Seeking Her Approval Turns Her Off. Letting Her Seek Yours Turns Her On

Why seeking her approval turns her off but letting her seek yours turns her on.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s read 3% Man more than 10 times. He’s been pursuing a woman he wants to marry, but she keeps saying he’s not right for her and says she wants to break up with him. However, she keeps coming back and hooking up with him and never dumps him. She says she’s 101% sure she’s not going to marry him, but she can’t stop thinking about him or missing him. He says it’s messing with his head and he asks how to deal with this and what to do. He wants her to change her mind and marry him. I tell him what he needs to do instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. In the topic of today’s Members Only Video Newsletter is, “Seeking Your Approval Turns Her Off. Letting Her Seek Yours Turns Her On.”

So this particular email, I believe he’s from the Middle East because he sounds like he’s an Arab, Arab Muslim. And he’s also focused on marrying. And what’s different in the West versus how it is in the Arab world, there’s still a lot of arranged marriages and a lot of focus on meeting a girl and getting married. And so, all of those societies are going from arranged marriages to guys and girls kind of dating and courting and getting to; it’s almost like a hybrid. You’re still, the families are still involved. But because the women date and court that there’s still a process to getting a woman to fall in love and choose you.

And so, this particular guy, he says he’s read 3% Man ten times and he’s been pursuing a woman that he wants to marry, but she keeps saying he’s not right for her and that she wants to break up with him. However, he backs off and she says that she can’t help. What does she say? She can’t help but stop thinking about him or missing him and hooking up with him. But he’s focused on marriage and locking her down. And it’s really upsetting and really disconcerting. And he’s having a really hard time with it. Because he’s like, “she keeps telling me I’m not the right guy for her, but yet she can’t stay away.”

And it’s like, that’s why you have to just look what a woman does, not what she says. Don’t get caught up in her words. Look at her actions, her actions; she wants your dick. She wants your cock. So even though she may mentally, there may be things about you that she doesn’t like or say, “oh, you’re not right for her.” But man, that shit does not fucking matter. Attraction level cuts through everything. Women will abandon their families. They’ll abandon their children. They’ll change their religions. They’ll leave their country. If they’re head over heels in love with the guy, they will follow him to the ends of the earth.

Even when she says, “oh, he’s not the right guy for me.” If she stays with him, it’s just like women go, “I want a nice guy that wine me, dines me, buys me flowers.” And when they date guys like that, they blow them off. And then when you talk to them about the guys that actually date and sleep with and who they love the most, those guys never do any of that shit that they claim they want. And so, you got to understand, women speak in hyperbole. They tend to take little things and go, “ah, it’s a big door. Ah!”

Us guys, we tend to take that and just go, “zoom.” And we shrink it down to the little nothingness problems that they are. So he’s got a pretty easy situation to have, but he’s also a little too serious. He needs to take the stick out of his ass and not get all caught up in her emotions. Feminine energy is chaos and he’s getting freaked out by her emotional storms, if you will. And so, this particular email, there’s actually there’s probably 3 or 4 snippets of different emails he sent me.

So this is like a long back and forth here. But this guy’s got a really easy situation to fix. And we’re assuming that she’s a normal, healthy woman, but he’s really struggling with his feelings and his neediness. He’s being a little neurotic. He’s just too focused on locking her down to a commitment and marrying her. He should just be focused on creating the next opportunity for sex to happen.

Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

I listen to your audio book past counting now- well above 10. I appreciate you so much.

Corey I am desperate for help. My girlfriend doesn’t want to marry me because “our worlds are too different.”

At the end of the day, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. It’s not to get married. It’s not to be in a relationship. It’s just a fuck her brains out. Make her feel good. Make her feel safe, make her feel comfortable, and be her best option so she goes out of her way to convince you why you need to marry her. You have to be a challenge to women and you’re not being a challenge to her. You’re basically showing up with a Stanley Cup and going, you’ve won. And she’s going, “gee, I don’t know if I want to be in the position of power or the leader.”

