She Complains I Don’t Reach Out Enough

What you can do if your girlfriend complains you don’t initiate contact enough.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who I’ve answered several emails in previous newsletters. He’s been with his girlfriend for about 7 months. She sometimes complains that he doesn’t reach out enough and gets upset if they don’t say good morning and goodnight enough. He’s trying to navigate the balance between pursuing too much and not enough. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “She Complains I Don’t Reach Out Enough.”

She’s also complaining that, or she gets upset if they don’t say good morning or good night every day. So this particular emailer, he’s been with this girl for about seven months; she seems to come from a good family, but she does like 100% of the contact initiation. I mean, he occasionally reaches out when she complains about it a little bit. And the important thing to notice is that she’s complaining and that’s a good thing. In other words, she wants more of his attention, which is a good thing.

And when you build the sexual tension, she wants more of your attention. And that’s where this guy is. And so this email just kind of helps him fine tune and navigate the balance between pursuing too much and not pursuing enough. So let’s go through his email. Because if you’re following what’s in The Book and you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, she’ll be fine with her having to do 95, 100% of the contact initiation.

If you’re a good student and you read The Book 10 to 15 times and you’re dating a healthy girl and you’re in a relationship, she’s going to be calling you, she’s going to be texting you. She’s going to be FaceTiming you multiple times a day. And when that’s happening, it’s like you’re already talking to her enough. You don’t need to talk to her anymore. If she complains, “Oh, you never reach out.”

Just say, “Well, come over, let’s get together.” And then surprise her. If she complains about it a lot, like 2 or 3 times over the course of a couple weeks, “You never call me. You never text me”, then just surprise her with it. If she says, “We never do anything.” All that means is make another date as quickly as possible. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I’m a Spotify Premium Member and have previously had my emails answered in “My Dad Acts Like a Beta Male And No Longer Dates My Mom. How Can I Reach Him?” and “Should I Go for the Kiss or Wait?” In the second email, I mentioned that I initially rejected a Bulgarian girl, but after she reached out, she convinced me to give it another chance.

I don’t remember the specifics of that Video, but for whatever reason he dipped on her and she didn’t like the gift of missing him. So she did something about it. And now they’re in a relationship.

We’ve now been together since late October 2024, and overall, things are going well. I’ve read 3% Man 17 times and, as you say, it’s still a process to fully shed old beta-male habits. I have some questions regarding communication and chase. My girlfriend comes from a good family and has expressed that she values being a supportive wife and mother in the future. From my vetting, I haven’t noticed any major red flags. However, she has mentioned that she wishes I would take more initiative, gets irritated if we don’t say good morning and good night.

So good morning and good night texts just suck. They kill the attraction. They’re boring, they’re predictable. And after you do it for a few weeks, they just; then it just feels like a chore. You don’t want your relationship to be a chore. It’s nice to get a sweet surprise. “Good morning baby, I’m thinking about you. Have a great day.” Just totally out of the blue and unexpected. But having a say good morning every day and good night every day. And if you don’t do it, your partner gets upset. That sucks. It’s like, you know, girls love roses. So, you send her a dozen roses and she really appreciates it.

But if you send her a dozen roses every day for 30 days, you know, after a week of it, she’s like, stop sending me fucking roses. (FYI! As a woman editing this Newsletter, women will NEVER get sick of a man sending her roses or flower arrangements! This is just Corey’s opinion). Scarcity creates value. Women like a guy that is a challenge. And so, I suspect, just because of this woman’s behavior, she’s probably a little needy as well. So he may have to kind of put her in her place a little bit about that. And so if she keeps complaining, you know, she gets upset he says if they don’t say good morning and good night.

And so if she’s trying to get him to start reaching out and saying good morning and good night and says, “babe, I’ll do that sometimes. I’ll do it when I’m feeling like I want to surprise you and I want you to do the same. I am not interested in every day being like a robot that we have to text each other. Sometimes I’m not going to be available. Sometimes, I might sleep in, sometimes you might sleep in. Whatever. It’s like. So if you miss me and you’re thinking about me and you’re going to bed, say, babe, go to bed. Love you. Talk to you tomorrow.” Whatever. That’s sweet. That’s what I want.

