How to make sense of when a woman asks for space to resolve things with her ex, but now she is with a totally new guy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been studying and applying my work for the past two years and has read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, thirteen times. He was dating a woman for about two months and expected her to ask to be exclusive any day. Then she needed space because her ex came back in the picture.
He backed off and told her to figure things out with her ex. Now she’s with a completely new guy, and he’s trying to figure out why and what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This guy says he’s been applying my work, obviously he’s talking about How To Be A 3% Man, Mastering Yourself, and of course, the latest and greatest sweet quotes book, Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations, which is available everywhere. So, he’s been applying my work for two years. He says he’s read How To Be A 3% Man thirteen times, and therefore he’s done everything perfect. But now this girl he was dating for about two months that he thought he was about to get serious with, the ex came in back in the picture.
He gave her some space because she was confused. And now, all of a sudden, she’s with some completely different guy. He was like, “What?” So, there’s three dudes in the picture. There’s him, the ex and now some new guy that came out of left field. He’s like, “What the hell is up with this? I thought I was getting somewhere.”
I have read your book 13 times and have been applying it for 2 years. So, I dated this girl for 2 months, and things were perfect.
Well, obviously not perfect, because you wrote an email to me because things were not perfect. They appeared to be perfect. In other words, you projected your fantasy of the perfection, but something went sideways.
She did 100% of the pursuing after I had set the first date.
So far, so good.
We hung out, had fun and hooked up from the 2nd date on. Around week 5 of dating, she invited me to spend the day with her, and she said we can talk about deeper things and brought up her ex.
Oh, how much fun. Let’s get together and talk about your ex. Swell, what a great conversation. But it’s important to learn these things, because you find out whether or not this is a good candidate. Because remember you’re test driving, and people can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship.
She talked about how she had a hard time breaking it off with him and that he would never commit and that she is a “relationship girl.”
Well, when somebody tells you something like that, you’ve got to go, “Okay, let’s look at her actions.”
So, she ended things 2 separate times with him.
Remember, rejection breeds obsession.
She even brought up that day that her friend just told her new boyfriend that she loved him and they are exclusive. I knew she was almost to the point of asking “what are we?”
Well, this was week five, so they were dating for about five weeks, not two months.
And I was prepared. That very night, her ex texted her while I was with her and she told him to back off. It’s a little funky, because it’s my best friend’s sister-in-law. So, I spend a lot of time with her sister.
So, there’s a lot of mutual friends and a lot of people involved in the relationship, and he’s probably talking about it constantly, which is not helping him. They’re probably going, “Wow, he really, really super duper likes you. Oh, so great for you guys.” You think that the friends are being helpful, but they’re saying things that are making you look weak, instead of mysterious.
That’s why no group dates until you’re exclusive. But I suspect he probably didn’t listen to that. “I’ve read this thirteen times, Corey. The rules don’t apply to me. I’m special.”
My friend group had a vacation planned and she invited herself to come with, and her sister said yes.
Well, now they’re all hanging out together.
I knew that could be trouble but didn’t wanna make a big deal.
Well, she invited herself. What are you going to do?
After the trip, and very little alone time with the girl…
So, you guys are on a trip together, and you hardly spend any alone time with her? That’s the problem. That’s why you don’t do group dates. Something went sideways there. If you guys were already hooking up, why didn’t she stay with you in your room?
…she told me her ex reached out and that she had feelings for him. I said, “he can keep you busy when you’re not with me,” and she said “gross!”
Well, that’s the kind of statement you say when you are meeting a chick and she says, “I have a boyfriend.” You go, “Oh hey, he can keep you busy when you’re not with me.” You don’t do it after two months of dating. Come on, man. I wouldn’t be saying that.
I would have said something smart, like, “Well, just tell him you found somebody that’s got a much bigger dick and knows how to use it much better. And he can go on down the road, because you’re much more satisfied now.” That’s the kind of thing you should be saying, not “He can keep you busy when you’re not with me.” Come on, dude. He’s cocky — cockier than he should be.
And we had a date night. She kept texting me that week telling me how much she cared about me and that “I deserve the world.”
You “deserve the world.” Sure.
She came over a few days later and said she needed space to see how her feelings developed.
When a woman says “I need space,” it’s because she’s being smothered. That’s reality. When I hear a guy go, “Oh yeah, she said she needed space, but I wasn’t over pursuing,” bullshit. Women don’t need space from guys they’re in love with, guys they can’t get enough of, guys that are mysterious, guys that are doing everything right. They do that when they’re getting smothered. That’s just a fact. It’s a fact of life. I didn’t make the rules, I’m just here telling you the way it is, the way the world works.
I listened to her and we talked about how her head tells her to be with me, but her heart is telling her the ex.
Remember, rejection breeds obsession, and she always wanted to be exclusive, but he always said no.
I told her to take her time and get it figured out, because she can’t just shut her heart off and that I understood.
Well, you basically just said, “Hey, go explore things with your ex.” But then again, she wasn’t really over the ex, so again, you want ready, willing, able and open to dating.
She didn’t understand how I was being so calm, and I told her that I understood her and that I had to love her in a way that she felt free.
You “love her in a way that she felt free.” Dude, don’t take stuff like that and try to use it as a line. That’s a Thich Nhat Hanh quote. It’s inappropriate. You’re not in a relationship. You shouldn’t be telling her how much you love her after five weeks when she’s telling you, “I’m in love with my ex boyfriend still, but I just really like you a lot.”
She balled when I said that. Then I told her I wouldn’t just be her friend and to text me when she’s ready to get together again. She asked if she could keep me updated on how her feelings developed, but I said I only want her to get a hold of me when she has it figured out and wants to hang out again. She balled, kept kissing me and wouldn’t leave. It was so weird. She kept holding my hand and said she missed going to church with me and to not forget her
How could she miss going to church if you guys have been hanging out and everything’s been so great?
This went on for 20 minutes. Then she gave me her bracelet…
It’s like, “Cool, I can pawn this later for a little bit of cash.” That’s the kind of shit I would be saying. “Sweet, what’s this worth?” I’d bite it, “I don’t know if that’s 14 carat. That might be gold plated. I don’t know if that’s real gold. I think I can get 50 bucks for it, though. Buy some beers with the boys, go to the titty bar.”
…and I walked her to her car where she cried and kept making out with me until I told her to go so she didn’t miss an appointment. I didn’t tell her sister or anyone why we were no longer hanging out, but their brother creeped on her phone and she was texting her ex. Just like she had told me. So, they found out and were not happy because this guy does this all the time.
Well, she’s obviously not over the ex. And as the book says, there’s nothing you can do about that. So, he was still in the background. She’s not over him. However long it was going on, she was emotionally bonded to him. Remember, chicks that just break up, they’re all over the ice. They can be hot for you one minute, hot for the ex the next, and then hot for some other dude. It happens. That’s why trying to get into a relationship with some chick in this situation is dicey. You’ve got to be on your game.
But 3.5 weeks into no contact, and she’s with another guy!
I wonder what that means. She’s a drifter. She’s just passing through. “Hey, babe, thanks for the pussy. Good luck with the new guy.”
It’s some guy she met at the bar she works at. And she seems like she has been dating him.
I wonder what that means. It’s a real enigma.
I’m confused, because I can’t tell if she lied to me…
Does it really matter?
…or if she actually met another guy during the last few weeks and she blew off her ex.
She’s a drifter. That would qualify as “she’s not yours, bro. It’s just your turn.”
It seemed so genuine when we decided to go separate ways.
I’m sure it was. She felt that in the moment. She was obsessed with the ex, but now she’s with some other guy. So, you got a little cocky and reality came along and smacked you upside the head. It happens, bro. Don’t take it personally. This is why you date. It’s like test driving a car, and you just found out that the fucking rings are shot and the tranny fell out on the road. It happens. Take it back to the lot. Turn it in. Get your money back.
I just don’t get how she’s with another dude if her ex was the reason for it all.
Well, obviously, because she’s all over the ice, she’s not over her ex, her emotions are raw, and when women are in this situation, she’s probably trying to replace the intimacy she had with the ex. She tried you out, and now she’s trying this other guy out. There might be other dudes.
It sounds like you’re looking for exclusivity and monogamy, but this is not somebody that’s ready for it — ready, willing, able and open to it. And I don’t see her being ready, willing and able and open to it.
Anyway, I just wanted your thoughts on this.
Thanks Corey. You are the man. Trump 2024!
We shall see. I don’t know. I don’t know if he could win again. The elite hate him. I don’t think they’ll allow it. So I think it’ll be more communism and more socialism for the land of the free and home of the brave. Going to be great. Can’t wait. Lots of fun, looking forward to it.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“For a relationship to happen, both people must be ready, willing, able and open to having a committed relationship. That means there are no exes in the background they are still trying to resolve issues with or personal problems they need to fix. People typically project what they want onto others and ignore the reality of what they are really like. We tend to ignore reality because we become attached to the way we want things to be. Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you. Without mutual effort, love and appreciation, a healthy relationship is simply not possible.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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