It’s like, don’t let a woman know that she’s won the race already. That’s your first mistake. You’ve also communicated that you’re way more into her than she is into you, and you just can’t do that as a man. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. It drives women nuts when they don’t know where they stand with you. They claim they don’t like it, but that’s what sends their emotions into the stratosphere. And what it really comes from is women are designed to get our attention and validation.

They do their nails, they do their hair. They go to the tanning salon, they try on a bunch of different outfits, a bunch of different shoes. Everything is to try to get our attention. It is to try to get the man or men to pay attention to them. And so, when you understand that we’re focused on our mission, our purpose, slaying the dragons, it’s the women who get our attention. It’s the women who convince us to pay attention to them. It’s the women who entice us to seduce them. It’s the women who get us to stop paying so much attention to our purpose and pay attention to them.

And so, when you do that, they go crazy for you. But when you do the opposite of that, you’re acting just like another girl would act. And so, that’s why they get so confused. That’s why this girl is constantly going. Our worlds are too different. And so, one thing I want to say before we go any further is that her saying she doesn’t want to marry you. You gotta have fun. You gotta have a playful attitude. Your attitude should be like, whatever. You can’t stop calling and texting me you. When she says, “I’m not going to marry you, you’re the wrong guy for me.” It’s like, “yeah, whatever.

Yeah, it’s not what you were saying last night when I was deep inside you, but that’s fine. It’s like we don’t have to get married, but it’s clear you’re head over heels in love with me and you can’t help yourself. But I don’t want to marry you. Is like. But you can’t keep your hands off of me because I’m sexy as hell. What am I going to say? I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you for not being able to stay away.” That’s the attitude that you should have. You should be playful. You should not be fearful.

You should not be worried. You should be amused when she comes to you with this. Because again, feminine energy is chaos. She’s coming to you full of chaos and emotions and energy. And what’s happening is instead of being stoic and amused and playful, you’re getting butthurt and perturbed and offended and taking it as a personal rejection. A delay is not a permanent denial with women. If she’s with you, it means she voted for you, despite what she says.

Her picture of her in laws, or my parents, is not what she envisioned for her life going forward.

When she says things like that, you say, “you know what? We can change our names and we can become like Mr. and Mrs. James Bond and disappear. What do you think? Then we don’t have to worry about our families.” You got to have fun with it. You got to be playful. Don’t be threatened. Look at it as a way to be amused and think. You’re so cute. It’s like, “you worry about things that don’t matter. Your parents love me anyways.”

For background my parents are not religious, not together in the same house, and I take care of my ill mother because I want to.

Well it’s the right thing to do.

We come from a religious background.

So again, not because he’s got a Arab name, so I assume he’s from the Middle East because I have a lot of clients in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, some in Pakistan, a lot of people in the United Arab Emirates, Dubai, all over, all over Europe.

Dating for marriage type situation. It’s been 4 months.

Four whole months. Oh, my God, you’re not married yet? Oh Jesus Christ. Ah, really? Relax, dude. You’re focused on the wrong things. You were taught to focus on acting like a girl. And it’s just inappropriate. It’s not your nature anyways. How do you feel? How does all this shit make you feel? Incredibly uncentered and fearful and worried about the future. That’s why you just focus on the next opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it.

Be amused by all of her contradictions, her changing her mind, her, “oh, I don’t think you’re the right guy for me.” It’s like, “whatever. That’s why you can’t keep your hands off of me.” You got to have that attitude. You got to take the stick out of your butt and stop being so serious. Love is playful and fun. It’s not serious. This girl is with you. She can’t walk away from you. She still likes you. But you getting upset and perturbed is getting in the way of her of her falling in love with you and begging you to marry her.

Because she doesn’t want to marry me, she wants to end the relationship. I still want the relationship and to marry her, citing our bond and connection which we both agree is rare and strong.

Well, that statement right there, “citing our bond and connection” that tells me you’re trying to prove yourself to her. You’re seeking her attention to validation. You’re acting like a girl, dude. In the Middle East it’s very unmasculine for a man to act like a woman. It’s an insult. And so, you should know better than to act like a chick, dude.

We have lead very similar lives and have similar personalities. But she wants to give into her logical side.

No she doesn’t. She may say she does, but she doesn’t. She really wants to surrender to you. And she is but you keep doing unattractive things and acting like you’re not worthy. You’re the prize. You’re the catch. She should be trying to convince you to marry her. But instead you’re acting like a girl too much.

And end the relationship despite still feeling strongly for one another, saying its the sensible thing to do because she wouldn’t be happy marrying me.

Oh, I know you wouldn’t be happy marrying me. But that’s why you were screaming my name last night, as you were Orgasming orgasming multiple times.

She wants to end the relationship, but still answers my calls and texts.

You shouldn’t be calling and texting her all the time either.

And requests to come over and still has sex with me. 

It’s like she’s voting with her feet. She’s fucking you because she wants you. She can’t help it. You should not be doing more than 20 to 30% of the calling, texting and pursuing. And if you can get away with it, which you probably can just slowly back off until she’s doing 100% of it, it’ll drive her crazy.

She’ll be all over your ass like white on rice, dude. Your situation is so fucking ridiculously easy to fix. I want you to take your right hand, reach out and choke yourself. Knock it off. Just create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Let the girl come to you, Dude. Stop acting like a girl.

I am defaulting back to not calling/texting her.

This is the way it should be.

And setting up dates every 5-9 days.

Well, the idea is you just back off and you wait to hear from her. When she finally does reach out, you assume she wants to see you and make the next date. Simple as that.

I think it’s too soon to cut things off at the 4 month mark, it takes years to assess someone for marriage.

Yeah, typically about two years of dating. But again, you being in the Middle East and your culture. Again, you guys are in that transition, especially like even in India, I have a lot of clients in India that struggle with this. Because they never had to date before. Before it was the parents would get together. This is my son, this is my daughter. They the parents know the makeup of the child, and the parents talk and discuss the personalities to see if they could potentially jive. They spend some time together.

If the kids like each other. It’s like everybody agrees, “all right, we’re going to get married.” But now there’s dating and courtship rituals thrown in which you never had to do in the Middle East. It was never part of the courtship process. And so, it’s confusing because now the woman is dealing with being attracted or not being attracted or being attracted initially, and then getting turned off.

But she’s absolutely sure, apparently. Once she makes a decision she sticks with it.

Yeah, that decision doesn’t mean anything. Attraction cuts through everything, bro. If she’s head over heels in love with you, it doesn’t matter. “I’m never gonna marry you.” Whatever. Bottom line, she’s still coming over and fucking your brains out. So ignore what she says. Only pay attention to what she does.

I want her to change her mind.

There’s nothing for you to do about that. You should not be focused on that. You should be focused on beating up her pelvis, hanging out, having fun while you’re hanging out and hooking up.

But she has said she is 101% certain she isn’t going to marry me.

Whatever.

Hence she wants to end the relationship, but can’t stop thinking of me / missing me. 

Babe, why would you want to torture yourself by staying away? Are you kidding me? You want to end the relationship, but you miss me terribly. It’s like, don’t torture yourself like that. Or stay away until you can’t take it anymore, and then come over and tear my clothes off.

I’ve since said I won’t bring up marriage anymore and I won’t.

Good. It’s not your department anyways. Your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen.

When we are in bed and cuddling, and I ask her to sort out a day when we can go away together she says yes – but then immediately her drive to break up kicks in, saying “what are we if we aren’t going to get married, what is the point?”

It’s like we’re lovers, babe. Who fucking cares? We’re having a blast together.

