How to master the art of seduction by knowing when to move forward and when to back off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started hooking up with a woman he met in church. After he approached her at church, they ended up spending the whole day together with a session of the indoor Olympics later on. She is in the middle of a divorce and has been hot and cold ever since.
He has been doing everything right, but she is all over the place and he asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Part of the problem you get into with a person whose divorce isn’t finalized, or like in this case, they’re in the middle of a divorce, or somebody who just had a breakup and the ex is in the background, their emotions are going to be hot and cold. So, you really see the importance of employing what Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
This guy’s done a masterful job of employing “2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back,” but you could tell at the end of the email, he’s little frustrated because he likes the girl. As he tries to spend more time with her, she’s kind of pushing him away, even though she still contacts him. But he’s doing a great job. You can’t help when or who you meet, or what their situation is, but if you play your cards right, like especially in this case, you become an escape for her from what’s going on in her life.
Obviously, she’s not happy talking to the ex. As soon as she’s thinking she’s doing well for the day, he calls her and gaslights her. I think he probably still wants to get back together with her. More than likely, she’s probably the one driving this divorce. But you can have a lot of fun and create the conditions where, especially if the other guy is pursuing her, he’ll drive her right into your arms. And the email even mentions that. It seems like that’s what’s going on. But that’s why it’s so important; you can’t put on any pressure, and you’ve got to let her come to you at her pace. Because if you try to force things or you get impatient, it just blows up in your face and then you get ghosted and you get nowhere.
I’m not sure if I ever heard you address this topic.
Well, it is a big topic from the book, “2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back.” As I talk about in the book, getting involved with somebody that’s in the middle of a divorce – because I’ve done so many emails over the years, some emails where the women are living with their soon-to-be ex-husbands still and carrying on a relationship with the guy that sent in the email, or guys I’ve done phone sessions with – what happens is they bounce back and forth between the new guy and the ex.
That’s why its also helpful in these situations to keep your options open. Because, if you’re looking for a relationship, you have to recognize that right now, in this particular moment in time, she’s not the greatest person to be getting involved with just because things can be sailing along great, and then all of a sudden she backs up and says, “I can’t do this,” and she wants to break it off. And if you’re into the girl and your emotions are involved, you’ll get raked over the coals emotionally, so it’s not a lot of fun.
That’s why I would recommend, especially if you’re really new to “3% Man,” that you have other options. It makes it increasingly difficult, because she’s basically got all of the power and leverage. She’s got the new guy and she’s got the ex.
I met a girl three weeks ago at church. I walked up to her and simply said, “Hey, you are absolutely stunning, what is your name?”
I mean, that’s right from the book. He tells her exactly what he thinks of her, gives a compliment. He communicates his romantic interest, and then he goes in to ask her what her name is, I assume, without volunteering his. And then, she asks him.
We small talked and ended up spending the whole day together downtown drinking and getting to know each other. Eventually, I secured a victory in the indoor Olympics at her place.
So, he created an insta-date, which is another thing that I talk about in the book. And that’s the beauty; when you apply what’s in “3%, Man,” you never know when these things are going to happen. You just see a girl at church, and boom! The next thing you know, you’re spending the whole day together on a date, and then it ends up an indoor Olympics at her place.
The catch is that she said she was grieving a divorce, and the ex was in the background gaslighting and contacting her and she wasn’t ready to date.
Remember, all love affairs, all romances, all relationships start as casual, hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Again, that’s why I created the formula, hang out, have fun, hook up – simple as that. No relationships. Not even talking about dating, necessarily, because it turned into a date, but he just created an instant opportunity for sex to happen, and that’s all a date really is. And remember, whatever a woman feels with you when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you.
Nevertheless, we set up another date. I took your advice, and we did multiple things.
So, you went to two or three different places, because each different place you go is like another date. Most guys go pick up a girl for dinner and then they take her home.
We went for a walk in the park and then grabbed dinner and listened to music. We passionately made out in the parking lot. We wanted to sleep together again, but she told me not tonight, she needed more time to get to know me.
One time, this was back in my my late twenties, I met this girl and we were hanging out. And then we ended up hooking up in my office at the end of our second date. I remember, I was making plans to set up the third date, and I was like, “What’s your address?” And she said, after we had sex in my office, she‘s like, “I don’t know you well enough to have you come to my house yet.” I remember chuckling at that. This is what it reminds me of. You’re giving me flashbacks, man.
I DID NOT OVER PURSUE. I used the phone only to contact her to set up times to see her. Since that date, she went to Nashville and we didn’t speak. Three days later, I reached out to ask when she was free. She made excuses about how she didn’t know her “plans.”
You can tell, her emotions are all over the place. And this is the difficulty getting involved with women that are in the middle of a divorce, because their emotions are everywhere. You’re having sex one day, and the next day it’s like, “I don’t know what my plans are.”
I didn’t respond. She texted me later that week referencing Top Golf. I used that as, “That means we’ve got to work on that golf swing of yours. When are you free?”
So, she’s just kind of fishing, “Oh, he’s still interested.”
She left me on read and ignored the text. I didn’t reach out or double text.
That’s exactly what you do. Dating is like tennis; you hit the ball over the net, and then you’ve got to wait for her to hit it back. Now, under normal circumstances, with high interest, you’re not going to have to be dealing with this, but he’s involved with a woman who is in the middle of a divorce. And this is what happens. You’re all excited to see her, “We were just having sex the other day,” and now it’s like, “Oh, I can’t get together.“
That Sunday, I saw her at church again. I played it cool and we ended up going on another walk, grabbing coffee, and then getting lunch and beer. She told me she had been distant because the ex was in the background blowing up her phone.
