How to ensure romantic chemistry and prevent awkward dates, so you can improve your seduction and dating experiences.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a thirty-four year old viewer who met a woman recently on the dating app Tinder. They had a really good conversation on the phone and agreed to meet in person in her town. When they finally met in person, her interest and enthusiasm seemed to decrease the longer they were on the date.
By the end of the date and when it was time for him to catch the last train home, he didn’t even try to kiss her, because things had become so awkward and there were no signs of interest from her. He texted her a few days later to schedule another date, but she ghosted him. He wants to know where he went wrong so he can do better next time. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’m sure pretty much everybody watching this has had this kind of experience. And especially if you really like somebody and you’re into them, and you have a good conversation on the phone, and then you meet, and then it just goes downhill. And then you still are interested in the person, obviously, that’s not the place you want to be, but it happens. You’re not going to win every heart that you pursue, if you will.
That’s so important to recognize — that you want people that genuinely have enthusiasm for, and most importantly, you want them to have a mutual, genuine enthusiasm. And the reality is, it’s just not going to be there most of the time. You just can’t take it personally.
What I’ve found, you know, being 50 at this point in my life, all of the friends that I’ve had over the course of my life — the ones that are really close friends, and the same thing with the women that I’ve dated — the best ones, there’s chemistry right away. It’s easy to talk to them, they’re easy going, easy to get along with. You don’t run out of things to talk about. If there’s a lull in the conversation, the other person picks it up and makes an actual effort to keep it going.
But when there’s a lack of interest — especially in this case, this guy is obviously more interested in her than she was at him by that point — what’s going to happen is he’s making more effort, and therefore you can feel that. You can feel when you’re on a date or you’re just talking to somebody, it just feels like the conversation is forced and they don’t really open up. They don’t try to keep the conversation going.
You’re looking for enthusiasm. It’s so important to recognize when the enthusiasm is lacking and just move on, because otherwise you waste your time. And then the longer you stay engaged with somebody that’s just not reciprocating it, you actually cause yourself to like them more, which makes it harder down the road to disengage and pull the plug when you recognize it’s just not going to go anywhere.
I’m a 34-year old male, who over the last 3 plus years especially have learned a lot about myself after a tough breakup and getting my ultimate dream job as a combined physical therapist, personal trainer and fitness instructor at the same gym. My confidence was very low for many years, but I’ve noticed the biggest growth coming with my success on this job, which is my true passion.
That is super, super important. You’ve got to have your mission and your purpose in order in life. If you’re not happy, if you’re not enjoying your life, if you’re not having fun by yourself with your group of friends, your family, your peer group, whatever it happens to be, it’s going to be pretty hard to be happy in a relationship, to meet somebody and just have an easy, effortless conversation, because in the back of your mind, you’re always thinking about whatever it is that you’re in turmoil about — whether it’s your job that you’re not happy with, your career, or how much money you’re making, or where you’re living, or what your body looks like, because you’re out of shape, or whatever happens to be.
That’s why I place such a big emphasis in “How To Be A 3% Man” on really developing yourself and getting to a place where you’re really happy. Because the happier you are, the more you’re going to smile, the more outgoing you’re going to be, the more you’re going to engage with strangers, random strangers in public when you meet them. And it’ll be easier to carry on a conversation, because deep down, you’re proud of yourself. You’re proud of what you’ve accomplished. You love your life, you’re really enjoying it, and you’re really having a good time. This makes you very attractive to other people.
But if you’re down in the dumps, and you’re not happy, and you’re not having a good time, it’s pretty hard to fake that. We can all kind of sense it, and feel it and see it. So that’s why, one of my favorite quotes by Jim Rohn is, “I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me.”
And so, obviously what he’s noticing is that now he’s happier. Now that he’s got his dream job, he just feels better. And because of that, he overall is more attractive to other people and it’s easier to carry on conversations, because he really is digging what he’s doing.
You know, if you’re getting up every day, going to a job you hate or going to work in a business with business partners that you can’t stand and you wish you could get get out of it, I know what that feels like. I wrote about that in my second book, “Mastering Yourself.”
