Some things to consider if she cheats on you, is disloyal and suggests an open relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 3 different emails from 3 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who got cheated on multiple times by his girlfriend of a year. They broke up, but he’s considering a friends with benefits situation. The 2nd email is from a viewer who got his friends with benefits pregnant.
The 3rd email is from a viewer whose girlfriend, who he financially supports, cheated on him and now suggests an open relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of about a year. Within the first couple of months of the relationship she cheated on me with multiple guys and I stupidly took her back afterwards thinking I was Captain Save-a-Hoe.
You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. If somebody’s cheating on you multiple times with multiple dudes – they don’t respect you, they don’t value loyalty and monogamy – it doesn’t matter what they say. “Oh, I’m going to change.” It’s like, whatever. Maybe she’ll change, but that can be some other guy’s problem.
I never really trusted her after that, but I still tried to make the relationship work. Towards the end of the relationship, it was revealed that she cheated with an additional 2 guys, (5 guys total throughout the relationship).
Five for the price of one. She definitely belongs to the streets.
So, I finally ended things and said that I never want to see or hear from her again. The following day, she reached out and said that she felt terrible.
Yeah, she feels terrible that she got discovered.
And she was crying the whole day, and that she’s going to change.
Sure, I totally believe for this time. He’s never trusted her, never believed anything that came out of her mouth, but I think she means it this time.
I said I wasn’t interested, and then she asked if we can still stay in contact and see each other from time to time.
So, she says, “Oh, I’m proposing a friends with benefits.”
So my question is: Do I block her and move on with my life, or do I use her as a friend with benefits until I find someone better?
Thank you so much for your help,
Well, you can use her as a friend of benefits. But keep in mind, especially with somebody that’s cheating on you like this, you don’t know who she’s been with. So, every time you hook up with her, you’re literally risking getting a disease of some kind or slipping one past the goalie – in other words, knocking her up.
So, if you’re looking for loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, a healthy, normal relationship, it definitely isn’t going to be with her. That’s a reality. But if you’re a glutton for punishment and you’re a masochist and you want to torture yourself… just wait until we get to the next email.
And so, the next email is a guy that was kind of in your situation, and he accidentally slipped one past the goalie. So, fast forward potentially where you’re at and let’s go this this is “Bob” from Belgium, actually. Let’s fast forward. Say you keep hooking up with her, and let’s see what happens…
Second Viewer’s Email:
My name is Bob, 27 years old, from Belgium originally. I have been following your work for about 8 years and have read the book 10 times. I am in a bit of a pickle… I’ll try to keep it short.
I had a friend with benefits…
Remember, this is what the first guy was thinking about doing. It really matters, the integrity level. If you’re going to keep a friends with benefits, what happens if you slip on past the goalie and she doesn’t want to get rid of it? What if she wants to keep it?
…that ended up becoming pregnant.
Well, hopefully it was yours… as far as you know. Well, actually, maybe not. That’s why paternity tests are a good idea, because you never can tell. Always “trust but verify,” as Ronald Reagan said.
The thing is, I was never planning to be in a long term relationship with her.
This happens to a lot of dudes. Especially some of them ballers, they hook up with those girls. They throw the condom in the garbage can, she retrieves it. Oops! Slipped one past the goalie “accidentally.”
I have caught her lying multiple times and she has many red flags, such as lying, she monkey branched to me from her ex…
So, she cheated on the ex with you, I assume?
…threatening to not let me see the child, not even telling the child I am the father if I ever leave her.
Well, that sounds like lots of fun. She’s thinking, “I’ll lock him down by lying to him.” Hey, how’s that first guy? Are you watching this? What do you think? This is like fast forwarding into the future, almost like having a time machine. What if?
So, we know we’ve got a liar. We know we’ve got a cheater. So, the first two girls belong to the streets, definitely. And she’s already threatening him, “Oh, you’re not going to be able to see the kid, but you’ve got to pay me.”
I have been struggling for many months on how I should proceed, since I want to break up.
Well, you should break up with her and get a paternity test. Make sure it’s actually yours, because we know she’s a liar and cheater. She monkey branched from the ex to you, so I assume that meant she was probably still with the ex, or at least he thought she was still with him.
The thing is that the child is innocent and I feel immensely responsible.
Well, that’s because that’s what good men do. They take care of their children. But you’ve got to deal with her.
A child should have a loving mother and father.
Correct, I agree. But if the mother is a woman that belongs to the streets. That’s going to be dicey.
But the thought of staying with her is killing me.
I wouldn’t stay with her, dude, because your child needs a good example. If you’re going to co-parent with her – well, actually, you kind of don’t really have a choice at this point, assuming the kid is yours – the best thing you can do is provide a good example. So, if you know you don’t want to be with her and you stay with the kid, you’re going to be miserable, you’re going to make her miserable, you’ll both be miserable together. And guess what, you’ll make your child miserable. And then your child will grow up and get into another miserable relationship. Probably the same kind of thing you did, because that’s the example you set.
Kids are going to follow what you do, not what you say. Even though you think, “Oh, we’ll stay together and we’ll help our child avoid the mistakes we made.” No, the kid will go out and do the same thing, because you never transcended it. That’s why, if you know you don’t want to be with her, then you should go find somebody you do want to be with and build a healthy relationship with her.
And as you’re co-parenting your child with the woman who belongs to the streets, your child, especially as they get older, is going to be able to see the good, healthy example and the right way to do things, versus the wrong way that more than likely the mother is going to continue to provide. So, the best thing you can do for you and your child is to not be in a relationship with this woman and go find somebody to have a good relationship with, so you can be a good example.
I have put it in my mind that I should stay with her until at least 3 months after the birth to be there during the most difficult time and then go live somewhere close by so I can be in my daughters life as much as possible.
Well, she’s already pregnant. It’s not like you’re going to get pregnant again. You might as well enjoy the friends with benefits. I mean, I wouldn’t continue to be with her, but I understand she’s got a kid– your kid, hopefully, as far as you know. That’s basically where you’re at. But if you’re thinking long-term, what you really need to do is provide the child a great example, irrespective of what the mother does.
Third Viewer’s Email:
I got into your How to Be a 3% Man about 5 months ago, I’m currently on my 4th read, still a ways to go. I’ve been dating a girl for 2 years now. She lives 2 hours away from me and has 2 young children.
She got some trophies from another relationship. And I’m sure I’ll get roasted over that. People will be hating on me, “I can’t believe you refer to them like that. Oh, it’s so horrible, Corey.”
We stay in touch on a regular basis, and she and I have made it a point to get together every weekend when she doesn’t have her kids, (her custody order doesn’t allow the kids to spend overnights with a romantic non-relative).
Those are always fun too.
I support her financially while she is pursuing a degree in nursing.
Well, the punch line is not here yet. He’s paying her bills, basically, for a woman that lives 2 hours away and who has two kids with another man, and the kids aren’t even allowed to spend the night. Does that sound like something you want to get involved in? Whew! But wait, there’s more to help you make your decision.
About 3 months ago, I caught her cheating on me.
What does she actually bring to the table? She’s not loyal, and you’re paying for her bills? Why, man?
When I confronted her, she bawled like a baby and profusely told me how sorry she was.
She’s sorry she got caught. That’s really all that is. You’re paying her bills and she cheats on you. I mean, what a dummy. She can’t be too bright.
I was devastated, but after we talked about it (in person), I told her I was willing to work through it and give her a second chance.
To what, to cheat on you again? You’re paying her bills. She lives 2 hours away. She can’t even stay the weekend when she’s got the kids. So, it’s kind of like a glorified friends with benefits. What’s the upside for you, dude? If you stay with her, you’re giving her permission to do it to you again, because there are no consequences.
