Some things you should consider if you are contemplating not having sex with your significant other before marriage, so you could mitigate any chances of marrying someone you’re not sexually compatible with.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has basically let his wife be the man in their relationship for most of their time together. She is very conservative and religious and wanted to wait to have sex until they got married. He reluctantly went along with this and said he was okay with it when he wasn’t. He says he has read my book twice and watched many of my videos, but has convinced himself that what my book teaches does not apply to him since he is married. This justifies the continuation of his unsuccessful, and mostly failed, strategy he uses to seduce his wife. He says she is usually too tired to have sex, and they only have it one or two times per week. He wants it more than she does, and she tries to make him feel guilty about it.
They have been married for about five years. He makes really good money, and she is a high achieving entrepreneur whose business has fifteen employees. He’s having a hard time taking his power back and being the leader of the household. He wants to know what he can do to get his wife more interested in sex instead of it being so hit or miss and consisting of almost constant rejection. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I have read your book twice now and have watched many of your videos. Everything you say makes total sense, and it has motivated me tremendously in many areas of my life, but I wanted some quick advice. (As a man, you need to focus on your mission and purpose and create a great life and lifestyle to share with your wife. The more peaceful and relaxed you are, the easier it will be to communicate with and open up your wife.) What I am looking for is advice on creating sexual tension and getting the chase back with my wife. (Obviously, you’re not getting laid. You’re focusing completely on what you want. However, you should both be meeting each others needs.) After reading your book, I’m astonished that I even got married and landed such a beautiful woman. When I first started dating, I accidentally did a lot of things right. I knew her previous boyfriend. He was totally whipped, and I knew I did not want to be like him. Without reading your book, I knew this to be true, and it totally worked. (You knew better and acted accordingly.) She was drawn to me, and I did a good job of setting up dates and keeping the attraction level high and the mystery alive. As we dated, she fell in love with me, and after two years, we ended up getting married. (You were being the leader during the courtship.) I think when we first started dating, her attraction level was about an 8, (Attraction level cuts through everything), which was the highest it ever has been. Everything was easy, flirty and fun.
After a year of dating, I fucked up quite a bit with chasing and letting her lead in many areas of our relationship. We have now been married 5 years, and the attraction level is probably more like a 6. (I wrote an Attraction Table in my book that details what a woman will do at different attraction levels, so you can tell where you’re at and take appropriate action before things go sideways.) I definitely have been doing the chasing and asking for sex. Of course I’ve turned this around, but it’s only been a few days. I did not realize this was so damaging until I read your book over the weekend. I definitely thought that was just part of marriage and the way behavior changed, but now I realize I can turn it around… hopefully. (Most married people become like roommates.)
Most of your advice in your book is directed to single men, (That is totally false. My book takes you through getting married, having a family and staying in communication. You definitely haven’t read my book 10-15 times to understand what I teach. You need to act like a man and court your woman consistently), and this is where it is hard for me to figure out what to do. I’ll give you some background about our lives, so you can get a good idea of where I stand. We are both in our late 20’s and successful. She runs a business and does very well. I’m involved a little bit with her business helping with the finances, repairs, and major decisions of the direction we want to take it. On my end, I work in Finance on commission and do pretty well. We are both athletic, in good shape and make an effort to look good for each other. (That’s good. You’re like-minded with the same kinds of values and goals.) I’ve been the main breadwinner and have supported us financially. She definitely sees me as her rock and safety net. She is a good businessperson and manages about 15 employees underneath her. Her business is her passion, and she is very driven. (A woman like this will be in her masculine a lot, and if you’re not in your masculine, it will ruin the sexual polarity and she won’t be very turned on by you.) She is also a structured woman with somewhat strict Christian values, but she is very fun, likes to drink, party and dance and does not like drama. On a normal day, she usually gets home around 9 pm from work and needs to unwind. On her down time, she watches some TV shows and reads before bed. By the time we go to bed, she is usually very tired and does not want to have sex. (Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen.) I would say, maybe 1-2 times a week, and it’s usually because she wants to appease my desires. It is not that she doesn’t enjoy it when we do it, but it’s definitely not how I want to get sex. She has never been sexually adventurous and doesn’t like to explore. Rarely will she give oral sex even when I provide that to her.
This is where I probably fucked up the most. She wanted both of us to wait to have sex until we were married, and I always wanted to push what we could and couldn’t do. (If you don’t have sex before marriage, you won’t know if you’re sexually compatible.) We ended up waiting, but she would always get mad when I would push her past her comfort level. This gave her complete control. Once we finally got married, I had no idea what I was doing in bed. I think I set the bar pretty low, especially with being the dominant role in the bedroom. Now I think she has some automatic behavioral responses that limit her desire to explore sexually. (She’s gotten so used to you not being the man and the leader in your relationship, instead of you romancing her and being that guy she fell in love with.) I’ve manned up at this point, but it’s hard to dive into something that is so unnatural. She’s mentioned that she had mixed feelings of how I’ve tried to be more dominant. (That doesn’t sound very confident dude. You need to get out there and date your wife. Take her out and make her feel heard and understood.) She didn’t say she didn’t like it. She just said she wasn’t sure how she felt about it when we were done. (You’re unsure of yourself and looking for her approval. You’re not being a man and taking the lead in the relationship.) I’m guessing that might be a good thing? I’ve only done a couple things out of the ordinary like some mild dirty talk and direction.
I’ve been trying to do the basics, and I’ve seen some changes. It is just difficult to do many things you say in your book when you are already married. (It’s not hard to create a date and take her out, but if she’s so used to being the man in the relationship, you have to be consistent and just handle it, instead of waiting for her approval each time.) It is hard to create that anticipation when you see each other every day. What is your advice to men who are in this type of long-term relationship where it’s a bit stale. (You have to date and court her properly, instead of just getting caught up in bringing home the paycheck.) Is it possible to get her to feel the same way about me as when we first started dating? (Absolutely, if she’s still with you.)
I’m looking forward to your response. Thank you for waking me up to reality.
My response to him:
Your whole email reeks of desperation, neediness, approval seeking behavior and over-pursuing. As my book clearly states, your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hangout, have fun and hook up. This applies to all men, not just single men. You are dismissing an essential part of being a man I discuss in my book, because you think since you are married, it does not apply to you. You need to start dating and courting your wife properly like you did when you first met. That means planning dates in the future that can lead to sex at some point later on in the date. Coming home and trying to rev your wife up sexually just because you are horny is not going to work. That is no different than a horny, clueless teenager trying to lose his virginity and he grabs a woman’s boobs or pussy and says, “ready for sexy time?” If you were having a blast together on your days off and having fun dates, sex would happen naturally instead of the way it is now as being mostly forced, constant rejection and frustration on your part. If you start hanging out, having fun and hooking up on your dates and grow closer thru listening and communicating in the ways I discuss in my book, then when you hold her at night after a long day, she will easily get turned on and be receptive to your sexual advances. Right now, your wife is closed down to you emotionally because you have not been dating and courting her properly like a man should. When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. When she does not, the legs close. On your dates she should be doing 70-90% of the talking, and you should be the one asking questions and leading the conversation. Stop focusing on getting laid and instead focus on creating a love story with your wife like you did in the beginning. Your relationship sounds more like a roommate situation than a loving marriage between two people who are crazy about one another and who want to spend their lives together.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Many men become failures and experience almost constant rejection when trying to seduce their wives or long-term girlfriends, because they become totally focused on getting laid, instead of giving, loving, listening, communicating and courting their women properly. When a man becomes focused on getting laid instead of opening up his woman by asking questions, being sincerely interested, caring, creating romantic and fun dates, and being a good listener, she does not feel heard or understood. When a woman does not feel heard and understood, her legs close. When she does, her legs open and seducing her is easy, effortless, fun, romantic, passionate, magical and memorable.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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