What it means when she says you don’t take your relationship seriously or like it’s important.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has a very common communication problem that is typical between men and women. Women often complain about the attention they get from their men, and the men misinterpret this to mean they need to justify their actions and effort in the relationship, when in reality women are simply communicating that they need more romance, attention, affection and love.
It’s very easy to understand how to fix this if men learn the secret language of women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He says he’s only read 3% Man a couple of times, and you could tell he doesn’t know material. So, he’s kind of having a problem with his kitty cat. He’s having a problem understanding what the kitty cat is trying to communicate with him. And this actually is a pretty common problem between men and women. Because when women say something, it often comes across as a complaint, because quite frankly, it is a complaint, but men misinterpret that. And then, what happens is they start using logic and reason to justify their previous behavior and why they’ve behaved a certain way. And what the woman hears is nothing’s going to change. You’re just going to keep doing what you’re doing.
And so, in this particular case, she’s communicating some things. He’s taking some classes now to become a pharmacy tech because he wants to improve himself, and as I’ve said many times and I discussed at length in “Mastering Yourself,” you get paid based upon the value that you bring to the marketplace. You get paid for your reserve of knowledge, and you get paid for developing your gifts, your skills and your talents. So, this guy correctly is looking to improve his value proposition that he can offer to prospective employers in the future, so he can earn more money, which is what he should be doing.
However, because now he’s spending more time with school, he is not as fully present in his relationship as he was, and his girlfriend can feel that. And she’s basically complaining, “I want more of you. I want more of your time and your attention,” and like most guys, he goes into justifying why he’s doing what he’s doing, instead of understanding all she’s really communicating is, “I want to see more of you. I want more of you. You’re not giving me enough of your presence as you were before.”
But he hears it as a complaint that he’s got a debate and win an argument. And all that happens is they walk away from this conversation, he feels like she doesn’t appreciate what he does as a man to provide, and she feels like he doesn’t care enough about her in the relationship, which is actually not true. But since men and women basically speak different languages and they communicate in different ways, he doesn’t really understand what she’s communicating, and vice versa, she doesn’t really understand what he’s communicating.
So, since he’s the only one watching these videos, I assume, and sending an email in, I’m going to tailor my message to help him make up for the fact that his girlfriend doesn’t know these things.
Coach Corey Wayne,
First off, I’m going to be honest with you, I’ve only read your book a couple times.
I say 10 to 15 times, and part of why you’re struggling is you don’t really know the material and you’re not recognizing things. And this is why I tell you guys, don’t just focus on learning pickup skills and dating skills and then start getting laid and go, “I don’t need the rest.” Because he’s in an 8-month long relationship, and because he didn’t bother taking the time to learn the material, now the relationship skills are needed, but he doesn’t know them. And so, he’s messing up big time, completely unnecessarily.
And unfortunately, this is what I see. Guys don’t listen. They don’t take me seriously when I say read it 10 to 15 times. They complain, “Oh nobody needs to read a book 10 to 15 times.” And I’ll do a phone session with that guy six months later, after his wife or his girlfriend dumped him. He’s like, “Oh, I’ll do whatever it takes! I should have listened, you were right.” I’ve heard it so many times over the years. But hey, dudes are going to do what they’re going to do.
My question is in regard to my situation right now, and your thoughts and idea would be appreciated. I’ve been with my girl for about 8 months. She has a 5-year-old.
I can hear all the red pill guys going, “Oh, she’s a single mom. Just dump her. Pump a dump, bro. Don’t get serious.” What if she was a good wife and her boyfriend or her husband died suddenly, or the baby daddy? Something happened, and she’s a really good person, comes from a good family? “Oh, it’s because she’s a single mom. Rollo Tomassi told me I can’t do that.”
When we started dating, she opened up about all the trauma from her past.
So, that could mean a lot of red flags, could mean she’s totally messed up.
I can say that you can make a few movies from it.
Definitely not a good sign. It’s a whole street, a whole valley of red flags everywhere as you’re driving down the road.
I try not to put myself in a savior position.
Well, we’ve got another sighting of Captain Save-a-Hoe! Maybe not. Maybe she’s a good person. But after that paragraph, you’re like, “Yikes.” So, if she’s a little nutty, she may be too messed up to work things out with. It doesn’t mean she definitely is, but there’s a good possibility. The odds are not in her favor, unfortunately. Just reality.
