How to decipher the hints a woman is giving you if your relationship is not going well and she says she is unhappy, so you can course correct and prevent a breakup.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who made the mistake of taking his girlfriend for granted and stopped courting her properly to focus on his career in the military. He says she went from talking about their future together and having his children, to becoming cold and distant and breaking up with him after only a few weeks of neglecting her. He admits he became a little needy and bitchy when she started going out and partying again.
He is having trouble accepting things went sideways so quickly and accepting personal responsibility for not courting her properly, when deep down he knew it was wrong to do so. He says he has always had short-term success with women, but not so much when it comes to maintaining a relationship for more than a few months. He does admit, he now sees the hints she dropped in hindsight. It’s a great email that perfectly illustrates how quickly a relationship can go sideways when a man stops dating and courting his woman properly. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I am writing this from Germany after I have been reading your book for the past three days. You’ve got it all figured out, and many questions I had regarding my past relationships with women were answered due to your book and videos. You are the best! Thank you for everything. You have certainly made my life better and made me a better man.
I tended to do pretty well with most women when it came to dating, even before having read your book. I instinctively created fun and romance filled opportunities for sex to happen and more or less always had my short-lived success with girls.
I am good looking, charming and driven by a purpose in life, while being able to make many people laugh and smile with me when it comes to interaction.
Earlier this year I met this one girl, a co-worker, whom I instantly took a liking to. I joked around with her a while before asking her out for a date on the spot, when I noticed that she seemed quite interested in me. From there, things when through the roof with her. We fell in love so quickly, that it almost seemed surreal to me. She wasn’t my type, but it still worked out, and we seemed to have a close connection within minutes.
(It’s nice when that happens. It’s rare, but it’s beautiful, but you’ve got to prepare for when that happens. Like Confucious said, “Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure.”)
It was a great romance during the first three months or so. I tended to be quite busy, working in politics and as an officer cadet in the military, so we didn’t see each other as much as we would have liked. Within four months, she was talking about having children, building a future together, and she could not get enough of me.
(So far it sounds like a fairy tale romance.)
She even remarked that she would have liked to hear “I love you” from me, since I had not told her that yet, being confronted with her chasing me so hard and wanting to settle down.
I grew comfortable with her and stopped “dating” her, which I knew was a mistake, but she seemed so in love that I thought I could focus on my very important work with the army and on improving my career for a short while.
(That is definitely the problem.)
But within a few weeks after her saying that, she all of a sudden grew distant, and I instantly noticed how her body language changed.
(You just stopped dating her properly. The courtship never ends. When you stop dating and courting your woman, it communicates through your actions that you don’t care about her anymore.)
She went to a festival in our last month together, only to return totally changed and saying that she loved hanging out partying all day and night, and how I could never understand that, since I behaved quite bitchy about her being so different all of a sudden.
(You obviously didn’t know what to do, and you figured you would use logic and reason to talk her into being the way she was.)
She broke up with me shortly after, saying that she could not imagine a future with me anymore and needed time and space to fulfill her self. Her interest in me seemed to have dropped from 9 to 4 or lower in a few weeks. Which was it?
(Well, you stopped doing what made you successful. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been together for six months or six years or twenty years. The bottom line is, what you do to get a woman to fall in love with you is what you do to keep her in love with you. If you want to be in a long-term relationship, the courtship is always perpetual. This is how you show that you care and she’s important to you. When you start neglecting her and treating her like it’s just another car in the garage, or another toy in your toy box that you’re bored of, remember the purpose is to hang out, have fun and hook up.
It sounds like all the fun stopped. When the fun stops, it’s like, what’s the point of being together anymore? It doesn’t matter how much you say “I love you” and “how important you are to me,” if you aren’t showing it through your actions, you might as well be talking to a lampshade. You’ll have a more productive conversation.)
Was I needy, or was it because I stopped romancing her for a few weeks?
(Well, I’d say it was a combination of both, because you admitted you started acting needy and bitchy. It’s like the veil wore off.)
I do see the hints she dropped in hindsight.
Thanks for everything so far Corey! You are great! Even if you don’t reply, still great! “Suum cuique,” to each his own, as we say in our unit!
(You haven’t really said if you’re in contact with her or not, but if she does reach out, you’ve got to get back to dating and courting her properly. And you don’t go right back into the relationship. You’ve got to take it from the perspective, you’re starting the courtship over. Like starting to see her for the first time all over again.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most men who struggle in their long-term relationships do so because they make the mistake of thinking the courtship is over, and they can focus on their careers, being a money mule and provider, instead of dating and courting their women properly. Women know when men love and care about them, they perpetually show it through their actions more than their words. Men who don’t know any better don’t take their women seriously when they say they are unhappy and don’t spend enough time together like they used to. These same men are then surprised when their women leave them, and say that they did not see it coming.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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