Why you should always be direct, decisive and set definite dates when women you are, or were dating, reach out to you after they have been cold and distant, or had previously disappeared from your life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started seeing his ex-girlfriend from two years ago. At first, things were all about having fun together. She would reach out to him, and then he would set dates that could lead to sex at his place or hers, but once he started to fall for her again, he started to pursue her more and more until he literally chased her away by pursuing too much. She would start ignoring his phone calls or texts, or take a long time to respond to them. Then he would back off, and she would start reaching out to him again. Recently, he had backed off and had been waiting to hear from her. However, instead of making dates when she reached out to him, he either ignored her messages, or told her to call him when she figured out her schedule. Since he had not read my book 10-15 times, he did not know the fundamentals of what I teach very well. Therefore, when she reached out, he gave confused and improper responses that made her feel like he didn’t give a damn about her. After a week went by, he reached out again and it’s obvious she was still pissed off at him, so he writes in asking me what his next move should be to turn things around and recover from these blunders.
First off, you’re the best!!! ALMOST finished reading your book for the first time now, and you’ve showed me so much I’m doing wrong already!
Troubles in paradise…Since 2.5 months ago, I started seeing my 22 y/o ex-girlfriend from two years ago. It was all about fun. Somewhere along the way, she already started talking about living together and stuff. I really love spending time with her, but limited the get-togethers to once a week. She lives about an hour drive away. She was always the one pursuing me, but as my interest level grew, I started chasing her more. That took no longer than 4-6 days, because as I noticed this drove her away, ignoring my calls, I backed off immediately. Not speaking to her at all during the weekend, before she would contact multiple times a day, (She went cold and he did the right thing by backing off, but this is really happening because he hasn’t read my book 10-15 times to really know how to apply the principles I teach.) She texted on Monday, “Sorry for being absent, got a lot of stuff on my mind, and it’s all going fast for me. I’m really crazy about you actually, but something is emotionally blocking me. (He’s re-attracting an ex, so in her mind she’s feeling like it’s effortless but she remembers how things ended previously. That is why she should come to the conclusion she wants to see you more and more. Don’t force it.) Sorry for not involving or texting you more ;-)” After seeing many of your videos, I reacted indifferent, “Hey, no problem babe. When you figure it out, just call me and we’ll set a date. I’ll try and cook you your favorite meal, and we can cuddle under the blanket you got me last week ;-)” Response, “Oh okay.” (Dating should be like a game of tennis, but you didn’t return the ball over the net. When she reached out, you should have tried to make a date instead of being indifferent.)
After a week without contact, I texted her on Monday to see if she wanted to go out and eat this Thursday. “Are you serious?! I’m sorry, but that last text you sent me really hurt my feelings!” (When she reached out, he gave her an indifferent response, making her feel like he was blowing her off.) This caught me completely off-guard. I explained it was not meant negatively. “Hmm, well I’ll think about it”, to which I replied, “Sure take your time and text me so we can set a fun date when you’re ready,” which aggravated her more, saying “You just push me away, and I have to text you?? That’s just stupid!!” I briefly tried explaining my good intentions, but she turned off her phone. (She is reacting emotionally to this situation and not thinking rationally.)
I decided to take the hour drive over to her the following day, to go and break down the wall she put up. (She pushes him away, and then he runs after her, which makes him look weak.) I did text her I was coming over, to which I obviously got a negative response. I took the drive anyway, and she left her house saying she had to work, which simply isn’t true. Sitting in my car in front of her house, I texted for a while making clear I understand why she was hurt, and I apologize for not being more considerate before sending the text. She told me to leave, saying it was rude to just come over unannounced, and she can’t even look at me right now. I jokingly said, if I’d asked, she would’ve turned me down anyway. Not amused, “You’re going all wrong about this. I’m in a different stage now for talking. You’ll hear from me when I’m ready,” she said. (You’re giving your power away, and she doesn’t like it.) After her constant insisting, I decided to leave after 25 minutes. I wasn’t going to stay outside begging for an hour.
So, what now, coach? (Absolutely nothing. Walk, never look back, assume it’s over and that you’re never going to hear from her again. If she ever reaches out in the future, try to make a date at your place.)
My response to his email:
As I teach in my book, when a woman reaches out to you, you should assume that she wants to see you. Make a date, hang out, have fun, and hook up. She reached out to you, and then you blew her off telling her to call you when her schedule was free. WTF??? You are supposed to back off and wait to hear from her when she goes cold. When she reaches out you, assume she wants to see you and set a date. Your lack of knowing my book and not reading it 10-15 times caused you to make unnecessary mistakes.
On top of that, you told her to call you. Then, when you did not hear from her for a week, you reached out again. You were not congruent with your words. Then you went into creepy stalker mode, sent multiple texts, and showed up at her place. What did you expect was going to happen? Come on man! Now she has told you that she will get in touch when she is ready to talk. Be patient, and wait for her to do that. If she does reach out, you make a date at your place. Hangout, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. In the meantime, you should be dating other women and moving on with your life as if it’s over and you will never hear from her again. She has to be willing to make the effort. She is not at the present time.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Since feminine energy is about bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, nurturing, being close, etc., when a woman feels safe and comfortable with a man, and as her attraction for him grows, she will naturally and instinctively call, text, email and reach out to him more than he does to her in order to deepen their connection and emotional bonding. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Therefore, when a woman reaches out to a man, he should assume that she wants to see him and make a date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. A man should focus on creating a great date, i.e: a fun-filled, romantic opportunity for sex to happen, and leave the relationship and commitment talk for a woman to bring up when she is emotionally ready for it to happen. When a woman reaches out to a man and he is cold, rude, indifferent, doesn’t make a date, etc., she will start to feel like he does not care about her anymore. This will cause her to feel hurt, rejected, and undesirable to him. Women don’t want responsibility for making dates or making plans, but what they will do is contact the men they are interested in, in hopes that they will feel the same and want to see them by being direct, decisive, and making a definite date. Men should treasure, and show their appreciation for women who reach out to them first by making dates to see them. This will grow their attraction, and cause them to reach out even more frequently. That’s how a relationship will effortlessly and naturally blossom.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne