Why it is always better to keep your flaws, fears, doubts and insecurities to yourself instead of treating your dates like a priest that you have to confess all of your sins to, or you risk turning them off, lowering their attraction for you and causing them to lose romantic interest in you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who talks about his former girlfriend who he met his first semester in college. He says that she was everything that he was looking for. She did all of the pursuing, he made dates and things were easy and effortless. After three years, he transferred to another college. One night he got blackout drunk and kissed a female friend of his. Afterward, he felt that he needed to be honest and told his girlfriend about it. She immediately broke up with him. They did not see each other or have any contact for about eight months. He became depressed, started failing school, ran out of money and his parents suggested that he move back home and go back to his original college. He eventually ran into, and started seeing, his ex-girlfriend again. He was a little too honest and told her about his depression, counseling, etc., and basically blamed his behavior and breakup on his depression. He treated her like a therapist instead of a lover. She started backing away and dating a much less desirable guy. He’s feeling better, dating again and asks my opinion on what I think about how he handled himself and what he could have done better.
Thanks, first off, for your work. I’ve read your book twice. I know, not ten times yet. It’s good stuff, and I’d like to share with you how I have grown from some experiences and have used what you teach.
I’m just a college guy. My first semester, I met a girl that was everything I ever wanted in someone, beautiful, red-hair, kind nature, naturally very feminine, nurturing, etc., so basically the opposite of me. I’m very much the masculine type in my relationships and in life, and I really realized, after I read your stuff, that the relationships that have gone my way in life have been the ones in which I was basically being the man. That is how this one started off and went for about three years. I was allowing her to do the pursuing, and then I would do the romancing basically. It was great!
What happened to the relationship was simple. I transferred to a new school, was blackout drunk one night, and ended up kissing a girl who I was friends with. I fucked up, but I decided I was going be honest and own up to it, so I told my girlfriend about it. (If you can’t control yourself when you drink, you shouldn’t drink.) She broke up with me afterwards, it was really emotional and painful, and we didn’t really see each other or have any contact for about eight months. (Obviously, she placed a high value on loyalty.)
I ended up going back to my original school for a whole host of reasons. I was suffering from depression, failing, out of money, and my parents advised me to come back home and go to school. It was a good decision overall, since I know how much better I am now than I was a year ago. I started dating again, once I got back to school, went out with a few different girls, and interestingly enough, my ex-girlfriend started taking an interest in me. We ended up starting to chat a bit, and ended up making out in a practice room for a couple hours, as we are both singers. We started seeing each other for a month, taking it slow, and she began to ask me a lot of questions about how different I seemed. (So far so good. Hang out, have fun and hook up, that’s the formula I teach in my book.) I was just honest, told her that I found out I have depression, explained to her about how it’s a chemical imbalance, and how I was going to counseling, etc. (Save this for your therapist. It’s not your girlfriend’s job to help you. You need to be dealing with it like a man with professionals. It’s not a good idea to reveal that shit when you are trying to romance her, especially after cheating on her.) She seemed to, for the first time, understand a lot, and things were really great once again. I know why I fucked up at the other school. It was certainly because I had low self-esteem, was looking for attention, and basically was not being the man she deserved and the man I know myself to be. (In other words, you’re saying it was because of your depression that you did all of this.)
Then, things went south once again. This time, I didn’t do any of it. She was having a lot of issues. Her family and friends were pressuring her to stay away from me and date this other dude, whom she had rebounded with a bit over the summer. (You just gave all of her friends and family ammunition to blow you right out of her life.) She shared a ton of stuff with me about all of this while we were getting back together, and like you teach, I would sit calmly, not pressure her or pursue, but just be there and be the rock for her. Naturally, we began to become very close once again, and then she just one day freaked out and started dating this rebound again a week later. (Things were sailing along until you revealed your flaws to her.) What’s funny to me is, she told me a week before they started dating again that he was trying really hard, pursuing a lot still, and that he was nice, but definitely never going be a thing. (Confessing your problems to her is not going to help your case, especially when there’s another dude in the picture.)
She’s been very confusing, and before, I would have pushed for answers and asked all kinds of needy questions. However, now I’m not, and it feels good to just not do that. The success part is that, although we are not back together, I am feeling much stronger, battling depression, learning and growing a lot, and now I see what I have. Whereas before, I would think down on myself, thinking I wasn’t good enough, etc., and I’ve realized that she is in a relationship with a guy that is incredibly feminine, dresses in flamboyant clothes, is always following her around everywhere, shows up to our concerts and stuff with huge bouquets of flowers for her and even bottles of wine, drives her around everywhere on campus, and is also quite condescending to me when he sees me, calling me ‘buddy’ in a really arrogant way. It’s funny to me, because I’m 5’8 and a cut 165 pounds, I box a lot, and this guy is a bit shorter, quite ugly, and has such a fat belly that I’m not sure how he sees his cock when he pisses. Yet he walks by me, puffs out his chest and says, hey buddy. Real tough guy, I know, but it’s like you teach, what you fear, you attract, and what you look at disappears. I was all afraid that I was failing, losing her to a better man, etc., but when I look at it, I’m in no way any worse off, and now she is trying to get my interest again by dropping hints, making faces at me during class, etc. I’m not going to budge though, because I think she has some growing up to do as well. (Yes, and at the end of the day, she is no longer available because she has a boyfriend.)
I am grateful to you for what you teach, and grateful now that I can look at situations in my life, not become overwhelmed, see them for what they are, and then make good decisions about them moving forward. The way I see it is that if she actually wants me and isn’t just trying to get me back on the leash for her own self-esteem, which I can’t read because she hasn’t actually said anything direct about us, she will get over herself and contact me outside of school stuff or work, in which case I will just casually set up a nice quiet evening at my place with some wine, dinner, and “HEY-OH!” if you know what I’m saying. (Exactly. Hang out, have fun and hook up.) If it never happens, well I fucked up, have learned from it, and am not going make those mistakes again. I recently went out with a cute blonde, and met a couple of other cute girls, so we’ll see what happens. (Good job. That’s what you should be doing, because more than likely there’s a better woman out there.)
I want to thank you once again, and I hope you find this interesting and it brings you some happiness to know that your work is helping to inspire others. If there were anything you think I could do better, I’d love more advice. (The next time around, don’t be talking about your depression with someone who is trying to determine if you are a good catch. That’s your personal business until the other person is head over heels for you.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“We all want and deserve the best for ourselves. When we are single and start dating someone new, we all tend to project our irrational fantasies onto our new love interest and see what we want. The only way we can judge and determine if a new lover is a suitable and healthy match for us is based upon their actions and what they tell us. The reality is, if you just started dating someone and you feel the need to reveal all of your flaws, insecurities, fears, doubts and your history of bad relationships, this is going to turn them off and cause them to lose interest. It is wise to put your best foot forward, be positive and focus on having fun together when you first start dating so they can fall in love with your best qualities. Otherwise, if you feel the need to confess all of your negative baggage and history, you’re going to paint the picture that you are not a very desirable lover. Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect, but focusing on the negative is going to give someone who does not know you the impression that you are a mess, a loser and not a good catch. This will lead to rejection. If it’s not positive, going to make you look good and going to reflect your best side, keep it to yourself.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne