What you should do if your girlfriend, wife, or a woman you’re dating, openly flirts with, allows other men to touch her in inappropriate ways, or seems to consistently invite the attention of other men.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who asks me to analyze what he did wrong in his last relationship. He ended up breaking up with her because she tended to tell little white lies. She also blatantly flirted with another male coworker and even let him spank her on her butt. Things just got to the point where he didn’t feel comfortable in the relationship with her and she didn’t make him feel like the center of her life. When she was happy, she focused on him. When she was not happy, she tended to flirt with other men, invite and encourage their attention and tell him about it.
He shares several red flags that he noticed over their time together that ultimately led to his decision to break up with her. He’s starting to wonder and doubt that he handled things properly. Even though at times he acted weak, needy and jealous, he made the right decision by breaking up with her due to the fact that she consistently demonstrated to him that she was not good girlfriend material or trustworthy.
I’m Bob from Romania, 24 years old. First of all, thanks for your amazing work! I would like advice on what I did wrong in my last relationship. In fact, I’m doubting myself.
My love story started in June. We met at work. Everything went perfect until our third date when I had to give her some bad news. I had to leave for France in September to finish my studies, so I told her. Many times after this she said she is scared with my leaving, but I told her it would be okay. (Women with healthy self esteem will be okay with that. However, if they cheat themselves, that’s the filter for which they view the world, and that’s how they will view other people.) We made love during our holidays in August at the beach. I arranged everything, and it was awesome. She was my first.
Well, it’s here that all the red flags started to appear. First of all, she lied to her family that she was going with other friends and not with me all alone. (She has a habit of lying because she is worried about what other people think about her.) She told me small lies, etc. I didn’t really mind if there is love. (This is your emotion overriding logic and reason.) Red flag number 2: She was with me, and we wanted to go out one evening. She was getting ready doing her girl stuff, etc., and while I was waiting for her, she was texting with a guy that I was a bit jealous of. (She’s obviously lining up a replacement or somebody to keep her company when you’re not around.) I was jealous because I’ve seen that they are close at work, i.e. talking to him more than with me and being more close. We went out and we bumped into this guy. We talked a bit and then went ahead, but I could feel that she was distracted. (She’s into this other guy. She’s not a loyal person. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone like this. She doesn’t see anything wrong with lying and being deceptive.) Anything I did wasn’t making her happy. I got a bit angry, and I took her home. I knew she felt me. I told her what bothered me as I always do, and she assured me that it was only me. However, she started to act very submissive and hyper affectionate after I had this talk with her.
The third red flag was that she often kept saying things about this guy out of the context, “oh, he lives in town,” and kept telling me things he said, his jokes, etc. I didn’t mind, but I was like, why is she telling me this? (She wants you to know this guy she’ll be fucking when you’re not around. That way, she won’t feel bad about it. You shouldn’t have an exclusive, monogamous relationship with this girl. You should let her know your values are not aligned with hers, and your relationship will not go beyond fuck buddies.)
As for the 4th red flag, I’m still not sure about this, but I saw her one time getting a spank from this guy. (This is totally inappropriate. She’s not relationship material.) Here I reacted so stupid that, I’m ashamed to tell you, I almost cried. (You’re getting upset with her nature, but that’s just how she is.) I confronted her with this, and her reaction was more mature than mine.
I “dumped her” after a month because she wasn’t communicating with me, which we talked about once a day with heartless emails. She removed her “in a relationship status” from Facebook, and started to talk about her future without me in it. (The relationship status is a label that she doesn’t place any value on.) This behavior happened shortly after I bought her plane tickets. I reacted immature by cancelling her tickets to come see me here because of this behavior. What could have I done better? (You obviously value loyalty and this woman does not. She is great for an open relationship, so you could have kept her around for that, but and that’s it. You can love and accept her for who she is, or let her go.)
My best wishes for 2015,
My response to him:
From your email, I can tell that you definitely, on occasion, acted insecure, weak, needy and jealous. Those traits definitely do not make you look attractive in a woman’s eyes. However, the fact that your ex girlfriend lied to you on numerous occasions tells me she is a devious and dishonest person by nature. That rules her out as good girlfriend or relationship material. Women who act this way are only good as fuck buddies or sex playmates, nothing more. Even though she was in a relationship with you, allowing other guys to spank her on the butt, texting with guys who obviously are interested in her, and openly flirting with other men in front of you is not acceptable behavior.
You did the right thing by dumping her. A woman like this is only going to focus on you 100% when she’s crazy in love with you. If she’s not happy or you’re not treating her properly, she’s going to flirt with and invite attention from other men. She’s simply not a loyal person. She’s also not respectful of other people’s feelings, and she’s selfish. If you read my book 10-15 times and apply what it teaches, you’ll be able to clean up the weak behaviors I’ve mentioned previously. However, at the end of the day if you’re dating a woman with no integrity like this woman was, it’s never going to work out in the long run anyway. Keep dating and applying what I teach, and eventually you’ll find a good quality woman.
“Something all men and women need to develop within themselves is emotional self control. Human beings tend to act upon their emotions and then use logic and reason to justify their actions. That is why all advertising is geared towards eliciting an emotional response within you. By forming an emotional connection between you and the product or service being advertised, advertisers can influence you emotionally, and therefore cause you to use logic and reason to justify and talk yourself into purchasing that product or service that you don’t really want or need. When it comes to our relationships, we must constantly remind ourselves to remain objective and look at the other person’s actions, even though emotionally we want to believe them and buy what they’re trying to sell us. If you can discipline yourself to remain objective and look at the other person’s actions to base your decisions and actions upon, then you will save yourself a lot of heartache, heartbreak and suffering from buyer’s remorse.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne