Setting Boundaries The Right Way Regarding Her Male Friends

How & when to set boundaries with a woman you are dating regarding her male friends.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who asks how to set boundaries the right way and when they should be brought up, especially regarding a woman’s male friends who she sees socially.

He brings up a hypothetical situation where he is dating a woman for a few weeks who mentions a male friend she spends time with and if he should bring up setting a boundary even though they are not in a relationship yet, or if it’s better to wait until she brings up being in a relationship with him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

“Oh hey, you don’t have to worry about that guy. He’s just a friend.”

So I got an email from this particular guy. I guess he’s been dating a girl for a few weeks. In their conversations, she talks about guys that are her male friends that she hangs out with. So he’s thinking down the road as things progress. She has all these guy friends. What happens when she brings up a relationship? He’s also thinking, “Well, should I bring this up with her now? Should I wait till she brings up to the relationship, or should I just keep my mouth shut?” So he brings up some good points. “Like when? When do you bring these things up? When do you bring the boundaries up?” Because he’s obviously looking at the situation from the fact that once he gets into a relationship, what happens with all these guys that are male friends that, “Hey, you don’t have to worry about him, he’s just a friend.” When do you bring these things up? So he brought up some good points.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach, 

Truly appreciate your guidance. I have a general question not linked to a situation.

Well, I think it kind of is linked to a situation, but we’ll just act like he’s saying a hypothetical.

Simply, when do you set boundaries and how to do it?

The short answer, setting boundaries is something you need to do pretty much in all of your relationships. Your parents, your friends, your family, your coworkers, your significant other, your kids, your friend’s kids. When somebody is violating yourself, violating your dignity, or just breaking your shit or handling your things in a way that shows they might not care as much about it as you do, then you need to let them know in a loving and kind way. If someone’s not treating you properly, then you also have to let them know that what they’re doing is not appropriate, and you would appreciate it if they would treat you how you want to be treated. Whatever you tolerate, you’re going to invite more of.

If you’re around people that are verbally harsh to you and you just continue putting up with it, then the other person thinks that this is OK and they’ll do it more. So that’s why you have to set and sometimes enforce the healthy boundaries. Setting the boundaries is basically saying, “Hey, these are my standards of how I expect to be treated.” Therefore if they continue to violate that boundary, it shows that they don’t respect you, they don’t respect what’s important to you.

Obviously they’re not doing things in a way that shows that they care about you or your needs, your wants, your desires, or your code of conduct, if you will. In that case, if they violate your boundaries, then you got to enforce it, meaning that you got to create distance between them and you. Sometimes it may entail having a family member that’s treating you inappropriately, or what would oftentimes happen when you mix families together, meaning that you have your girlfriend or your wife, and then you introduce her to your family, or you spend time with her and your family, invariably, sometimes you’re going to have people in your family or your peer group that just aren’t going to like who you’ve chosen to be with.

The most important thing is that you and your relationship with your significant other needs to come first before your family, even before your kids, because if you and your significant other can be divided against each other, then you’re going to have a real hard time keeping your family together, keeping your girl having respect for you. If you don’t stand up for her, if you let your parents abuse her, your sister, your aunt or whatever, and you just let it happen, she’s not going to feel safe. She’s not going to trust your masculine core, and what’s going to happen? She’s going to be less interested in sex and intimacy, and she’s going to typically become crankier because she doesn’t feel safe.

There’s many instances where you’re going to have to set and enforce the healthy boundaries. With that in mind, he’s got a pretty short email here, but he brings up a good point. It’s like, when do you say something? The other thing is you’re in the vetting process. Remember, people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. The smart thing to do is to create the conditions where the other person thinks that you trust them, because if they think you trust them, then they’re going to tend to let their guard down and kind of let the real them come to the forefront much quicker than they would have.

So you got to kind of think of yourself like Sherlock Holmes. You’re just gathering data for your analysis. As an old friend of mine used to say, when he was learning this stuff and figuring out why women would choose to stay with one guy versus another. Once you have all that data, then you can make an informed and intelligent decision, especially once she brings up the topic of exclusivity.

If there’s things that you don’t like and then she says, “Hey, where is this going? Are you dating anybody else or are you sleeping with anybody else? If you’re dating other people, I’d be really upset if you were sleeping with any of them.” Then you get into a conversation and come to find out she really wants to be in a relationship.

You’ve heard all of these stories, like, in this case, all these dudes, these friends that are in her life. When it comes up, then you’ve gathered all his data. There may be things in our life that you don’t like. Maybe she’s got an obnoxious friend or somebody that does things inappropriate, or just certain people you don’t like. In this case, if she’s got a lot of male friends, how do you handle that? Simply, when do you set boundaries and how to do it?

Do you set boundaries at the first sign of an issue even if you’re still in the dating phase? For example, if you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks and they mention they went out with a male friend, would you tell the person that if they want a relationship with you then one of your boundaries is that they don’t meet out with male friends to intimate places. Or, should you play it cool in this case and wait to state all your boundaries once the person mentions a relationship?

Well, in this particular case, especially with other guys, like I was saying a minute ago, you’re just kind of gathering data for your analysis. So she’s like, “Hey, I want you to be exclusive with me. I want you to be in a relationship,” and you have this discussion and maybe she’s kind of dancing around it. Then you just go, “Are you saying you want to be boyfriend girlfriend? You want to be exclusive?” And she says “Yes,” then it’s always better to ask a question, because whoever is asking the questions is the one running the conversation.

So you can say, “All right well, what does exclusivity look to you? What about other people? What about other women? What about other women I know? What about exes? What about female coworkers? How do you feel about that? Because you’ve mentioned several guys over the last couple of months that we’ve been dating, that you’re friends with, and you go and you do things socially one-on-one with them. From my perspective, if you’re going to want me to be exclusive with you, then there has to be some boundaries around that. If I’m going to be exclusive in a relationship and exclusive sexually with you, then you’re not going to do things that give other male friends that probably are carrying the torch for you the opportunity to try to hit on you or to try to date you.”

In other words, “If we’re in a relationship and somebody slides into your DMs or a guy asks you out, you say, ‘Hey, I have a boyfriend, I’m in a relationship and this is not appropriate,’ and you going to shut it down right away, or are you going to egg them on because you enjoy the attention?” A lady in a relationship that has asked her man to be exclusive with her is not going to go out and do things one-on-one with guys that aren’t her male relatives, she’s not going to go to a 9 p.m. dinner one-on-one with her boss, or that male friend from the office that’s always had the crush on her, or even a guy she may have known most of her life as a kid.

The reality is, men are not going to just strictly be friends in most cases. Almost 100% of the cases with a really attractive girl, typically the guy is just hoping to get his chance with her. That’s the harsh reality. It might not necessarily be that we don’t trust the woman, but we know how guys are, because if guys get a few drinks in them and they want to smash, they’re not going to care if the woman is married, in a relationship or has a boyfriend. They’re just not going to care. They’re still going to go for it.

The point being is the lady is not going to put herself in that position where the guy is going to think he’s got the green light to hit on her. You’re not going to be giving out your number to guys that are hitting on you and say, “OK well, we can be just friends because I have a boyfriend. You’re not going to do things like that. You’re just going to say, ‘I have a boyfriend. It’s inappropriate.'” That’s what a lady does.

A woman that respects her man, respects her relationship, fears losing him really highly, values a guy, is not going to give other men the green light to hit on her or spend time with her. She’s just not going to do those things and vice versa. “If I’m committing to you, I’m not going to go hang out with the hot single secretary that already let me know she has a crush on me from the office and go have drinks with her late at night, or go to the club with her. I’m not going to do those things because I’m a gentleman and I keep my commitments, and I would never do something like that,” because I wouldn’t want to create this situation where the girl thinks she’s got a chance with me.

Plus, you never know who you’re going to run into in public. If I’m hanging out with a girl other than my wife or my girlfriend, what if my wife’s, her girlfriend’s parents, relatives or her brother sees us out? Then what? So you’re just not going to do those things. That’s the time to have that discussion.

You got to think of it in terms of this as a negotiation. You’re negotiating the terms of your being willing to be exclusive and become her boyfriend because she has brought it up. There are some conditions with that. “These are my conditions. All those dudes that your male friends, you shouldn’t be texting with them late at night. It needs to be platonic. That means, in professional, it’s strictly during the day. If we’re hanging out and we’re on a date at 9:00 p.m. at night and one of your male friends is texting you, ‘Hey, what are you doing?’ I expect you to be giving me your full, undivided attention at our dinner date. Not texting some male dude that’s carrying a torch and hoping someday that he’s going to get a get a chance to sleep with you.” So simple things like that.

That’s when you bring these things up because she’s saying, “Hey, I want you all to myself.” It’s like, “OK well, here’s my conditions for you having me all to yourself.”

For me it would be hard if someone did something I didn’t like and mentioned it to me without me saying anything even if we weren’t officially together yet. I think it might set a bad example that I’m okay with that once they eventually do ask for a relationship. 

If you can give advice, I’d really appreciate it. I think many of your viewers have this question as the book doesn’t specifically cover setting the right boundaries and when it’s right to set them. 

Respectfully

Bob

No, because at that point you’re just checking them out, you’re vetting them, you’re trying to see who they are, what they’re all about. “Does this person seem to value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity? What are her friends like? Is she hanging out with a bunch of single girls, or is she hanging out with a bunch of girls that are in relationships, but they’re cheating on their significant other and wanting to go to the club and basically acting like they’re single, even though they’re in a relationship?” You are who you associate with.

Again, if you’re only a few weeks in and you start behaving this way, then she’ll start hiding things from you again. It’s much better for her to think that you’re totally cool, because you don’t have to agree to anything if you’re just kind of casually dating and hooking up, you’re just kind of friends with benefits, meaning you can date other women, sleep with them, and she can date other guys and sleep with them. For her to want you all to herself, there’s got to be some conditions. After a couple of months of dating, you should have enough info on her to determine whether or not she’d be a good candidate for that and judge her character properly. If you make a bad choice, that’s on you. You’re the one that let her into your life.

Like I was saying, it’s just better if you wait until she brings up the exclusivity talk, because then you’ve had time to gather all your information and your data together and kind of see how she is over the course of a couple of months. Does she keep her word? Does she show up on time? Does she respect you? Does she respect your authority? Is she a good communicator? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with, or does she always have some kind of drama going on in her life with her friends or family? Always some kind of conflict going on.

Whenever you get together, you spend the first hour or so of your time together listening to her, share what the latest update is on some drama with somebody else in her life. I’ve always preferred easygoing, easy to get along with because life is hard enough. There’s enough difficult things that are going to happen to us in life to put up with somebody that’s just kind of acting like a ratchet. That’s especially around this particular issue. That’s the best time to bring it up.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.