I tell her I just want to organize dates and hang out and to stop thinking about that stuff, to stay together and power through.

Again, you’re too focused on a relationship. Just focus on hanging out, having fun and hooking up, fucking her brains out, making her happy when you’re together. That’s it. You’re living in the future instead of in the present moment. You should be amused by this behavior. Instead, you’re getting butthurt, offended, and perturbed. Your attitude should be not that you’re going to say this to her, “but hey, if you think you could do better than me, then go.” But it’s clear because she keeps vote with her feet that you’re the best thing she’s got.

My problem is I don’t want to let go because our relationship is so good. We get on so well; it’s just her wanting to marry into a family with in fact in-laws to heal her.

That doesn’t make any sense.

She adores me. I said, we shouldn’t break up – but the day you stop feeling for me, we can.

Fair enough.

She tells me that’s never going to happen. She wants to break up because she’s chasing an idealization and I don’t agree with it.

Just be amused. Think it’s silly. Tease her about it. I was like, babe, you just like torturing yourself. You were head over heels in love with me. You can’t wait to marry me. What are you talking about? You can’t stop thinking about me. There’s no way you’re going to go marry somebody else when you can’t stop thinking about me. It’s like I’m not going to be your side piece. If you get with another guy I’m not going to be your side piece. Maybe you can be one of my wives or one of my mistresses.

So I’m just showing up lovingly. I really struggle to break up with her.

Don’t focus on breaking up at all. Your job is just to fuck her brains out, hang out, have fun. Hook up, hang out, have fun. Hook up, hang out, have fun. Hook up. That’s it. That’s the formula for guys. There’s nothing in there about a relationship. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

Because conversely, I’m 101% sure I want to marry her.

Yeah. If you’re the prize and you’re the catch again, that’s her job.

I’m stuck on what to do and need the help of the big boss super badly. 

Mistakes I’ve made:

1. Not letting her bring up the future herself; I should just be responsible for dates.

Yep. What have I been saying?

2. Saying I love you too much

Well, she should be saying it more than you. And you’re violating a principle from the book. So that’s on you.

Making her feel guilty when she’s swimming in this not knowing, and now knowing, she doesn’t want to marry me.

It’s like she’s a woman. It’s like her feelings change like the weather dude. Don’t take it personally. It’s just the way they are. This is what’s beautiful about women. Feminine energy is chaos. You should be amused at this. This should be exciting to you. This should be fun. It should be cute and endearing. All these emotional and mental gyrations, she goes back and forth. You can even tell her that when she starts going, “I’m not going to marry you.” Just go, “you’re so fucking cute. I love watching you wrestle with marrying me or not. It’s like, it’s so cute. You’re so hot. You’re beautiful, I love you, you’re amazing. But please continue. Please continue with the show because I’m really enjoying it.”

I need to know:

Does attraction beat logic in this situation?

Yeah, it does 100% of the time, dude. Attraction level cuts through everything. That’s why women throw their careers away. That’s why you’ve seen several famous cases here in the states of women murdering their children. Because the guy that they’re hooking up with doesn’t want anything to do with kids. And they think, “well, if I just get rid of my kids, then he’ll love me and be with me.” That’s insane. You have women that are prison guards that hook up with murderers in jail.

And then scheme to murder and knock off their husbands so they can go on the lam together for the rest of their life. It’s like that’s all emotions. There’s no logic in that at all. Women can’t help themselves. So you got to remember that this is all about how she feels about you. Women don’t give a shit about what a great guy you are. They only care about how they feel about you, and you’re constantly trying to act like a girl who gets in the way of her falling in love with you.

If I default back to the system, setting up dates and being present and loving, can I change her mind?

It’s not up to you to change her mind. Your job is just to fuck her brains out properly. That’s it. She will change her mind in her own time. She keeps saying she’s going to break up with you, but what does she do? She comes over and fucks you and tells you how she can’t stop calling you and thinking about you. It makes no sense from a logical perspective. But what’s happening is you’re creating the conditions where she’s vacillating back and forth between really being turned on by you and turned off, turned on, turned off.