As of recent, I’ve started taking courses to be a Pharmacy Tech.
Good for you, dude.
It will allow me to grow, personally and professionally as I learn more.
You are right. This is what a man should be doing – your purpose, your mission, growing your value proposition. Growing your reserve of knowledge and developing your gifts, your skills and your talents.
She was supportive at first, but she’s changed…
I would say she’s still be supportive. But the problem is she feels like now, your new career is getting in the way of your relationship. And what she’s saying is she can feel you’re not spending as much time with her. And that’s all she’s trying to communicate is, “I want more of you. I want to see you more. I want more of your presence. You’re not here like you were as much in the past.” But women don’t articulate it that way. They often articulate it just like she does, as kind of like a complaint.
…saying stuff like “You don’t seem like this relationship is important”…
So if you hear something like that, it’s like, “What do you mean, baby? Why would you say that?” “Well, you’re just always working and you’re always studying and you’re never here.” “I was just here last week. I just took you away on a weekend a couple of weeks ago to a bed and breakfast. What are you talking about?” That’s typically how a guy responds. He starts using logic and reason to justify it, instead of just going, “Oh, she just wants to see me more. I’m not as present with her as I was.”
You say, “Do you feel like I haven’t been around as much, I haven’t been as present much? Well, I’m sorry, baby, if what I did has made you feel like I don’t care or it’s not important. That’s definitely not my intent. And by the way, you look really cute today in that dress. What else, honey? Tell me more.”
…because I study too much. I’ve also heard “You thought that’s what I needed”…
Probably, that response is he’s going, “Hey, I’m trying to make more money, trying to improve my financial situation for us, in the family.” And she’s like, “Well, you thought that’s what I needed.” Well, actually, it is what she needs, even if she doesn’t recognize it. But what she’s really saying is, “I want you to need me, to want me, to be with me, to be present with me.” That’s what she’s trying to communicate.
And this just tells me that he’s not doing a good job of making her feel heard and understood, because he didn’t take the time to learn the information. This is a completely avoidable issue. If he had just followed the instructions, he wouldn’t even be in this situation. But these kinds of screw-ups are what typically cause enough pain to the guy to go, “Alright, I really need to learn this. Okay, I need to listen to Corey. Alright, I’m going to do it this time.”
…and “What about me? You’re doing that, what do I have?”
I’d say, “Baby, you’ve got my sexy body. Are you saying you need my sexy body more in your life? More sexy time for you? What do you need more of?” “I want you. I want to spend more time with you. I want to feel like you care about us.” Love is playful and fun, so use playfulness and humor. All she’s saying is, “I want to see you more. I want to be around you more. I want to hold you more. I want to touch you more.”
She wants romance, she wants affection, She wants communication. She wants QT, quality time. That’s all she’s saying. The worst thing you can do is start using logic and reason like, “I just took you out to dinner the other night. I just took you and your kid to Disneyland for the weekend three weeks ago. Why are you complaining?”
But also, to be fair, she’s not understanding where he’s coming from. He could say, “I’m doing this for myself, yes, but also for us. Because as I do better, as I make more money, money gives us choices. We can do more fun things together as a family.” You’ve got to paint that vision that “It’s for us, so I need your support and encouragement.”
If a woman doesn’t support your purpose and your mission and is trying to get you to stop, like in this case, you could interpret some of the things she’s saying like she’s trying to get him to to quit his new endeavors. What she really wants is she wants him to quit being away from her. Because he was with her more, he was present more in the past, and she just wants to feel that he’s there. That’s all she’s saying.
We took a nice break because she feels I’m working more on my future than on what we would share together.
Again, you’re not spending enough quality time with her. That’s all she’s saying. And you have misinterpreted it because you, like most guys, started using logic and reason to justify your actions. And what she hears is that she’s not important enough for you to make time for her. That’s it.
And it’s the same complaint that women have about their husbands that are never home,”You never make time for us and the kids.” He’s like, “Honey, we’re going to take a big trip this summer,” and nothing really changes. And he continues on, and then when he gets served with divorce papers, he’s like, “I didn’t think she meant that. I didn’t think she really was going to leave. I didn’t think she really meant that she was that unhappy. We were still having sex occasionally.” They’re always shocked.