Bad relationships really detract from the quality of your life. And it’s not just intimate relationships, it could be your friendships are garbage, or you’ve got family members you’re spending a lot of time around, and they’re just garbage humans. It might might be the friends that you’re hanging out with, and it might be just the job that you’re working. You might like the job, but you don’t like the people that you work with. And sometimes you have to change jobs to find your people, find your tribe, so to speak.
That’s one thing I’ve always done is, I always I get sick of living in a certain area, or a house, or a condo, or wherever it happens to be. I have no problem. I don’t like moving, but it’s fun to move to a new place, new scenery, new restaurants, new places to hang out. You meet new people. I really enjoy that. So, you’ve got to keep circulating until you find where you’re kind of in the groove and you’re really enjoying things.
I was late at getting to know your stuff, meaning I had listened to a lot of garbage from other coaches before discovering you, but your book was the perfect thing for me, as my beta nice guy behavior had resulted in me not being true to my inner feelings and masculine roots and made for quite a troublesome relationship with a very dominant woman a few years ago.
Yeah, acting like a doormat is a bad way to go, a man.
Now, I’ve listened to your e-book 6½ times so far and keeping it going every day. I realistically don’t have all the fundamentals down just yet. On a recent Tinder-date I went on, I was somewhat surprised that the woman, who I felt I had a good connection with on the phone, acted a bit cold on the date and ghosted me afterwards. This was a bummer to me since this 29-year old model looking woman was super hot and had some promising personality traits.
Well, the other thing you’ve got to keep in mind is you met her on Tinder. So, she saw your pictures, and you had a conversation on the phone, and then you met in person. That’s just one of the many things I don’t like about online dating, and I’ve never really enjoyed it.
I kind of keep my finger in the water, so to speak, just to see what’s going on in the dating apps, and definitely one of the things I’ve noticed over the last several years is that I’m seeing a lot of women showing up in these dating apps where you see comments in their profile, and they say things like, “looking for a generous man.” And it’s like some of these dating apps have kind of turned into prostitution, if you will, where it’s like these women are on there acting like, oh, hey, we had a good match. And in reality, what they’re looking for is some dude with some money to pay them a couple of grand a week to come over and have sex with them, and have basically a horse trading type relationship. It’s like, the prostitutes are, it seems to be pretty widespread on some of these dating apps.
So, now you’re you’re having to deal with that. Because you get matches, and just because you have a match doesn’t mean that you’re going to click with them on the phone. And then you talk to them on the phone, like in this guy’s case, he clicked with her on the phone, and then they met in person and then it went downhill from there. That’s why I always prefer, all the best relationships I’ve had in my life, women I wrote about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” these were like love at first sight — where I met them in person, and it was just easy and effortless to talk from the get go.
And the same thing with my closest friends, it was like that. You meet people, and it just flows, it’s just easy. And that’s what you’re looking for. But it’s so rare and it hardly ever comes along. And like I’ve said many times, you get two, maybe three of these kinds of the women that you click with like that in a decade, maybe one or two, depending on your your life path.
You’ve got to do the work on yourself to get ready when that happens, because if you miss out on one of those opportunities, it’s going to be probably several years before it happens again. It just makes it difficult. And then you’re kicking yourself, because it’s like everybody else you meet just doesn’t seem to stimulate those emotions and feelings the same way.
Prior to the date, I had let her do most of the texting and talking. I took my time before answering her texts and didn’t give her much info about myself. I eventually called her to set up a date, which she immediately accepted. She also messaged me through Facebook after my call, writing, “It was surprisingly nice to hear from you.” Prior to that phone call from me, I had given her the silent treatment for a full week. So, I tried to seem busy and be unpredictable.
That’s another thing that you see as well, especially with the dating apps. When you get an attractive woman on there, there’s like literally thousands of guys pining for her attention. And if she has some interest in you and you’re a little overzealous, a little too forward, you’ll just get ghosted, because there’s so many other choices, so many other options that they have on there.
That’s why if she’s excited about you, you just take your time. You just kind of slow roll it a little bit. When I look at when I’ve met women that have approached me online, I have to put a lot less effort in versus women that I’ve met and I made the effort to engage with them. It’s like a night and day difference.
