Self-Talk & What It Reveals

Jan 13, 2016 by Coach Corey Wayne

FrustrationWhy self-talk and paying attention to how a person talks about themselves reveals their model of the world, how they view themselves and how they are most likely to interact with and treat you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who recently got friend-zoned by a guy she had been casually dating for most of the past year. His previous girlfriend had cheated on him, and it obviously left him jaded to the point he had a hard time trusting in his relationships. He constantly used this as one of his excuses as to why he did not want a relationship or to become exclusive with her. She decided to not pressure him and just see how things go.

Back in October, she found out he was texting another woman, and when she confronted him about it, he friend-zoned her. She has now stopped all contact with him and told him she is not interested in being friends. She asks my opinion on whether or not to give him another chance if he comes back, or if she should walk away for good. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.

Hi CW,

I’ve been watching your videos on YouTube and have really been learning a lot from them. THANK YOU. Most of your videos are geared towards men. I am a woman. I was wondering, can you or will you ever write a book geared towards helping women too? iStock_000075300875_Small (Possibly some day. However, men are the ones who need the most help. There’s a serious shortage of alpha males and alpha females running shit around the world. If you’re a woman, you can read my book and it will help you understand human behavior and what you’re naturally inclined to do as a woman, so you don’t become emotionally hijacked by a situation. It will save you a tremendous amount of heartbreak down the road.) I think that would be amazing. I WOULD BUY IT!!!! And read it!!!! I just ordered a hard copy of your current book, but have not yet received it. Even though it seems to be geared towards men, I’m going to read it anyway. I can’t wait!!! (Awesome. The answers are coming. They’re in the book.)

My situation is this… I started dating a guy back in March, 2015. In the first couple of months, we were getting along very well. Then he springs it on me that he doesn’t want a serious commitment. He confused me, because his actions were the opposite! relationship problems I stayed with it, because I just thought, since we had a strong bond with each other, it would improve. (You gave him the benefit of the doubt.) The ‘relationship’ or ‘bond,’ or whatever I thought it was, continued until now, with texting and calling every day and seeing each other once maybe twice a week. (That tells me you spent too much time chit chatting on the phone and not enough time in person.) He told me he had been hurt very badly a few years ago. (This is where it’s important to listen to this guy’s self talk. This is his model of the world. You’re basically dealing with the ghost of his and another woman’s relationship.) He got cheated on and was depressed and upset over it for a year. He told me he hates the word “Love,” he doesn’t believe in it and never wants to get married nor have children! (The average person thinks they can fix somebody like this.)

Anyhow, about 2 weeks ago we were at a Halloween party, and I saw on his phone that he received a sexy text from another girl. (Like attracts like. Once a cheater, always a cheater.) I was devastated. I confronted him, and he divulged to me that it was a recent girl he met that taught him how to speak Spanish. He has now friend zoned me. Problems in relationships I don’t know what to do. (Let him go.) I suppose I should just walk away. (And never look back.) I’m not sure I can ‘trust’ him, (You absolutely cannot trust him. He’s jaded and thinks all women are going to cheat. If he believes that’s the way people are, then that’s his nature. He’s a liar and a cheater as well), but then I think, well, if we didn’t have a proper commitment or exclusive relationship, then maybe it wasn’t cheating. (Current events form future trends. He doesn’t have the same goals and values as you. He’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits or open relationship kind of guy. The only way it’s going to work long term is if you have the same goals and standards.) Perhaps I thought it was more than it was? I’m really lost now. I cannot be just ‘friends,’ so I followed your advice of what you say in your videos and just stopped contact!

Help! Should I just walk away for good? (Absolutely. This guy has told you everything you need to know about him. He is not capable of a relationship right now.) Thanks for all your cool videos!!!

All the best,

Jessica

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“You should always listen to and pay attention to how people talk about themselves and what they have to say about how they view the world and life. People will always act consistently and behave in ways that are consistent with who they view themselves to be, despite whether or not that view is accurate. Dishonest people tend to think everyone is dishonest, and this justifies their continued dishonesty. Cheaters tend to think everyone cheats, and this justifies their continued infidelity. Everyone has flaws, shortcomings, weird idiosyncrasies and personality quirks. No matter whom we choose to spend our time with, we’re going to be spending it with people who have flaws. The key is to make sure you only spend your time with people who share the same goals, values and standards as yourself. You are and you become who you associate with. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on January 13, 2016

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Hi Corey,

    I am confused by this email. Didn’t you say it was good for us guys to have more than one option which is what this guy is doing? Then why is he a cheater? They weren’t exclusively in a relationship.

  2. Just wanted to chime in a big “Amen” on the first 20 minutes of this video! Glad someone else sees things this way. My family’s been here since the beginning – 1620’s in New England, and I’m proud of what has been built. Don’t understand those who are ashamed of our country and its roots and foundation.

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