She Asked For A 30 Day Pause, Then Disappeared

What it means and what you should do when a woman you are dating asks for a pause.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a woman he really liked and probably way overrated her romantic interest in him. He got exclusive very quickly. Then she was interviewing for a job out of town and asked for a 30 day pause, but not a breakup. It’s now been 40 days and he still hasn’t heard from her. He wants to reach out because he is surprised that he hasn’t heard from her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, She Asked For A 30 Day Pause, Then Disappeared.

Well, this particular email is from a guy he was dating, a woman that he says was really super into him. That her attraction was a 9.5 on a scale of ten. But, it quickly, you can tell he over pursued. He got too serious too soon. Probably was the one that brought up exclusivity. But as you’ll see, as I go through the email, she’s trying to back off.

And what that’s and he’s not really recognizing the message, that instead of her interest going up, it’s continually going down. It started out pretty high and then quickly just had a slow decline, and he didn’t realize what he was doing and saying to cause her to lose attraction.

And so, he’s like 40 days in a no contact. And he gave her the pause she asked for, but he hasn’t heard since. Plus, on top of that, she was interviewing for a job that was out of the city. So the fact that he’s stunned that she never reached out after the 30 day pause, what does that tell you?

She doesn’t really care. Not that into him. He was way overrating her interest in him. So, something I’ve been mentioning off and on over the last few years is that when it comes to women, you want to give them the freedom to either follow through on their plans and their commitments with you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Met a wonderful woman back in July.

So we’re just beginning of October. So there’s like 90 days ago, 60 something days depending on what part of July he met her because we’re in the very we’re like October 3rd when I’m actually filming this.

Hit it off incredible. She was chasing me relentlessly. Like scale 9.5. It was incredible. We were into exclusive status. Probably moved to quickly moving back and I should have slowed it down.

So more than likely, he was the one kind of driving the train of exclusivity. And so, what you typically see when women feel smothered and like you’re pursuing too much is then you start hearing how crazy life is and how stressful it is and all these things that she’s got going on.

Usually as the excuses as to why she’s not as available or can’t see you and the excuses sound logical and reasonable, but at the end of the day, attraction level cuts through everything. If she was all over you like white on rice and then she’s telling you how busy and crazy and stressful her life is, which she’s really saying is, “You turn me off to the point where I’d really rather not see you right now.”

“But I don’t want to end things completely because there’s still interest there.” But I need some space because you’re smothering me. And women, most women can’t articulate that in a way that the average guy is going to understand without getting butthurt or upset.

She had a bunch of stress come up in her life. She had to move her daughter into college who was having issues. She also needed time to go to Michigan for a long weekend to deal with issues with her adult son, regarding a move.

So, what’s happening is she’s taking these little things. I mean, there might not be little to her, but it’s just kind of like she can resolve this pretty easily, but she’s like, oh, this is such a big problem. Oh, it’s so stressful. But what she’s really saying is that I just don’t want to see you.

And instead of him being the fun romantic escape from her difficult life and shit that’s going on with her son and her daughter, instead she’s going, “Well, because of this stuff that’s going on with my son and daughter, I can’t see you right now.”

And that’s when you just look at her actions and realize she’s making excuses to not see you because she doesn’t feel that she wants to. That’s the real issue here. Because if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s going to be going over he’s going to be the rock.

He’s going to be the mountain. She’s going to want to tell him everything and she’s going to want him to be there for her, so he can listen to her, and she can share her stress and her other things that are going on.

And then they can hang out and have fun and hook up. And he can be the escape from her difficult life.

Her work was having a stressful period and on top of it she was getting recruited heavily to a VP position in another town about an hour away. It was on the radar for a bit, and she had offered to continue the relationship even after the move. It was her suggestion.

Yeah, but you always gotta bottom line her actions. So, she’s talking about these things. It sounds reasonable, but the reality is, is she’s allowing things in her life to be the excuses as to why she can’t see you. But the important thing to realize is that she’s just not making time to see this guy. And that’s indicative of her feelings.

