Setting Relationship Boundaries To Prevent Bad Behavior

The importance of setting healthy boundaries to prevent bad behavior.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s been with his girlfriend for about six months. She’s incredibly insecure and constantly accuses him of disloyal behavior despite displaying none. They’ve had several conversations about this. It’s good for a little while, then she starts with the accusations and drama all over again.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter and the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, Setting Relationship Boundaries To Prevent Bad Behavior, and obviously to prevent any bridezillas from happening, which unfortunately, this particular emailer is doing a really good job of that. He seems like he’s a little too nice. He’s a little too passive when it comes to setting boundaries. Unfortunately, the girl he’s dating, she’s incredibly insecure and she’s constantly accusing him of disloyal behavior despite the fact he’s not displaying any, which you can imagine after a while, this gets extremely tiring having to put up with it.

Also, the other thing you got to consider is we’ve got to remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in the moment. So if you’re dating somebody and they’re constantly accusing you of doing this or doing that, talking to a girl, looking at a girl, thinking about a girl, or fantasizing about a girl, whatever it happens to be, then after a while, you’re going to have to assume they’re projecting what’s inside. They’re actually displaying disloyal behavior and accusing you of that, because the way liars and cheaters think, they act, and they really believe that everybody’s just like them, and given the right circumstances, they would do it too.

So it’s a good email because it shows the importance of, especially early on, when you start to see this kind of behavior, to nip it in the bud, because now he’s six months down the road, he’s just too nice and he puts up with it. She says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Then promises that it’ll stop. Then a few weeks later it starts all over again and then causes fights and drama and he’s just letting this girl kind of walk all over him. You got to nip this stuff in the in the bud when it happens, because when you’re six months to a year down the road, now you’ve trained her to be this way. So it’s a lot harder to enforce the healthy boundaries.

So if a woman treats you right, she gets the gift of your time, which is the greatest gift you can give anybody. If she doesn’t, then she’s going to get the gift of missing you. If she doesn’t change the behavior permanently, then she’ll get the permanent gift of missing you. Women have to know, this is right out of the book, that if they push you too far, you’re going to walk and never look back. If the woman doesn’t fear her bad behavior causing you to leave her, then she’s going to continue to do it just like a child would in a lot of cases, just to see what they can get away with. If you’re soft and you just put up with it like this guy has been doing, then they’re going to do more of it because you’re not really pushing back at the level that you need to be.

So let’s see what we can do to help this guy nip the bridezilla-in-the-making in the bud.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m on my ninth read of 3% Man, and found your work in September 2025. It helped me with dating a lot, though I still have a ways to go before mastering the material. My girlfriend and I are 22, I’ve been with her for six months by now. She’s loyal, caring, and feminine, but recently a pattern has emerged that I can’t ignore.

Here’s what I’ve documented: She guilt-trips me when I say no to anything.

So again, if you can’t just say no and she’s like, “Yes, daddy,” typically it’s obvious she doesn’t respect your authority. More than likely, that means she doesn’t respect her father and she doesn’t respect her father’s authority. If she doesn’t respect her dad, she doesn’t respect men. She doesn’t respect men, she doesn’t respect her dad. No matter how good you are, she’s not going to respect you unless she fears if she doesn’t clean up her act, she’s going to lose you permanently. Remember, women have to know that if they push you too far, you’re going to walk and never look back.

If I can’t see her because of prior plans, I’ll get guilt tripped for that.

That’s when you’re going to say, “Look, stop it! I told you, don’t guilt trip me,” and if she keeps doing it, it’s like, “I’m gonna go. You need to apologize for this. I will talk to you later. Goodbye,” and you just get off the phone. So every time she comes at you with this bullshit, you tell her to stop and you leave the conversation. If you’re on a date at this point, because you’re so far down the road with this, it’s like, “Look, I’ve told you to stop. You’ve agreed to do it, and now you’re doing it again. You’re going back on your word. So apologize or I’m turning the car around and I’m taking you home and I’m going to go do something else.”