A woman like this should learn the harsh reality. You cheat on the boyfriend that lives 2 hours away and is paying for all your bills, and you’re a single mom with two kids from another guy? And you’re not even allowed to have any guys stay over? If you become her boyfriend, you can’t even stay over at her house because you’re not family. In other words, you’re not married. Man, the things dudes do for a little piece of box. Must be some good pussy.
Things appeared to go back to “normal,” but the open (and freeing) trust in the relationship had, admittedly, become suspect.
She ain’t trustworthy, dude. You did all this for her. You’re willing to help co-parent her kids from another relationship when you’re around her, and you’re supporting her financially. And she cheats on you and you’re like, “Oh, I’ll give her a second chance. Sure, I’ll give her another chance to do it to me again.” Just wait, this email is just kind of getting warmed up.
The last six weeks or so, she’s been showing signs of complete disinterest. She used to text me “good morning” every morning, touch base, or call to talk – or I’d call her – at least once or twice a week. Now she’s become distant, taking forever to respond to my text and in the last couple of weeks, not responding at all on a few occasions, (and I’ve been “mirroring” her texts).
Well, if she’s not responding, that tells me you’re texting her and she’s not replying, and then you’re texting her again. So, you’re not even following what the book teaches. It doesn’t sound like you modified your behavior at all. So, basically, it sounds like you’ve trained her to believe that you’re basically a chump and a doormat, and she can walk all over you, cheat on you, whatever, and you’ll just put up with it. Must be some good pussy.
I’ve become suspicious she’s seeing another guy, or guys.
Well, yeah. If she cheated on you, why would she stop? You’re 2 hours away. She can easily have another dude come over and beat up her pelvis when you’re not in town, and then feign how upset she is. All she really doesn’t want to lose is your money.
This past weekend, she brought the kids to my city on Sunday, and we took the kids to a bounce house to play and all went to dinner afterward. I got her and the kids a nice hotel room.
That was so generous of you.
The next day, we went ice skating and had a late lunch. The whole time, though, I noticed she just “wasn’t there,” (i.e., while she was physically present, her mind was miles away). Honestly, I felt like a stranger to her.
Hey, you should match and mirror that. Again, you’re investing and I don’t know how you you think you’re matching and mirroring her actions. This woman is treating you like a chump, and you’re begging her to do it again, as quickly as possible.
After lunch, she left with the kids to drive back to her home.
She went back home and Chad Thundercock, the guy she’s actually been having sex with, comes over and beats up her pelvis, blows out his barrels in your girl, shoots one in the cum catcher.
That night, after she got home, I called her to talk about my observations. When I kissed her before she left, it felt like I was kissing a total stranger.
Well, that’s indicative of how she feels about you. What is this woman doing for you, dude? Seriously, it just sounds like she comes and spends your money and it’s like kissing a blowup doll, apparently. She doesn’t even kiss back.
As I dug deeper, she said, “This relationship isn’t realistic. We hardly see each other and live so far away from each other.”
Her attitude’s like she’s doing you a favor. It’s like, “Really? You’re doing me a favor, sweetheart? No sex hardly, and you’ve got two kids from another dude, and I’m supporting you financially… for what?”
I told her I’d come to her house this weekend and hang out and have fun, but she didn’t seem receptive to that.
So, again, you’re just completely ignoring the fact she doesn’t even want you around, and you’re trying to force yourself into her life. How about you read the book 10 to 15 times and actually do what it says, instead of the opposite? That would be really helpful for you.
I then told her that her “reasons” sounded more like “excuses” than “complaints.”
Well, it’s kind of all the above.
During our conversation, she asked my thoughts about an open relationship. I told her “no”…
Well, you’re kind of already in an open relationship, whether you want to admit it or not, dude. She’s sleeping with other guys. And judging by how she treats you, she’s like, “Oh, you think you can do better me, sweetheart? Then you should definitely go and do better.”
