Setting Boundaries With My Girlfriend’s Childhood Male Orbiters

How & when to set boundaries with your girlfriend’s childhood male orbiters.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from 24 year old viewer who has been dating his 20 year old girlfriend for a few months. Things are going really well between them. However, she has a male childhood friend from India who she wants to fly to New York to see when he comes to the US at some point in the future. He doesn’t feel it’s appropriate for them to be doing this now that they’re exclusive. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Setting Boundaries With My Girlfriend’s Childhood Male Orbiters.”

Well, this particular emailer, he’s 24, and he’s been dating his 20 year old girlfriend, who’s actually from India. I guess her and her father moved here about three years ago to the States. So they’ve been together for a few months, I guess close to three months now. He says things are going really well. However, she’s got a male childhood friend back in India who at some point in the future plans to go to New York for vacation, and she wants to fly there by herself to meet him. And so now he’s in an exclusive relationship that’s kind of inappropriate. So he’s like, “what should I do? How should I handle this? What should I say?”

Because obviously, any normal, rational human being would think you’re going to fly to another state. To meet your friend from back home, your childhood friend, just the two of you? Anybody on the outside looking in would think that looks like a date. It’s like, what’s that all about? So when you respect your relationship, you’re just not going to do things that could potentially give the impression that something is going on that’s inappropriate. So let’s go through his email.

And oh, by the way, today’s Monday and we’re doing a live stream today at 2 p.m. Eastern to 4 p.m. with myself and the girls, because this is a short week with the 4th of July coming up. And so we’re and then everybody’s traveling and stuff. So we’re just going to do one live stream this week. Normally we do Thursdays and Fridays, Thursdays from 2 to 4 p.m., Fridays from 1 to 3 p.m..

And so this week we’re just going to have the one live stream because of the holidays. So if you guys got questions, things you want to ask Chunky, myself and the girls, whether it’s the book or things going on in the world or whatever happens to be, on YouTube, if you go to the homepage, my YouTube Channel @CoachCoreyWayne. Just click the “live” tab, and then you’ll just click on the appropriate upcoming live stream and tune in and you can post your questions in the chat. You can do super chats. And hopefully we’ll see you there.

So let’s get on with our email here, or back to our email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I’m 24 and I’m on my 13th read of 3% Man. My girlfriend is 20 and we became official a month ago after 8 weeks of dating. So far, she has been easy going, easy to get along with, and has a great relationship with her dad who is the leader of the household.

Or so he says.

She has also started bringing me gifts in the last few weeks.

Well, that’s a plus.

And talks about how much she enjoys gift-giving in general.

Well, that might be her love language. If you guys have read Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages”.

Everything has been textbook through this point. I am from Florida, and my girlfriend moved here from India three years ago, so there are some cultural differences. She keeps in contact with many of her friends from back home, some of whom are guys.  Here’s where I need advice: There is one friend of hers in particular who she’s known since she was very young. Before her and I met, they traveled together and would also hang out one on one occasionally.

When they’re both single, it’s like, who cares? But when you’re in a relationship, it’s kind of inappropriate. It’s like me calling my old high school buddies, and I’m, because I know them, I know their wives. We all grew up together, and inviting the wife to meet me in another state. Especially me doing what I do they’re instantly going to think, oh, you’re trying to fuck my wife.

It’s just, you’re not going to do things like that. And so typically what I do, because we all know each other is like whether it’s Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthday’s, holiday’s, is I’m sending texts to both of them at the same time. Just because that’s the appropriate thing to do. It’s the mature thing to do. It’s quite frankly, common sense.

She has also expressed interest in traveling up to see him in New York City at some point in the future. 

Well, is she going to bring you or not?

For reference, I am her first boyfriend, and she swears she’s never had any kind of romantic relationship with this guy, but how would you approach the situation if she wants to hang out with him one on one?

Well, has the guy ever tried to hit on her? Does he have a crush on her? Has he been carrying the torch for her for all these years? Those would be things I would ask. So just because she didn’t have a relationship doesn’t mean that he hasn’t tried to date her and she didn’t want to. I’d probably want to know those things. So the dogs are going crazy out there. So in a situation like this and again, this is just common sense. You shouldn’t be doing these things.

Particularly if she brings up going to visit him in NYC? I know her friendships from back home in India are important, but I feel the one on one visits are inappropriate now that we are exclusive.

I would agree.

Any advice on how to approach this tactfully would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your work.

Bob

Well, next time you’re laying in bed naked together, after you just made love, I would bring this up. I mean, I wouldn’t really have to talk about it, or I wouldn’t even talk about it, because it just says at some point in the future, she plans to meet him. But if she brings it up again, or next time it comes up, just say, hey, we’re in an exclusive relationship. And at this point it would be inappropriate for you to meet him one on one unless I’m there. I wouldn’t fly across the country to hang out with a girl I grew up with one on one, get hotels together and stuff like that.

And you just trust that there’s nothing going to go on. Especially if she always had a crush on me and wanted to date me, but I didn’t want to date her. Nobody would be like, why would you want to do that? Why would you want to put yourself in a position where something like that can happen? I mean, again, this should be common sense. But again, this girl is 20. Maybe she never really thought about it. If I was a betting man, I’d say more than likely the guy from India is probably a beta male and has always had the hots for, is probably secretly in love with her, and wants to date her.

Just strictly platonic between the two of them, I find that hard to believe. There’s usually somebody is carrying the torch for somebody else, and more than likely it’s the dude carrying the torch for your girl. So it’s, you know, when it comes up, it’s just, you know, why? If she really, truly loves you, she’s going to want you to come to New York with her so you can meet her friend. But if she doesn’t want you to go and wants to go and hang out with him one on one, that’s inappropriate. If she expects you to be exclusive and monogamous with her, she can’t be going and hanging out and going to dinners with her male boss at 10:00 at night, or having drinks with the single guy from the office one on one.

Again, a lady does not do those things out of respect for her significant other. It’s just not appropriate. And so you are totally in the right to be going, hey, this ain’t right. So that’s what I would say to her. That’s like, if she wants you to be exclusive, then there are boundaries. It’s just you’re not going to go one on one, hang out with a girl, and she’s not going to go one on one and hang out with a guy. Doesn’t matter whether you work together or you were childhood friends or your next door neighbors or they’re somebody else’s significant other. You just, it’s inappropriate to do those things. If both people are single, then who cares? But when one of you is in a relationship, or even both for that matter, it’s just it’s not appropriate. Your significant other should be with you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

And if you haven’t already, sign up for our Exclusive Paying Members Only Content in the video description of this video there are links to join on Spotify, or you can join on YouTube or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the products tab. So in the in the video description, you can click the link to go to the website.

You can do a seven day free trial to check out what content you get for your money. Or if you choose, or just go to the website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Click the “plans” tab when you get there. And if you choose an annual plan, you get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So maybe we’ll see you guys on a live stream today. If not, maybe a future live stream. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.