She keeps mouthing off to you, then just turn the car around, take her home, say, “I don’t want to hear from you until you’re ready to apologize. You got to convince me that this shit’s never going to happen again, because if you keep doing it, I’m out. I’m going to go find somebody else to date. I’m not going to put up with this shit. It’s ridiculous. You need to grow up. Go get a therapist. Go talk to somebody that can help you with this because I’m tired of you projecting your insecurities onto me and trying to drive me nuts because of it. Go deal with your own neuroses. Get professional help and leave me out of it. I’m done. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

No matter how much reassurance I give, it’s never enough.

Probably she didn’t get enough strokes from mom and dad as a kid.

Sometimes she’ll ask if I still love her repeatedly in the same conversation.

Well, she keeps doing that, it’s like, “Look, if you keep asking me, then that’s going to make me fall out of love with you because it’s unattractive behavior and you need to knock it off.” Again, if she doesn’t stop this, take her home, or if you’re over at her place, say, “I’m going to leave, I’m going to go do something else because you’re just being an ass and we’ve had umpteen conversations about this and you just won’t stop. So you keep doing it, I’m going to end up leaving you, and then you’ll be single and you go find somebody else to drive nuts, because I’m not putting up with it.”

Or, she even says things like, “Are you sure you should be with someone like me?” Or, “You deserve better.

So obviously she knows her behavior is out of line, but you really just haven’t put her in her place. You keep allowing her to back you in a corner and and justify your behavior instead of saying, “No, no, no, this is going to stop today. If you want me to continue to be your boyfriend, this is going to stop,” and you’re never going to bring it up again. Plain and simple.

She has a baseline distrust of me…

Well, she obviously just trusts men in general, or distrusts men in general, I should say.

…Despite me being completely loyal.

Plus it’s insulting. You say, “Look, I’m a loyal guy. I’ve never given you any reason to doubt my loyalty and you didn’t knock it off. If you can’t trust me and you’re constantly accusing me of bad things, number one, it’s insulting, and number two, that tells me you’re probably doing something you shouldn’t be doing. If you’re doing things you shouldn’t be doing, then yeah, I should not be with you because you’re not a loyal woman. Loyal women don’t behave this way. Fucked up girls behave this way. Fix your shit or I’m gonna leave you.” Pretty simple.

I mean, this isn’t the first time it happens. You’re not going to be that brutal, but now we’re six months down the road and she’s driving this guy nuts. So now it’s like, time to rip the band aid off. It’s time to not be nice anymore. Next time she brings this shit up. I’d lower the boom on her. Tell her to apologize. If she won’t stop, take her home. If you’re with her, if you’re at her place, leave. If you’re on a phone, leave the conversation. She treats you right, she gets your time and your attention. She turns into an insufferable cunt, you’re going to leave. Simple.

She’s gotten upset seeing innocuous photos of me that happened to have a female in the background.

Again, next time it comes up, “I don’t want to fucking hear it. It’s ridiculous. Stop! Knock it off! OK, I’m leaving. Goodbye. See you. I told you, I warned you, and you won’t listen. You won’t respect my authority. I can’t be with a woman that doesn’t respect my authority. When daddy says this is what we’re doing, this is what we’re doing. No double talk, no nagging me, no whining, no guilt tripping. I don’t want to fucking hear it. Try to guilt trip me and I’m dropping your ass off back at home.” Pretty simple.

She gets incredibly jealous when it comes to ANY female interaction I have. For example, I am very close with my best friend’s family. His sister recently got engaged and texted me about it, since I’m likely going to the wedding. I didn’t hide this from my girlfriend, and despite the fact that this is a sister of a longtime friend, who doesn’t even live close, AND is now engaged, my girlfriend sees her as a threat.

That’s when you go, “You’re being fucking ridiculous. Knock it off. This is my best friend’s kid sister. She’s excited she’s getting married. Instead of being happy for her, you’re going, ‘Oh, she’s trying to fuck you.’ Come on, you’re ridiculous. I don’t want to hear this shit anymore. If you can’t handle it, go the fuck home. Again, this is six months down the road. This stops here.” This is the end of the road for her. Clean. She cleans up her behavior or she’s fucking gone.