And that’s why you’re kind of stuck in this trough where it’s not really going anywhere, because you’re so focused on marrying her and locking her down instead of just letting her be. Let her come to you. She’ll be the one to go, “when are we gonna get married? We gotta tell everybody. This is perfect.”

She’s picking up between her trauma and wants, and her adoration and compatibility of me. She has asked herself if she can get over this because I’m such a great guy, and she says she can’t – but is still giving me a lot of affections.

That’s because you were pursuing. You weren’t letting her come to you at her pace. It wasn’t her decision. You were interrupting her fun. You were trying to be the girl. Let her be the girl. Let her come to you.

I think as well, why my question is a good one to answer, is because it puts a focus on her logic and not her emotions.

Well, the only thing that matters is how she feels about you.

Because I follow your principles,

Eh not really. You’re kind of vacillating on following the principles. That’s why you’re getting vacillating interest. You’re not consistently masculine enough and manly enough. You’re acting like a chick too much.

I am able to continue dating and courting her. I have no fear of not being enough, and I need your help specifically because you’ve got me this far.

Besides the chapter on weathering the storm – which I am doing my best to push through, I’m doing exactly what I can.

This situation hurts.

I know, but you’re doing it to yourself. Every time you act like a girl, you hurt yourself.

And when she brings up the break up it does bring me to tears.

Stop crying over that. Don’t get upset about that. It’s like, that’s ridiculous. That’s not manly or masculine either. Don’t act like a little bitch. Because if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch.

But then I say every time, I’m a man and I want to be strong and I believe in us. I adore this woman, and I so need your help to make sense of this.

You have to let her come to you. Stop trying to force things. Stop trying to pursue her so much. Just let her come to you and make dates that can lead to sex. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.

The things I blame myself for, are asking her about the future and putting pressure on her. She divorced her husband a year ago. I’ve never been married, and I’m new to the sensibilities of a divorced woman. 

Being divorced has nothing to do with it. It’s just an attraction issue.

It’s just the whole notion of it being a family incompatibility. It’s so hard. I just want to focus on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, and eventually marrying her.

That’s not the formula. The formula is hang out, have fun, hook up, not hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Eventually. Marry her. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. That’s it, that’s it.

I just don’t know what to do boss, but to just keep dating and courting her.

Let her come to you at her pace. Follow what’s in the book. Stop acting like a girl. It’s not complicated, but to just keep dating and courting her.

I’m always taking her out, and I’m always listening to her and courting her like you taught me. I make her cum several times like you told me to! I let her come to me, like you told me to – albeit now, she doesn’t come to me.

Ha Ha Ha Ha. This is why I love what I do.

She said she won’t call me right now, but she came right over yesterday when I asked her too – and we are going for a walk on Monday together too. Just giving her space between dates and hoping this situation de-escalates.

Stop calling, stop texting. Let her do a 100% of it. Just hang out, have fun and hook up when you hear from her. That’s it bro. This is so easy to fix.

But if she doesn’t see herself marrying me, what’s the point?

It’s not about her seeing herself marrying you. The important thing is she doesn’t feel ready to marry you because you’re getting in the way of her attraction hitting a nine. It’s vacillating back and forth between a seven and an eight. Because you’re so worried about the future. This is again, this is so easy to fix.

How do I get her to follow her heart for me?

Simple. Let her come to you at her pace. Stop stealing all her fun. Stop trying to act like the girl.

And not her desire of this family idolization?

Again, this family Idolization she has, this fantasy, it doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant. The only thing that matters is her feelings.

How do I fully know it’s not to do with her attraction for me or the way I’m showing up?

Well, it is how you’re showing up and it is 100% an attraction issue.

