She Asked If We’re Moving Too Fast?

Why it’s a bad sign if she asks if you are moving too fast in your romance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who appears to be new to my work and is a cherry picker. He’s 23 and started dating a woman who is 21 and he’s already been on four dates in nine days and met all her family. He’s acting like they’re already in a relationship and she is starting to pump the brakes.

She asked him if he thought they were moving too fast and he told her no. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

If you’re dating a girl and things start off hot and heavy and she talks about things moving too fast, especially like in this case, she asks if things are moving too fast, probably what it means is that you’re more into the relationship, you’re more into dating, you’re more into her than she is into you. The reality is that women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them.

In this particular email, this guy is 23 and started dating a woman who’s 21. He met her just a week ago, and he’s already like, “We’re dating.” So he’s been on four dates in nine days, he’s already met all of her family. You can tell he’s pretty much acting like he’s in a relationship already, and she’s kind of starting to pump the brakes. I don’t think this viewer has read 3% Man yet, I think he’s kind of new to my work, and he’s probably, like a lot of guys, just cherry picking things, trying to half ass it and look for the quick fix the copy and paste for the perfect solution from a video into his life. While you may get some attainable success, you’re not going to be able to sustain it. There’s just no shortcuts to success.

The book is divided into pickup skills, then into dating and relationship early skills and then maintaining long term relationships. So there’s a process that women have to go through. It takes time for them to fall in love. It’s not something that can be rushed. Even though what you typically see on TV and in the movies is you got to make a mad dash to the finish line, to put a ring on her finger, to lock her down to a commitment, or else Chad Thundercock is going to come along and steal your girl. When you behave the way this guy behaves, you’re going to get, “I’m confused. I’m not sure where I’m able to be at this point in my life. Things are moving so fast.” What’s happening is she can tell you’re way more serious about this than she is, and that typically is going to cause the woman to kind of back off a little bit and be present with their feelings. Women know instinctively that absence really does make the heart grow fonder, and when you’re in a mad dash, I mean, this guy already in nine days has already met her family, he’s been on four dates already. That’s a lot for a week, so you should expect to get a pullback when you spend that much time together so quickly. It’s just too much too soon.

Also he communicates that he’s totally serious and wants a relationship and usually he’s feeling it, but she’s just not there yet. It takes time for women to fall in love and you just can’t rush it. If you do rush it, you’re going to chase, pursue, text and call her out of liking you to the point where you get friend zoned or you get, “Oh, there’s not much chemistry. There’s a spark missing.”

The most important thing to women is how they feel about you. Not what a great dude you are or what great what great dates you took her on, how handsome you are, how nice your car is. The only thing that really matters is how they feel about you. When you’re in a rush, like this guy is, you’re going to typically chase her right out of your life. It’s a good email, especially if you guys are new to my work or you guys have been dating on and off for a while and you meet a girl you really like, it’s easy to get carried away and spend a lot of time together because oftentimes the women will facilitate that, but you have to understand that they’re kind of like cats. They spend a lot of time with you and they’re going to back off. When they back off, you can’t take it personally, you can’t get upset, you can’t get butt-hurt, you can’t be like, “What’s wrong? I got to confront her,” because you’re not going to talk her or use logic and reason into her feelings being more than they are. You just have to let her be, be indifferent and not be attached to it.

Viewer Email:

Hello,

Thank you for your invaluable contribution to making relationships healthier and happier.

I have a question about a girl I started dating a little over a week ago. I met her at the gym with a buddy and we hit it off immediately. I ended up canceling our first date because someone else had caught my attention, and I have a personal conviction about giving all my attention to one person at a time.

Well, you gotta understand, women do this no problem, women can multitask and when there’s lots of guys that want to date, take them out and they like, they have to go out with the guy to see if they like them or not. To just put all your eggs in one basket and only date or go out with a girl one person at a time already communicates that you’ve decided that she’s the one you want to make your girlfriend. Women just don’t move that quickly. They move based upon how their feelings evolve and develop and how their attraction grows or the guy turns him off and then the attraction goes the other way.

That other girl didn’t work out, so I reached out to the gym girl again, and without hesitation, she was ready to hang out.

Yeah, I personally would have given them each a chance, because that would have also helped him slow things down a little bit, not be in such a rush to decide her or this one. It’s better to have lots of choices because one is no choice, two is a dilemma and three is a proper choice.

Here’s my confusion: It’s been nine days, we’ve been on dates dates, and tonight I’m meeting most of her family.

As the book says, you’re trying to take measured steps. You want to just go out on one date per week. If you had this other girl, maybe you go out with her one week, early the next week you go out with this particular girl. I wouldn’t have been canceling dates like this, but however, it actually works to your effect or your benefit, I should say, because what’s happening here is that women like a guy that’s a challenge. You make a date with a girl and very, very rarely does a pretty girl get a date cancellation on her, so that actually is going to make her like him more initially because he canceled a date, but under normal circumstances, what he should have been doing is he should have kept a date with this girl, see what she’s like and then going out with the other one as well to see what she’s like and let the best girl win him over. This is how women operate.

Most guys have never experienced this where they got two or maybe three different women to date that liked them all at the same time. Usually it’s far and few in between. Maybe they meet a girl and it doesn’t work out, then four or five months later, they meet somebody else that works out or it doesn’t. Most guys just do not have an abundance in their personal life. They don’t have an abundance of women that want to date them and hang out with them. That’s why it’s so important to build yourself up in your life and your social life, so you’re constantly meeting new people.

Last night, on our fourth date, I mentioned how surprised I was that it’s only been a week. She asked if we were going, “Too fast,” and I said, “No, if it’s natural, it’s not too fast.”

So just the fact that she brought that up and mentioned, “Don’t you think we’re going too fast?” She can already tell it’s a little too much, too soon.

She is 21, and I am 23. Our values – spiritually, religiously, politically, and physically – align perfectly. Dating her is playful, fun and almost too easy.

Dude, it’s been a week. You can tell already he’s like, “Check, please! This is the one I want.” When you start acting like that, you end up smothering the girl. If you’re learning the stuff in the book, especially if you’re dating a girl you really like, it really helps to have two or three different women to date all at the same time because then you’re going to go slower, you’re not going to be so fixated on one girl and you’ll end up work making her work to get your attention, which will just simply cause her to like you more and most importantly, to emotionally bond with you better and quicker versus if she was the only person you were dating.

Are we going too fast, or is that idea arbitrary?

Well, the fact that she’s bringing it up and mentioning it tells me that she feels it’s going too fast because you went from not knowing her until a week later you had four dates already and now you met her whole family, so that’s pretty serious. Usually you don’t meet the family until a month or two, maybe three into dating until it gets really serious between the two of you and you’re in a long term relationship.

So what you’re typically going to see when you behave this way is you’re going to overwhelm the woman, she’s going to back off and back away. Usually most guys that don’t know any better, when a woman starts backing away like that, they start trying to fix things and think there’s something they have to do to get her to like them as much as she did initially.

You just have to understand, if the kitty cat spends a lot of time with you initially, they’re going to get bored. It’s like if you ever had a cat and it sits in your lap and it’s purring, it’s really digging, you’re petting it, it likes being there and then it gets up and leaves. You’ll notice it’ll stop purring first, then it starts looking around, and then even though you’re still petting it, it’ll just get up and jump out of your lap. That’s how women tend to operate. Most guys don’t know any better. They think, “Hey, there’s something wrong. She doesn’t like me petting her anymore. I got to fix this.” What they do is they run after the cat, pick it up and forcibly put it in their lap. That’s what guys start to do. They start to call too much, they start to text too much, they try to force things along quicker because in his mind, he’s got to get her to the finish line.

You got to understand, women have to come to you at their own pace and you got to read the book, dude. There’s no shortcuts to success. It’s free to read in the Members Area of the website. All you got to do is put your name and your email, hit submit and boom! It’ll open right up in your web browser and you can read it totally for free. You can try it before you buy it.

The longest relationship she’s had was eight months in high school, and I’ve never been in a relationship but have been on many dates using your principles.

Well, just the fact that you’re moving this fast and you’re cherry picking videos, this is not what the book teaches. Now, it’s quite possible she was super into you and kept calling and texting every couple of days, so you ended up on four dates in nine days. As long as she was the one initiating that, then that’s OK, but most of the time, it’s usually the other way around. Then what happens is the guy notices her schedule is not so open anymore, and instead of her saying, “Oh, my schedule is wide open for you,” then you start hearing, “Oh, work’s crazy. School is crazy. I got so much going on right now.” What happens is you notice that she’s just putting roadblocks in the way of you and her hanging out together because she feels overwhelmed.

Even when we ask each other personal questions, we have the emotional intelligence to assure each other that we will share more later. It feels too good to be true, and I worry this happiness might not last.

Thanks for your guidance.

Bob

The reason he doesn’t feel centered and calm is because he hasn’t read the book. He doesn’t know what comes next, and he’s probably like a maniac going through YouTube and trying to watch all these different videos, looking for the perfect piece of advice for his situation. As I say all the time, these videos are based upon the fact that you have at least read the book once, you’re trying to apply it and you use the videos and these real world examples of what guys are experiencing in real time to help you fine tune how to apply what’s in the book into your particular situation.

He’s full of fear right now. When a girl pulls back and a man’s full of fear, he typically goes into a tailspin and ends up just chasing, texting and calling her right out of his life. What you’re typically going to see is that maybe she’s texting you every day, and all of a sudden, say you heard from her three or four times today and then tomorrow you didn’t hear anything. Now, the average guy doesn’t know any better, that freaks him out. He thinks, “Oh, I must have pissed her off. She wanted to talk to me four times yesterday,” or “She texted me four times yesterday and I haven’t heard anything all day.” You just got to let it be. As the book says, you’re taking measured steps once a week. So what if two days go by or three days go by? You don’t do anything. If a week goes by and you still haven’t heard from her? Then you reach out because again, you’re just trying to set one date per week. If you go out on a date, say you had a date yesterday and it was great, and now it’s 2:00 in the afternoon the day after, and she texts you to tell you what a great time she had, how wonderful it was, or how great the sex was, if she’s reaching out to you, assume she wants to see you and you just say, “Yeah, I had a great time too. I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule like?” Then if she tells you, you invite her over or you invite her out on a date. If she’s texting you 9:00, 10:00 at night, you just say, “Come over,” because you’re probably down for a booty call. Again, you got to put the time in with the book because there are no shortcuts to success.

If you guys haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only content, in the description of this particular video, there are links to where you can join the paying Members Only content on YouTube, you can join on Spotify, or preferably we’d prefer that you join on our website UnderstandingRelationships.com, because on the website you get a 7-day free trial, you can choose a monthly plan or an annual plan, that way you can see what additional content you actually get for your money. If you choose an annual plan after the 7-day free trial is over, you get a 25% discount for paying up front.

What do you get? You typically get six additional video coaching newsletters, like this one, per week, there’s a weekly 3% Man Study Group podcast, a weekly Mastering Yourself Study Group podcast, we do the full Viewer Questions podcast where we answer your viewer questions with myself and the girls and any special interviews that we have which will be available to you. Plus, on the website, you’ll also get the email analysis and you can see the person’s email and all of my comments in it while you’re listening to or watching the video. Guys have always really appreciated the fact that I have the video with the email on my website, which obviously you just can’t do that on on YouTube or Spotify. Again, the links, depending on what platform you want to join on, are in the video description.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.