What you should do when a woman you are dating still can’t decide between choosing you or another guy she is dating.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who lives in a small town of only twenty-five thousand people. So, his potential dating pool is much smaller than a guy who lives in a city of millions.
He’s been casually dating a woman for about two months who is also dating another guy, and she still can’t seem to decide whether to choose him or the other guy she is dating. He asks my opinion on how to get her to choose him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got an email here from a guy who lives in a really small town. He says it’s about twenty-five thousand people. So obviously, compared to a town like the one where I live in South Florida, where there’s literally millions of people down there, his potential dating pool is just a lot smaller. So, you can imagine a guy who lives in a really small town, it’s going to be a little harder for him to find women that he likes and who likes him that are single, ready to mingle, just because of the sheer differences in population size.
So naturally, it’s going to be easy for a guy like that to feel like he’s having a scarcity mindset, because he really just physically doesn’t have the kinds of choices that a guy who lives in a big city would. And so, if you’re really into a particular woman and she’s dating other guys, just like you should be dating other women to find the best choice for you, he wants to get her to choose him over another guy that she happens to be dating. So, you can understand he’s just going to naturally be inclined to try to force things, because he’s going to be worried about losing her to somebody else, which obviously is the exact opposite that you want to do.
This reminds me of the older black and white movies. This is what you see so much of. The women are always trying to win the men over. And a movie that’s always on around the holidays in the United States is the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. And you see a lot of the themes that I talk about in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, playing out in that movie.
Donna Reed’s character has always had a crush on Jimmy Stewart’s character since she was a little girl, and obviously, she’s always dreamed of one day when they grew up that they would get married and live happily ever after. And so, she kind of schemes and plots with other women in the neighborhood to try to get herself and him together so the chemistry and the sparks can fly, which they did a great job of capturing that on film.
And you’ll see there’s also some parts in the movie where there’s also this really attractive blonde haired woman — I forget what her name is — who lives in a city that all the guys in the city are trying to date her and get her to marry them. And so, there’s a scene where you see Jimmy Stewart’s character walking down the street, he’s kind of never really paid much attention, and you can tell she’s trying to get his attention and validation and he’s got other things on his mind. And yet there’s other guys in the scene that are trying to get her attention and validation.
So, it’s just interesting to see this movie from close to 70-something years ago that it was made. You see these themes where the guys that are trying to get her attention and validation, this other particular woman, basically, she’s blowing them off and they’re getting ignored, and she’s trying to get Jimmy Stewart’s attention and validation. And so, he’s basically got two women in town that are trying to get his attention and validation.
But he’s got goals, he’s got dreams, he’s got plans. He’s got things that he wants to do, and he’s got a good reputation as a good dude. And so, two of the most attractive women in the whole small town that they’re from are really into his character and seeking his attention and validation. That’s why I often like to recommend that movie, just so you can kind of see that interplay, because it’s just a beautiful love story, how it evolves over the course in the movie. And plus, you see, naturally women are chasing the most desirable guys.
And that’s the kind of philosophy that you want to adopt, and that’s a mindset you want to have and how you want to behave. If I remember, there was this scene, there was I think three guys. I think her character’s name is Charlotte, the blonde. I’m not sure about that. You guys can fact check me in the comments. But there’s three dudes standing around her going, “Hey, baby. We’ll be here waiting for you,” as she goes over to talk to Jimmy Stewart’s character. And those guys get nowhere with her, just like in real life. So it’s a great setup for this email that we’re going to go through.
Hi Coach Corey,
I’ve got a dating situation that I’d like to get your read-on and advice about. The girl is taking her sweet time to choose between me and another guy.
So, obviously that bothers you that she’s taking her time, and that’s part of your problem. You’re acting like the woman is supposed to act. You should be focused on your purpose and your mission in life and have the attitude that “The best girl is going to win me over,” just like Jimmy Stewart’s character in “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
That was kind of his attitude, that he wasn’t really even trying to do that. He was just living his life. He really wanted to get out of that town, and move away, and go see the world and do fun, adventurous things. The last thing he wanted to do was stay in this little town and settle down with one of these beautiful women that wants to have a family and babies with him eventually. But obviously, he eventually settles down and they live happily ever after.
