Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say Or She’ll Leave You

Why men must say what they mean & mean what they say or women will leave them.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 10 times and been following my work for three years. He’s been cheating on his wife with a co-worker and promising to divorce his wife, but he has not.

Eventually, his side chick left him and appears to be dating someone else now. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he’s read 3% Man 10 times, he’s been following my work for about three years and he’s in the military. What’s interesting, I’ve talked about this often, is that people in the military, police, nurses, doctors and female bartenders, those are like the top career choices where people tend to cheat, especially women.

So this guy is in the military and he’s married, I guess he said he got kind of lonely. His wife is in Japan with their daughter and he’s in the United States, in North Carolina. So he decided since he was lonely that it’d be good to start banging one of his female co-workers, and he kept promising her, “Oh yeah, I’m going to leave my wife. I’m going to file for divorce.” She gave him an ultimatum. She says, “Alright, I’ll stay with you as long as you get my name tattooed on you. Then I’ll know you’re serious.” So he did that, but he kept delaying, stalling and Kentucky guaranteeing her, and eventually she’s like, “Screw you,” and it looks like she’s dating somebody else and now he’s kind of all distraught and like, “Oh, this is so hard.”

At the end of the day, character is destiny. If you’re cheating on your wife and you’re promising your sidepiece that you’re going to leave your wife and then you never do and you keep bullshitting her, eventually the clock’s going to run out on that. It’s a limited time offer. If you don’t mean what you say, if you say one thing and you do another, the women are just not going to trust your masculine core. You’re not going to be believable. They’re not going to be able to rely on you, and eventually at some point, they’re going to dip. That’s what’s happening here.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

I hope you’re doing well and read your book 10 times, five more to go. I have been a fan for three years. Currently in the military and been in for 12 years. I am 31 and got married at 20. I’m writing to ask for your advice on a personal matter that has become increasingly complicated over the past year.

Here is the situation:

I have been married for 11 years and share a 9-year-old daughter with my wife, who is currently in Japan. I am stationed in North Carolina, and have recently overcome an administrative separation board this year that started in 2023.

So we don’t know what that’s about. Maybe it was a bad shot. Maybe he was one of those guys that was conservative and told the military brass to fucking pound sand, which is, quite frankly, the right thing to do because a lot of people got fucked up with the clutch shots, especially lots of our pilots and they can’t fly anymore. Maybe it was something else. Character is destiny. So this guy is cheating on his wife. Maybe he did something shady, I don’t know, but he overcame it.

Since February 2023, while my wife has been abroad, I found myself struggling with loneliness, which led me into an extramarital relationship with a woman who is a fellow service member.

“Well, I was a little lonely, so I just started banging one of my co-workers.” That’ll solve the problem… It’s good for your relationship…

Her and I have been involved for almost 20 months. At the start, I told her I was separated, but three months later, I admitted that I was still married and planned to get a divorce soon.

So he’s a liar too. Low integrity. If you’re a man of honor and you say what you mean and mean what you say, these things, when I read this, are just foreign to me, because people live this way, they lie, they cheat and they deceive other people, and then they’re shocked when their life is a fucking train wreck.

She initially agreed to our arrangement on the condition that I get a tattoo with her name, promising that she would have my back and we could have occasional sex. Later on, I also told her that if she committed to me, I might expedite my divorce. However, she refused to commit, even though we continued to be intimate.

Well, it sounds like she’s kind of smart from that perspective. She knows not to believe your bullshit, probably because she’s met other guys like you. Probably in the military.

Complicating matters further, Jessica— Currently a 29-year-old Army sergeant whom I met when she was a corporal— Also became involved with her instructor at the computer analytics school, and she had another partner before she stopped sleeping with me.

So she’s a free agent. She’s banging him. She’s banging somebody else. She’s banging her instructor. Just low character people that their word is not their bond. It just doesn’t mean anything. No integrity, low character. So it’s not surprising that it’s not going to end well.

About three weeks ago, she issued an ultimatum: Either I inform my wife of my intent to divorce over the phone, or our relationship ends.