One of the girls (puppies) are crying. They want to get out of their little shelter because they can hear me talking and they’re not getting attention. See what happens? I’ve got two of the female puppies. (Ocean) Rocky here had five. (They) He had three girls and two boys with Ocean. Now they’re about six weeks, but they’re still kind of shitting and pissing everywhere. So I spent about a half hour this morning cleaning up the poop that was stuck to the floor because it’s like caulk. You spray some Windex on it, let it soak. Then I took Rocky outside, took him for a walk, and when they don’t get attention or enough of it, they start squealing like little girls.

Especially the girl puppies, which is kind of neat because they act like chicks. It’s pretty funny. It’s interesting to observe. So if you hear the, “wee wee wee”, it’s the girls saying, “daddy, show us attention, show us attention, play with us, spend some time with me.” And when they do that, you go, “sure”, you don’t argue with them. You just give them attention. Just like girls, because they are girls. They act like girls. Even the dogs do, which is interesting. It has been an educational experience. I hope you guys appreciate me sharing these things and talking about them. (COREY LOVES THE PUPPIES SO MUCH HE SAYS WE’RE KEEPING THEM ALL!)

So back to the good morning and good night text. So that’s a no no I definitely would not agree to that. Don’t do it. It’s anti challenge. It’s boring. It’s predictable. And it becomes meaningless after you do it for a few weeks. And so you want to be able to surprise, both of you should be surprising each other with those things. “Hey babe good morning. Thinking about you. Have an awesome day. Hey, babe. I’m going to bed early. Thinking about you. You’re the last thing on my mind as I close my eyes tonight. I love you, see you tomorrow. Talk to you tomorrow.” Whatever happens to be. Never ever get into, “Good morning. Good night.” It just sucks.

And if your girl complains about it, you say, “babe, I love you, but you’re being a little needy. If you miss me and you want to say good morning, I’d love that. I honestly don’t want a good morning and a good night text from you every single day. I want it to be a surprise. Just like when we see each other, it’s a surprise. It’s something to look forward to. It’s a gift. So let’s be spontaneous. Let’s keep our love story alive by doing things like that. If you feel the need to reach out and say good morning or good night, then do it. I love seeing your name pop up in my phone and vice versa. I want to be able to surprise you with it and you’d be really excited about it. Not, ‘why didn’t you text me? Good morning, you bastard! You don’t love me. You don’t care about me. Wah, wah, wah, wah.'” That’s no fun.

She has mentioned that she wishes I would take more initiative, gets irritated if we don’t say good morning and good night. And had an emotional outburst a few weeks ago.

Which is basically the equivalent of, “Daddy doesn’t love me. He doesn’t pay enough attention to me.” So just give her a little bit more attention and not overdo it. Just little, like little catnip here and there. Little surprises don’t make it a everyday thing. Maybe once a week, reach out unexpectedly. Send her a good morning or good night. Text or send her a meme in the middle of the day. “Hey, just stepped out for lunch. Hey, just got out of a meeting, and I was thinking about you. Hope you’re great. Here’s a funny meme.” There’s lots of them on Twitter, so that way it’s a surprise.

It’s. “Oh, I didn’t expect to hear from. Oh, that’s so great. He cares about me.” That’s all she’s really saying is, “I feel like you don’t care.” So you have to find more creative ways to show her you do care, but you’re not going to turn into a robot and do “Good morning. Good night texts”, even if she complains about it. And explain to her, it’s like, “I don’t want it to be sweet. I want it to be a surprise. I want you to only say good morning when you really want to say good morning to me. And I only want you to say good night when you really want to say it. I don’t want to be robots.”

“That’s just boring. I don’t want a boring relationship. All you got to do is look around. There are boring relationships and boring people everywhere. So we want to be fun, and we want to be spontaneous and unpredictable, because I don’t want you taking my text for granted and vice versa. I don’t want to take your text for granted, so let’s do it when it comes from our heart, not because it’s an obligation. I don’t want to be obligated to love you in a specific way every single day, like a robot. When I fill up my heart, I want to give the gift because that’s what it is. It’s my gift to you.”

