What you should do if you are sexually frustrated in your relationship and are not getting your intimate needs met by your partner.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his girlfriend for four months now. She is nineteen and he is twenty-two. She is his first girlfriend, and they are both still virgins. She recently told him she has no interest in sex, but he wants to experiment and explore his sexuality. He says he is confused on what he should do, and wonders if he should tell her he wants to see other people, since she has made it clear she has no interest in sex.
They are both exclusive, but without intimacy he is feeling frustrated and like his needs are not being met. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Some people don’t go for the job they want, or they don’t seek to learn what they need to learn in order to create the kind of relationships they want. Life is constantly changing, and if you really want to be happy and successful, and you want to feel like you can look back on your life and be satisfied with the results you’ve gotten, you’ve got to get good at going for the things you want. Sometimes that may mean ending a relationship that needs to end.
Successful people have better strategies of getting what they want in life. They know that eventually, it’s simply a matter of time, repetition and refinement. But the average person is so full of fear that nothing will get any better down the road, they stay stuck in place. And the older they get, they lose hope. Some people are trying to escape through drugs and alcohol, because they don’t like what they feel. In other words, they’re avoiding what they are feeling.
Our feelings are our truth. That’s life’s way of trying to communicate and say, from the soul level, you’re involved with people you shouldn’t be involved with, and sometimes things just need to end. You’ve got to have the courage to end it to create something new. The way I look at it is, we’re all divine beings having a human experience. No matter what happens in life, everything is divinely orchestrated out of your emotional intentions for it. Your actions eventually shape the world you live in.
I can say with confidence, the things I teach in my book and in my videos are true. I’m teaching things based upon my own life experience, my own studying and my own taking action. Like what Tony Robbins says, “Success leaves clues.” If you study people who are more successful than you are, and you find out what they do day in and day out, eventually if you do the same things, you’ll get similar, if not even better results. Commit to being a life-long learner.
This particular guy is in a situation where he’s not happy, but he’s young and this is his first girlfriend. This was the kind of thinking I had when I was in my early to mid-20’s, having doubts about my girlfriend, yet everybody around me was whispering in my ear that I had to marry her, even though what I felt internally was telling me to do something else. Instead of listening to that internal voice, I listened to everyone around me. And if you’ve read my book, you know eventually I found the courage to finally end that relationship, because I knew that it didn’t serve me or her.
I made a promise to myself, not just in my personal life, but in every area of my life. I believed if I was living in a way that I no longer had the same internal enthusiasm I had, that means there is something new to explore and experience. And in order to experience something new, you’ve got to create a space in your life for it. Things don’t magically manifest instantly. Sometimes it takes months or years for the conditions to develop for the right people or the right opportunity to just come into your life, so it’s a matter of being patient and then preparing for what you want. Because when you prepare, eventually that opportunity or that circumstance just comes along at the right time, when you’re ready, willing, able and open to it.
But living that way, in a world where you believe everything is divinely orchestrated, and it’s just a matter of time until you get the things that you want, to the 99.99% of the other people you will encounter, that sounds absolutely fucking absurd. They’re not going to be able to comprehend it, and they’re certainly not going to be comfortable with it. They’re going to fill your head with all of their beliefs. Just remember, when somebody else is trying to convince you to be realistic or convince you to be more like the way they think you should be, they’re telling you their story, not yours.
You’ve got to get to a place in your life where you’re comfortable trusting your intuition, trusting what you feel on the inside, despite what everybody else around you is telling you on the outside, because they don’t know. They don’t know what’s going on inside you. They don’t know why you’ve chosen a certain career path or chosen to be involved with the types of friends you’re involved with or the type of person you’re dating or want to date. At the end of the day, you’ve got to be the one that sets the standards for success in your life, because if you’re always trying to live your life according to other people’s expectations, you’re always going to be disappointed.
I’ve been following you for one year, and I’ve got a quick question. I’ve been dating a girl for 4 months. She is 19, and I’m 22. She is my first girlfriend ever.
(Congratulations dude. I didn’t have my first serious, long-term, committed relationship until I was 24. You’re ahead of where I was at your age. The more you apply the things I teach, the more you’ll advance in life, and I think that’s awesome. You learn from my mistakes, and you’re able to improve your life without having to go through all of those painful experiences. That’s why I do what I do.)
We both are still virgins. Now she says she has no urge of having sex, but I want to have it badly.
(Why would you want to be in a relationship with somebody who has no desire to have sex with you?)
I want to explore, but we are exclusive. Should I tell her my wish and remove the exclusivity? I’m confused on what to do, so I can have what I want.
(The good news is, when you’re confused, it means you’re about to learn something.)
I have definitely made some mistakes. I’m on my 7th read of your book.
(The fact your girlfriend is not feeling any feelings of attraction, and you admit you made a bunch of mistakes, if you’re on your seventh read, I’d say you’re obviously able to spot some of the patterns of where you’re displaying weakness and turning your girlfriend off. If she says, “I’m not interested in sex at all,” then you just say “Well, I don’t think we’re on the same page. We don’t have a romantic relationship. We’re just friends. There’s no point in being exclusive if we don’t have any intimacy.”
What I would say if I could go back to my 22-year old self is, you’re young, and you haven’t had a lot of experiences in the world. Go out there and experience what you want. It’s obvious you and your girlfriend don’t share the same goals and values. Maybe your girlfriend’s not that into you. Maybe you’re her security blanket. Maybe she’s just going along with it. A lot of women do that.
In a loving way you should tell her what you want. Just say, “If you’re not interested in sex or any intimacy at all, there’s really no point in us being together anymore, because we don’t want the same things. I want to know what it’s like to make love to somebody that I care about. Maybe it’s best if we date other people.” Only you know what’s in your heart and what you feel.
If this girl has no interest in sex, you have to figure out what you were doing to cause her to lose attraction for you. If she can’t give you what you want, it’s time to move on. Life’s too short dude. The longer you tolerate something that’s mediocre, the more years you miss out on other experiences you could have. If you deep down know it’s not right, and she’s not on the same page as you, it’s better to get out now and find somebody else, as opposed to continuing to waste years of your life.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“In order for any personal and professional relationship to work long term, all parties must share the same goals and values. It’s hard to live your truth in a world that is constantly trying to get you to conform to what society says you should be. If you settle and compromise your values, goals and principles, you will always be wondering, “what if?” The purpose of life is to enjoy it, to fully live and experience your grandest goals and dreams. The only way you can reach your full potential is if you spend your time with those who support, encourage and share the same goals and values. Have the courage to let go of who you are by seeking what you want. When you find those whose goals and values match your own, it will feel right. Until then, find a way to enjoy your journey while you pursue all that you want. As long as you take consistent action to improve and refine your approach, success will not be a matter of hope, but simply a matter of time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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