How to make sure you are getting your needs, wants and desires met in your relationship, and what you should do if your lover does not honor their promises or commitments to you, or they are very inconsistent in treating you the way you want to be treated, even after you have lovingly communicated what you want and expect from them on several occasions.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whom I have been coaching for about a year now. In his latest email he talks about how he is still struggling with an unpleasant divorce, it’s financial repercussions and his uncooperative ex-wife to be, who seems to take pleasure in stonewalling it’s progress and his attempts to move on with his life and focus on his relationship with his new girlfriend. His sexual relationship with his girlfriend is now back on track, but she still is not following through consistently on her commitments and promises to him. With all of the stress he has from his very successful business, his ongoing divorce battles and balancing his relationships with his children, his girlfriend is now being difficult and uncooperative. He asks my opinion on balancing several things: asking for what he wants, being too beta male and how sometimes he gets so frustrated with his girlfriend, that he blows up at her when she does not do what she promises.
Here are the links to the nine other video coaching newsletters where I have answered previous emails of his, so you can see his progress and the challenges that he has overcome to date:
“Time To Put Your Big Boy Pants On”
“Healing Our Inner Child”
“Living & Speaking Your Truth”
“Women Love Me For Who I Am”
“Effortless Sex, Dating, Love & Relationships”
“Why We Settle”
“Our True Nature As Spiritual Beings”
“We’re A Good Match!”
“My Girlfriend Lost Interest In Sex”
It’s me again! First, some feedback to your last email regarding standing up for myself when it comes to sex. After your email, I contacted Jessica, my new girlfriend, immediately and told her I do not want to have a platonic relationship, do whatever you want, but figure it out. She was pissed off, quite grouchy and felt “pressured.” This continued for the next 2-3 days, but as we had our next weekend together, she first allowed me to touch her hot spots again, and soon after that, we started to have sex like nothing had happened. (He stood up for what he wanted, because she wasn’t making an effort to be intimate in the relationship. She was grouchy, but he stood his ground, and now she’s making him feel loved again.) I backed off more and only reached out for “technical“ reasons, changes and details regarding a date. Up to now, sex has gone back to normal. She is sweet, and we have had absolutely awesome dates. Cool!
However, what I have problems with is a growing anger in me. My ex-wife is acting totally selfish, only seeing her side, and she is really crossing the line, or I notice much more now than I have in the past, that she is doing it. (He wants a divorce, but she is stonewalling him every step of the way.) She definitely takes for granted she is living in my house, and still gets a lot of money from me. We are entering some mediation, but I have even considered taking the legal route. This is really a paradigm shift for me. I have stopped acting compliant, I get more and more angry, and want to stand up for myself much more. My daughter and my son are fine with me. (He stood his ground with his daughter, and now she is respectful and they have a good relationship.)
So here, sometimes Jessica, my new girlfriend, gets in the way. I want to avoid, at all costs, being taken for granted again. We had an awesome time last weekend, where she was super sweet. She wanted me to come over yesterday again, a middle-of-the-week date. It was not easy to hold the date for me, as I had a lot going on work-wise and with my son. (You should only be making dates with her if you can swing it. You should only spend time with your girlfriend when you can give her 100% of your attention and presence.) She was tired, it was the first day of her period, and quite indifferent emotionally. She cooked for me and we had a nice chat. I had a very difficult day, but as you suggested, I kept this mostly away from her. (When you’re full of fear and worried about the future, share that with your guy friends or it will have a negative effect on your relationship and her attraction for you.) But then later in the evening, she was losing herself totally in her Facebook account. It was okay for me first, but then, in what is really unusual for me, I suddenly got pissed off and said, I do not like that when we have one of our rare dates during the week. She basically said that she needs some time to retreat when she has had a hard day, even if we have a date. If this does not work for me, maybe we better not have dates inside the week, and that I was overreacting and should have said something earlier, which is true I think. (It sounds like you were not 100% present with her and she could sense that and went onto Facebook.) We talked this out, and it was okay then, but in the morning, I had the same feeling as she “forgot“ to make my coffee, which is a ritual we do for each other always. (If someone blows you off, it means you are not a priority to them.) I said, which is again quite unusual for me, that she puts her high standards on me all the time, which is fine, but I hold the same high standards for her. I said, please do not get lazy in the relationship and take me for granted. Again, she thought I overreacted and was too unsure of myself. We again talked this out and started our days in peace.
My question is, how do I figure out when I have to stand up for myself, when should I just shut my mouth, and when am I just acting needy? (The purpose of all relationships is, you go there to give, but she is not making you a priority in her life.) It feels like she sometimes crosses an invisible line, and then I have a hard time taking really measured steps. I tend to either do nothing, or explode too easily. (The moment you see flaky behavior, you have to call her out on it right away.) I think it all has to do with changing my approach and generally standing up much more for myself, but sometimes I really surprise myself by how harshly I react. I definitely could be more centered. On the other side, she is not the best communicator, as you have already said, and it is sometimes difficult to get her to understand. (It is hard for a therapist to be in a relationship with someone who is not a good communicator.) Sometimes she seems to sense beta male behavior, where I really think I am just making my point. I hope you can sort some of this stuff out. (It’s obvious at this point that she has some intimacy issues. You are at a crossroads here. If she doesn’t want to address her communication issues through therapy, you might want to go back to having a casual and open relationship.)
My response to Him:
One thing you have to keep in mind is that now that you’re getting steady NSA adjustments, you oftentimes will catch yourself reacting harshly or angrily to certain situations. Why? Because you feel your emotions much more intensely due to NSA, your inner world and your outer world are now starting to match, and you simply will not tolerate being taken for granted. You’re starting to live your life from your heart. Anything that is not aligned with your heart’s desire is going to ever increasingly feel emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically unpleasant and painful. What you have to remember about anger is that there is always fear behind it. Usually fear that you won’t get what you want, etc. It’s healthy to express your anger and your emotions as long as you do not project them onto someone else. It’s always better to contemplate on what is behind your emotions and feelings, and then respond to the other person only after some careful introspection, instead of allowing yourself to become hijacked by your emotions and react emotionally without thinking. It’s good that you are immediately speaking up for yourself and holding her accountable to not making your coffee instead of letting it just lie like most people do. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. You’re there to meet each other’s needs and to help each other grow and become more. However, this also involves you making sure your needs get met as well by standing up for yourself and lovingly communicating what you want and holding your partner accountable to the commitments they have made to you. By immediately addressing the situation where your girlfriend is not honoring her promises she has made to you, you prevent things from building up to the point that you blow up at her. There is a reason why a water heater has a pressure relief valve. It prevents the water tank from becoming too highly pressurized to the point that it explodes and ruptures. You should think of lovingly communicating as being much like the pressure relief valve on a water heater. The most important thing to understand the difference between beta male behavior and standing up for yourself, is that you are doing it from a place of inner strength and desire, and not coming from a place of fear of loss or not getting what you want. No matter how hot and sexy you find your girlfriend, there are always going to be times in your relationship where you are going to find her boring and unattractive, even if the day before you felt in your heart that she was the sexiest woman alive. Women won’t make you happy, but they will contribute to your happiness. That’s why I stress the importance that every man and woman needs to be happy with, and love themselves before they ever consider getting into a relationship. If you look towards another person or set of life circumstances to be the source of your happiness, eventually at some point, you’re going to realize, what you get from that person or those circumstances are not actually making you happy, because you are not happy yourself.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“All of our relationships should contribute to our success, balance, inner peace, happiness and fulfillment. The best relationships honor and encourage our authentic selves, our dreams and are generally a source of ease and delight. When we have relationships with people who are not aligned with our true nature, disconnected from their own hearts, who don’t share the same goals and values, or we have them with wounded people who can’t give or love consistently in a healthy way, they bring more drama and frustration into our lives than harmony and joy. If it’s not easy and effortless, you’re either doing it wrong or doing it with the wrong people.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne