She Didn’t Feel Safe & Ditched Me On Our Date

The importance of a woman feeling safe on a date with you to lead her effectively.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman on Bumble. The date seemed to be going well. He invited her to go have fun bowling, but didn’t tell her where they were going or gonna do. Just to follow him. They went through a bad part of town and she stopped following and went home. He tried recovering over text, but she wasn’t having it. He asks my opinion.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “She Didn’t Feel Safe & Ditched Me On Our Date”.

Well, obviously that is suboptimal. So this particular email, this guy met a girl on Bumble. The date seemed to be going well and then he invited her to go have fun. He’s like, “Hey, let’s get out of here.” And she didn’t know what he had in mind. And she’s like, “What are we going to do?” And she’s like, “We’re gonna go have fun.”

So he’s not like really telling her what they’re gonna do or where they’re gonna go. He’s like, “Just follow me. Trust me, bro.” Which women have got to feel safe and comfortable. If you’re gonna drive somewhere and so he wanted to go bowling next, but he didn’t want to tell her where they were going.

And then on top of that, so he like starts driving through a really bad part of town on his way to where the bowling alley is, which happens to be close to where she lives because she said, “Well, as long as it’s near my house.” But like I said, on the way there, he turned one way because it’s in a bad neighborhood. And she’s like, “Where’s this guy taking me?” And then she goes the other way and just basically says, “I’m going home.”

And so he tries to save it. He’s like, “Hey, we’re going bowling. Here’s the address.” And she’s like, “No, you can hit me up. We can go some other time.” So he’s all kind of bummed about that, but it just brings up a point. Women got to feel safe and comfortable with you. If it’s a girl you know from work, you met through mutual friends, or maybe you spent a half hour, 45 minutes talking to or an hour maybe you met at a party or some kind of function.

So you had plenty of time to create rapport. Maybe you’ve got mutual friends in common. In those cases more often than not, you’re gonna go pick her up. But if you’re doing online dating, you’ve got to understand this girl doesn’t know you. And when you start acting a little shady, that’s gonna freak a girl out. Which is basically what this guy did.

So he’s wondering if he should even reach out to try to set another date and go bowling, like he suggested or he should just call it a day and move on. But it is a good email to learn from because you can tell. It’s like, why would you think a woman would want to follow you through a shitty part of town? You’re not telling her where you’re going, and you met online. It’s like, what do you think she’s gonna think if this was your daughter or your sister or your mother that was on a date with somebody, how would you feel about that?

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I met a woman on Bumble who seemed like my type. From our conversations, we had a lot in common, especially through our sons, who both play hockey in the same area and even share some mutual connections. I’m black, she’s white, but overall our outlooks and personalities felt aligned. She came across as smart, funny, and easy to talk to. During our first video call, she casually mentioned she takes medication for ADHD, which didn’t bother me, it just gave me a better sense of who she is.

We went on our first date, and honestly, it went really well. I focused on keeping the conversation light and engaging, and she was laughing, opening up, and clearly comfortable. The chemistry felt natural, we even kissed at the dinner table. Toward the end of the meal, I suggested we continue the night and said, “Let’s get out of here.” She hesitated and asked what I meant. I reassured her, “Don’t worry, let’s just go have some fun,” and mentioned my kids were at home, just to keep things transparent.

Well, if you want her to fall somewhere, it’s like, “Hey, let’s go bowling.” And then you just go, “Here’s the address, you know, follow me there if you get lost.” Obviously Google Maps is pretty simple. Because again, this woman doesn’t know you and already she gets up and she’s like, “Where are you taking me? You’re not telling me what’s going on.”

She agreed, though a bit cautiously, saying she wasn’t sure what I had in mind.

Again, a woman’s got to feel safe and comfortable with you, and that’s what she’s doing. She’s not feeling safe because she doesn’t know you and you’re saying, “Let’s go do something.” It’s like, “Well, where are you going to take me? Where do you want me to go?” Especially if you want her to follow you somewhere. “Oh, we’re going to drive in this old abandoned road with no lights. Everything will be fine. Just trust me, bro.”

My plan was simple: Take her to shoot pool and extend the date. I also wanted to see if she’d be open to going with the flow and trusting my lead a bit.

Again, this is online dating, bro. She doesn’t know you from anybody. So you’ve got to think about that. Again, if it’s a girl from work or you met through mutual friends, you should be fine. But doing this to a girl you met online, it just seems like kind of shady.