Well, she didn’t want to be the sidepiece anymore because what obviously happened after two years, he initially lied, “Oh yeah, I’m separated from my wife,” which was a lie, and he says, “Well, I’m actually married, but I’m going to file for divorce soon.” Then two years later, what’s going on? Nothing. He still hasn’t done shit because he’s a liar, he’s a low integrity man, and this is why he’s having problems. He’s not making good choices.

I responded that it wasn’t the right time…

This is what all men say to their mistress, “Oh, it’s just not the right time to leave my wife. She’s in a fragile condition right now. I’ve got to do it for the kids. Just a few more months. Just be patient, honey. I’m definitely going to leave her,” and this goes on.

I mean, I’ve talked to and done phone sessions with women. I’ve done emails with them. Seven, eight, nine, 10 years this shit goes on and, “Oh, it’s not the right time.” There’s always another excuse. “She’s going through depression. I can’t leave my wife and she’s depressed right now.” There’s always another excuse.

At the end of the day, he’s just lying. He’s telling her what she needs to hear to keep her in line so he can continue to be a low integrity dude. At least she was smart enough to not commit to this guy because she knew basically that he was full of shit, but she must have enjoyed the sex and she’s enjoying the sex with the instructor. So it’s not like she’s cheating on anybody, but initially she bought his bullshit but suspected he was full of crap, and then eventually she figured out that he was full of crap.

…And that she needed to show her commitment first.

Seriously dude? She needed to show her commitment first? You’re the one saying you lied to her and said you were separated. You’re the type of guy that’ll say whatever you need to say. You’ll tell any kind of lie, it doesn’t matter. You don’t give a shit just as long as it facilitates getting what you want. You got to rethink your life, dude. You got a shitty value system.

She declined, and the last time we spent time together was last Saturday after my board convened. Since then, every time I try to reach out, she avoids any communication, and I suspect she may be seeing someone else now.

Well, that’s not surprising because you’re just constantly lying to her, Kentucky guaranteeing her and blowing sunshine up her ass. You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.

If you’re chasing a woman, probably doing most of the pursuing, probably he’s kind of backslid a lot and he’s got away from the book anyways, but he has no character, no integrity. He’s just a low character dude. So you know when you’re going to lie like this and you’re going to behave like this, there’s a time limit. You’re only going to be able to get away with this bullshit for so long, and it looks like you’re at the end of the line right now.

I invested a great deal— Emotionally, financially, and even physically (The tattoo still remains as a reminder of our pact)…

Well, you didn’t hold up your end of the bargain, so your pact was null and void because you’re a liar.

…Into this relationship.

Obviously the tattoo.

Despite my intentions to eventually reconcile with her post-divorce, I now find that her distance is painful and confusing.

This is so obvious, dude. This was inevitable. I mean, you can’t bullshit somebody for years and just expect them to keep buying your bullshit. So eventually karma comes for all. You reap what you sow in life. This is obvious.

I don’t know if you didn’t have a dad growing up, your dad was a dirt-bag or didn’t teach you any values, as a man, you can’t behave this way and expect to get very far in life. Now it seems to make sense why the military was trying to separate. Your in front of this board, maybe you’re doing other dodgy shit in the military. You got to rethink your life, dude. Be a man of honor. Be a guy who says what he means and means what he says, because otherwise you’re just going to go from girl to girl to girl, and eventually they’re all going to tap out and realize that you’re totally full of shit and you don’t mean anything you say.

I am struggling to make sense of all these complexities…

There’s nothing complex about this. You have an unhealthy relationship with the truth and that you’re incapable of being truthful and honest.

…And I am unsure of how to proceed both in terms of my personal growth and how to handle the aftermath of these decisions.

See, women want your attention all the time. Even Ocean. She wouldn’t jump back up in the chair until I paid attention to her and move Rocky out of the way. They’re annoying like that. Girls want your attention all the fucking time. You notice how she started being cranky, angry and, “Arghh, pay attention!” Even if I looked at her and told her to jump up in the chair, she wants more attention. She wants me to acknowledge her. She wants me to move Rocky out of the way. She wants me to show that she’s important, that she matters. So I picked him up, I moved her over and she jumped up. It’s a good metaphor for the way women are.