Again, I wouldn’t be talking this way if this is the first time it’s come up, but when you’re this far down the road, you’re done being nice, because she needs to understand that’s it. She keeps keeps it up, she’s going to be single. Then it won’t matter who you date and sleep with, it won’t be any of her fucking business.

She stalks my Instagram followers periodically to see if I followed any new girls. I’ve given her no reason to have these trust issues, though I know her ex did. She always suspects I’m hiding something, even when I’m not.

She also expects me to spoil a her a lot…

It’s like, “I’m not spoiling you. You haven’t earned it. You’re being an absolute fucking jackass and you won’t respect my boundaries and what we’ve talked about. You’re not keeping your word. So I’m not going to spoil you when you’re behaving terribly, because you’re on the verge of getting dumped at this point.”

…Because her friends get spoiled by their boyfriends. I’m talking absolute simp behavior. One of her friend’s is seeing a guy who has an average income, but spent a ton of money on gifts and a vacation… For their second date…

It’s like yeah, that’s not a girlfriend. That’s not girlfriend/boyfriend. So that doesn’t really apply. Also, I’d say, “I don’t give a fuck what your girl friends’ guys that they’re using and taking advantage of. She’s not in a relationship with that guy. She’s using him. If you want a guy that you can do that to, then we can go and we can break up and then you can go date those losers. I don’t want to fucking hear about it anymore. When you start treating me better, then I’ll treat you better. I’ll do nicer things for you, but right now, like I said, you’re this close to being single. You’re this close to me giving your fucking walking papers.” You ever saw The Old Honeymooners from the 50s? “To the moon, Alice!”

…(Despite also telling me that girl is also second guessing if she likes the guy).

That’s partly what also shows she doesn’t really respect you as a man. She’s trolling you because she thinks you’re soft and that’s the real issue, because you really haven’t lowered the boom yet and put her in her place. I know I’m being harsh in this email, but at this point, this requires you being harsh so she understands that you’re fucking serious. If she doesn’t stop mouthing off to you, she’s going to be single. Then she can go do whatever the fuck she wants and it won’t be any of your concern anymore.

When I told her I’d rather give freely than feel pressured, she interpreted that as me promising to spoil her more.

It’s like, “Babe, you haven’t earned it at all. You’re lucky I’m still with you at this point.”

It’s one thing for a stay-at-home mom, but she’s working, has discretionary funds, and only asks me to spend on non-essentials.

Again, she’s just trolling you because she thinks you’re soft. Remember, if you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. That’s part of your problem. You’re too fucking nice.

She’s also compared me to a friend’s new boyfriend…

It’s like, “Don’t compare me to your friends’ boyfriends. That’s insulting. That guy’s a fucking douche. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t care what they’re doing.”

…Listing everything he does for his girlfriend (mostly just showering her with gifts), clearly to make me feel like I’m falling short.

Again, she’s just trolling you and trying to manipulate you because she thinks that she can basically say, “Dance! Jump, motherfucker,” and you’ll dance and say, “How high, dear? How high would you like me to jump, Your Highness?”

I’ve had a talk with her covering all of this. She acknowledged the patterns and seemed receptive. But within days, cracks were already showing again.

“Dude, we talked about this the other day and now you’re doing it again. Apologize or I’m taking you home.” Pretty simple. “Oh, I got to be that way.” It’s like, “I’ve had enough. I’ve been dealing with this shit for six months. It’s going to stop or you’re not going to be my girlfriend anymore. So pick one. It’s a binary choice. Be respectful and treat me great. Make my dick hard, and stop making my fucking life hard. If you keep trying to make my life hard, I’m going to get rid of you and you’re not going to be with me anymore. Do you want to be single again? Get it through your head. I’m over it.”

Nothing major, but enough for me to see that some of these are inherent traits she has. The pattern is consistent.

