Setting Boundaries Without Looking Weak or Insecure

How to set & enforce boundaries without looking weak or insecure.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he struggles to address difficult relationship topics. He’s worried about looking weak, jealous or insecure when bringing up things his girlfriend does that he doesn’t like.

She has some male orbiters who she texts with and he wants it to stop. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So I’ve got an email here. Actually, what’s interesting is I got two emails from two people with the same name. They had different email addresses. However, it almost looks like it’s the same scenario, but the second one’s like a completely zeroed in specifics to this scenario. At the end of the day, they’re both good emails and it could be two different dudes with exactly the same problem with just slight differences. So I thought I’d put them both into the video newsletter. I think it’s the same guy. Maybe he’s doing it hoping that I’ll see it, but it’s like one after another. They came in like 20 minutes apart, but sometimes that happens and the guys are on different parts of the globe and they have a very similar situation. It’s always interesting how that works, but like I said, if I’m a betting man, I would say it’s probably from the same guy. It’s just the second one’s a lot more specific to really the issue that really bothers him or a specific situation that’s bothering him.

So at least in the first email, if it is a different guy, he says he struggles to address difficult relationship topics, having those unpleasant conversations. He’s really worried about looking weak, jealous, and insecure. In other words, when his girlfriend does something he doesn’t like, he has a hard time bringing it up. So when he was talking to her, or I assume she was probably bringing up the topic of becoming exclusive, he laid out his terms. He’s like, “No male orbiters, no meeting male friends one-on-one, no hanging out with exes one-on-one,” things of that nature. “Giving out your number to new guys,” that kind of thing. Men don’t want to be your friend. They want to get in your pants, especially if the girl you’re dating is hot and the girl is either naive and inexperienced, or she’s just devious and expects you to think it’s OK to go hang out one-on-one with her male co-workers who are single.

So at the end of the day, a guy does not stay friends with a hot girl unless he’s gay or maybe they grew up together and he’s got a girlfriend or a wife, but typically the guys are trying to create something, hoping to get an opening to where they can give her the meat missile. So a loyal, family-oriented woman is just not giving out her number. She’s not going to be meeting dudes one-on-one. She’s not going to be texting all day long with male orbiters and stuff like that just because again, it’s disrespectful to your relationship and your partner. Anytime a woman engages flirtation or whatever texts back and forth, the guy on the other end is going to think he’s got a chance, and if he thinks he’s got a chance, he’s gonna basically continually try to be seducing your girl.

So this is just how the world operates. If your girl wants you to be your boyfriend and commit to only be with her, date her, and be monogamous and exclusive, she’s never going to do anything that invites attention from other men or causes other men to think they got a chance. So giving out her phone number when she’s in a relationship, the guy, even if she says, “Oh well, I have a boyfriend. I’m married,” yet she still gives the number, the guy’s gonna think he’s got a shot, “Oh, she’s probably really not that happy.” Again, a loyal woman’s just gonna be like, “No, I can’t. I’m married. I’m in a relationship,” and she’s just not going to do it. If a male orbiter, a guy that always kind of liked her, is kind of teasing and playing and being playful, she’s gonna respond or heart the message. She’s just not going to give it anywhere to go and the guy’s going to quickly learn that she’s not really interested. She’s not going to entertain it. Again, you give a guy an opening and he’s going to persist because he’s going to think he’s got a chance. So that’s the overall mindset that us guys, most of us guys, I should say understand.

So if you’re having this conversation with a woman, you got to be explaining these things. You give out your number to a guy, like one of the second emails, like she’s giving out the number to a guy she’s working out with and, I forget what it was called, Hydrox or something like that. I don’t know if it’s like an Orange Theory or kind of thing, or a blend of like CrossFit type of stuff. At the end of the day, she’s working out with this guy because he’s at her level type of thing. So he sees a name from a male pop up in her phone he hasn’t seen before and he’s like, “Alright, when do I bring this up? Because I don’t really like that. I don’t be sitting at home on the couch with my girlfriend at 9:00 at night and some dude that she works out with who’s not gay and is single, is texting her or trying to joke around with her.” It’s like the only reason a guy’s doing that is he’s trying to flirt with her and see if there’s an opening. That’s the bottom line.

