Why men need to feel like they are successful at making their women happy in relationships, and how feeling like they are unsuccessful at making their women happy will cause them to withdraw and leave the relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who has broken up with her boyfriend twice in the past due to their difficulty communicating, and their most recent breakup was his doing. She has been reading my book and watching several of my videos on communication and getting an ex back. She says they have helped her to better understand things tremendously. She started reaching out to him after two weeks and invited him over to make dinner together. He had a bad toothache, so no sex or kissing happened. He kept trying to bring up heavy subjects, and she kept changing the subject to having fun and making dinner together. He kept sitting on a different couch than her, and she felt he was really distant.
She now wonders what she should do, if she should ask him for another date or wait to hear from him. She also would like for him to read my book and asks my opinion on how to bring it up so he does not get upset or offended, since he is not open to seeking help from outside sources. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
I want to first thank you for all the help you have provided to me with your videos, book and website. I’m a fan! My boyfriend and I are in a very awkward phase. We have had a lot of difficulty communicating, which looking at your post on “How To Communicate With Women Effectively” was completely eye-opening to our circumstances and almost verbatim the issues that we have encountered. (You should share the video with him with the suggestion that it could help him understand where things went wrong in your relationship.) I also read your book, and the “Solving the Mystery” chapter was a huge help. He constantly used to tell me that he feared he could never make me happy when we argued in the past, and I rarely felt like he was actually listening to my concerns. (If things never get resolved, he’ll never feel like he can make you happy. Guys don’t want to stay in a relationship where they constantly feel like they are failing. Eventually, they will withdraw and leave the relationship.) These issues caused us to break up a total of three times — me twice, and him once. The last break up was his doing. We went a good period without communicating, almost two weeks, then I initiated communication between the two of us. Since then, we have been communicating on a fairly regular basis via text, and it has been positive. I have been using your, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and it has been very helpful. I asked for the date, asked him to come to my place for the date, planned for us to cook together and did not remind him of the date, as everything was set. (Whoever the person is that does the dumping has to be the first person to reach out. You should never chase someone who dumped you.)
Our date was the day after his finals and the same day I had three speaking engagements at an industry conference. I know, not great timing. (You want to plan a good time and date for both of you so you can hang out, have fun and hook up.) He offered to pick up everything from the grocery, and I let him, trying to be more feminine. Last night, he came over to my place, and it was an upsettingly awkward situation. When he came in, he sat on a different sofa and he was in an excruciating amount of pain from a wisdom tooth that was supposed to be extracted the next day. (Again, this is something you should know ahead of time and plan around.) We talked about several heavy topics, in spite of my efforts to lighten the mood and make it a “fun” date. We didn’t talk about anything involving the relationship, but he continued to bring up difficult issues that we are both dealing with. (Let him talk about those things. You’ll have to do a better job of talking to him on a level that he can understand using logic and reason, thinking like a man communicates.) Every time I tried to change the subject, he went back to this very heavy conversation. I changed direction, like I do with my child, and redirected us to start cooking and making dinner. This went fine, and it was probably the most he has ever helped me in the kitchen, ever. (That’s a good sign. This is because he’s feeling successful.) We ate dinner, cleaned up, and then went back to sit on the couch in the living room, and he again took a separate couch. (He’s obviously still in a state of withdrawal. If the other person doesn’t want to try, you don’t run after them. Both people have to want to make the effort.) It was beyond upsetting, because I felt like I was dealing with just a good friend and not my lover. I did feel good that he even went through with the date, as he was in a lot of pain from his tooth and a total trooper. Kissing was pretty much out, which I think detoured anything sexual progressing. My question is whether or not I should try again for another date or wait for him to ask me out? (Just wait to hear from him. He was the one who pushed you away.) I am not sure what the next steps are, and I’m confused about his intentions just because of the fact that there was nothing sexual that transpired. In the past, we have always had a time of physical chemistry and never any problems in that department.
Also, I would love for him to read your book, as I feel it would be extremely helpful for us. How do you recommend bringing up that subject? He is not super open to getting outside help about things, but I feel like if he did read the book, it would help our relationship immensely and give him some clarity. (Give him a copy of the book, and let him know it helped you understand what you did wrong and helped you to become a better girlfriend. Tell him you can make it work if you both make the effort. Give him the freedom to come and go. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. Interact with him in a way that makes him feel successful.)
“Men need to feel like they are able to make their women happy in a relationship. When women are happy, men take personal credit for their happiness. When women are unhappy, they feel responsible for their unhappiness. Eventually, if they are unable to communicate and work through their problems, the men will grow tired of feeling like a failure, start withdrawing from the relationship and may leave it altogether. Men and women communicate very differently. Men tend to be problem solving based communicators and use logic and reason. Women tend to be emotionally based communicators and use relational examples to get their point across. Sometimes women just want men to listen, and sometimes they genuinely want their advice. Men should always ask their women, “Do you just want me to listen, or do you want my advice?” when they are unsure. If men try giving advice when their women want them to listen, the women will become upset and complain they are not listening. It’s always better if men ask women what they need, instead of assuming and acting on their assumptions, which are often wrong.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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