If you’re just going to constantly lie and ignore, eventually they’re going to be like, “Fuck this dude,” and they’re going to move on. It’s kind of silly to to think, “Oh gee, these complexities. I am struggling to make sense of all these complexities.” There’s nothing complicated. There’s nothing complex about this. If you really, truly don’t want to be with your wife anymore, then the right thing to do is to divorce her, leave and move on. Keep your word. It’s a novel idea, I know, but when you’re a liar and a cheater and you behave this way and your life’s a train wreck, there’s nothing complex about that.

Again, you’re incapable of being honest, loyal and faithful. So what do you expect? This is inevitable. You reap what you sow in life.

Your insights on navigating these tangled relationships, the best approach to healing…

Well, you tangled them up.

…And making decisive moves for my future would be incredibly valuable.

Thank you very much for your time and any guidance you can offer. I look forward to your response.

Bob

Well, you’ve read the book 10 times, and you obviously did enough to attract this girl, but you’re a liar.

You got to be a man of honor, a man of integrity, but you’re not reliable. You’re not dependable, because you say one thing and do another. You’re willing to tell whatever lies you need to tell in order to get what you want. So all you’re going to be able to do is attract low character people. At least, on the woman’s behalf, who you were hooking up with, your sidepiece, she was smart enough not to buy your load of bullshit. She knows that actions speak louder than words, and she knew that more than likely, you probably weren’t going to follow through because you’re a fuck-boy and she’s dealt with fuck-boys like you, and she obviously likes fuck-boys, but she’s got a time limit. If you’re not going to actually do what you say, eventually she’s going to move on, and that’s the way it’s going to be. There’s nothing complex about that. You’re just making excuses. You tell yourself it’s complex. That’s your story. Your story is going, “Oh, this is so complex and such a mess. I don’t know what to do.” Well, the reason you don’t know what to do, again that’s your story, when someone says, “I don’t know what to do,” they know. They don’t want to say. They don’t want to admit it. You don’t want to admit that you got some unpleasant things to do, namely leaving your wife, if that’s what your real intention is. Does your wife know about the fact you’re cheating on her? He doesn’t say much about that, but he’s pretty selfish, acting narcissistic, like he’s a fucking victim or something.

Dude, you made this bed, so lie in it and enjoy it. If you shit the bed and then complain about that you’re laying in bed with shit in it, well look in the fucking mirror, dude. All of your decisions led to this moment. If you had just divorced your wife and did what you said, you’d probably be in a relationship with this woman. Instead, you thought you could bullshit your wife, bullshit your daughter, bullshit this co-worker, and obviously she had other choices and options and there was a time limit. She enjoyed her time with you and now she’s dealing with somebody that probably honors her word a little bit more maybe, or maybe he’s just like you. I mean, she probably doesn’t mind being the other woman, so it shows she’s a low character person as well. So you guys kind of all deserve each other. It makes for a great movie, a great Melrose Place, or some kind of thing where it’s like the old soap operas back in the day. I don’t even know if there’s any of those left on TV anymore. I think there might be one or two. The Young and the Restless, Days of Our Lives. Everybody’s fucking everybody else, everybody’s cheating and lying and all the drama around that. Women eat that shit up. They love it. At least they used to. They don’t really watch it anymore because I guess they got Netflix now and I don’t have to watch fucking commercials with it.

I mean, this is such a simple thing to fix. If you don’t want to be with your wife, be a man of high character, tell her and leave her and then become single again so you could date somebody like this and not lose them, but she was nice enough to give you a chance. You reap what you sow, dude, so you deserve what you get. You did this to yourself. So if you’re upset, if you’re having difficulty with complexities, as you say, look in the mirror. That’s the guy that did it. You got to participate in your own rescue, as Jocko Willink says, “You got to take extreme ownership of your life,” and you’re not doing that. You’re acting like, “Oh, I’m a victim. I don’t know how this happened to me. It’s so many complexities.” It’s ridiculous. Grow the fuck up, dude.

By the way, we have a live stream today at 2 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, so we’ll answer your questions there on the live stream. Then tomorrow on Fridays, we have a 1 p.m. live stream. We do it for two hours with myself, Chunky and the girls, so hopefully we’ll see you on the live stream.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.