A loyal woman’s just going to let him know, “Hey, I’m sitting here with my boyfriend. Can’t chat right now. I’ll see you at the gym tomorrow,” or something like that. That’s what a a loyal woman is gonna say. If he keeps persisting, she’s like, “Hey, it’s kind of disrespectful. Unless it’s something to do with our workouts or coordinating, it’s kind of inappropriate for you to be texting me at 9:00, 10:00 at night, sending me memes or joking. I appreciate your sense of humor, but I’m in a relationship and it’s just disrespectful to my relationship to be joking and teasing and being playful with another guy when I’m sitting next to my significant other.”

So again, a good loyal woman’s gonna put a dude in his place if he’s overstepping the line, and he’ll respect it. So with that in mind, let’s go through the email and see the specifics and how to tactfully say it and also when to bring it up.

First Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I have a new girlfriend that I met in January, but I still struggle a bit when it comes to addressing difficult relationship topics. This question is not just about this specific situation, but more generally: How and when should a man bring up things in a relationship that he doesn’t like or feels uncomfortable with?

Well, the other thing, as I was contemplating when I was writing these is like if, say you’re parents and you got like an eight or a 10-year-old, what is the appropriate contact with your eight and 10-year-old with the outside world? What about their kids, their friends in the neighborhood, or some strange dude on Facebook? It’s like, obviously some adult on Facebook is trying to contact your eight or a 10-year-old kid. As a parent, you’re like, “That’s not OK.” You’re not going to allow your child to invite that, and you’re not going to allow that guy to interact with them. It’s kind of the same thing when you’re in a relationship. Your girl should not be opening invitations for other men who are heterosexual and single or even married, but unhappy ,to basically think they got a chance of getting in her pants. So it’s just that stuff needs to be nipped in the bud. It should be a non-issue.

As a man, you want to come home to peace. You don’t want to come home to a girl where you’re constantly questioning if she’s doing the right or the wrong thing, or doing shit behind your back, because you don’t want to be sleeping with one eye open. It’s annoying and irritating. At the end of the day, if you’re following what I teach, the girl is convincing you why you should commit to be her boyfriend, and she’s got a lot of male orbiters or male friends or whatever, and she doesn’t really have boundaries. “If you want me to commit to you, this has to stop. Otherwise we can just be friends with benefits or sex playmates, fuck buddies, but I’m not going to be your boyfriend if you want to continue this behavior with these guys, because every single one of them is going to think that they can get in your pants and you’re going to keep trying. I don’t want to be exclusive and commit to a woman who’s enjoying other men trying to get into her pants, even though we’re supposed to be in a relationship. So that dog won’t hunt. That’s a non-starter for me. So I don’t live that way.”

It’s like, “If that’s how you want to live as a woman, then that’s great, but I’m not going to be your boyfriend. I’m not going to commit to you because those are not the actions of a woman that values loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, family, and things that are important.” That’s just a party girl. A girl to hook up with. Then when you find somebody who values what you value, “Hey, I’ve met somebody else and I’m going to be exclusive with her. So I enjoyed our time together. I wish you all the best.”

Sometimes there are situations where she does something that bothers me, but in the moment I stay silent and only realize later that it actually affected me more than I thought.

Fear and hurt imprison the heart. Hold nothing back and speak from your heart. When it happens, that’s kind of one of the 10 disciplines of love. So if you’re in an exclusive relationship, those are the kind of things that you got to bring it up at the time.

For example, she still has some male “friends” from sports and social events who text her or react to her Instagram stories. During “the talk…”

So this is where they’re basically negotiating the terms of their relationship. He’s basically saying, “Here’s the conditions under which I’ll commit to you and what I expect in return.”

…I told her I don’t want her staying in contact with exes or hanging out one-on-one with guy friends, but I never clearly addressed the texting and orbiters on social media. Looking back, I think that may have been a mistake on my part.

Yeah, well if she’s respected not hanging out, but she’s constantly chit-chatting, texting, and joking around with them, every single one of those dudes is going to think they can get in her pants at some point, and they’re going to keep trying. They’re going to keep sending her memes and trying to make her laugh. Anytime you guys have some bad friction in your relationship or difficult, you’re having some challenges and she’s chit -hatting with these guys, “Oh, I’m not getting along with my boyfriend.” “Oh, well tell me what’s happening.” “He’s a blah blah, blah.” Next thing you know, she’s meeting him out for drinks, but he’s just a friend and you don’t have to worry about him, these conversations with all these male orbiters.

My question is: How do you properly initiate difficult conversations like this without hurting attraction or sounding insecure? Also, when is the best time to bring these things up?

In some of your videos you mention discussing serious topics after sex when both people are relaxed and connected. Is that generally the best approach?