…and asked if that’s what she wanted. I detected a hesitation before she answered, “Maybe, but no, I don’t want that. I’m too selfish and don’t want to share.”
She wants to share herself with other men, but she doesn’t want you sharing yourself with other women.
I wasn’t convinced, but ended the conversation with a “good night and have sweet dreams.” She said she’d call me the next morning after she dropped the kids at school, but didn’t. I didn’t call her or text her.
Good. I wouldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t call or text this girl for any reason. I wouldn’t even ask to see her again until she brings it up next. If she’s like, “Oh, let’s have an open relationship,” I’d be like, “Hey, you know what, open relationship? You’re right. You are 2 hours away, and what am I getting out of this except you giving me a hard time, and on top of that, you’re not even loyal and faithful.” This woman ain’t going to be loyal to you any time, dude. Come on, have some self respect. Jeez.
Two days ago, she texted me asking if I was willing to revisit the “open relationship” discussion.
Well, newsflash, bro, you’re already in an open relationship, whether you wanted to be in one, or not. She’s not being loyal to you, and it’s obvious she has no intentions of it, but she sure likes the money.
I texted her back saying, “There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t take second place to anyone, and that’s not the kind of relationship I want with a woman, especially you. If you want to maintain and have a monogamous relationship…
Newsflash, she’s not capable of that, and her actions show that she has no intention of honoring that.
…with a loving, caring, loyal, and honest man, let me know. If not, please don’t bother calling or texting me ever again.”
She texted back, “You could have just said ‘no … that’s boring.”
I replied, “What’s boring? Tell me what’s on your mind.”
She texted back, “Like I said, you could have just said no. So, what do I do now?”
I texted her back, “I honestly don’t know. The consequences of your decision are something you have to figure out on your own.”
I’ve gone silent and so has she. Granted, it’s only been about 72 hours now, and my heart and soul are currently in anguish in the pit of my stomach, but I’m wondering if I handled it correctly.
Well, dude, I’d be blocking her number and never speak to her again. She’s not going to be loyal and faithful to you. Plus, she’s 2 hours away and she’s got kids with another man.
Should I have gone straight into “no contact,” and should I stay there?
Yeah, permanently. Block her number.
Or should I have called her to discuss it with her to find out why she’s feeling the way she’s feeling and opened her up?
I mean, seriously, bro, come on. It’s like you’re trying to turn a hoe into a housewife who ain’t even loyal to you.
I do love her with all my heart, but her text about an open relationship was so disrespectful, I’m pissed!
Yeah, bro, that’s just nuts. So, remember, he said this: “I support her financially while she’s pursuing a degree in nursing.” So, this is probably a guy with more money than common sense. Wow. Just wow. That’s just awful. So, no matter where you are in the world, you could have been this guy.
And so, to the guy that wrote the email, it’s like, seriously, dude, have some self respect. Come on. She ain’t going to be loyal to you. I’d cut her off financially. I wouldn’t pay her bills. It’s like, what are you getting out of it? And she’s cheating on you! If it was me, I’d be blocking that number, and I would never speak to her again.
And you’re delusional to think that you’re going to have a healthy relationship with her. Plus, she’s 2 hours away, there’s an ex involved. The only way you could be together on a more frequent basis is if you move to her. And you shouldn’t even be entertaining that unless you wanted to live in her city. But on top of that, she’s not even being loyal and faithful to you. It’s like, what do you think is going to change?
If you treat her right, if you actually follow what’s in the book, she might fall in love with you and be exclusive. But as soon as you slip up, she’s going to be getting the side sausage from Chad Thundercock. That’s just the way she is. You’re looking for loyalty, monogamy. Just because you’re loyal and faithful, you being a good guy has no effect on how she’s going to treat you. She’s just not loyal. There’s nothing you can do about it. That’s just the way it is. You just have to accept reality, instead of projecting your fantasy onto this woman and expecting things to change.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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