Again, any of you guys that have been dads or stepdads, it’s what kids do if they think you’re soft or they think they can get you to cave. They go to mom and mom says, “No.” They go to you and you say “Yes.” Or you say no, they go to mom and mom says, “Yes.” It’s like we’re kind of the same way. It’s testing your strength. Are you willing to put them in their place? Because it’s clear she doesn’t fear losing you at all because you’ve trained her that no amount of this bullshit will cause you to get upset, put her in her place and go on down the road and do something else without her.

Things are calm, then a new grievance, then conflict, then partial resolution, then repeat.

Well again, you’re letting her set the tone. You’re living in her world instead of making her live in yours.

I love her, and she has a lot of great qualities. She makes my dick hard… but sometimes my life too.

It’s like, yeah, well that’s a fucking deal breaker long term. Some women just can’t help themselves and they won’t respect your boundaries no matter what you do. You got to put them in their place, and if they don’t respect it, they’re going to have to go on down the road.

If these issues keep popping up, I don’t know if I can see her as my wife…

I wouldn’t even be considering that at this point. This behavior is like, absolutely not she’s not wifey material with this kind of behavior

…And the mother of my children. It’s giving me doubts already. I’m not sure if I’m being too lenient…

Yeah, you’re being way too soft and squishy, dude. You’re like the fucking Stay Puft Marshmallow man.

…Or if I’m actually just not doing my part to change this.

Well, that too. You’re not putting her in her place.

So again, when a woman treats you great, you’re going to stick around. If she behaves this way, you tell her to stop and apologize. If she won’t, you turn the car around, drop her off at home. If you’re at her house, you leave. If she came over to your house, you kick her out, tell her to go home. If you’re on the phone, tell her to apologize or you’re leaving the conversation. Pretty simple. “I don’t want to hear from you until you’re ready to apologize and convince me of why you now understand why it’s a deal breaker, and why you’re going to endeavor to make sure it never happens again.”

How can I work on fixing this, if at all?

Well, you got to enforce the healthy boundaries and stop being so fucking squishy, dude. You’re like fucking Gumby here.

And at what point does this pattern become a deal-breaker in your eyes?

When she knows you’re serious. You put her in her place. Maybe you leave her house a few times. Maybe you end your conversations when she’s doing it over the phone. If you’re at her house, you leave. If you’re on a date, you end the date early and you take her home. Tell her she needs to think about things, and you don’t want to hear from her until she’s ready to call you and convince you why she’s absolutely sorry and knows it’s unloving and it’s disrespectful.

Love cannot exist without trust, and if she’s going to constantly accuse you of being disloyal, then you’re going to just understand that what she’s really doing is telling on herself. She’s telling on herself that she’s a liar and a cheater, and as much as she tries to cover up for it, she’s got bad thoughts going on between her ears. So you have to be the one wondering what the hell she’s doing when you’re not around.

I know I’m young and in no rush, but would appreciate your wisdom.

Thanks for your work,

Bob

Yeah, like I said, it’s time to not be nice next time she pulls this shit. Talk to her in the same way I’ve talked throughout this video, and if she don’t like it, fucking take her home. If she’s at your house, tell her to fucking leave.

So again, you gotta understand that this is super important. Women have to know if you really want to own a woman’s heart, they have to know that they push you too far, you’re going to walk and never look back. So she keeps jacking you up on this and you keep folding like a cheap deck chair. You have a nice cordial conversation with her, but nothing really changes. So quite frankly, she doesn’t think you’re serious. She doesn’t believe you. She doesn’t believe you’re serious, and she thinks you’re soft and squishy and she can get one over on you, which it looks like she does on a regular basis.

Remember, you don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate. You got to be a better negotiator for yourself instead of putting yourself last, because this is the kind of shit that would just drive you nuts. If you marry a girl who’s treating you this way or have a kid with her, it’s going to only get worse. So you’re rewarding bad behavior and you’re making a bridezilla. You better knock it off, dude, because you’re gonna experience a lot of pain otherwise.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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