She responded jokingly, “As long as it’s not a crack house and it’s close to where I live.” I laughed it off in the moment and told her to trust me, but I’d be lying if I said that comment didn’t rub me the wrong way. It felt like one of those subtle moments where race might be playing a role, even if unintentionally.

It’s like, whatever man, don’t take yourself so goddamn seriously. At the end of the day, we’re a bunch of spiritual beings having a human experience. And in this lifetime, you happen to have black skin. She has white skin. Maybe in a future life, you’ll be a woman and you’ll have white skin. Or maybe you’ll be Asian. You’ll be an Asian dude who lives in the mountains somewhere. That’s the way I look at these things. We’re a bunch of basically spiritual beings, and we live our lives in these meat bags until they can no longer house the soul. And then the soul departs.

On the way to the bowling alley, we did drive through a rougher part of town, though the destination was actually closer to her area. At one point, I made a turn, and she stopped following me.

That’s not a good sign. I mean, again, she’s letting you know that she’s like, “Okay, where do you have in mind?” She doesn’t trust you, obviously. And so you can’t just say, “Trust me, bro.” It’s not a good answer to give to a woman that doesn’t know you. It looks like you’re up to some shady shit. So what do you expect?

Then I got a text from her saying, “I’m going home.” I responded, trying to reassure her and finally told her where we were headed, but by then she had already made up her mind. I went home feeling frustrated. The date had been going so well, and that moment completely shifted things for me.

Well, it wasn’t going so well because again she felt unsure and unsafe. And you were trying, I get you’re trying to be mysterious and stuff, but you’re ignoring the fact that you don’t have enough rapport with her yet for her to trust you, bro. So it’s a bad way to go, my man.

Later, she texted saying she felt unsure about where we were going and admitted she got uncomfortable.

Duh.

She said she’d still be open to going bowling another time.

So again, if I have a girl who’s following me on a date, I’m texting her the address. “Meet me here”, because maybe you drive a little faster or she drives like most chicks, which is. She might get stuck in a light, so at least if she’s got it on her Google Maps, she could still meet you there. Especially when you’re driving through a rough part of town. Or you’re just saying, “Trust me”, you’ve got to think about how that looks, dude. That’s common sense, but common sense is not so common.

Now I’m stuck wondering, do I give this another shot, or take that experience as a sign and move on?

Bob

Well, I mean, you’ve got a 50/50 shot and at the end of the day, you liked her. It seemed to be going well. It’s just that she didn’t feel safe enough with you yet. So that’s a you problem. You didn’t lead properly when it came to making sure the girl felt safe, and that’s on you. So if it was me, I’d wait a week. I’d text her and say, “Hey you, I want to see you about getting together for dinner or drinks and then some bowling. What’s your schedule like?”

She may respond. She may say “Thanks, but no thanks.” But at least you can cross it off your list. And hopefully you’ll never take a girl on a date that you just met through a really shitty part of town, and going, “Trust me.” That’s just I mean, that’s to me, it’s so obvious. It’s like, why would you do that? But and on top of that, you weren’t really listening.

One of the things that the late, great Doc Love used to say all the time was “Women don’t lie and men don’t listen.” And so she was communicating that she felt unsafe and unsure. And your response was just “trust me”, that doesn’t work. That’s like somebody going, “Hey, I’m a Christian, bro. I wouldn’t screw you over. I wouldn’t steal from you. This is a good business deal.”

When you hear that, you’re like, “Oh, this guy’s probably definitely gonna screw me over.” So again, you’ve got to think this is a woman. What if it was your sister or your mother on a date with somebody? Just come on. Common sense. So, yeah, I’d give it a week or so. Reach out again. See if you can get her on a date. It’ll either be a yay or nay.

So she either meant what she said that she would definitely go bowling another time. In other words she’s open to giving you a chance. So see it through. She may reject you. It’s a 50/50 shot. Either way, you’ll find out. You can cross it off your list. But say she accepts and you go on the date and it’s great.

She feels safe. More kissy poo happens, and then you go back to your place or maybe her place. It sounds like in this case, she’d like to be close to her place. So maybe something on her side of town, especially if she doesn’t have the kids, and maybe you’ll be going back to her place bumping uglies.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com.

Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.