to see my children safely and efficiently. I want a kind, peaceful, respectful relationship with the mother of my children. (You’re not going to work that hard at making her happy or yourself happy when the reality is you are creating a lie that somehow this will be better for the kids one day.) I want my parents and her parents to embrace our unique situation, and help us make the best of it. (You are looking to seek the approval of your parents, but making yourself miserable and giving her false hope of a relationship is not doing the right thing. Do you really want to bring your children into the world based on a relationship lie?) I want our children to grow up in a peaceful, loving, nurtured but free, and realistic environment. (Forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do is contrary to what you say you want to create. No amount of making yourself unhappy is going to be good for your children.) I would like to eventually meet a woman that blows me away, who’s deserving of my trust, and see where it goes. (Your kids deserve to have a dad who’s happy, who’s in love with the woman of his dreams, and who does something he loves for a living because then the kids can emulate that example. Right now you are on the verge of creating a dysfunctional example.) I would also like it if the mother of my children could meet someone who’s understanding of our situation, and who would look after the children with a loving and understanding attitude. (She can’t meet the right guy for her if you are there living a lie.) I’m thinking I’ll be able to make the two and a half hour drive home about once a month. I could stay at my parents’ house and have the kids for a day and a half or two days, then go back to my life. Maybe once the kids get a little older, they can come down and stay a few weeks at a time with me.
I just hope this isn’t all too much to ask, because it’s really the best that I can think of. (The only way you will put in the effort and be the best dad and provider you can be is if you follow your heart, your curiosity, your intuition, and your passion.) She knew I never wanted a relationship, and that I had plans to move in the spring, long before the pregnancy. Not to say that she should terminate it because of that, but just to show that I’m not running from anything. (It doesn’t mean you are running away by moving away. It just means you are doing what makes you happy because that is going to provide the best example for your children, you create the space to attract the right lover for you, and it creates the space for the mother to meet the right guy.) I’ve simply got a plan for my life, and I’m not letting her plans derail mine. However, I would like to accommodate the children, and be there for them as much as I possibly can. How do you see this working out for me? I’m almost 100% positive these kids are mine, and I feel a lot more comfortable with the situation knowing what I’m shooting for is something that’s doable, and emotionally fair to the children as well. (You should discuss the paternity with a doctor as soon as possible.) Also, I’m a little frightened that staying with her for the next 7 months might make it harder to leave her once the babies are born. I just don’t want her having sex with another man, as that would be disrespectful. (If you really want her to be happy, let her do what makes her happy. You being around will give her false hope.) I know that’s a fear based decision, but she’s weak like that, and I wouldn’t put it past her in the long run to sleep with someone else, especially while she’s going through the emotions of being pregnant, and the father not being around. It’s hard for me to weigh out that last part. (Focus on making yourself happy and take care of the kids as best as you can. Find a job in a new city, and make as much money as you can. You need to be a good provider for her, so she can create a great life and lifestyle for your children.)
My response to his email:
You asked for my honest opinion so I’m going to give it to you. You’re out of your fucking mind to consider living a relationship lie for the next 6 months when you don’t even know if the kids are yours because she was sleeping with other guys besides you. It will be a lot harder to leave in 7 months, after you have kids together, than if you move now to do what makes you happy. It’s going to be more painful for both of you to wait until the kids are born and then split up. Saying that you want to stay with her so no other guy sleeps with her until your kids are born, because she’s like that, is ridiculous. You need to pursue your dreams and what makes you happy. It serves no one for you to live a relationship lie for 7 months with someone who you really don’t want to be with, and to put your dreams and goals on hold. It’s honorable that you want to be there for her, and you should, but not by giving her false hope that you want to have a relationship. Commute back and forth, and go to doctors appointments and Lamaze classes with her, but you need to follow your own path immediately. Get a paternity test asap. If the kids aren’t yours, then wish her all the best, and tell her you hope she finds who the real father is. The worst mistake you can make is to sacrifice your happiness and bring your potential new children into the world through a relationship that’s a lie.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“A healthy relationship is built upon openness, communication, trust, honesty, etc. Relationships built upon inauthenticity, lies, self-deception, and ignoring reality are not going to be very happy, fulfilling, or long lasting. Before you decide to enter into a long-term relationship, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself and see the relationship and its potential for what it really is. Just like you won’t really apply yourself and work hard at a job that you’re not really into, you won’t make the effort and do the work necessary to make a relationship grow and prosper when you’re not really into the person who you are in a relationship with. When you have a passion for someone or something, it’s easy to apply 100% of your focus, interest, and passion to make it great. If your relationships are based upon intense love, respect, communication, appreciation, and admiration for each other, you’ll give yourself the best possible chance for success long-term.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne