Relationships: Giving Vs. Getting Your Needs Met

How to find the right balance in relationships between giving and getting your needs met.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email success story from a twenty-two year old viewer who has read my 1^st book, How To Be A 3% Man ten times and my 2^nd book, Mastering Yourself, once. He’s been dating his twenty-four year old girlfriend for about eight months. They became exclusive in May.

He says she is cold and emotionally distant but is working to get better. However, they only see each other 1-2 times per week. He wants to see her more and is not satisfied with the quality time he gets. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

If you’re familiar with what’s in 3% Man, you know if you follow the progression in the book, with most women, assuming they are normal, happy, healthy women, will be in love with you by about week seven. She asked him to be exclusive after six months, so one of two things is going on there. Either she’s a little messed up, or on some level he’s still communicating that he’s way more into her than she is into him, he’s trying a little too hard and she can sense that and feel that.

In other words, he’s becoming perturbed and it’s coming through in their communication. The other thing to consider is he’s twenty-two years old. He’s young. But he’s having great success, obviously, with what he learned in my book.

There’s a lot to be said about having patience. And being a fifty-one year old dude, that’s the one thing that across the board, in every area of your life, whether it’s your career, maybe you’re waiting for a promotion to come. Maybe you’re hoping to land a big client that will change your business for the better. Maybe you’re hoping your stocks take off, or your house to sell, or to get a job if you’re looking for a job. Or to find a girlfriend or find a girl to lose your virginity with. Whatever it happens to be, human beings naturally want everything now, but the reality is all great things take time.

If you’re getting impatient, impatience never commands success. Because when you become impatient and perturbed, you become uncentered and you typically make mistakes. Especially when it comes to a woman, if you’re perturbed, you don’t make her feel safe and comfortable because you’re like an erupting volcano.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,

I hope you are well and are having a great day as always. I am 22, pursuing my master’s degree in business, started my own business on the side and am very passionate about personal development. I wanted to share a success story and also have a follow-up question and would appreciate your take on the situation. I have read 3% Man 10 times and Mastering Yourself 1 time.

You can read them both for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter.

Your work and all you do is highly appreciated. Thank you for doing what you do and showing up consistently, in spite all that’s happening – no drama allowed!

Back in December 2020, I met my now-girlfriend (24) and started dating her. She is smart, beautiful and reliable. However, she seemed rather emotionally cold and distant. She told me she had some bad experiences with dating other guys in the past and has never had any long-term dating partner or relationship before.

Typically, a woman who’s twenty-four, she’s hot, she’s attractive, usually by that age has had two or three boyfriends since high school. Maybe she’s got high standards, maybe she comes from a good family, or maybe she’s a little screwed up. The reality is all of us are screwed up to a certain degree. Whatever happens in childhood, we often spend at least ten to twenty years of adulthood trying to overcome the trauma of our childhood and the scars that it leaves on us.

That is why she said she is struggling to open herself emotionally, make herself vulnerable and letting feelings grow and develop.

Right there is the strategy, because she likes you and she told you what you need to do to love and support her. Dude, you’re twenty-two years old. What is the rush? The reality is, no matter how much you love somebody, the infatuation, the honeymoon period, is going to wear off and eventually you’re going to get bored of each other. So why be in a rush?

Women have to feel safe and comfortable. That means you have to provide the environment. You’re the rock, you’re the mountain. You’re the unperturbable, immovable mountain. You’re not perturbed by what the changes are in the weather or how she shows up. You’re just always there with open arms, ready to hang out, have fun and hook up.

By giving her the time and space away from me to wonder what I was doing and to miss me, she slowly started opening up and pursuing, exactly as you teach in your book.

So far, so good.

We were seeing each other once or twice per week and I let her come to me at her own pace by letting her reach out to me, (she did 90% of the contact initiation).

Well, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” if she’ll do 100% of it, or 99% of it, you should let her do that. Especially a woman like this, because if you pursue too much, she’s not going to feel safe and comfortable. She’s going to feel like she’s being smothered. Remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free” — especially so if you’re with a woman like this.

If you’re upset that you’re not spending enough time together, whether you realize it or not, you’re going to communicate that in your demeanor, the tone of your voice, your physiology. She’s going to feel that, because women are very intuitive. They’re very connected to their emotions, unlike most of us guys.

After a couple of months, she told me that I am very different from all other guys she met before and that I make her feel free and safe and comfortable.

That’s the important thing.

We always have a great time together, have lots of fun going out and she is very submissive, ready to do everything I want, complimenting me and touching me all the time. As she slowly opened up more and became more vulnerable, she told me she wants us to be together in May, and we have been together since. I’d rate her attraction level a 9.

I’d say it’s maybe an eight, high seven. It’s always better to underrate it, because if you look at the attraction table in my book, the chapter “It’s All In The Numbers” from “3% Man,” there are things that she is not doing. In other words, she’s still inhibited. She’s still not completely open and pursuing and all over you like white on rice.

And at the end of the day, you’re writing me an email not happy about how much time you’re spending together, so obviously, it bothers you. And if it’s bothering you, you’ve obviously had conversations with her about it, because she gave you an answer. She basically said, “Slow down. Let me come to you.”

One of my girlfriends that I wrote about in my book, we were talking and she looked at me and said, “Corey, you have to let me come to you. Don’t try to force things.” Because I was trying to force things. I wanted to spend more time together, and I was perturbed. I was bothered that we weren’t, and she could feel it. She didn’t like it and it didn’t make her feel safe and comfortable. She didn’t like me getting perturbed or bothered by the fact we weren’t spending enough time together. Between her and her mother, this kind of clicked.

There’s a very fine balance there. And I would say more than likely, because you’re twenty-two, whether you realize it or not, you’re still pursuing too much, trying too hard. But again, you’ve got to keep in mind that it seems from what she said, she might be a little messed up, but she’s working on it.

Since we have become exclusive, we also did the 5 love languages test and both our primary one is spending quality time. However, what is bothering me is that she is still reaching out only 4-5 days after our dates and not texting/calling me once or twice a day, as you say in your book when she is in love.

A lot of the older guys would be like, “What’s the problem with that?” Again, dude, you’re twenty-two. You shouldn’t be bothered by this. And the fact that you’re bothered by this is part of the vibe that you’re giving off, and she can pick up on it.

So, we only see each other 1-2 days a week which is not meeting my needs in a relationship. I am wondering whether I should communicate my needs to her directly…

Think about it from this perspective. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. You want to spend more time together. She’s reaching out and pursuing you as much as she’s emotionally ready to do. And if you try to force her to spend more time with you, what do you think is going to happen? She’s actually going to back off and feel smothered. She’s even told you to let her come to you.

And also as a compliment to you, she feels free and safe. At the end of the day, it’s really about how she feels about you, because that’s what’s going to influence her behavior. And you also mentioned that you’re doing 10% of the pursuing. If you want her to pursue you more, I would slowly back off and get that down to where you’re only pursuing 5%. And then maybe a few weeks from now, you let her do 99-100% of the pursuing.

That could be the subtle difference that’s the difference. Maybe that 10% pursuing that you’re doing, maybe it’s higher. Maybe you’re doing 20% of the pursuing instead of the 10% you think you are. I see that a lot with guys. If you overpursue, she’s going to back away, especially a woman that already potentially has some wounds from previous boyfriends or her family.

If a woman will do 100% of the pursuing, let her. She will love you more and be more attracted to you. And if she starts to complain about it, then I would reach out once a week. Maybe you send her a note, maybe you text her randomly. Just some little thing that communicates you’re thinking about her. But if she doesn’t, let her do 100% of it.

…or work on becoming more unperturbable, continuing to let her come to me.

Yes, you must work on becoming more unperturbable and continue to let women come to you at their own pace, especially a woman like this. She’s already told you she likes you. She’s helping you. But you’ve also got to keep in mind the fact that you guys dated for six months before she asked you to become exclusive. So, even though you’ve read “3% Man” ten times, if I just look at her actions and your actions, I can tell, more than likely, you were still probably pursuing too much.

Because typically, as long as you’re dealing with a happy, healthy, normal woman, they’ll be in love by week seven and asking you to become exclusive around that same time. So, more than likely, you’re not realizing it yet, but you’re still communicating you’re bothered and you’re perturbed.

After all, I want her to be and feel free and love her for what she is. Am I becoming impatient, too perturbable and need to exercise more emotional self-control, as she has trouble letting me more in her life because she hates becoming dependent on someone?

Yes, you should. You’re obviously bothered by this. You wrote an email to me about it. You want to spend more time with your girl, but if you read my book ten times, you’d know what happens.

My girlfriend that I wrote about in the book, the one that I had that conversation with, “let me come to you,” I had a hell of a time. It took me a year and a half, bouncing back and forth. I’d pursue too much, she’d lose interest, she’d back off. Then I would stop pursuing, she would come back, start pursuing me hard for a month or two. And then, I was too much of a cold fish, and she would get upset and start backing off. Then I would start pursuing more, and I would pursue too much.

So, it’s finding that sweet spot. And it was really about how I felt inside. Once I felt good inside and I felt peaceful and relaxed, and I didn’t feel afraid of losing her anymore, I did everything right and it was effortless. And it’s been effortless. It’s a great place to be as a man, because when you’re not worried about your woman, you really can focus on your focus and mission in life and be really successful. But if you’re always in the back of your mind worried about what your woman is doing or not doing, that wreaks havoc on your professional life.

Or should I communicate my needs to her in a loving way?

Well, that’s your problem, your “need.” Your need is neediness. You need more strokes. Go spend time with your friends. Go hang out with your parents, your family or people that love you. Be more focused on building your business. You’ve got to learn to be calm, relaxed and slow it down.

I’d love your thoughts on this.

Thanks for your guidance,  

Bob

The big takeaway for you is, you say she’s doing 90%, over the next several weeks I’d back off until she’s doing 95%. And if you can get away with it, let her do 100% of the pursuing, and then it becomes her idea. Maybe you don’t see each other for a week and a half or two weeks, or whatever it happens to be. You have to be okay with not seeing her as much as you want to.

The fact that you’re bothered by that is more than likely, as long as she’s not a fruit loop, what’s causing her to still be at a distance. Because again, it took six months before she brought up being exclusive. What I get from you in the tone of your email and what you shared that you’re doing, and most importantly how she’s responding to you, I can tell what’s really going on. And whether you realize it or not, you’re still pursuing a little too much.

It might not be the calling or the texting, but when you’re together, you’re communicating your irritation with the fact that you want to see her more. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re bothered by that. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, if you’re communicating too much interest, this is what’s going to happen.

If you’re communicating less interest, in other words, you’re not bothered. The reality is, if you’ve been with somebody six months, a year, two years, and you’re a busy professional, unless you’re living together, you get into a rhythm where you’re only hanging out one or two days a week. Or you’re only hanging out on the weekends, and the rest of the week you’re slaying the dragons.

I’m sure there’s some guys watching this going, “What’s this dude complaining about? One or times a week, and I get to focus on all of the other things I want to do. This is great!” Because if you’re living under the same roof together, you’re always going to be together. And the reality is, no matter who it is, you’re going to get bored. No matter how hot the girl is, there’s some dude somewhere that’s tired of fucking her.

If you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my help with it, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Relationships are about giving, helping each other grow and become more and meeting each other’s needs. Love is freedom. Love is allowing. If you try to force love or others to do what you want or spend more time with you than they are willing to, they will bounce because they feel like they are losing their freedom. No matter how infatuated, in love or in lust you are with someone, eventually that will wear off. If both people are happy, whole, complete and content with themselves, the relationship will continue to be stable and fulfilling. If one or both people are not, imbalances will arise leading to problems and hurt feelings. Get to a place where you are happy being alone before trying to get to a happy place with someone else. Otherwise, you run the risk of making each other miserable.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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