The importance of knowing what you want from a relationship and setting healthy boundaries with lovers to ensure that they respect you, communicate in a loving and healthy manner and only bring joy and happiness into your life, instead of drama and conflict.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is dating multiple women. Recently, his favorite out of all of the women he is dating, asked him if he was dating anyone else. He answered truthfully that he was. He eventually would like to settle down and start a family. However, this woman already has two kids and does not want any more, but she said maybe in five years she would have some more children for him. Her “maybe” is unacceptable to him. Therefore, he does not want to become exclusive with her because he just got divorced last year after a long term marriage, and wants to date around and see what’s out there so the next time he settles down, he makes the right choice for him.
She got very upset with him and gave him an ultimatum. She demanded that he become exclusive with her, or she did not want to continue seeing him. He was unwilling to be exclusive with her and she became very nasty, rude, disrespectful and unloving. He told her he did not appreciate the way she was talking to him, but she continued being hostile anyway. He then left the conversation and told her to get in contact with him when she calmed down and was ready to communicate in a loving manner again. He asks my opinion on what he did and said and how he handled the situation.
Hi Coach Corey,
There is a special lady, and we have an amazing connection. We’ve been dating about once per week, or every other week, since October. Sex is amazing, conversation is amazing, and connection is amazing. She wants to be exclusive, but I am not ready. My divorce was finalized in June of 2014, and I’ve read your book 3 times and practiced. I’m dating multiple women, but she is my favorite. I feel I need to date more because I want to see more of what is out there, mostly to know what I like, and what I don’t like. (You need to trust your heart, intuition, feelings and what your life path is.)
She was pushy about a relationship this morning, and even apologized for being pushy about it. Anyway, we had an amazing time last night, she stayed the night and over breakfast she started asking me if I was dating anyone else. I was playful and we bantered for a bit, but she kept asking, so I said yes. She said she couldn’t “stomach” me dating anyone else if she knew about it, and basically gave me an ultimatum. (She’s trying to lock you down to a commitment.) I didn’t budge. It’s not because she is not special. It’s because I am not ready to get into something exclusive with her now, and I told her this.
What we didn’t discuss this morning, but have discussed in the past, is that she has two kids and doesn’t really want more. She said she would for me in five years. I’m not going to let myself get too involved with someone who doesn’t want what I want, and I’m not waiting five years for a “maybe.” (It’s a possibility she could change her mind. Her goals are not aligned with your goals.) Our minds and bodies are aligned, but not spirits because we want different things. Should I text her that or discuss that with her? (She already knows how you feel, so you don’t need to text her. Stay clear that you want children, and you won’t even entertain being exclusive with her until that issue is on the table.)
She texted me the following after she left:
Text 1: “I am pretty sure you and I both understand where we stand at this point. I can’t see myself seeing you again without having feelings of illness. In the case that you ever foresaw me as a person that was essential to bringing you joy in your life, you wouldn’t have kept any focus on anyone else.” (She’s just hurt because you didn’t give her what she wanted. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.)
Text 2: “The only thing I ask is that you please mail me my black tourmaline. I don’t intend to give anything to anyone anymore who will not be a part of my life.”
Text 3: “It’s always a big red flag when a man wants you to open up and be vulnerable, and how dare you want that, and be seeing other people. Nothing about a relationship with you is special at all. You probably tell the same shit to that chick Samantha. Just gross. Please mail me my tourmaline if you have manners. I don’t need to give away my special things to a man who failed to make me special.” (Again, these are her expectations not matching the reality of what you have to offer. She’s trying to make you feel bad in hopes you will change your mind. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.)
My texts back:
Text 1: Hi Jessica, I truly enjoy our time together. I do want you to be happy, and know that you are special, and very special to me. I’ve never met someone like you in my life, and probably never will again. You do bring joy to my life. There is more, but too much to text. I think you are amazing and if you change your mind and want to see where this goes, let me know because I would love to see more of you.
Text 2: Of course I will mail your tourmaline back to you.
Text 3: I don’t appreciate you texting me that I say the same things to other women. (Now he’s drawing his boundaries saying this doesn’t work for him.)
Follow-up email from him:
As a quick follow up, she is getting nasty and saying hurtful things. I texted her that I don’t appreciate her texts. She continued to be nasty, so I texted that I wouldn’t text with her if she would not be nice. She got nice, then nasty again. So I texted her that I am done with the conversation and she can talk to me later when she calms down.
I just want to know your thoughts, and how I handled the situation and how I can improve. (You did fucking awesome. You basically let her know she can’t talk to you this way. This is how you keep your life a drama-free zone. You’re living your truth, speaking your truth, not agreeing to go along with her bullshit, and you left the interaction. When a woman treats you properly, she gets the gift of your time. When she’s an asshole, she gets the gift of missing you. That’s why you shouldn’t call or text her again. She needs to come apologize to you for saying all of those nasty things.)
My Response to him:
I don’t think you need to text her anything else. It’s pretty obvious your goals and values are not aligned. You want kids, but she doesn’t. You want to date and explore the field, but she wants you all to herself, even though she doesn’t want to have kids. You definitely made the right decision by not being willing to go along with her promise of a maybe in five years she’ll have kids just for you. When a woman says maybe, she really means no.
All you do now is, walk away and never look back. Since your goals and values are not aligned, this woman can only ever be a fuck buddy to you, nothing more. She may come back and apologize, and if she does, create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up, like I talk about in my book. However, if you ever hear from her again, you need to be congruent with your own personal truth and not compromise on that just because you’re trying to keep her in your life. Use this article and video as a guide: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Regarding her nastiness and your leaving the conversation, good job. Textbook. You handled it perfectly. Wait to hear from her. Never tolerate abuse from anyone.
“Before you start dating and looking for a relationship, you need to know what you’re looking for, why you’re looking for it and what your standards are of what you’re willing and unwilling to tolerate regarding the behavior of the person who you choose to date or be in relationship with. If you are smart, you will make the choice to make your life a drama-free zone. You will only date and associate with people who are comfortable communicating their thoughts, wants, needs, desires and feelings in an open and loving manner. You will set healthy boundaries and will leave conversations, interactions and relationships where the other person becomes belligerent, hostile, non-communicative, rude, condescending, spiteful, hurtful and especially if they become physically violent. You are the gatekeeper to your life and your happiness. Choose wisely the people who you allow into your kingdom.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne