How to handle dating a woman who says she doesn’t want a relationship when you do.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 10 times. He is now in week seven of dating a woman he really likes, but she is not ready for a relationship because she just got out of a long term relationship only two weeks before they met.
She is dating other guys and reminds him that she doesn’t want a commitment. This is obviously because that’s the vibe that he is giving off. He’s having a hard time not getting all dopey and drooling all over her because his interest in her is skyrocketing. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
For those avid readers that have done the work and read the book enough times, you know that typically, if you’re following what’s in the book and you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, she’s going to be in love with you around week seven and wanting to be exclusive.
The wrinkle in this guy’s story here is he literally started dating this woman or spending time with her two weeks after she got out of a 7-year relationship. So somebody that gets out of a 7-year relationship most times is going to take a year, year and a half, maybe even two years, before they’re really ready to be fully single again and get back in the dating world. She literally just went from one relationship to potentially another one.
The thing that I talk about in the book is that when you get involved with women like this, typically what you’re going to see is a lot of hot and cold behavior. You have to let these women come to you at their pace.
It’s also best if they’re doing most, if not, all of the pursuing, because women like this are hot and cold. Usually the ex is in the background and I mean, it literally was two weeks. You don’t know what the story was, but it was a 7-year long relationship.
She acts, a lot of times, like a girlfriend. It appears that he’s the guy that spends the majority of time with her, but he really likes her. He feels it’s one of those girls that only comes along every few years that he really connects with. It’s just that she just got out of a 7-year relationship.
The good thing is, he says, she comes from a good family, solid family environment. They’re close. Parents are good examples. At least, so he says. I have had times where I’ve done phone sessions with people and they’re like, “Oh yeah, she’s got a really great relationship with her dad.” Then when I get into it, I find out that dad’s kind of a beta male, really soft. She’s kind of like a bridezilla, walks all over her father, treats him like a doormat and the father ends up enabling a lot of toxic behavior. Just because the girl is tight with her father, doesn’t mean it’s a good type of influence.
You really have to see what the dynamic is that’s between them. Is it healthy? Do mom and dad have a good, healthy relationship? Are they able to work things out in a calm manner, or are they yelling, screaming and cussing at one another and being verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive towards one another? These are things you got to take into account.
Is there a healthy archetype at home? In other words, is dad the head of the household? Is he the man of the family, or is he a doormat? Is he a people-pleaser? The more messed up and dysfunctional the parents’ relationship is, that’s typically what their daughter is going to model.
What’s obviously happening is he’s really super into her, and I think she’s starting to pick up on that. Especially with a woman just out of a 7-year relationship, when she picks up on the fact that you’re way more into her than she is into you, often what happens is she starts to back off a little bit because she feels smothered.
That’s why it’s super important in situations like this that as soon as you can get to the point where the woman’s doing all the pursuing, typically two, three, four weeks in under normal circumstances, you let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing, and then you just simply set dates. Some weeks you might have three or four dates, another week you might only have one or two.
You can’t get butt-hurt or perturbed in any way. Plus, she’s made it clear that there are other guys in the picture and you want to match and mirror those actions. If she’s made it clear that she’s dating other people, you should continue to keep your options open as well.
A lot of guys make the mistake when they get involved with a woman like this and she’s clear that, “Hey, I’m not looking for anything serious, and I just got out of a 7-year relationship. I want to have fun. I want to explore. I want to date,” you do the same thing as well, because a lot of guys make the mistake of only dating her while she continues to date other guys.
Slowly over time, as the guy becomes more interested, he starts giving off the relationship vibe. He starts getting butt-hurt, perturbed, upset that she’s not picking him over the other guys. Whereas you just have to look at it as she’s just one of the women that you happen to be dating and are vetting, or in the process of vetting, for potentially a relationship. Because we know she just got out of a 7-year relationship, we have to recognize that there’s a good chance she’ll go back to that guy because she’s going to be way more emotionally bonded to him than than this guy that she’s been seeing for about seven weeks.
What happens also is that she’ll be hot and heavy and really into the guy, talking about a relationship sometimes. Then a week later, she’s totally cold. “I need space. I need to figure myself out. I need to work on myself.” You hear those kinds of things. There’s going to be a lot of flaky behavior. That’s why the book cautions you against getting involved with women like this, just because they haven’t taken the time to heal.
I recently started dating a woman, now in week seven. Everything’s great, I’ve read your book 10 times and watched your videos. About two months ago, I met an amazing woman who’s number I got, which then four days later, when I called resulted in a date the following week. We are both in our mid 20s and in the same college, however different majors.
One thing I want to say about that is sometimes I see these comments from guys that are this age going, “Oh, well Coach, you don’t understand. Our generation, all we do is text.” Yet, this guy calls her on the phone, makes a date with her. Besides, my girlfriend right now, she’s 31. I mean, you can go against reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. What I talk about in the book is texting is lower risk, less intimacy, where you run into mistakes is trying to make jokes and stuff with somebody you just met through text.
That’s why it’s so much better and it’s more masculine, especially when over the years, dating women that are much younger than me call on the phone, almost all of them are shocked when I call them versus just texting. When you’re in a relationship, even with women that are younger, typically what they do when they reach out , 9 times out of 10 you get a FaceTime call. Which seems to come in when you’re on the shitter often times. Or a phone call, that’s not a lot of texting. There is some texting. It’s when you’re intimate and you’re close, it’s typically phone calls and FaceTime is what you’re going to get.
It doesn’t matter how young or how old they are, and especially the younger women really appreciate that, because almost every guy that’s their age or around their age is just strictly texting, because texting is easier. It’s lower risk. Less risk of rejection. Whereas a phone call just shows more masculinity and you’re more willing to take a risk, especially when you’re in the initial dating process.
That’s why it’s always more masculine to call, but it’s OK to text. It doesn’t mean it’s set in stone, but I see a lot of guys often in the comments that are younger going, “Oh, coach, you don’t understand, you’re 53.” Dude, my girlfriend’s a few years older than you. It’s like, give me a break. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been doing this for multiple decades.
I started the dating process pure textbook. I was the James Bond character and the naughty little brother during the dates. We had a lot of fun and I ended up at her place the first night! Since then, I waited for her to initiate contact every week, which she did, and we ended up meeting 1-2 times weekly and during each date, I would sleep over and claim my fair share of medals in the indoor Olympics.
Typically what’s going to happen is, usually it’s after you sleep with a girl, that they start reaching out to you. That’s why, as the book says, just one date per week, because the idea is you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is. You want her over the weeks to get to the point where she’s a little frustrated that things aren’t moving fast enough, and most guys are way too overeager and call and text way too much and it gets in the way of her attraction slowly building.
Even though women complain about it, I’ve done plenty of videos over the years, especially the podcasts with the girls, there’s one reel that we did where we talk about a guy calling and texting too much, and then he notices that the woman texts less, she texts less often. Her responses are shorter. She takes longer to reply. When you notice that, you back off and it’s usually the women that are of cat lady age are the ones that are most vocal. “That’s not true. It should be 50/50.” You see that kind of nonsense in the comments.
Then you got you got all the guys, this is one of the reels on Instagram. I think I got it pinned to my profile right now. I’m closing in on 800,000 views at this point. It’s just funny. It’s usually the cat lady women that are in the comments going, “This is not true. This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” and there’s a ton of dudes in the comments going, “Yep, this has totally been my experience. Coach is totally right.”
It’s just kind of funny, because women are saying one thing, but the reality is they respond to something different. Plus, a lot of women are getting triggered by that video. You can tell by their responses, they didn’t even listen to what I was actually saying. They’re just, “Oh, it’s not true,” and dismissing it outright.
That’s why when you’re getting advice from women, often the advice is contradictory, and almost 100% of the time it doesn’t work. They’re giving you the politically correct version of what they think or what they’ve been told, but they never really look at their emotions and the type of guys that they date.
That’s why a great question to always ask, when women claim something, “Oh, I want a guy that wines me, dines me, buys me flowers,” That kind of thing. “Oh, I want a guy that texts me all the time. I want it to be 50/50.” OK, tell me about all of your boyfriends and the guys that you were most in love with, and then ask them what these guys did. How often they called, how often they texted, what frustrated them about these guys that irritated them, but they still kind of liked it. Then you get the real answer. It’s all about when you understand it, you can ask the right question and get the right answer.
If you get a room full of women together and you say, “Oh, it should be 50/50. What do you think, ladies?” “Oh yeah absolutely, sure.” But when you talk to them, the guys they were most deeply in love with and the guys they remember, the guys that make them smile even 20 years after the fact, it’s always the guys that did the things that are in my book. I didn’t make women this way, I’m just the messenger. I’m just telling you the way it happens to be.
It’s also important, especially with a woman that’s dating other guys, that the sex is good. I’ve had plenty of emails, especially from younger guys that are like, “We hooked up, everything was great. We had a great first date or whatever, and we had sex,” and the girl ghosts him after that. Obviously, the sex wasn’t very memorable if they didn’t reply back. That’s one thing that’s important.
You got to give a girl, as my old English girlfriend would have said, Katie, she would say, “A proper seeing to.” Which, by the way, we’re starting to release. Katie happened to stop by last month, and we did a bunch of podcasts with the girls, went through a lot of viewer questions. People had a lot of questions on us and our relationship, the things we learned. So those podcasts are starting to get released now on YouTube, Spotify, Rumble and my other social medias.
You guys, especially guys for years, been wanting to know, “Hey, are you ever going to have your old girlfriends on? Can we ever ask some questions?” Over the next couple of months, I think we got 40 different videos with her, 40 different questions. A lot of interesting topics in there. The ones that we’ve released so far, especially the ones on Instagram, are doing really well. Lots of comments. People are really interested to see what Katie had to say.
It was really great for her to stop by when she was in town for a few days and hang out with us. So I hope you guys enjoy those and check them out.
She would drunk dial me when she’s out with friends asking if I could come rescue her, or if she would have to settle for some other guy.
Part of that is like, “Hey, there’s other guys,” and difference makes a difference. If you’re the prize, if she’s trying to win you over and convince you ultimately to be her boyfriend, then you’re going to be amused about other men. You’re like, “Hey, he can keep you busy when you’re not with me.” Like one of the lines, it’s right out of my book, 3% Man. That’s a good response to show. It’s like, you don’t really care one way or another. If she’s kind of talking about other dudes, it’s whatever.
You, in essence, kind of want to have the attitude of, “I dare you to find somebody better than me. Go ahead.” If she does, “Hey, wish you all the best.” If you love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. A lot of people have already seen the videos with Katie, 17 years later, people are commenting in the comments how much she admires and respects me after all of this time.
When you really connect with somebody on a soul level and they’re a good person, a good human being, they’ll never forget you. Out of all the guys that she’s met and dated over the course of her life, I’m still the man. She’s amazing. She’s just amazing woman. You guys can see why on video, because she’s so bubbly, so happy, so upbeat and fun. Fun to get along with, fun to be around, easy to be around.
It’s great to have friends like that in your life. It’s great to date women that way, because life is hard enough, and a lot of us have or are dating women that are, quite frankly, really difficult and they’re a fucking pain in the ass. Easygoing, easy to get along with, is what you want to strive for.
If you’ve got the attitude of, “Hey, I dare you to find somebody better,” like the old Tom Petty song “Good Love Is Hard To Find,” it’s like, “Hey, if I don’t take you all the way, then go. Go find somebody else.” That needs to be the attitude, because you want somebody that really wants to be with you, that really chooses you, that feels like they won the prize. They hit the lottery when they got or get to date you.
The worst thing you can do in a situation like this is a girl, two weeks out of a 7-year relationship, is get clingy, get needy, get butt-hurt, get perturbed. If she talks about another guy, you’re going out on another dates. You have to just recognize and see the situation as it is that, “Hey, there’s there’s a good chance it’s probably not going to work out.“
One of the things that I like about Elon Musk is that he’s a realist. When he talks about Tesla or Space X and the different companies that he started, he’s like, “Honestly, when I started Tesla, I expect that numerically the odds were against us. I’d spend a bunch of money and I would fail.”
Same thing with making rockets. It’s like, nobody had ever built a private rocket company that was profitable. He expected it to fail, even though he tried to make it a success, he was also a realist. He was like, “The odds are not in our favor of making this work.” So when you get involved with a woman like this, you have to understand the odds are not in your favor that’s going to work out and you’re going to live happily ever after.
However, you’re going to be open to it. You’re going to be open to her changing her mind instead of having the mindset that most guys have which is, “How do I get her to pay attention to me? How do I win her over? How do I get her to choose me over all these other guys?” If you’re a prize, if you’re a catch, being a dude that makes over $100,000 a year, you’re a fraction of the top 1%.
Most women are not going to encounter those type of dudes very often. If you’ve got your shit together, you’re a prize, you’re a rare commodity, so you need to act like it. If you act desperate, needy, you chase and you over pursue, even if you make millions of dollars a year, you’re going to turn her off for the same reason that a guy making $30,000 a year is going to turn her off when he behaves the same way. Yet some dude that can’t seem to hold down a job, is always broke, but acts like a man and acts like a prize in a catch, the girl never leaves them.
Look at somebody like Conor McGregor, when he was broke and struggling and had no money, This girl stuck with him. She still sticks with him this day, now that he’s rich and successful. She was with him when he had nothing. She’s there because she cares about him. Unlike the first, I think it was the first guy yesterday who was talking about his flashy Italian suits and how he made $1 million, he’s got a nice car and the penthouse, and he’s bragging about all his things.
The problem he was having is that all the women he was attracting seemed to be into his stuff, but not him. It’s really important the vibe you’re putting out there. If you love yourself, you value yourself, especially if you’ve built up your reserve of knowledge and develop your gifts, your skills and talents to where you make six figures or more a year, you got to understand you’re a very, very rare man and you have to think like that and act like that.
Even if you do well financially but internally, you don’t think very highly of yourself and you don’t think you deserve to have what you want, what will happen is you’ll chase. You’ll pursue too much, you’ll act needy, you’ll act desperate, you’ll get butt-hurt, you’ll get perturbed. Whereas here, when you know what you’re doing, the James Bond attitude is like, he’s kind of a schmuck. Like, “Hey, if you like that kind of thing, good for you.”
You can’t be intimidated by it. You have to be amused by it. You don’t see another dude as a threat. You see another guy that she may be dating as he’s kind of a joke. Not anybody you take serious. If she does run off with him, it’s like, whatever. There’s another bus every 15 minutes. You want to be with somebody that really wants to be with you and makes the effort. That’s the important thing.
I challenged her saying she’d sadly have to settle, which made her sound disappointed, but then led to great passionate sex the following date.
So she’s talking about another guy and says, “Hey, there’s another guy here.” And he’s like, “Well, you should probably go be with that dude then.” Because you don’t care. You’re unattached, you’re not a dick about it. You’re indifferent, because, “I know what I got. I know what I bring to the table.” That needs to be your attitude.
Since we both have pretty busy schedules, this approach with no interactions during the weeks and spending Friday and Saturday together during the weekends has worked great. She never wants me to leave, we eat together, cuddle, laugh and all that amazing stuff. She looks at me like she is in heaven.
Now the reason why I am writing. During the first date she said she was NOT looking for a relationship…
Because most guys she encounter, do. That’s her way of saying, “Hey, this is what I like. This is what I want. Let’s just hang out, have fun and hook up, without saying that.” The reason that she says she’s not looking for a relationship is either you gave her that vibe or she’s just used to men throwing their dicks at her and she’s like, “Slow down.” She’s trying to help you because she likes you. Recognize that any kind of pressure in that direction is going to do nothing but push her away. It’s not going to pull her towards you.
…She recently came out of a 7-year long boring relationship two weeks prior our meeting, and wanted to be free and single.
That’s why you need to have the attitude of “Hey, may the best girl win.” Just like Elon Musk is a realist, you got to say statistically, realistically, “A woman who is in a relationship for seven years and has been single for two weeks, the odds of her and I working out together and living happily ever after are not in our favor. It’s probably not going to work. I will give her the benefit of the doubt to win me over, but I’m not putting all my eggs in that basket, but we can sure have a lot of fun and we’ll see where it goes.”
All I have been focusing on during our dates are the three H’s.
Hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. That’s the formula. Your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun and to hook up, while you’re hanging out. If you’re ultra religious, no sex until marriage, obviously the hooking up part happens on your wedding night. Other than that, everything else is the same.
I have never talked about exclusivity or anything, all focus has been to create an amazing, fun opportunity for sex to happen.
That’s why it’s so easy going. You make it easy to be with. When you make it easy to be with her, there’s no pressure and she’s the one facilitating the get togethers because you’re letting her initiate all the contact, you don’t have to worry about over-pursuing. It’s her that’s doing most of the pursuing. You make it easy for her. In other words, you’re a net positive and a net benefit to her life instead of a guy that’s trying to lock her down and smother her, like most guys are going to do.