Because if a woman makes her interest in you known, it’s going to be a lot easier to talk to her, versus a woman that you’re approaching online. Maybe you met her on your Instagram app, or Facebook, or through some other kind of social media. When you meet, especially when a woman’s forward and she lets you know, they’re always going to go much easier, because the interest is high. When the interest is high, like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” you can make more mistakes. Whereas, when the interest is low, you make a handful of mistakes and you’re done, you’re cooked. She decides she’s not into you anymore.
My only major mistake before the date, at least to my own knowledge, was probably talking to her on the phone for about 90 minutes, even though she was talking most of the time.
Well, that’s definitely fine, but I wouldn’t have spent 90 minutes. You know, if you met her through a dating app, you shouldn’t even need to talk for 10, 15, 20 minutes. Just invite her out for a drink. If she really likes you, she will do that. If her interest is low, you’re going to get resistance.
I took the train to visit her, which is 3½ hours away from where I live. Fifteen minutes before my arrival she texted me that she had been nervous about meeting me the whole day – to which I responded with a line from a Danish song, which is about accepting that you are who you are. She responded in awe, writing that she had been singing that exact song to herself just 5 minutes earlier!
So it seems like at least at this point, everything is going well.
My response was, “Oh, did I forget to tell you I was a clairvoyant?”
I was talking to a woman I met last week, and just kind of joking around, I said with a straight face, I said, “I’m psychic.” The way I said it, she looked at me, she’s like, “Really?” She really believed it. I was I was like, “I’m fucking with you.” But it’s kind of funny. It’s great when you say things with a straight face that are kind of ridiculous and out there, especially in person, and she can’t tell whether you’re fucking with her or you’re joking around.
It’s like that deadpan kind of humor like the old school comedians used to do. They would say things that were kind of off the cuff and everybody would bust out laughing, because they’re not laughing at their own jokes. You don’t really see too many comedians that are like that these days. Cary Grant was obviously very good at that — that deadpan, straight, serious face kind of humor. He kind of he says something ridiculous, but he says it with a straight face. It’s very effective. You should definitely try it if you haven’t employed it.
She was running 15 minutes late to pick me up from the train, but when we met…
I mean, she had all day to get there, and she was 15 minutes late. Maybe she had traffic.
I asked her to show me around town. She took me to the Harbor and offered me a beer. We talked there, mostly about her, meaning her job and some of her interests for about an hour before I asked her to show me more of the town.
One of the things that tells me, it’s like you kind of just showed up, you took a train there, and it’s almost like you were expecting her to be the leader. If you’re going to go to her town, you should have all that stuff figured out — a place to go have some drinks, go have some dinner. I mean, maybe it’s the middle of the day or maybe it’s at night. You weren’t really clear on that, but the point being is, as a man, if you’re supposed to be the leader, it’s like you have places in mind, especially if you re on a three hour trip and you show up like, hey, entertain me. It shows that you don’t have a plan. That’s not good, that’s not attractive.
As we walked, we went over several topics, mostly about her, but I noticed she slowly seemed more quiet and the topics were short lived.
Probably because she’s recognizing that she’s taken the leadership role.
She kept her distance with me with little eye contact, didn’t touch her hair and didn’t ask me about anything personal at all.
Well, like I said the only two things I’d say, you talked quite long on the phone, but I mean, she still had the enthusiasm, so that was good. But like I said, showing up and not having a plan, that’s not following what I teach. And you admitted you didn’t understand the fundamentals in the book. But, you know, that’s kind of an obvious thing, “Hey, show me your town. Show me some more of your town.” It’s like you’re making her the leader. You’re making her the man. And it seems like just from your email, that’s around the time that the enthusiasm starts dropping off.
The energy and enthusiasm she had talked with on the phone was not the same anymore, so I started to wonder if I had done anything to turn her off. Honestly, I was a bit nervous the first 5 or 10 minutes of the date where my voice was somewhat low, and the conversation felt a bit awkward.
It could have been possible that she didn’t like the way you looked in person. That’s totally possible as well. Maybe you said something. But obviously, having a 5-10 minute awkward conversation first is not the end of the world if it picks back up and it gets better.
Is it possible that this was all it took to bring her interest to a stall that couldn’t be recovered? Or do you think she wasn’t interested in the first place and just liked my attention as a “gay male girlfriend?”
Well, if you look at her actions, it seems like she was excited. But then when you showed up, you showed up without a plan. Then you asked her to lead you around. It’s like, you kind of made her the leader. And then obviously, the awkward conversation, you can see, it just drops off really quick.
After our walk, she seemed unsure if we should eat dinner at a restaurant or at her place.
So again, that just shows a lack of leadership on your part. It’s like, you’re asking her to make a choice. You should just say, “Hey, let’s go grab some dinner over here,” or, “Hey, I read about this great restaurant online. Why don’t we go eat there?” But instead, you’re like, “Well, should we go back to your place and eat dinner or eat here?”
The idea is hang out, have fun and hook up. And so, you’re in the hanging out and having fun part right now. There’s no physical contact. Now you’re like, “Hey, let’s just go back to your house potentially.” And again, it sounds like you’re deferring to her to be the leader, which is extremely unattractive.
I said I trusted her cooking skills and basically invited myself to her home. After dinner there, I informed her that my last train home would leave soon and she responded, “Oh well, I didn’t expect you to stay here overnight either.” “I didn’t either,” I responded. Since I didn’t notice any indicators of interest all day from her, I didn’t go for the goodbye kiss at the station when my train home arrived.
Again, if you’re having dinner at her place, you should be interacting and participating and looking for any kind of physical contact. But like you said, there was just nothing there. So, it’s kind of like you did things a little bit out of sequence. Ideally you go back to her place after you’ve had a few drinks, after you’ve gone to a few places, you’ve had some dinner and some conversation. And she’s bumping into you, she got extra close, maybe you start making out, then that’s when you potentially say, “Hey, why don’t we get out of here and go back to your place and grab a bottle of wine or something.” That’s how to handle that,
Five days later, I texted her and invited her up to my place for the following weekend.
Now you’re saying, “Hey, why don’t you come over and have sex,” basically. So obviously, again, things are out of sequence and that’s not a good way to go.
She never answered and I moved on, even though I just kept wondering what if anything had turned her off, or that I just didn’t turn her on enough because I hardly made her laugh more than once during the date, and she seemed to be the type of woman that loved to laugh a lot and have fun.
Yeah, the vibe’s off, the chemistry’s off, you were awkward at first. You weren’t being the leader, you didn’t know what you were doing. It just sounds like you were kind of abdicating the leadership authority to her. And so you presented the vibe that you wanted to follow her around and you wanted to follow her lead, which is extremely unattractive.
And the fact that she loves to laugh and have fun, but you didn’t seem to do that. Because again, “Hey, show me around your town. Let’s go back to your place and have dinner.” And then the fact that you try to set up a second date, which is just basically, “Hey, why don’t you come over my house.” That just says, “Hey let’s just have sex.”
It’s like the chemistry’s not there yet. It’s like, hang out, have fun when you’re hanging out, and then hook up. But it doesn’t sound like there was a lot of fun happening on this date, whether it was lack of chemistry or maybe she wasn’t as into you as you thought. It just sounds like when you showed up, you were unprepared, you weren’t ready, you weren’t at your best.
But you know what? Shit’s going to happen. It’s going to be okay. You’ve got to give yourself permission to make these mistakes, because this is how you learn, this is how you grow. This is how you get better the next time around.
So if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” yet and you haven’t read “Mastering Yourself” yet, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com. Subscribe to the email newsletter, and you can read them both for free on my website. All you’ve got to do is subscribe.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The best romances and friendships that lead to good long term and lifelong relationships typically are easy and effortless from the start. The more someone likes, values and appreciates you, the easier it will be to carry on a conversation with them and build a lasting friendship or romantic relationship. When there is friction and lack of interest and effort, these are signs that your souls are not aligned. Self-love also means that you’d rather move on and seek out other people who are more aligned with your heart and soul and who make a mutual effort. When we are lonely and desperate, we tend to ignore a lack of chemistry and effort from the other person. The longer we stay engaged with people where chemistry and effort are lacking, the more this will reinforce the limiting belief that we don’t deserve what we want. The best relationships are easy and effortless where you genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and it feels like fun instead of work. If you don’t click with someone, wish him or her well and keep searching until you find someone you click with and who gets you. The happier you are, the easier it will be to become and attract the right people into your life. Not everyone belongs in your life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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