And so, her feelings are not the same as they used to be. And this is typically confusing for most women. And so, they don’t want to just blow the relationship up and end it. They back off, they take some space, because most women understand that with enough space and time, they can be present with their feelings, and they’ll either return and they’ll go up, or they’ll stay the same or they’ll decrease.

Then over the period of about 48 hours she went silent. She then told me she was so stressed and wanted to focus only on the incredible job opportunity.

Yes, she’s so busy and so stressed out that she just wants to focus on the job, and not see him. And so obviously, more than likely, he’s communicating that he’s coming unglued by not seeing her. In other words, he can’t handle the distance. He can’t handle the time apart. But the bottom line is she’s pushing him away because she’s no longer feeling what she felt initially.

She had let men and relationships in her past affect career moves and she want doing it again.

I got the door slam.

So, the reality what she’s really saying is that I’ve been dating other guys in the past and they smothered me in the same way that you’re smothering me. And they complained and they tried to make me feel guilty. And I let that get in the way of pursuing my career. But not again. In other words, she’s communicating. He’s basically made her feel the same way as these other guys in the past did; that over pursued and smothered her and didn’t make her feel free to come and go.

She asked for a 30 day pause. Not a breakup, but a pause.

Yeah. She wanted to put a pause on it, not blow you out of the water completely, because if her feelings returned, she wanted to continue. But. What happens…?

And asked I grant her wish. So, I went radio silent. Again, women are cats.

So he’s thinking, Oh, she’ll come back. No big deal.

It’s now been about 40 days and I am honestly surprised I haven’t heard from her. She is a classy lady and I at least I thought I would get a text about whether she got the job or not, and if it meant moving on from me.

Well, if she asked for a 30 day pause and it’s been 40 days, she asked for space because she was feeling smothered. And you haven’t heard from her in 40 days. Like I said, this is the point where you allow. Remember, she said she needed 30 days and then she’d be back in touch.

But 40 days have gone by. So, if we bottom line her actions then she doesn’t miss you. That’s the harsh reality. And you calling her and texting her is not going to cause her to miss you. It’s just it’s not there. For whatever reason, you did too much pursuing, too much smothering. And she lost interest. And then when she got to 30 days now it’s been an extra ten days. So obviously she ain’t missing you.

And so you want to give women the opportunity to follow through on their plans and their commitments to you. In this case, a 30 day pause only or to flake out and disappear from your life forever. And so this is the part where you look at it and you go, I’ll probably never hear from her again. If she’s willing to just let you go after all that, it’s like you obviously weren’t that important to her. So you never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. That’s just the bottom line.

I’d like some closure to it. 


Any advice from you would be appreciated. Stay radio silent, or send her a generic text like. “Thinking of you, I know it was the job of a lifetime and I Hope you got it.” Probably not even a text she would need to reply to?

How would you approach?

I just want some reinforcement to NOT reach out to this woman.

Bob

Well, the important thing is, is that she asks for a pause of 30 days. Didn’t want to break up, but just a pause of 30 days. But now it’s been 40 days. So, obviously, if this woman can go 40 days without talking to you and you were exclusive, what does that tell you? She’s not missing you at all. The important thing is she’s not feeling it either. And you can’t negotiate interest. You can’t make her feel something she doesn’t feel.

So, you give her the opportunity to flake out and disappear from your life forever. At this point, it looks like she’s flaked out. So, you’re back in the game. You’re a free agent. So I’d start meeting and dating new women and just completely forget about it. I wouldn’t call or reach out to her because she told you she wanted 30 days.

You gave her 30 days, and now it’s been 40. So, she’s out. Don’t expect to hear from her again. And you shouldn’t either. Maybe she reaches out in a few months. But the bottom line is, she’s just not that into you, dude. That’s the harsh reality. I know you don’t want to hear it, but that’s where we are, and that’s why you do these things.

So there’s no vagueness here. There is no you know, he’s thinking, well, if I reach out to her, I’ll force her to do something and interact and I can find out where I stand. But the reality is it’s been 40 days, and you haven’t heard a peep from her because she doesn’t care. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. Time to move on, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.