Two weeks ago she told me, in frustration, that she has a crush on me, but that she is not in love, and told me that it feels like I think she is in love with me, which she really isn’t although she likes me very much. I told her with a smile that she is crazy, kissed her, then said that the only thing I am focusing on is us having a great time, and we had an amazing date ending with great sex and very intimate cuddling where she asked me to hug her hard while spooning.
I feel like she is opening up more and more, and is it possible that she could, in time, turn that crush into love and want a relationship?
See, this is part of this guy’s problem. I’m going to read that statement again because this right here reveals his mindset. This is the opposite of what the book teaches. You should be in the mindset of, “Is this girl good for me? She just got out of a 7-year marriage. She’s single for two weeks. More than likely this is probably not going to work out.” So you’re not even going to be thinking about or focusing on these things. You’re just going to be like, “Hey, I want to hang out and have fun and hook up as often as I can.”
She’s a candidate. Maybe somebody better comes along that’s been out of a relationship for a year or two, and they’re really ready and looking for one and it may progress faster with somebody else. You have to remain open to it. This is the danger zone here, this mindset.
I feel like she is opening up more and more. And is it possible that she could, in time…
Which shows that he’s doubting himself.
…Turn that crush into love and want a relationship?
Who cares? Relationship is all feminine energy. Bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating and relationship labels. That’s all feminine energy. That is not masculine energy. You’re acting like a chick when you think this way. You’re acting like an insecure little girl. When you have this kind of a mindset that is the opposite of what the book teaches you to do, and you need to pay attention to that.
As a coach, because I’ve been doing this so long, when people talk to me in phone sessions and I hear things like this come out of their mouth, or in this case I see it in an email, I know exactly what his mindset is. I’m pointing out that his mindset is the opposite of what it needs to be. He’s thinking like a girl instead of a dude.
I will focus on the three H’s. I am seeing other women, but I cannot deny that this one is special…
She has special potential. She’s not special. You don’t know yet. You’ve only known her for seven weeks, dude, so calm down. You’re getting carried away on your emotions. This is what causes you to act dopey, feel dopey and put her on a pedestal.
…The kind of woman that comes along once every three years or so. She comes from a great and safe family too.
Like I said, I would do what I focused on. This guy needs to switch his mindset around instead of, “Is this girl good for me? Do I really want to get involved with a girl that just got out of a 7-year relationship two weeks before I met her? The odds of it working out are not good, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. I like her a lot, but the odds are just not in our favor. Hey, maybe she’ll change my mind. I’m open to that.”
If you have that kind of mindset, then she’s going to be the one convincing you to commit to her. Even when that comes up, you might say, “Honestly, you were in a relationship for seven years, and we literally started dating two weeks after you became single.”
Say you’re three months in and she’s like, “I want to be exclusive.” Just say, “I want you to know I’m kind of skeptical, because you never really took time to heal and get over the end of your seven year relationship, so I’d really just like to take things slow and see. I like how things are going, but I don’t want to rush it into anything, because again, I don’t know this dude that you were with. You were with him for seven years.”
I know women that are in your situation often will go back to the ex just one day. Things are great and the next day they miss the ex, the ex comes back and then they disappear. I mean, those things happen. “I just want to take my time. I don’t want to rush anything,” because scarcity creates value.
If you’re thinking from that kind of mindset that, “Hey, I like you a lot, but your situation is not really ideal, because you were with one guy for seven years and you took no time to heal. You took no time to get over it. You literally replaced one form of intimacy with another, which obviously is me. I’m honored that you’re bringing up being close and being in a relationship, but you got to understand. I’m kind of skeptical.”
“Just because I’ve dated other women in the past that were right out of a relationship and they tend to be all over the ice. You’ve been more consistent than them, I’ll give you that. Maybe that’s a testament to your family and your parents raising you properly, but I just want to take my time. I don’t want to rush anything.”
If she has to work to get you to commit to her, if you’re not just like, “OK, let’s do it,” she’s going to value it more. Remember, scarcity creates value. Let her work to earn you, especially women that are right out of a relationship. You have to do that, or else you’ll chase them right out of your life, they’ll bounce really quickly and you’ll literally send them right back into the arms of their ex.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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