Feeling unappreciated for not receiving enough gifts or flowers on various holidays, which are plentiful in Bulgaria.

So flowers. So that’s a little bit of a cultural thing. And so that’s the kind of thing you have to ask her, because in the States, in the West, maybe Birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day. I don’t know what special things there are, but if she’s expecting you to do something sweet for certain holidays, if it’s not something you’re really into, you can surprise her with it. But if she gives you a list of 50 different occasions over the course of the year that you’re supposed to give flowers or gifts.

It’s like, that’s kind of excessive. Again, a gift is great when it’s unexpected and it’s rare. Again, scarcity creates value. So always remember that. And if she’s asking for things that are unreasonable or she’s acting a little needy, say, “Babe, I love you. You’re being a little needy. But I understand you really love me, and you want to hear from me more. But I don’t want to become boring and predictable.

And I don’t want you to do it either. I don’t want to ever get to the point where I just see, oh, here’s another good morning text. Or I feel like I’ve got to respond to the old ball and chain. I’ve got to respond to the bitch in the morning. I don’t want to respond to the Bitch in the morning.” Right, Rocky? It’s got to be a gift from the heart. It’s spontaneous.

I’m trying to find the balance between making her feel loved and appreciated without becoming a pretzel. Most times, acknowledging her feelings has worked, and her attraction doesn’t seem to have dropped after I’ve surprised her more often.

Yeah all she’s really saying is, “I want my daddy. I feel like my daddy doesn’t love me.” Remember, they’re emotional. They’re girls. They’re going to be a little bit more insecure about these things than us guys. And so it’s like catnip. You just sprinkle it sparingly. A little bit of salt over the shoulder, a little bit of sugar over the shoulder. Drop it in there now and then. If she complains a little bit more recently, surprise her once or twice a week here and there. Just unexpected ways. Maybe send a meme, just go to the Hallmark store, get a card that’s sweet, say something sweet in it and mail it to her. Mail it to her house. If you know her address at work or whatever send it to her at work.

Just do unexpected things like that. When she’s complaining that she doesn’t feel like you care enough. So just do it a little bit more. Maybe once a week. Do something different, a little bit more if she complains about it excessively. But like I said, you’ve got to understand the fact that she is complaining about it and her attraction has not dropped even though she’s complaining about it. She likes it. Why? Well, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And that’s what you want to do.

She frequently posts about me on Instagram, FaceTimes her parents to tell them how special I am, and has expressed that she wants to move in together.

So she’s even talking about moving in together. She’s bringing it up.

Even if it means living far from her family.

This is what happens when a woman falls in love. They want to be stuck to you like a sucker fish. It’s like the Borg from the Star Trek The Next Generation from the 80s and early 90s. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. And that’s what happens. If you treat her right it’s like she’s just going to be stuck to you like white on rice. And it feels great. It feels great when your girl is like that. Especially if you guys have never experienced that before. It’s pretty freeing. It makes you feel amazing, makes you feel like as a man you can walk through a wall and do anything.

I just sometimes worry that it’s more about the illusion and the action itself rather than genuine connection, as she often feels unseen when she has to do 100% of the reaching out. Where’s the right balance between being a strong, centered man and ensuring she feels secure in the relationship?

Thanks for all you do for us men.

Best regards,

Bob

Well, congratulations on your success with this relationship. But like I said, she just needs a little bit more, just a little bit. A little bit more surprises. Don’t just think the good morning and good night texts are like the third rail. Just don’t do it. And if you are doing it, just say, “You know what, I don’t want to do this anymore because it doesn’t really mean anything. It’s like if I sent you a dozen roses every day for 30 days, the first couple days you’d be like, oh, it’s so sweet. My boyfriend loves me, my husband loves me. But after 30 days, you’re like, I got fucking dead roses everywhere.” It’s like, what the hell? I had to call for an extra bulk pickup from the garbage company. Stop it. You don’t want to do that. Less really is more when it comes to women.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.