Why it’s not a good idea to hold back contact, texting, affection, sex, etc., in dating, what it means when you are dating someone who does this and what you should do about it.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is a successful high school principal. She has been following my work for the past year to help her meet men she is compatible with. Recently, she started dating a man who is older and not that attractive physically, but his confidence and how he handles himself make him more attractive in her eyes. They’ve had five dates so far, but now he has backed off and is only seeing her once per week. She is pissed off about this and wonders what she should do since she says she would have been sleeping with him by now if he had not done this. Why? She is convinced that he is following my work also. The reality is that she is holding back, not acting natural and purposefully not texting or calling him in-between dates, even though she wants to, because she is trying to manipulate him into acting the way she wants.
She also is spoon-feeding her fifteen-year-old son parts of my book that deal with confidence and communication, but keeps everything else from him. It’s obvious she is controlling and manipulative with men to the point she is screwing things up unknowingly with her new guy who is treating her the way he should be. This is also handicapping her son’s ability to be successful in his dating life at an age that he could really use the knowledge in my book, instead of failing and having awkward experiences unnecessarily. She is robbing herself, her son and her potential new man of great memories and experiences that will last a lifetime.
Last year, I went in search of some self-help materials to help me start meeting men with whom I feel compatible, and then I stumbled across your website. I’ve downloaded your book, have read it several times and even routinely share pieces of it with my 15-year old son. (Give him a copy of the book already!) I’m not trying to get my 15-year old laid, so I filter those parts out and focus on the confidence and communication pieces of your message. (You don’t want him to fail and get rejected!) I also follow your YouTube channel and Facebook posts.
I am a high school principal, so I am forced into walking around with a lot of masculine energy in my job, but as soon as the bell rings, I shed that persona. The thing I want most now in my life is a man who understands that when I come home from work, I don’t want to spank anybody’s ass, figuratively and literally; I don’t want to make decisions about what to do on a date, and I don’t want to have to lead a relationship. I want to be a girl; I want to be led by a competent man that I trust with my femininity and feel free to be a woman in every sense of the word. (That’s perfect, as you should be.) However, being in the female top-3 percent myself, I’ve been frustrated at the lack of men I meet and respect enough, or feel safe enough, to go totally into that feminine essence.
Recently, when a man from an OLD site sent me an email suggesting a day, time and location to take me out for drinks in his very first introductory email, I was very impressed. (It definitely sounds like he may have read my book.) In over ten years of dating, it was a first for me. (It sounds like you’ve met a guy who’s exactly who you want.) From his photos, I would have placed his physical attractiveness in the range of 6 or 7. However, because he was confident and came with a plan, my initial attraction level was pretty high, even before the first date. (So even though he was a 6 or a 7, now he’s more attractive in her eyes because of these other characteristics that he’s displaying.) Now five dates later, I’m 99.9 percent sure he has read your book and is following your strategies. (Great! So you know what to expect.) After seeing several commonalities in your book and his behavior, I initially reasoned it was because he is a high ranking military officer, so I tested him a couple times, and his responses are scripted straight from your book. HA! I love it. I am genuinely feeling a level 9 attraction, and happy to let him take the lead, even though I know his playbook. I am careful about showing him all your signals during our dates. (Now you’re holding back and not acting natural. If you act too structured, a guy will back off.) I can tell he is very physically and intellectually attracted to me, but here is the rub… I personally feel that my initiating text messages, and initiating phone calls to him during that dead-zone of communication after our dates would be like pursuing him and putting me in a masculine role — at least this early on in the relationship. (Feminine energy is all about bonding and connecting. By holding back, you are acting like a man at this point, and it’s ruining the sexual polarity.) I am so committed to NOT having to lead a relationship, that I just don’t feel comfortable chasing after him. (You don’t have to chase him. Just reach out and let him know you enjoyed the date. Don’t hold back.) I don’t want to come across as being dominant at all. (You don’t have to call and set up the next date.)
I haven’t done anything obnoxious or stupid like getting drunk during dinner or sending nude photos. I’m giving him the right signals during our dates with plenty of playful banter and sexy innuendo. We are having fun, I’m not bat-shit crazy and I’m toward the top of the chart in intelligence and physical beauty for our 45-yr old age bracket anyway. However, he has lately taken a noticeable step back, and we are now back to talking and seeing each other once a week, from three times a week, for the past two weeks, and I’m fairly certain it is because I don’t call him in between dates. (It sounds like you’re turning him off. You aren’t reciprocating, and you’re acting like a robot. He’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing.) Before this, I was ready to put away my little black book, and was looking forward to his initiating sex, but now I’m frankly getting pissed off that I am being strategically ignored, and that he is not showing interest, when I know the reality is that he is actually very interested. (You’re doing this to yourself because you’re purposely holding back.) If this were a work relationship, I would have already called him out on the bullshit and just told him what I want and also asked him what is on his mind. (How about you just make a little effort to acknowledge him.)
If he would just keep doing the things he was doing in the first three weeks, we’d be having sex by now, we’d both be celebrating the emotional and mental intimacy as well, and we’d both be happy. But now, I’m clearly unhappy — almost to the point of opening up the black book again and taking my own steps backwards with this particular man who actually has a lot of potential for me. (A simple text to let him know you’re thinking about him would be nice. Dating Is Like Tennis. You have to return the ball over the next.) I am starting to see it as a form of weakness on his part that he is worried that my lack of initiating contact is a sign that he is losing ground with me. (No, he thinks you’re either structured or not interested.) In fact, the only ground he has lost is because he has stopped moving forward. (This is happening because you are holding back sex and affection.)
Do you have any suggestions for how to turn this back in the right direction, without going in pursuit of him, which is what I consider to be the masculine role? (Send him a text to let him know you’re thinking about him. Also, give your son a copy of my book!)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The love that you withhold is the pain that you carry. Love is about giving. Love is not conditional. Love is not about horse-trading; I will give you this if you do that for me, etc. Love is not attached to any outcome. When your heart is open and you give freely without attachments, you will attract both takers and givers. When you give to a giver, the giver will give back; you should keep giving to them and keep them in your life. When you give to a taker, the taker just takes and gives very little in return; delete the takers from your life permanently. Loving yourself does not mean you give without reciprocation. It just means that you will only continually give to people who give back.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne