What you should do if a woman you are dating says she cares for you, but is confused and not ready for a relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who is dating a woman who has been a platonic friend for the past fifteen years. About ten months ago, they became romantically involved after her relationship of eight years ended. However, she is bouncing back and forth between saying she needs space, is confused and not ready for a relationship, but she contacts him when he backs off and they hang out, have fun and hook up.
He desperately wants to have a relationship with her, but he is fearful that if he backs off more, she will find another guy, or if he pursues her more, she will permanently banish him to friend-zone. He wants to know what he can do to help her get over her fears, so they can be together and have a great relationship. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Thank for all your great advice, you have a very deep understanding, and I appreciate all the help I’ve gotten from your book and YouTube videos. I’ve read the book 4 times so far. I will get to 15!! So I have a ways to go, but I’ve watched a TON of your videos as well.
(As I discuss in the beginning of the book, you’re only going to retain about 8-10% of what you hear, read or see every time you go through it. When you go through it 10-15 times, you know it backwards and forwards. When something happens, you’re not thinking about what technique to use. You’re thinking about the philosophy and the proper mindset to have that causes you to perpetually stay in your masculine, and therefore remain perpetually attractive to her. Obviously, vacillating back and forth is giving you mixed results, and it’s going to rake you over the coals emotionally, which is not fun.)
Your advice has helped me steer my way through this relationship,
(That’s part of your problem You’re totally focused on the relationship),
but I have a major hurdle that I can’t seem to get past.
(You just need a little modification in your strategy. You need to buy in fully to the philosophy you’re learning in the book, because you haven’t yet. Why? Because you’re in a state of fear. What you fear you attract, but what you look at disappears. You’re fearful if you back off and let her come to you completely, she’s going to choose somebody else.)
I’ve been dating/seeing a girl now for almost 10 months, and we’ve clicked very well and enjoyed each other’s company immensely for the most part. The kicker here is right from the beginning she’s said, “I’m not looking for a relationship,”
(When women like you, they’re going to help you. When a woman says “I’m not looking for a relationship” or “I’m confused,” what she’s really saying is, “You’re pushing me too hard, too fast, and I don’t feel safe and comfortable. She’s trying to help you attract her),
and I always believed her, because she’s always been in a relationship.
(Women fall in love slowly. It’s got to be their idea. She has to want it and feel safe and comfortable enough to want it. And no amount of you using logic and reason is going to talk her into that.)
We’ve known each other as friends for over 15 years, but reconnected romantically a few months after she split with her ex of 8 years.
(As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” The problem is this woman does not feel free to come and go as she pleases, because you’re so focused on locking her down to a commitment, acting like a woman.
Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. The relationship, bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating labels, relationships and commitment is all feminine energy. It’s the nesting impulse of a woman. When you start acting like a female bird, the female bird you want is going to fly away because it ruins the sexual polarity. Your actions are turning her off.)
In the last month, I’ve seen a change in her, and it’s progressed to her wanting time and space to work on herself, where she once again said she didn’t want a relationship, even though she cares for me deeply and is confused about it.
(She brings it up when you’re pushing too hard. The problem is, you’re unsure of yourself, and women tend to reflect back to you how you tend of show up.)
Because of your advice, I’ve stepped back when she mentioned this again a few weeks ago, have not over pursued her, stopped sending texts and only reply to hers after telling her to contact me when she wants to talk.
(The key is, you’ve got to consistently do this. If a woman is chasing you, she’s not going to dump you, and she’s not going to blow you off.)
This does seem to have the desired effect in that she contacted me and said she missed me, so I proceeded with the “3 H” mentality, and over the last 3 weeks we saw each other 3 times and slept together once, but I still feel something isn’t clicking at the moment.
(That’s because you’re in a state of fear, and fear leads to the dark side.)
The last time we talked, she again said she wants space,
(That tells me you’re still obsessed with the relationship and locking her down to a commitment. You should just be saying, “Hey, take your time. When you miss me, get in touch and we’ll get together. I’d love to see you,” and leave it at that.
You’re not going to talk a woman into falling in love. It’s an emotional thing that happens by her consistently feeling safe and comfortable and feeling your strength to not totally come unglued and lose your shit when it’s not progressing as fast as you think it should.
She’s not feeling free. Sometimes she feels free, and then she comes back, and as soon as you think you’re making progress, you go right back to trying to lock her down, which is exactly what is consistently turning her off. So you should be recognizing by now that the strategy you’re trying to employ is not working),
because she has always been in relationships her whole life and needs to learn how to live with herself and be happy with it, rather than relying on someone else for her happiness.
(In other words, shes saying “I need my freedom and I don’t feel fucking free with you. You’re not getting the message, because you’re focused on what you want.)
But she also said she knows I’m not pushing her, and that it’s her fault because she keeps texting and calling me.
(Again, if it’s her idea, then she’s going to continue to pursue. If she feels forced, she’s going to back away.)
So basically, she’s pursuing me in that sense right until it starts to appear too deep for her to handle, and we start the cycle over again.
(No, this is what you’re telling yourself. What happens is, you go back to the same behaviors that turned her off to begin with. You need to let her come to you. She’s shown you consistently, if you just let her go, she’ll call and reach back out.
You’re violating one of the principles in the book. As I discuss in the book, when you meet a woman and start dating, you start with one date per week, and you just stick with that. It allows her time and space away from you, and as her feelings of attraction grow, she’s going to start to call and text you more.
Typically around the second or third week, she starts reaching out and texting you every couple of days. Then you just use that as an opportunity to set the next date, because when you do that, it’s her idea. She’s the one pursuing you. You don’t have to worry about getting rejected.
Guys who continually pursue cause a woman to not fall in love, because there’s never enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to wonder where they stand with you or to miss you. You’re getting in the way of her bonding with you, connecting with you and feeling really safe and comfortable, where she wants to make you her boyfriend. You need to let her come to you and stop trying to force things.)
When she says how great I am, I’ve told her that I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t just be friends with her, it’s romance or nothing, so I feel things could have a bad turn here pretty soon, even though she says I’d be the perfect boyfriend/partner, but she doesn’t want to take advantage of me. So my question to you is, how do I help or even if I can help her get past this, because obviously she does like me a lot, and I’m not sure what to do here.
(When a woman is pushing you away, you don’t call and blow up her phone. She said she needs space, so give her the space. It’s just like the cat analogy that I use in the book. The cat jumps up to sit in your lap, then it goes to roam the neighborhood again. You get attached to the cat sitting in your lap, so you run after the cat, pick it up and put it in your lap forcefully. Then the cat starts to hiss, and you’re like, “What the hell? You said I was a great guy.” Let the cat be. It’s going to do what it wants anyway.)
I don’t want to over-pursue her and appear needy or manipulative, but I fear just following the no contact rule and letting her reach out to me will always have one of two outcomes.
(Read the book 10-15 times dude. You’re focused on techniques. Techniques will give you inconsistent and unsustainable success.)
1) She drifts away, and I lose her do to my inaction,
(Women don’t dump guys they’re pursuing. You’ve got to let her come to you. Stop trying to force it. Obviously, you can see when you back off, she comes to you, you set a date and you hang out, have fun and hook up, but it sounds like when you’re getting together, you’re again focused on locking her down to a commitment, trying to figure out where you stand with her),
or 2) I drive her away by trying to help her see my point by just agreeing to see her and setting up a date, because that’s accommodating myself and bypassing her need for space even when she initiates it.
(She says she wants space. When she’s tired of the space, she reaches out. Just like the cat. When the cat gets bored it leaves to find another ball of yarn. Then when it gets bored again, it comes back, sits in your lap and purrs.)
Lastly, I wanted to make sure you know I’m not over chasing her at all,
(Bullshit dude. How do I know? I just look at her actions),
even though I am always available. I have my own business and work from home on my own hours as computer consultant, but the problem is still there. Knowing from day one her thoughts on a relationship, I have never once brought up the subject and was happy just going with the flow, but her perception is the more time we spend together, the closer we get to a relationship by default, so it manifested itself into a problem without me being the instigator.
(You just told me that you discuss it when you get together. If she brings it up, just say “Let’s just go with the flow and see what happens. Take your time. When you need space, just take the space.” She will kiss you and love you for that.)
If I continue to keep it light at my end, it inevitably progresses to what her mind tells her is a “relationship.” I won’t lie, I would LOVE to have a relationship with her,
(When you bring up a relationship, you’re acting like a woman dude),
and I’m sure she knows that, but at the same time, I’m not in any way trying to force that as an “end game” objective. I avoid the subject altogether unless she brings it up, which is usually only as an excuse to pull back.
(You’ve got to have a non-attached attitude like, “Don’t worry. Take your time. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen.”)
When she calls or texts, I do what I should and set a date and all goes well,
(What’s the fucking problem? Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen dude. Hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. She’ll reach out to you. You’ve known this girl for fifteen years. I don’t think she’s going anywhere. Obviously, she values you),
but her view on things goes back and still ends up in the same spot once she gets too close.
(What happens is, you think, “We’re almost there. We’re almost to a relationship,” and she feels that. She feels the vibe you’re putting on her. You’re focused on that, instead of just being the director and the driver of the fun bus.)
What this is doing is almost forcing me into a position of a relationship by way of telling her I don’t mind waiting, but I won’t wait forever, which is in essence me asking for a relationship, even though that’s not how I see it,
(So are you guys okay dating other people? Maybe you should mention that.)
and don’t want to reinforce that idea, making myself look weak or giving her an ultimatum.
(That wouldn’t work anyway.)
If she is dead set against letting anyone into her life in that way, what should I do, as I think we make a great pair and see this as her fear to get close and what that would mean.
I am hoping this could change given the right actions, so what would you recommend I do?
(Let her come to you, make the date, create the opportunity for sex to happen, and if she brings up the relationship, just say “Hey, we’ll take our time. Let’s just enjoy each other and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future. Let’s have fun right now. The future will take care of itself.” When she says “I’m not ready for a relationship” or “I need space,” you should take that as meaning you’re pushing too hard and you’re giving off the vibe that you want to lock her down to a commitment. If you have a take it or leave it, non-attached, indifferent attitude, and you tell her to take her time, she’ll appreciate you for that.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“An alpha male is sure of himself, his self-worth and what he brings to the table in a relationship. He does not feel the need to prove himself to anyone and is repulsed by women who do not recognize his value, no matter how hot they are. He knows he deserves a true equal and teammate who mutually chooses him also, and who makes a mutual effort to be together. A beta male is fearful, unsure of his value, thinks he must prove his worth and tries too hard when women do not recognize his value, and this leads to inevitable rejection. If you don’t recognize and act like you are valuable, women won’t see you as valuable either. You attract how you act.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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