The courtship never ends. That’s part of one of the chapters in the book. And so, what’s going on here is you’re falling down on the courtship and you’re not making her feel heard and understood.
She won’t take “I’m trying to better myself” as an answer.
Yeah, because when you say, “Hey, I’m trying to better myself,” all she hears is “I’m going to keep doing this thing that keeps me away from you.” That’s what she hears. So, you could rephrase it and say, “I’m trying to better myself for both of us, and I will. That will enable me to make more money. But what I understand, if I’m hearing you right, you’re basically saying I haven’t been as present with you as I was in the past. I haven’t spent as much time with you and your child and us as a family. And you know what, you’re right about that. And I’m sorry I let you down.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been showing up as much. I appreciate you letting me know what you need from me, and I will endeavor to do better. And by the way, those jeans, honey, they make your ass look so incredible. They look like they’re painted on, and I think I’m going to have to take them off with my teeth and do some naughty things with you. But before I get to that, let’s talk a little bit more about this,” and then keep talking.
Love is playful and fun. It’s goofy, it’s silly, it’s not serious. But you’ve got to understand what your girl is asking from you, because if you keep saying, “I’m doing this, I’m doing that,” like most guys do, all she’s hearing is, “You’re not important enough to me. I don’t care. I’m not making the time for you.”
And eventually she’s like, “Well, I’m not important. He’s not making the time, I’m out.” Her attraction goes down, because she feels like he doesn’t care. Even though he does care, he doesn’t understand what she’s trying to communicate, and therefore, he’s giving her the wrong response. And she hears the response, “You’re not important. I’m not making time for you. Nothing’s going to change.”
What should I do, and how should I go about it?
Well, if she has pushed you away and you’re taking time apart, and she doesn’t want to see you, or whatever it happens to be, but then when she does miss you and she’s tired of the space, she’ll reach out. She’ll call you, she’ll text you, whatever. And then when that happens, your job in the courtship is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and then to hook up in that particular order. That’s what I would do if I were you.
If you don’t understand what she’s saying, as a matter of fact, you should assume that you don’t understand what she’s saying and memorize, “What do you mean? I’m not sure where you’re coming from.” Make her explicitly tell you in language that you can understand and be 100% clear, and then repeat your proposed interpretation of her words back to her and get her to confirm it.
But if you haven’t been as present, you’re going to say, “You know what, I’m sorry. I misunderstood you. I didn’t really get what you were saying. Now I believe I do, which is that I just haven’t been as present. I haven’t been spending as much time with you, and your child, and us as a family as I should have, and like I was doing before. Is that what you’re communicating?” “Yes, exactly.”
“You know what, I’m sorry. You’re right, baby. I’m sorry. I’ve been neglectful. I’m sorry I haven’t been as present. But now I understand where you’re coming from, and I will make it up to you. Let’s go away this weekend together, The three of us.” Whatever. That’s it. This is such a simple thing to fix.
But this is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. I’m not doing it to be a pain in the butt. You’ve got to understand, we’ve all been propagandized by the same nonsense since we were children. It’s like, you don’t know what you don’t know. And so, in order to figure out how we interact with each other in the world in dysfunctional, unhealthy and unnatural ways, we first have to become aware of it. And that’s where the book comes in, because the book helps to change the way you perceive life and relationships and correctly interpret what your girl needs in the relationship, so you can fulfill it.
As men, we want to make our girls happy. But in this particular case, he’s trying to make her happy, he’s doing what he feels is right, and quite frankly, what he knows is right, and what is right, but he doesn’t understand what she’s trying to communicate, because he didn’t take the time to learn the material. So, he’s giving her responses that make it seem to her like, not only is nothing going to change, it’s going to keep being this way and probably get worse over time. So, he’ll spend even less time with her in the future.
But like I said, in this case, if she’s pushed him away and says “I want space” or whatever, it’s like, “Okay, call me when you miss me terribly. Call me when you just can’t take being away from my sexy body anymore, because I’d love to see you,” and then make a date. Hang out, have fun, hook up. You’ve got to be able to communicate this to her.
Again, one of the most important phrases a man can learn to communicate with a woman, including his mom, his sister, the women he works with is, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from. I’m not sure what you’re trying to communicate with me.” And then ask her, “Are you trying to say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?” And if she says “Yes, that’s exactly it,” then ding! Hey, we have a breakthrough.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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