First, a bit about me – former special forces soldier, author, currently climbing the 7 summits, (5 down, 2 to go).
Nice job, dude.
Big plans to start my own business in the future. My point is that I’m a bad motherfucker, and I know it, but I suck at dating and relationships.
I wouldn’t say you so much suck at it. You just haven’t been employing a good, successful strategy up until this point. And obviously, I go into detail on that in “How To Be A 3% Man.” For those of you that don’t know, you can read it for free and UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
I currently live in a small country town (population 25,000) and work on the oil rigs to save coin for my climbing shenanigans and raise seed capital for my business designs, (which should take another 2 years). The time away and small pond makes dating a challenge.
The girl lives in said small country town, and we’ve been in each other’s orbit for years. We started dating 2 months ago but have only had 5 – 6 dates in that time, (why will become clear soon). Dating this girl was going great; sex on the second date, mutual attraction levels off the charts.
He might be overrating that a little bit.
But every time our chemistry really started to take off, she pulled back.
Or maybe you were a little too overeager and overzealous, and you started over pursuing and acting too feminine. Kind of like these guys around Charlotte’s character in “It’s a Wonderful Life” were doing, where instead of being focused on your mission and purpose, like Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey was, and really not wanting much to do with women in particular because he had big plans and he didn’t want to get sidetracked, be more like Jimmy Stewart’s character and less like the beta males that are begging for scraps, basically.
After 1.5 months of this, she started setting dates but then kept flaking and cancelling. This went on for about 2 weeks.
Well, the important thing is if she flakes and cancels and then doesn’t bring up getting together again, then you just say, “Hey, well, get in touch when your schedule frees up,” and you leave it that. You don’t keep calling and making dates and giving her the opportunity to blow you off. Because what you’ll notice, what happens in those moments, is she might be more attracted and things might be going better with the other guy. Maybe she’s been seeing him longer, so she’s a little more emotionally invested with him.
And just from what I’ve read so far in your email, you can tell that you’re overeager, and you’re trying too hard, and you’re more in the mindset of seeking her attention and validation, instead of just having the attitude, “Hey, may the best woman win.” You’re hoping to get her to choose you. That’s the wrong mindset, dude.
Admittedly, I fucked-up by making myself too available to her. Due to Corona, I’ve had a 6-month hiatus between work contracts and too much free time on my hands. When setting a date, I actually said, “That’s cool, I know you’re busy. I don’t really have anything that I can’t shuffle around.” Dipshit move, I know, but that was before I read your book.
Well, it’s just the whole thing. What you’re really communicating is “I will rearrange my schedule for you. I’m completely open, completely available.” Again, you’re acting more like the guys that are crowding around Charlotte’s character — or maybe it’s Violet, I can’t remember, but she’s the the attractive blonde — and there’s always three or four dudes trying to get her attention, treating her like a celebrity as she walks up and down the street, because she’s obviously one of the most desirable women in town.
During that 2 weeks of flakiness, I realized that I had no idea what was happening and was totally unprepared for the situation. That’s when I consulted your dating videos and bought your book, which I’ve read 3 times now. Your smack works dude!
It works when you apply it.
After 2 weeks of no contact, she finally set a date to talk about what had been going on with her. Definite date set. Sure enough, the allotted time rolled around and she didn’t show. Thanks to you, I anticipated this. Fifteen minutes later, she texted to say she was running late.
Yeah, that’s pretty rude not only to not show up on time, but to text 15 minutes after you’re supposed to be there. What does that tell you about her level of respect for you? Does it sound like she’s like, “Oh, I hope he likes me?” Or is she like, “Oh, yeah, I’ll get there when I get there.”
Having read your book, I replied with “That’s cool. I’ll just pour myself a glass of wine while I wait.” She gave me blow-by-blow updates of her tardiness after that and showed up pronto. Test #1 in the bag.
When she showed, she was open and honest about what had been troubling her. She’d been dating another guy who had asked her for a commitment, and she was now trying to decide between me and the other guy. I realized that, while honest and genuine, this was a jealousy test, to which I responded with nonchalance towards the other guy and genuine confidence that she’d choose me. Test #2 in the bag.
Well, at the end of the day, like George Bailey’s character, the last thing he wants to do is a commitment and settling down. He just wants to have fun, because he’s planning on getting the hell out of this town anyway. So, he’s not looking for any entanglements.
She then ran another test, “I don’t know whether I want to live my life following someone else’s plans,” (my plans). I swatted that test away by stating my non-negotiables, summarizing what I believed to be her non-negotiables, (showing that I’d listened), and suggesting that all other details were open to compromise — if a relationship situation were to develop. Test #3 in the bag.
Over the course of the night, I could feel her attraction level to me growing exponentially with each passed test, (thanks to your guidance).
Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And that’s what he’s doing here. He’s giving her the freedom to stay, to go, to choose the other guy, to choose him. He’s totally okay with it, because at the end of the day, he’s been getting the milk for free. Why buy the cow and you get the milk for free?
If you have a take it or leave it kind of attitude, you’re cool with hanging out, having fun and hooking up, and you’re also cool with her choosing to go and get into a relationship with this other guy and never see her again, either way, it’s cool. You got the milk for free. How is it not a victory?
I could almost pick the moment she started convincing herself around to my way of thinking. We had sex, and her attraction level had never been higher. During the date, she actually said, “You’re melting me” and “I’m glad I saw you, because this has made my decision so much clearer.”
You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. That’s what he did. She can stay, she can go. Either way, he’s cool. As a friend of mine would say, she’s replaceable.
She texted to thank me for the date later the next night, and I thought I’d press my advantage by asking her out on the next date, to which she said, “I’ll be in touch.” Perimeter breach acknowledged. No contact rule initiated.
Well, you have that attitude towards no contact rule like it’s a tool. It’s really not. It’s negotiation. You’re saying, “Hey, let’s get together,” and she says, “I’ll be in touch.” And then you say, “Okay.” So, at that moment, you both walk away from the negotiating table, and you give her the space and time to honor what she said she was going to do, which was “I’ll be in touch.”
So, you have to give her the space to do that. If you only hold out for a week or a few days and she doesn’t get in touch, and then you come unglued and start blowing her phone up, well, you’re not congruent with your words. Because your words are like, “Hey, cool. Yeah, get in touch.” That’s a take it or leave it, non-attached attitude.
She’s made it clear that she needs time to work through her emotions and make a decision. That was 3 weeks ago, and in that period, we’ve had my birthday, Christmas and New Year’s. She texted me for my birthday and Christmas, but not New Year’s.
She’s probably busy on New Year’s.
I’ve kept it light and humorous in replying to her birthday and Christmas texts without applying any pressure. Other than that, I’ve maintained the no contact rule.
So far, so good.
So, this is where I’m at. I maintained the no-contact rule for 3 weeks, and that levy won’t break. If I’ve done the mental math correctly, this girl is notoriously indecisive to start with and is probably utilizing her vacation time away with family to retreat from her problems and think about her decision.
Well, you really shouldn’t be worried about her decision. Your job as a man is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen, and hang out, have fun and hook up. And as far as her relationship decision, it’s really none of your concern.
I genuinely care about her, and don’t want to apply any pressure…
But you kind of are without realizing it.
…because I know this situation stresses her out, but I also know that no contact has the highest odds of getting the outcome I want – which is to keep dating this girl.
You walked away from the negotiating table. That’s what’s happened. You’re not employing a tool or a technique. It’s just she said, “I’ll be in touch.” So give her the space to be in touch.
So, one thing I will say is that if she texted you for birthday and Christmas, that was her getting in touch, so you should use those as opportunities to say, “Hey, let’s get together.” Remember, she said “I’ll be in touch,” so she reached out. Sounds like you might have been hoping that she would ask you out, which most women won’t do that. So, I would say that was probably a missed opportunity.
With that said, three weeks (and counting) seems like a ridiculous amount of time to contemplate this decision, and it’s now crossing the line for what I’m willing to tolerate in dating a girl.
Easy dude. You’re getting all angry. Don’t get angry. But she did reach out. And, you know, maybe she’s just saying, “Hey, Merry Christmas.” That’s typically what they do. She said, “I’ll be in touch.” So, she reached out on Christmas, said, “Hey, Merry Christmas,” and she reached out on your birthday. The first time she reached out, whichever one came first, you didn’t mention, I would have used that as an opportunity to set a date with her. But you didn’t. That was a missed opportunity, bro.
That’s why I say 10-15 times. You didn’t read the book 10-15 times, because you were cherry picking. You think no contact, applying that as a technique, is going to solve everything. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals in the book.
I’ve started dating other girls (that I’m not particularly interested in) – small town, slim pickings and whatnot. My world doesn’t hinge on dating her, and I’m genuinely cool to walk away, but I’m still holding out hopes that this girl will eventually come to the party.
So, Coach Corey, I’ve got a couple of questions:
1. Should I maintain the no-contact rule indefinitely? If she chooses me, great. If she doesn’t, at least I’ll maintain an air of mystique and dignity.
I would just let it be at this point, because we’re we’re middle of January here and you haven’t heard from her since Christmas. But then again, this this email’s a week or so old. So, you might have missed the opportunity when she reached out to you. You didn’t try to set a date.
2. She’s crossed my perimeter of indecision. Should I call her out on it? If so, then how? Via text now, in person if she chooses to meet up, or not at all?
Well, again, you’re looking for some moment, “Okay, now we’re in a relationship.” You’re focused on the wrong thing, instead of just creating the next opportunity for sex to happen. Because like I said, she reached out on your birthday and Christmas, but you didn’t do anything with that.
3. Should I just let her go?
See if she contacts you again.
4. What’s your read on this situation, how would you play it?
Well, I’d be reading “How To Be A 3% Man” 10 to 15 times, because you’re not following the instructions in it. You’re missing opportunities, because you’re focused on the no contact rule.
So, at this point, since so much time has passed, I would just wait to hear from her. You might not hear from her at all. Maybe she got serious with this other dude. You don’t know. That’s why your game’s got to be tight. You’ve got to know the material in the book. You can’t half-ass it. You can’t flip through the book a couple of times and try to cherry pick and look for the perfect technique that’s going to solve everything for you.
Like I said, it sounds like you’re using a no contact rule as a technique for every issue you’re ever having with her, and that’s just not how it goes. You don’t understand the philosophy and the principles here. You stepped away from the negotiating table, she said “I’ll be in touch,” she reached out on Christmas and your birthday, but you didn’t use it as an opportunity to set a date.
And now several weeks have gone by, so I would say that also you’ve got to look at her actions and you’re obviously way more into her than she was into you. And you know, it sounds like she’s more emotionally invested to this other guy if he’s at the point where he’s pushing her for a commitment. And you really haven’t heard very much from her, so more than likely things are going well with the other guy. So, I would just let it be and I wouldn’t do anything at this particular point.
If you ever if you do hear from her again, make a date, hang out and have fun and hook up. But like I said, her actions and her words, she really wasn’t that enthusiastic to make a decision to be with you. And that should really tell you everything you need to know. Because you admitted, you had made some mistakes in how you had shown up.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When it comes to dating, it’s women who do the choosing on which guy they want to pursue, date and eventually have a relationship with. Women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear and whose attention and validation they have to earn. This is why it’s essential when you are dating a woman who has multiple choices with men that you give her the space and time to miss and choose you instead of trying to force her to choose you. Forcing her to choose is what weak and undesirable men who have no choice with women do and which ultimately leads to rejection. High value and high-status men let women come to them at their own pace and compete for their attention and validation.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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