She Doesn’t Seem To Be Changing Her Terrible Past Behavior

Why she doesn’t seem to be changing her terrible past behavior.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s been following my work for years. He’s been with his wife for 7 years total and married for 6. They have 2 kids together and he is a step dad to her other child. They are in marriage counseling but things are not changing for the better, other than their communication has improved. She has cheated on him twice, she still invites attention from other men, doesn’t respect him and seems to have emotionally and mentally checked out. She doesn’t post family photos of them and just doesn’t seem to care. She has little to no interest in sex. He still wants to fix things and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “She Doesn’t Seem To Be Changing Her Terrible Past Behavior.”

Well, this particular email is from a guy. He’s in a difficult spot. He’s been with his wife now for seven years total, and they’ve been married for the last six years. They’ve got two kids together, and apparently he’s a stepdad to her other child from a previous relationship. So they’re in marriage counseling and although he says it’s not going well. Things aren’t really changing for the better. Although he says their communication has improved a little bit, but she’s cheated on him twice. She still invites attention from other men.

She clearly doesn’t respect him, and she seems to have emotionally and mentally checked out. She doesn’t post pose hardly any pictures of them together and she just doesn’t seem to care. Plus, on top of that, she doesn’t have any interest in sex. She blames it on a low sex drive, but it’s clear she’s just not attracted to him and she doesn’t respect him as a man. In big part because he’s put up with all of this crap and you can tell he really is trying to fix things in his marriage, and she just doesn’t really seem to even be making much of an effort.

Nor does she seem to care. Her attitude is, “hey, I’m not happy. So, tough titty. You know, I’m gonna invite attention from other men and it’s all your fault, basically.” And I mean, this video just goes to show it’s like, the one that I released before this that’s public to everybody, not a Members Only like this one, it was, “How Long Can A Person Hide Who They Truly Are?” And it’s like, character is destiny. And when you have a wife that cheats on you twice, and you forgive her both times and you’re trying to work it out. She basically knows that she can pretty much get away with whatever the hell she wants, and you’re going to put up with it. And so what it does is it validates to her, that, “hey, she can just go get another guy. She can cheat on her husband and he’ll just put up with it.”

And there’s plenty of guys out there that are so desperate for attention from women that they think it’s a good idea to date women that are cheating on their husbands, as if they won’t do the same thing to them. And so this guy is a good dude. He’s being a stepdad to her kid. They got a couple of kids on their own, and it’s despite all of this, she’s just really not willing to lift a finger. And it’s unfortunate because the other thing is, he says he’s been following me for years and he’s a big fan. He says he’s read 3% Man. Probably just thumbed through it one time and is just being lazy and trying to cherry pick in Videos.

But character is destiny, and so his wife has already proven that she’s willing to cheat on him if she’s not happy, and she clearly doesn’t seem to have any remorse, doesn’t seem to be worried about the consequences, doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal to break up the family and have her kid from another relationship have yet another father figure come and go in their lives. Character is destiny. And the vetting process is very important.

And this guy is not doing himself any favors by not learning The Book, but you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. And the fact that he’s this far down the line and he keeps putting up with it, it’s just, she continues to lose respect because for him. Because he doesn’t stand up for himself, he just keeps putting up with it and fighting it and trying to fix things where, you know, it’s like he’s pulling the cart up the hill and she’s kind of got a rope trying to pull the cart back down the hill and just wreck things. So this guy’s got some problems.

Viewer Email:

Hello Corey,

I’m a fan and have read your book, and have followed your content for years.

Well, if you just read The Book, once you’ve been following me for years, you’ve definitely been a piss poor student. And that’s on you. Because what you have control over in all relationships is you have control over how you show up. You don’t have control over how she shows up. And if you’re trying to fix things in your marriage or your relationship, the ideal as a man is you shouldn’t be doing these things for her.

You should be doing them for yourself and for your kids. And whatever lady is lucky enough to have you in her life. And that may be not your wife. You might not stick around with her, because from what you’ve written here, it doesn’t look like she has any desire or any intention to fix things, and she doesn’t seem like she feels any remorse for cheating on you. It’s almost like she’s kind of entitled to it because she wasn’t happy.

My wife and I have been together for almost seven years married for six. During this time, she’s talked to other men, sent nudes, and had cheated on me twice.

Well, what did Maya Angelou say? “When somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So she’s clearly a liar and a cheater. Doesn’t value monogamy, loyalty, exclusivity. Her word doesn’t mean shit. It’s as simple as that. She doesn’t care. And on top of that, it kind of seems like she feels entitled to it.

We have 3 kids together and one that I raise and take care of as my own. She tells me she’s not happy and the reason she did what she did is because she isn’t emotionally invested anymore that she’s loves me and wants us to work, and that she’s lost herself and she’s trying to get that back with me. My concerns are that I feel as though she’s not changing her ways, she’s secretive about her phone our sex life has dropped and she blames work and having a low sex drive.

It’s called low attraction and low respect for her husband, that’s what’s really going on here. That’s the big issue. And on top of that, part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries is like, “If you’re telling me that you want to work things out, then you’re no longer going to be secretive with your phone.” Love cannot exist where there is no trust.

“And you’re still behaving like a girl that’s got something to hide. So why should I trust anything that you say? Why should I take anything you say seriously? Why should I believe that you actually want to keep the family together when it always looks like you’re talking and having conversations with other people?” If she’s truly honest and loyal, there’s going to be nothing to hide. You’re going to know who she’s talking to and vice versa. But clearly she’s still probably really hasn’t changed her behavior.

When we’re intimate it’s amazing. She doesn’t list we’re married on socials and rarely ever post photos of us.

So in her mind, she’s wanting the public to know, “hey, all dicks are welcome.” You know, “shoot your shot, guys.”

She says it’s because she doesn’t want to pretend to be happy when she’s not.

In other words, she doesn’t want the world to think she’s exclusive with you because she’s looking for somebody that stimulates her emotionally. And the fact that you’re trying to seduce her and trying to have sex with her and you’re getting rejected. This is what happens when you read The Book one time. So I would venture to say that probably, you really, even though you’ve been claiming to follow me for years, you’re not really applying to things that I teach because a 3% Man ain’t going to put up with this crap. He’s going to set healthy boundaries, and then if she doesn’t comply, he’s going to enforce them.

I’ve asked how I can make her feel more happy or what she wants differently from me and her answer seems pretty vague.

Well, again, this is what happens when you don’t really take reading The Book seriously. It’s like you don’t even know what you don’t know. And so that tells me your game sucks. You’re probably not acting very masculine. You’ve made your wife the man in the relationship. And she just abuses you emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And probably physically because she’s not interested in sex.

She says all she wants it’s for me to respect her consistently, lay off on pursuing sex as sometimes she just wants to be cuddled, which is odd because I feel like when I’m trying to be affectionate in a non sexual way she still seems irritated by it like I’m crossing a boundary she blames her behavior on being overstimulated whether it’s the kids or work etc.

So that tells me that you’re trying to seduce her when the signs are there that are not there, that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced. And you clearly have no self-awareness of this because, again, you don’t know The Book and you don’t know what to look for. It’s like you’ve been following me for years and you didn’t take reading The Books seriously. And then you’re wondering why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, and she doesn’t like it when you even touch her.

That tells me you’re touching her when she doesn’t want to be touched. Again, if you are a good student in The Book, it would be the exact opposite. She would be the one that would be initiating most contact with you. But you’re probably selectively trying to cherry pick things from Videos, and you’re continuing to do it your way. She doesn’t respect you, she’s not attracted to you, and she keeps pushing you away and you have no self-respect.

We’re in marriage counseling where we have found out that our communication was a big part of our issues and sense we have been able to communicate more effectively and we don’t fight as bad as we did, however I feel as though things feel more like a co parent relationship.

In other words, they feel like roommates because there’s really hardly no any sex or intimacy.

I’ve recently discovered she has an avoidance attachment style due to her childhood trauma so she tends to isolate and resolve things on her own rather having those uncomfortable conversations with me. I feel like she doesn’t respect me.

She clearly does not respect you, Dude. How can she respect a guy that she cheated on multiple times and who looks like she’s probably still cheating on. And yet you keep putting up with it and it’s like you just can’t wait for her to abuse you more.

And at times I feel like she’s only with me because she’s comfortable, to be with the kids, I want to know what I should do?

Well, how about you take this seriously and read The Book 10 to 15 times like I say. You’ve been following me for years, and you’ve been hearing me roast dudes on videos just like you that don’t listen. And then you write an email and you’re like, “gee, I don’t understand why my wife’s behavior is like this. I don’t understand why she’s never interested in sex.”

You don’t know The Book you’re doing and saying a lot of things that are really unattractive, despite the fact that she’s got all these character flaws and she’s a liar and a cheater. And it’s clear based on her actions that she doesn’t seem to be changing her behavior, nor does she seem to want to change her your behavior.

I love her and we have had many good times together and we still do but I just her to acknowledge me and our marriage.

This, again. You’re like a, you act like a girl. You’re seeking her approval.

And I want to feel like I’m wanted and like she values me.

It’s like, you’re like, “Mommy, please give me attention. Mommy, please love me.” Again, this is not how a masculine man thinks.

Although it does seem like I prioritize our marriage and love her more than she does any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again Coach,

Bob

Well, again, The Book is not going to help you if you’re not going to read it. And the Videos aren’t going to help you if you haven’t read The Book. And if you’re applying or cherry picking from the Videos but you don’t understand the philosophy, you’re probably selectively cherry picking things that feel comfortable. But overall, you probably really haven’t changed your approach very much, and you’re just being lazy and you don’t take it seriously. It’s like, you know, I wish I could help you, but you got to participate in your own rescue.

And the fact you’ve been following me for years, and you can’t even be bothered to read The Book. And then you wonder why your wife is repulsed by you and doesn’t want to have sex with you. And then she cheats on you because she has low character, and yet you continue to stay with her enabler behavior. She doesn’t fear losing you. She has all the leverage. It’s clear you have communicated over and over you’re way more into her than she’s into you. And this is the exact opposite of what The Book teaches.

So what you should be doing is reading The Book and applying it and acting consistent with that. And you’re going to have to set some boundaries. I’d give her 90 days. Tell her, like “the stuff with the phone, it needs to stop. She needs to stop hiding, and she needs to be more open and show you that she actually wants to work on the marriage.” And if she’s not going to do that, then it’s not going to work out.

And if I were you, I would definitely be talking to a divorce attorney, and it probably would be a good idea if you’ve got joint accounts, joint bank accounts that you open up another bank account at a different bank, or just you can open one in the same bank that she’s not a signatory on, because even if it’s at the same bank, she won’t have any access to that particular bank account.

But it’d probably be better to put it in a different bank so you can put the majority of your assets in there in case you have to go ahead and get divorced. Because right now you’re wanting to work things out and she’s not really lifting a finger. It looks like, she’s keeping you around while she looks for another guy that’s willing to put up with her behavior and the fact that she hides her phone she’s probably still in touch with, the guys that she hooked up with. And maybe there’s other dudes in there that you don’t even know about that she’s been hooking up with.

So if she’s not having sex with you and she’s always on her phone with somebody else, well, that’s probably because she’s having sex with somebody else, because you don’t respect yourself enough and love and value yourself enough to stand up to her. I don’t really see how you’re going to be able to fix her or to save this, because she doesn’t seem to care. She’s not really trying, and you’re just kind of ignoring it and you’re cherry picking things. And again, you’re just not really applying. I don’t see any evidence that you’re applying what’s in The Book.

You sound like a guy that just found me yesterday, watched a few videos, and you really haven’t changed your approach. You do not sound like a guy who’s been following me for years. And if you really have been following me for years, you’re a terrible student. I’m sorry. Somebody’s got to talk some sense into you, because you’re not setting a good example of masculinity for yourself or for your children, because no self-respecting man is going to put up with this kind of behavior and just continue sticking around and hoping that it’s going to change.

I mean, she’s made it clear that she’s not interested in changing. On top of that, you’re constantly trying to touch and seduce her, and she’s pushing you away. You should have some self-awareness, that if you’re constantly getting rejected when you initiate physical contact with your wife, that she’s not attracted to you and she doesn’t respect you, and you should be reading The Book to understand why that is, and what causes attraction. So what you should be doing is taking care of what you have control over, which is how you show up.

And you should be showing up as your most attractive and masculine self that acts in accordance with what’s in The Book for yourself and for your children. Because it doesn’t look like your wife is going to do much to fix herself or to fix the relationship. Because, I mean, you kind of seem like a chump, Dude. I mean, I’m just being honest. It seems like you almost feel like you deserve to be treated this way. I mean, you should be with a woman who’s loyal and faithful because what you’re teaching your kids is like, “this is how women behave.” And guess what? They’re going to grow up and get involved with the same kind of people as their Mother.

And then 20 years from now, you’re going to be comforting your children because whoever they chose to be with has lied and cheated on them, just like their Mother has lied and cheated on you. It’s not just you that’s being affected by this. Your kids are being affected by her low character. And if this is how you want your kids to grow up, it’s like, hey, man, it’s your life. You do, you boo boo. I’m just here to help you make an intelligent, informed decision and to help you reach your full potential. But you got to participate in your own rescue. And I don’t really see you doing that.

I see you just basically looking for ways to continue doing what you’re doing and trying your same failed approach, which clearly is not working. Because if you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got. It takes two to tango. It takes two people who want to make a relationship work. And it doesn’t seem like your Wife has any remorse. It seems like she’s got an attitude that she’s entitled to feel this way because her feelings are what they are, and she doesn’t care. And so therefore, she wants to be with a man who turns her on. And you’re not.

So you should do what you can to read The Book and learn it and apply it so you can make yourself maximally attractive as a man, not only potentially to attract her so she treats you better. But if you’re going to pull the plug and end the marriage and get divorced, so you can find a good woman who’s going to be loyal and faithful, who has high character. Because you’re in a marriage with a woman who is a low character person. She cheated on you multiple times. The fact that you’re willing to look past that and forgive her for it, despite the fact that her behavior really hasn’t changed.

She ain’t going to respect a man that behaves that way. A self-respecting man is going to throw her ass back to the streets after he got his ducks in a row by talking to a divorce attorney first and not telling her about it. Separating the bank accounts. All you really have to do is open a new bank account, in a different bank, and then you take a cashier’s check with the majority of your money in there that she has access to. Put it in your other account. Because if you do pull a plug on a divorce, this woman will absolutely have no remorse about cleaning out your bank accounts and your money, and leaving you with nothing so she can ride off into the sunset with whatever new dude that she happens to meet.

But I feel bad for you. But I mean, these are your choices. And you’ve been following me for years, and you’ve been the one constantly choosing to not participate in your own rescue. And so you’re the one that’s enabling her behavior at this point. So if you’re not willing to stand up for yourself and respect yourself, you can’t possibly expect a woman to respect you when you put up with this crap. So I feel for you. But, Dude, it is on you to fix this. Like I said, if you apply everything that’s in The Book perfectly and she falls back in love, she may be faithful and loyal to you if she’s happy and in love, but as soon as you slack off again, she’s going to be doing the same shit all over, inviting attention from other men.

That’s just how she operates. It’s not your job to fix her or to save her, but you need to see reality as it is. And if you start applying what’s in The Book, you’re going to have to set some boundaries. And if she continues to violate them, you either put up with it, or, you end it and you leave again. Before you do that though you got to talk to a divorce attorney in your state, your city, your country, wherever you live that can advise you of the laws and your downside risk where you happen to be located in this spinning marble that’s hurtling through the galaxy at thousands of miles an hour.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.