If I do something like upset her, or be a bitch, it’s easy to go no contact and back off. It’s attraction; easy. But what do I do in the face of her core desire for a family. That’s real. She loves that more than anything. She came from a broken home and that’s all she craves, she wants to experience that kind of family peace.

All you going to do is is be the man. Be the rock. Be the mountain. Let her come to you at her pace. Stop pursuing. Stop calling. Stop texting when you hear from her. Just make the next get together and fuck her brains out. Make her cum multiple times. That’s all it really matters is her feelings and her emotions and stimulating those.

I understand that, I understand that my family is oddly shaped but still full of love.

You don’t have to prove yourself or justify the way your family is to anybody, especially her.

She has spent 4 months loving me, and seeing if she can get over this but she can’t. It’s her trauma. 

No, it’s you continuing to act unattractive. That’s what’s going on.

I’m still seeing my girlfriend despite her wanting to break up. She still texts me and calls me but says she struggles with the guilt.

I keep reminding her to just chill out and not take things so seriously.

It’s a tough situation. She keeps saying she wants to stop seeing me, then kisses me straight after. It’s a complete head-fuck.

Yeah. You’re getting. It’s like you’re basically getting pissed off at the weather report doesn’t match what you expect. That’s ridiculous. The women are chaos. Feminine energy is chaos. It’s like Mother Nature. It’s never what you expect. You just got to accept it. Love is allowing, after all. And you’re not allowing her to come to you at her pace. You’re getting all butthurt at these things that she says. It’s just it’s irrelevant.

She says I’m perfect for her, but the imperfections of my family and the differences in our cultures and our levels of religiosity make her not want to marry me.

Again. That’s just what she says. But she’s still coming over fucking you.

Without that, she doesn’t see a future and wants to break up.

Yet she’s still fucking you. She’s not breaking up with you if she’s chasing you. She’s not getting rid of you any more than she can sit down and stand up at the same time. That’s just a fact of life.

I say that’s a bad idea, because we get along so well and have a strong bond – which we really do Corey. She adores me, is around me all the time, and was showing interest in the 9s and 10’s.

No she wasn’t. She never got there.

But now is in the 7s and 6s.

I would say it’s always been in the 7 to 8 range. Sometimes it’s six.

We still make love, and I give her plenty of orgasms. It’s just, when we talk about breaking up I disagree and she doesn’t persist. She goes back to hugging and kissing me sadly. 

Women vote with their feet. If she’s with you, guess what? She voted for you, bro.

It’s my birthday on the 26th of April, and she came to ask me what to do because “she wasn’t sure where we stood”. As your alpha, I said – I’m doing this, and I’d love you to come, if not no worries. Are you coming? And she said yeah. 

Its an absolute head-fuck of a situation.

We’re still hooking up. I don’t know what to do.

Biggest regards,

Bob

Keep hooking up. Allow her to come to you. This is so easy, bro. This is such an easy case. You should be able to sleepwalk into getting married. But don’t ever talk about it. Don’t ever bring it up again. Just be amused. Tease her. And when she’s confused about that just say, “you’re so cute. I love watching you vacillate back and forth, but the bottom line is deep down you can’t wait to marry me. And I don’t care if it’s ten years from now or whatever. I’m all good. We can take our time, babe.” “Oh, I think we need to break up.”

“No you don’t. You don’t want to break up with me. You know what it is. You’re just mad. You’re that. You’re so into me. You’re so drawn to me. You find me so sexy, so handsome, so charming. You just can’t keep your hands off of me. It’s probably because everybody you know doesn’t have a man in their lives as awesome as me. And I can understand that. It’s like you probably think I’m too good to be true, but, you know, you won the lottery. You you knocked it out of the park when you met me. So you should be grateful. You should enjoy it. You should apologize for talking about breaking up with me, because that’s not what you really want to do. Yes, it is like, no it’s not. You’re still here. And by the way, you look so cute.”

That’s the attitude. It’s again, this is such an easy thing to solve, bro.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.