And lastly, would you usually address something as soon as it bothers you, or are there situations where you’d recommend watching and observing her behavior longer before bringing it up?

Thanks for everything you teach. Your work has helped me a lot.

Best,

Bob

Well, the best time to bring it up is the next time she does it. Like, say you’re sitting there in a couch at night, it’s 9:00, 10:00 at night. Maybe you’re watching the boob tube. You’re Netflix and chilling. You’re having a glass of wine and some dude is sending her memes, joking around, or asking about stuff that they’re going to do the next day at the gym or trying to get her to meet him for lunch before they go to the gym or something like that. At the end of the day, if you’re with your girl, it’s 9:00, 10:00 at night, some dude should not be texting her. That should be time for her man and family.

So if somebody’s texting her, it’s like, “Who’s that guy? That’s one of your male orbiters? OK, well I know we talked about this before. I agreed to be exclusive with you and you got to understand what you’re texting with that guy at 9:00 ,when you’re sitting in the couch with me, what that tells him is that there’s potentially an opening that potentially, if he keeps trying, eventually he’s going to be able to get in your pants. Number one, that’s disrespectful to our relationship. It’s disrespectful to me. I’m not going to be here sitting on the couch with you at 10:00 at night or 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning when we’re having breakfast together and some dude is trying to make you laugh and joke around and ask about your day or whatever. It’s like every time you engage with a guy like that, then he’s going to think there’s an opening there and he’s not going to stop until he gets shut down properly.”

“So you need to nip that in the bud. I don’t want to be sitting here at night and these guys think they got a chance with you and every time you joke around with them back, they think they got a chance with you. You wouldn’t like it if you’re trying to have a conversation with me in the couch, and I’m chit-chatting with my hot single secretary from the office who seems to have a crush on me at night, ending me memes, complimenting me, and telling me how amazing I am. You’re not going to like that. So I’m never going to do those things, and I need the same level of respect for you and you committed to that. So you need to tell all these dudes that it’s nice that they can check in, but you have a relationship, and sending you memes at 9:00, 10:00 at night when you’re with your family is inappropriate because you’re a loyal woman and you need to respect the sanctity of the relationship.” Usually that’s enough to get most guys to stop.

So again, the best time is just to bring it up. If she’s doing it and you see that’s some guy and you don’t even know that or recognize the name, if it’s somebody brand new, it’s like, well she gave out her number. It’s like, “So why is this guy texting late at night? If it’s just a gym buddy, they can text during the day, not at night when you’re spending time with your family.” Unless it’s an emergency, like something happened and they’re not going to be able to meet them the next day, that’s understandable, but when they’re sending memes and joking around, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Hey, I’m doing this. I’m doing that. What are you doing?” Trying to converse with her, again, guys trying to flirt, chit-chat, and open her up, she should be shooting that down.

So again, as soon as you see it happen, give her that diatribe. I went on a long diatribe of what’s going on so you can explain it to her properly. So you can let her know what those guys are actually doing. “They don’t want to be your pal. They don’t care about your fucking cookie recipes. They don’t care about yoga routines. They want your fucking pussy. That’s what they want. Ultimately, at the end of the day, they want your pussy or doing anything they can to try to ingratiate themselves to you and you’re allowing it. You want me to commit to you and I committed to you, and you said you wouldn’t do these things, and here you are, giving these guys an opening. I’m disappointed that you would do that. It needs to stop.” So again, that’s when I would bring it up.

So here’s the second one. This guy, it’s like the timeline scene seemed to line up, but again, he’s got a completely different email, but it sounds like a similar situation, but in this one he’s going to zero in on a gym partner.

Second Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been exclusive with my girlfriend for about four months now…

So this is May. This is since January. The other guy started in January. That’s why it seems like the same person and they have the same first name.

…After dating for roughly seven weeks beforehand. She’s heavily involved in Hyrox and trains several times a week in mixed groups and partner workouts, so she naturally meets a lot of people, including men. Early on, I told her I’m not comfortable dating someone who keeps exes around, spends time alone with male friends, or actively entertains attention from other guys.

So that’s the key statement there. It’s like, “You’re actively entertaining attention. We’re sitting here at night. It’s the morning on a weekend. We’re supposed to be spending family time together and some dude is trying to flirt with you because he thinks, because you haven’t shut him down completely, that he can get in your pants at some point. So he can act like he’s just a friend and he’s just goofing around, but at the end of the day, the purpose of his initiating contact with you is because he wants to fuck you and you’re letting him. I don’t like that. It’s disrespectful and you need to knock it off, and you need to tell him to knock it off, to not do that anymore.”