This is so predictable.
So, I told myself, “I was doing everything right. He’s just pushing her into my arms. Practice infinite patience, like Corey teaches.”
Bingo. Good job, dude. You’re doing phenomenal, by the way, and you should pat yourself on the back. Because this is not an easy situation for most guys, especially a dude that’s only been through the book four times. So, you’re doing a good job at reading comprehension, so far.
After lunch, we ended up back at her place, rearranged her furniture and had some fun. I kept in mind the approach of two steps forward, one step back all night. Then, we rearranged some other things (ha-ha) but I was able to seduce her and participate in the indoor Olympics. Afterwards, I said, “Call me later!”
As I discuss in the book, which you if you’re new, if this is one of the first videos you’ve seen, you can read “3% Man” at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. You can read it right in your browser or whatever device you’re on. So, what happens is you keep moving forward until you experience resistance. Maybe you’re kissing or maybe you’re making out. Your hands are wandering and then they go a little too far, and then she stops you. Now, most guys that don’t know any better, they think, “Well, that’s it, I’m not getting laid,” and they just give up. All it really means is you’re going a little too fast and you need to slow down, back up a little bit. Hence the two steps forward.
In other words, you keep moving forward until you encounter resistance. Then you take a step back. You refocus on conversation and talking, getting her to talk. And then a little while later, you start making out, heavy petting, start removing items of clothing, things of that nature. I go into extensive detail in the book and really explain this process, but this guy has just done a masterful job of applying it. He’s a good student, so far. Don’t get cocky. You’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times, because this is just the seduction part. You’ve got to learn the pickup skills, the dating skills, and the relationship skills.
The next day she texted me about a friend that was looking for someone to date and if I knew someone. A text or two later, she told me she was upset with herself for what we did. Not me.
If she says that, you’re like, “Oh, you’re upset? You know what? I can help you with your grief therapy. We should get together.”
As you said, when a woman contacts, assume she wants to see you. So, I said, “Hey, it seems like your emotions are everywhere. When are you free to meet up and talk about it?” This was her response: “I just am not ready to do what we are doing together. I really needed time to be alone, and that’s when I am the happiest right now and at peace. I’m really sorry, but I can’t see you because I know I’ll let my guard down.”
I would have probably said, “Well, I don’t want you to torture yourself by staying away from me. I don’t want you to get any Corey withdrawals.” So, all that’s saying, that’s your resistance there. She still likes you, she’s still into you, but emotionally, she’s not ready. The only thing that really matters with women is how they feel about you. And in that moment, because the ex is in the background, this is what happens.
I know it’s frustrating as hell, because under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t have to be dealing with this, unless, of course, you’re dealing with a woman that’s a fruit loop. But, in this particular case, she’s in the middle of a divorce. As I warn in the book, this is exactly what happens. But you can have a hell of a lot of fun. I mean, how awesome is that? The guy read my book four times so far, created an instant date, at church of all places, and then he’s “boom chicka boom boom” later.
It’s like, you’ll have to go to confession. I was born and raised Catholic, so I’m sure the religious people are going, “Corey, that’s naughty. You shouldn’t be teaching these things.” I’m just the messenger. I’m the coach. I am here to help you get what you want. Your morals and your religion, that’s between you and the big man upstairs.
My question is, isn’t it the man’s job to be the protector and seduce the woman to where she feels she can let her guard down? Her emotional rock?
That is true, but you’re not in a relationship with her. You’ve only hung out two, maybe three times. So, at the end of the day, like I talk about in the book, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. And you’re employing two steps forward, one step back, because you’re also dealing with a woman that’s in the middle of a divorce. So, she’s not going to be behaving like other women would be behaving that are normal and healthy and don’t have an ex in the background.
Under normal circumstances, if a woman’s contacting you, and there’s no ex in the background, and you invite her to get together, she’s going to be excited. That’s why she reached out. So, there’s no reason to beat yourself up or get impatient. And I can tell there’s a little bit of impatience and frustration on his part, which is understandable. I warned you in the book, this is what happens, but it’s a great example for everybody else to watch and listen to because, I mean, these things are going to happen. I’ve encountered this many times. That’s how I learned this stuff. So, it’s not you. It really is them, in this case.
It just sucks, because I have been following your book, (on my fourth read), and have done everything right.
Yeah. So far, dude, I don’t see one mistake in here. Everything you’ve done is textbook, so pat yourself on the back. There’s no reason to beat yourself up. You have to take a step back and look at the situation and see it as it is, not worse than it is, (which it seems like that’s kind of where you want to go), or better than it is, but just as it is. That’s why it would be really helpful if you had some other candidates, some other women to spend your time with.
I’m just going to say, “I understand. Let me know if you change your mind.”
That’s all you have to do. You invite her to do something, and then if she says no, say, “Cool. Well, when you miss me terribly, I would love to hear from you so we can get together. I want to see you. I want to see those beautiful lips of yours again,” or whatever it happens to be. So, good job, dude. Pat yourself in the back. You’ve got to be patient. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re doing amazing. Infinite patience.
Remember, the goal is to go slightly slower than she is. And that’s why you were successful at the indoor Olympics. A guy that hadn’t read my book, he would have gotten nowhere with her. He probably would have gotten the phone number, tried to set a date, gotten frustrated, pissed off at her, and then she would have blocked him or ghosted him. But this guy was as smooth as silk, man. So, awesome job. I’m proud of you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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