“If it’s something about meeting you for training or workouts, he can text you during the day or during the week, but not at night or on the weekends or when we’re together. That’s just so rude. So if I’m gonna, especially long-term, if I’m gonna have a family with somebody, that shit’s never going to happen. If it’s going to be a continual issue with you, then we’re not going to work out long-term. I won’t have kids with you. I won’t have a family. I’ll eventually leave. I’ll give you a chance to get this stuff right, but if it’s something that just becomes an ongoing problem, that’s not good for our relationship long-term.”

She agreed and seemed understanding about it.

A few days ago, she mentioned she had trained with a guy at a new gym and that they worked really well together because they were at a similar level.

So on some level, at the end of the day, it’s still her way of saying, “Hey, there’s this fit and in shape guy at the gym and I enjoy working out with him.” So that’s like her way of saying, “Hey, well I told you about that guy. It just happened. I just couldn’t say no to him and he was inside me.”

Later that night, I noticed a message notification from a guy whose name I had never seen before, along with the name of that gym. I immediately connected the dots and assumed it was the same guy from training.

What’s throwing me off is that I don’t know whether I’m seeing this clearly or letting my imagination run wild.

So if I see it, I’m like, “Well, who’s that?” I would be like, “Who’s Bob? Who’s Sam? Who’s Dave? Who’s Chad Thundercock, honey? What’s that all about? Why is he texting you at 10:00 at night when we’re sitting here doing kissy-poo?” Then let her tell you. Again, I just went on a couple diatribes explaining this throughout the video. That’s when you bring it up. That looks like disloyal behavior. “At the end of the day, this guy thinks he can get in your pants because you’re texting him at 10:00 at night when you’re sitting here with your boyfriend right next to you. So you need to make it absolutely fucking crystal clear that your’re workout partners and that’s it. He’s not to text you unless it has to do with meeting for workouts. I expect you to handle that. If months later, you don’t really handle that and this kind of behavior continues, I’m gonna start to believe that loyalty is not your thing. In monogamy, you’re not really cut out for it.”

“So again, I committed to you and you committed to me, and you said this wouldn’t happen, but it’s happening.” So this is the kind of thing that when you’re dating is like, “Can I trust my girl or not?” These are the kinds of things that make me go, “No, you can’t trust her.”

Exchanging contact information with a new guy crosses the boundaries we already discussed, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions too quickly since I don’t fully know the situation yet.

So a simple, “Hey, I’m in a relationship. If you’re going to text me about meeting for workouts, that’s fine during the day, but not at 9:00 or 10:00 at night and not sending me memes. So I want you to know I’m very loyal to my significant other. It’s not appropriate for you to be trying to joke around with me at night when I’m in bed with my significant other. You know what I mean?” That kind of thing.

How would you approach something like this?

Well, like I’ve been saying throughout the video.

Would you calmly bring it up right away, or wait and observe more first?

Well again, when you see a dude’s name pop up and you know she has a history of male orbiters, you’d be like, “Well, who’s this guy? And why are you giving out your number to new dudes?” Because a lot of affairs happen. A lot of relationships start with gym partners. A lot of girls fuck their personal trainers. It happens. I have friends that have been personal trainers off and on throughout their life and it’s like one long buffet line of all-you-can-eat pussy.

And if you did address it, what would you actually say to communicate it confidently without sounding controlling or insecure?

Thanks Corey, I appreciate everything you teach.

Best, 

Bob

Well, just like I said throughout the video, that you should nip it in the bud. It’s like she’s either going to behave and respect the boundaries, or you’re going to continually catch her doing it. If she continually does it and then she goes, “Oh, you’re insecure,” he’s like, “No, you’re violating the boundary that you agreed to. So obviously monogamy, loyalty, and exclusivity ain’t your thing. Being family-oriented ain’t your thing. So that tells me everything I need to know about you. There’s no point in me being exclusive with you anymore, because you’re clearly not acting exclusive with me, because you’re constantly giving attention to other men. We’ve had this conversation a few times and you keep doing it. That’s who you are. So thanks for showing me that because now I know what I’m dealing with. Therefore, we need to change the terms of our relationship.”

That would be how, unfortunately, you’d have to address it if they continually violate the boundaries, and you got to be strong enough to walk away, because if a woman continually violates it and yet you keep forgiving her, you’re inviting more of it. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. So nip it in the bud. Next time it happens, bring it up and be like, “That’s got to stop.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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